Fire Down Below

by Andrea Simonne

  She gives me a sly look. “How did you manage it?”

  “I’m not sure what you’re asking me.”

  “Oh, I think you know.”

  I put my weights down. I’d like to tell her that it’s none of her business. But then I realize she’s friends with Ben, so I should be nice. I tell her we used to date and have a history together. She acts relieved for some reason, though I can’t imagine why.

  Ben comes back over to us, checking on my progress. He sets me up with a barbell and shows me how to do a squat with it. Rochelle is doing the same exercise and he tells me to watch her.

  “It’s hard,” he says, “but it’s really good for your glutes and you’ll get fast results.”

  “Oh, but I like it hard, real hard,” Rochelle says grinning at Ben.

  He gives her a stiff smile and then turns back to me. “This doesn’t feel too heavy does it?”

  I’m staring at Rochelle, realization dawning on me. She’s obviously got a thing for Ben. I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier. “No, it’s fine,” I say. “No problem at all.”

  ***

  And this becomes my new morning routine. I’m up at the crack of dawn, drinking swamp juice, working out with Ben and his Moonie friends. It’s a strange new way of life, but I’m surprised at how quickly I adapt. I think the fact that Ben and I are having tons of delicious sex is certainly helping matters. Granted there’s a little more strenuous-styled Kama Sutra involved then I’d prefer, and he still likes me to keep things shaved down there, but he’s happy and he’s making sure I’m happy too.

  A couple of weeks into it Linda, Juliet, and Rochelle confide in me how they’ve been trying to get Rochelle and Ben together for ages. Apparently Ben hasn’t been interested and they were totally baffled by this. They even thought he’d sworn off women, though my existence obviously disproved that theory.

  I’m tempted to tell them the truth. That from what I’ve seen of Rochelle, Ben would never go out with her in a thousand years. All that bleached hair and frosted makeup? No way. Plus she’s crude. Ben doesn’t mind occasional crudeness in the bedroom, but it’s not acceptable in public, and never from a woman. Also she smokes. I know she tries to hide it by always chewing breath mints, but I can smell it on her. If I can smell it, then for sure Ben has smelled it, and there is no way he’d date a smoker.

  The three of them think Rochelle is beautiful though and it’s all a big mystery why Ben hasn’t been interested in her. Rochelle, of course, struts around like she’s Miss America.

  “I guess he prefers brunettes,” Linda says, referring to my dark hair.

  “That must be it,” Juliet nods.

  “Oh come on, all men like blondes,” Rochelle says, trying to flip her bleached hair, which doesn’t budge an inch it’s so teased and lacquered with hairspray. “It’s because she and Ben have all that history together, right?” She looks at me so I can agree with her.

  “Sure.” I nod, adjusting the incline on my treadmill before we start our ‘motivational’ walk. What I’d like to tell her is that Ben would never date her because she’s a floozy, but obviously I can’t say that. I could never be that mean, even if it is true. Ben flew to California this morning for work and isn’t around to hear this fascinating conversation, although I’m sure his ears are burning. I actually came here all by myself, if you can imagine. I was tempted to skip out, but I suspect they’d tell Ben if I didn’t show up and then all that delicious sex would vanish in a nanosecond.

  “We even thought maybe he was gay,” Linda tells me.

  “You’re joking,” I say.

  “Not at all. He’s so handsome and he takes such good care of himself.”

  “And he’s so neat,” Juliet chimes in. “Have you seen the inside of his car? There isn’t a speck of dust anywhere.”

  I smile, thinking about Ben’s tidiness. His being gay isn’t that weird of an assumption now that I think about it. Good looking, single, mid-thirties, extremely tidy. Heck, he must be gay!

  “And no matter what we tried, he wasn’t interested in Rochelle,” Linda continues. “It’s a shame because we thought they’d make such a cute couple.”

  Rochelle sighs and nods in agreement. They’ve obviously had this conversation many times. “I always thought we’d be really good together. And I know I could make him happy. There isn’t a man alive I couldn’t make happy.”

  I roll my eyes. It doesn’t even occur to them how rude it is to discuss this with me. It’s like they still wish Ben would date Rochelle! If only he knew all the scheming that’s been going on behind his back with his female fan club.

  ***

  With the knowledge that Ben is going to be gone for a week I feel a guilty sense of freedom. It’s like the warden is on vacation, so the inmate gets to run wild. I know this sounds bad and, of course, I miss him. Fred, my newly christened vibrator, has already gotten some action since Ben’s departure, a testament to how much I’m missing him. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to sleeping in late on the weekend and not having to drink those horrible smoothies every morning.

  I purposely don’t make any plans for Saturday and when I roll out of bed at noon, I feel luxuriously well rested. I don’t bother with a shower or even brushing my hair, and instead make myself a double mocha, sipping it slowly while reading through the paper.

  When I finish my coffee, I decide the next decadent thing is going to be watching a movie while eating cookies and ice cream. This is hardly nutritious breakfast food, but I don’t care. I’ve been working out and dieting like crazy these past few weeks, so a little decadence is in order. I get out the bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with the pint of vanilla ice cream I picked up after work last night, and bring everything into the living room. Lifetime has a movie that started only ten minutes ago, so I’m sure I can figure out what’s going on. I make myself a plate of ice cream cookie sandwiches and as I get comfortable eating my first one (ecstasy!) the phone rings.

  “Heddo,” I say, my mouth full.

  “Hey Kate, it’s me.”

  Ben! I look down guiltily at the plate in front of me. Does he have some kind of special radar? I suddenly remember how we used to play around with whipped cream in bed years ago and I feel a strange kind of sadness. I miss the old Ben. The new Ben will never approve of this. He’s always telling me how bad dairy products are for you.

  “Are you eating something?” he asks.

  “Granola,” I lie.

  “I didn’t know you like granola. You know you have to read the ingredients for those. Some of them have nothing but sugar and hydrogenated oil in them.”

  I pick up another ice cream sandwich, feeling wicked. “This kind is okay,” I say, as I lick all the vanilla ice cream from around the edges of the cookie and then take a bite. “I bought it at Whole Foods.” Ben only shops at Whole Foods, so I know he’ll approve of my phantom granola.

  “Oh? That’s good. I tried calling you earlier this morning, but there wasn’t any answer. Did you go somewhere? I left a message.”

  “I went out for a run.” Boy, these lies are coming fast. I’m amazed how easy this is and I don’t even feel guilty. The truth is I turned off the phone in my bedroom so it wouldn’t disturb my sleeping. “I guess I forgot to check my messages.”

  “That’s all right. Hey,” he pauses, lowering his voice, “I really miss you. I know it’s only been a day, but I can’t believe how much I miss the way you feel against me. I thought about you all night.”

  Okay. Now I feel guilty. I’m a loser. I suck.

  “I miss you too,” I say, putting down the ice cream cookie. It doesn’t taste as good as it did a minute ago.

  “It’s going to be torture going a whole week without you,” he says.

  “I know, me too. My bed feels so empty. So does my shower, my dining room table, and my living room floor. I can’t go anywhere in my house without thinking about you.”

  Ben chuckles. “Yeah, we’ll have to rech
risten all those places when I get back.”

  “Mmm, I can’t wait.”

  “So what are your plans today, anything fun?”

  “I’m just going to hang out at home, maybe watch TV for a while and then surf the web.”

  “That’s all you’re going to do? I thought the weather was nice up there. You should go outside.”

  “Maybe later.” Though in truth I have no intention of moving my butt from this couch unless it’s to get up and grab a bag of potato chips from the cupboard.

  “Hey, I know! Why don’t you take your roller blades out and practice on the trail?”

  Ben bought me some roller blades as a surprise early birthday present recently. It was very nice of him. He bought a pair for himself too and we went out last weekend for the first time. Despite having never done it before he was, of course, immediately brilliant at it, while I was all over the place like a total spaz. I must have fallen down ten times—luckily I had plenty of padding. When I asked him later why he bought me roller blades, he told me it was because I had mentioned that I used to enjoy roller skating as a kid. In other words, it was a thoughtful gift and I could hardly fault him for it. I keep hoping I’ll grow to like it and it’ll be something fun we can do together.

  “Maybe I’ll take them out and practice tomorrow morning,” I say. “But today I need a break. I’m just going to hang out at home and do nothing.”

  Ben is silent. “If that’s what you really want. I don’t know why I bothered getting them for you though if you’re not going to use them. They were kind of expensive. Plus it’s a shame to waste a nice day sitting inside watching TV.”

  I push down my annoyance. It would be so easy to have a fight, but I’m trying very hard to get along. “We can’t all be as omnipotent as you are Ben. Some of us are merely mortal. Don’t you ever feel like you want to relax?”

  “Sure, but not when it’s sunny outside.”

  I sigh. “Okay, you know what? You’re right. I should take advantage of the great weather and go out roller blading.” Another lie, but sometimes it’s easier.

  I can feel Ben’s approval immediately. “Glad to hear it! Make sure you wear all the safety gear, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Don’t worry, I will.”

  We talk a little bit about the job site near San Francisco. He says it’s interesting and that the area still has some quake debris on it from ’89. I envy how much he enjoys his work, especially since my job enthusiasm has been more than lacking lately. Before we hang up, he says he’ll call me again tonight.

  “Okay.” I’m thinking maybe we could have some phone sex and how fun that will be. And then he says something that completely surprises me.

  “I love you, Kate.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah,” he laughs self-effacingly. “Pretty romantic telling you on the phone like this isn’t it?”

  “Well,” I give a dramatic fake sigh, “a girl can dream.”

  He laughs some more. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I’ve been feeling shy about it. You know?”

  “It’s okay, I understand.”

  There’s a moment of silence where obviously I’m expected to say something.

  “I love you too,” I finally say.

  “Do you? You don’t have to say that just because I said it.”

  “I’m saying it because I want to.”

  I can feel Ben grinning through the phone line. “Can you believe we’re back here again after all these years—crazy huh?”

  “I know. It’s like we’ve come full circle.”

  ***

  I spend the rest of the afternoon watching woman-in-distress movies on the Lifetime channel. I even have a pizza delivered, something I haven’t done in ages. It’s the most relaxed I’ve been in a long time and as I sink deeper into the couch I realize how much I needed a day like this. I honestly don’t know how Ben does it. It’s like he never wants to sit still for more than a minute. I admire his energy, but it’s hard for me to keep up. I think about our phone conversation and us saying the “L” word. Ben has changed so much over the years and I have too. I love him, but I think we’re also still getting to know each other again.

  As I’m pondering all this with a slice of pizza in my hand, flipping channels, the phone rings. I assume it’s Ben, though I’m happily surprised when I hear Declan.

  “What are you doing?” he asks, in that honey-tongued voice.

  I look down at the pizza box and empty ice cream container. “Eating junk food and watching junk TV.”

  “All day?”

  “Pretty much.”

  He chuckles. “That’s sounds very constructive.”

  “Oh it is,” I assure him. “So, what are you up to?”

  “Working.”

  I make a tsk, tsk sound. “On a Saturday? That’s not good. You need to take a break. In fact, you should come over here and help me eat all this pizza I ordered.”

  “A tempting offer to be sure, but one of us has recently quit his high paying job to start his own business.”

  “Well, who on earth told you to do that?”

  Declan speaks in a monotone. “It was the voices in my head. I couldn’t make them stop.”

  “Doctor,” I say worriedly, “I don’t think our patient is responding to his therapy.”

  “It’s a sad case, nurse. We’ve done everything we can to save him. There’s only one option left.”

  “What’s that?”

  “We’ll have to shove an ice pick through his eye.”

  “Yuck, Declan!” I put my pizza down. “You’re sick.”

  He laughs. “What do you mean? That’s how they do a lobotomy.”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “Yes, basically it is.”

  “And why do you know this?”

  “Because I do. It’s just in there along with all the other useless clutter in my head.”

  “No,” I say primly. “It’s because you’re a guy. Women don’t retain information like that.”

  “You’re probably right,” he agrees. “You wouldn’t believe some of the gross stuff I know about.”

  “Oh no, you’re not going to start telling me any of these things are you?”

  “Now that you mention it, I might have to. Did you know—”

  “La, la, la,” I sing. “I can’t hear you!”

  “Oh come on. It’s fun grossing girls out. Why else do you think guys know so much weird stuff? It’s what we live for.”

  “Oh, so that’s how you get your kicks, huh?”

  He chuckles softly. “That and a few other ways. I could show you sometime if you like.”

  “Yeah, I’ll bet.” Though I have to admit I feel a little tingle at what he might show me. “So is this the reason you called?”

  “Not really. I thought I’d let you know that I heard from your friend Lauren the other day. She invited me to your birthday party.”

  “I know. I gave her your number. I hope that was okay.”

  “Sure, it’s fine. And then yesterday your other friend Suzy called me and she invited me to your party as well.”

  I laugh, feeling embarrassed. “She called you too? I guess she got the number from Lauren.”

  “They were both very nice. I’m curious to finally meet them.”

  I pick up the can of soda I’ve been drinking and take a swig. “It should be a really fun party. I wish I was turning twenty-five instead of thirty-five though.”

  “Don’t worry, it’s not so bad. Take it from someone who’s been there.” Declan is two years older than me.

  “Right. Spoken like a man who doesn’t have a biological clock ticking. I mean you have nothing to worry about. You can still have kids when you’re sixty.”

  “That’s true, but I don’t want to be an old man when I finally get married and have children.”

  I try to imagine Declan married with kids and for some reason it gives me an ache in my chest to think about it. I wonder what woman
he’ll eventually wind up with. She’ll be lucky, that’s for sure. He’ll make a great husband and father.

  “I’ve been thinking about what you said when you came over last time,” he continues. “That whole sperm donor business. In a way I think your mom is right.”

  “Really?” I feel mildly shocked. “You think I should get pregnant with a sperm donor?”

  “No, I’m not saying you should rush into anything that serious, but she’s right about how important family is. I feel like I’ve been waiting for the right woman for so long, but lately I’m realizing I need to be realistic. We can’t always have exactly what we want. ”

  “I know. I hate to admit it, but I always thought I’d be married by now. I never imagined myself single for so long.”

  “Me either.”

  “Is that true?”

  “It is. So how are things going with you and Ben?”

  “Oh,” I pause, “they’re fine.” For some reason I feel funny telling Declan about how Ben and I said I love you to each other earlier.

  “How about you? You’re probably too busy right now to meet anyone.”

  “I’m definitely busy.”

  We’re both silent. I find myself wishing he was sitting here next to me. I push the thought away though, since I suspect my intentions aren’t entirely pure and I feel guilty.

  “I should get back to work,” he finally says. “I’ll see you at your birthday party though.”

  “Okay, see you then.”

  ***

  When next Friday rolls around Suzy, Lauren, and I have plans for a pajama party at Lauren’s house. It’s perfect timing since Ben doesn’t fly in until tomorrow morning. Driving over there, I put the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Stadium Arcadium into my CD player, and settle in for the trip over the floating bridge. Lauren doesn’t live in the city, but instead has a house out in suburbia. The house was part of her divorce settlement with The Toad. It’s a nice four bedroom mac-mansion type with lots of luxuries like granite counters and fancy wood trim, plus at three thousand square feet it’s huge. That’s a lot of house for one person, but Lauren is quite happy with it. She’s turned each extra bedroom into something useful like an office and a craft room.