In This Life

by Cora Brent

  Fuck, she was sexy.

  That didn’t mean I was proud of myself for drilling that hot body in a dozen different ways last night.

  I hadn’t been thinking. Kathleen didn’t strike me as a bed hopping type of girl. She might expect things. Things I didn’t have available to give to her right now. Probably not ever.

  I left the room and quietly closed the door behind me. The Kathleen quandary would have to wait until later. In the meantime I could admit that getting my brains fucked out last night had done wonders for my mood.

  Down the hall in the nursery, Colin was awake and waving his little arms around, trying to reach for the stuffed monkey mobile over his crib. I took it as a good sign that he no longer shrieked in pain and when I put my palm on his forehead I was relieved that it was cool.

  “Come on, kiddo,” I said and he actually gave me a little smile as I lifted him out of the crib. Not for the first time I wondered what was going on in his baby brain. Was there any part of him that understood how his life had been turned upside down? I hoped not.

  Colin wriggled around when I was changing him and resisted being snapped back into his outfit so I just carried him downstairs in his diaper. The sun was shining outside and the house was warm. Summer was almost here.

  Roxie was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, tail wagging. I let her out through the back door and she immediately dove into a cluster of birds that had been pecking in the grass.

  Yesterday evening I’d measured out powdered formula and made a couple of bottles to stow in the fridge. Colin drank one down eagerly and then emitted a substantial burp when I held him upright.

  “Good boy,” I said. I realized I was praising another human for the routine feat of belching. The thought didn’t faze me a bit.

  This morning Colin was more agreeable about swallowing his medicine and he seemed downright cheerful when I set him in his bouncer. He immediately made an effort to grab the colorful objects hanging from the bouncer’s toy bar but only succeeded in flailing his arms around. I flicked the silly pig toy he liked so much and the way he smacked at it with such enthusiasm made me smile. I was getting the hang of this baby stuff.

  “Good morning,” said a voice and I turned to see Kathleen standing in the doorway.

  She was fully dressed in last night’s clothes. That was a minor disappointment but I couldn’t realistically expect her to strut around my house naked. In fact it wasn’t even a good idea for a variety of reasons. Although the view would have been fucking epic.

  “Good morning,” I answered, keeping my voice neutral and glad she wasn’t throwing herself into my arms. In fact she seemed a little uncomfortable, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned against the wall while failing to look me in the face.

  Kathleen brightened when her eyes landed on Colin. “Hello, sunshine,” she said, coming right over and unfastening the bouncer restraints that I had just fastened. “How’s my boy today?” She cuddled him and kissed his face and made a bunch of nonsense sounds that delighted the baby.

  “I gave him his second dose already,” I said. “I think he’s feeling better.”

  Kathleen nodded and then continued with the wee wee ga ga shit. I wished I knew the right thing to say the morning after you fucked your new friend and kind of wished you hadn’t.

  I switched on the coffee machine. “Want a cup?”

  “So you’ve become a fan of caffeine after all,” Kathleen said in a teasing voice and when she looked at me she smiled.

  I relaxed a little. Maybe this didn’t have to be so weird after all. “Yeah, I’ve discovered its useful properties.” I removed two identical Hawk Valley Happiness mugs from the kitchen cabinet. They seemed to be multiplying. “So do you take cream and sugar?”

  “Neither,” said Kathleen. “But I’ve got to get going. My mom loves Emma but her patience for a precocious three-and-a-half-year-old only has about a twelve hour window.”

  Kathleen carefully replaced Colin in his bouncer while I searched my brain for a way to end the conversation diplomatically.

  “My cock thanks you.”

  No. Definitely not diplomatic.

  “Come back anytime.”

  Sounded sarcastic as shit.

  Kathleen finished fussing with Colin and cleared her throat. “Nash, I hope last night didn’t wreck anything.”

  Listening to her voice made me recall the distinct breathy squeal she made every time an orgasm hit her. But I kept a straight face. “Not at all.”

  Her face was anxious. “You think so?”

  “Yeah. You’re great. Last night was…great.”

  “It was.” She nodded. “And it wasn’t the best idea.”

  “Probably not.”

  She lifted her chin and leveled her gaze at me. “Just so you know, this is not something I do regularly.”

  “Me neither.”

  Her raised eyebrow said she didn’t believe me but she obviously didn’t want to start an argument.

  On the other hand, I kind of felt like starting one if it put the truth out there. “You seem unconvinced.”

  “It’s none of my business.”

  “Of course it’s not.”

  “Then I won’t ask.”

  “But I think you should.”

  Kathleen sighed. She crossed her arms again. She did that a lot. “You want me to ask if you’re the type of man who screws anything with tits?”

  This was getting fun. “Yes.”

  She was blushing. “So are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “A player.”

  I filled both mugs with coffee and gave her one even though she’d said she didn’t want any. She had to uncross her arms when I handed the cup over and I noticed that the fact that I was taking my time about answering the question was making her squirm. I kind of liked making her squirm.

  “The last girl I was with was one I dated for five months last year,” I said. “I don’t bang random chicks for the hell of it. I’m no player, Kat.”

  She digested the information. She looked confused.

  “Why’d you think otherwise?” I pressed, wondering what kind of gossip was floating around about me in Hawk Valley ever since I left.

  Kathleen set her coffee on the table and there went her arms again, crossing her chest and hiding the ripe, generous shape of her breasts. But not before I noticed her nipples were hard. The observation was interesting.

  “I guess I shouldn’t have been so presumptuous,” she said. “It’s just that I remember what you were like in high school.”

  “What was I like?”

  She was thoughtful. “Noncommittal I suppose. You were attached to a different girl every other week and none of them appeared to matter to you for very long. I never heard you refer to a single one of them as your girlfriend.”

  “You must have paid a lot of attention,” I said.

  Now I was messing with her. I knew she had a colossal crush on me back when she was all knees and elbows. Every time I looked up I’d see her pale little face peeking around a corner and then she’d dart away as if she thought I hadn’t noticed.

  Kat blushed. “I’ve always been very observant.”

  “A good quality in a stalker.”

  Her lips pursed. “I didn’t stalk you.”

  “I thought we were being honest.”

  She let out an exasperated breath. “Well, perhaps I was a little more intrigued by you than I should have been.”

  “And why not? I’m an intriguing guy.”

  Kathleen cocked her head and studied me. “You were a heartbreaker back then. I figured you still were. People don’t usually change. And anyway, just look at you.”

  I mulled that over. “I don’t understand.”

  “Yes you do.”

  “Humor me, Kat.”

  “You are sexier and more mysterious than ever. And you know it.”

  “Maybe.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Oh shut up. It’s obvious you’re absurdly goo
d looking and you seem to have nothing but contempt for adult concepts like relationships and love. I’m not saying I was right about you, but that’s the reason I made certain assumptions.”

  I was bothered. Kathleen obviously had some baggage, given the crack she’d made once about sucking at relationships but I didn’t know why she figured I held love in contempt. Love was probably great or people wouldn’t be falling all over themselves to find it. Just because I’d never known the feeling firsthand didn’t mean I lurked around in the shadows casting the evil eye on happy couples.

  “So do you assume all single guys who don’t break the looking glass are unrepentant manwhores?”

  She held my gaze. “No. I just thought you were.”

  I snorted.

  “You wanted honesty,” she reminded me.

  “I did. And in the interest of honest disclosure, let’s just say I’ve learned from my mistakes.”

  She was silent for a moment. She had to realize what I was talking about.

  “I guess that’s all we can do,” Kathleen said slowly. “Learn from our mistakes and try to be better versions of ourselves than we were.”

  It was kind of an odd, introspective thing to say. She twirled a piece of hair and looked troubled, suddenly lost in her own thoughts. I figured that whatever was swimming through her brain right now probably had nothing to do with me.

  I drank my coffee and watched Colin pursue the prize of the pink pig, oblivious that anything else was going on in the room.

  “By the way,” I said, suddenly arriving at a decision. “I’m going to give the store a chance.”

  Kathleen’s eyes snapped to my face. “You are?”

  I nodded and she positively beamed at me. In fact she looked so happy you’d think I’d just promised her a cruise to the Bahamas.

  “Nash, that’s great. This will mean so much to the community. And you can count on my help.”

  I felt like kind of a heel for accepting even more help from Kathleen but I was glad she offered.

  “So what do I need to do first?” I asked.

  She immediately became businesslike and started ticking off her fingers. “Well, for starters you need to reopen the doors as soon as possible. I’ll call Betty and Hayden, your employees, and work out a schedule. We talked about hiring another cashier to fill in the gaps, didn’t we? Yes, I think we did. I’ll place some ads on job sites and I can take care of the interviews if you want. Or you can do it. Just let me know. Oh, and you need to order more inventory. I recommend a visit to First Valley Bank where your accounts are. You’ll need to extend the store’s line of credit and meeting your account manager might help.”

  “One thing at a time.” I held up a hand. My brain couldn’t keep up with all the chores she’d just rattled off. “Let’s start with the cash flow issue. I’ve got some money. I can arrange to have it wired from my bank today. And Steve Brown had mentioned something about life insurance funds so I can probably peel some of that off after I put away the bulk for Colin.”

  “This is good.” Kathleen bobbed her head with eagerness. “This will work, Nash. I know it will.”

  “Then I’ll borrow some of your optimism and agree.”

  Colin enhanced the moment by swatting the pig and squealing.

  Kathleen glanced at the clock above the stove. “I really do need to go.”

  “Okay. I’ll let you.”

  “You can call me later if you want to talk in more detail about a plan of action for the store.”

  “Will do.”

  She leaned over and kissed Colin. “Good bye, sweet face. Glad you’re feeling better.” Her handbag was on the kitchen table. She must have left it there last night before getting sidetracked by orgasmic amusements. She shouldered her bag and headed out. “I’ll talk to you later, Nash.”

  “Talk to you later, Kat.”

  She had her hand on the door and suddenly spun around. “What changed your mind?”

  “About the store? I don’t know, I guess some of the things you said made sense.”

  “I’m glad to hear it but I meant something else. What changed your mind about calling me Kat?”

  “You said your friends all call you Kat.” I raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that right?”

  She grinned. “Yes, that’s right.”

  When Kathleen left there was an instant void in the room. Even Colin stopped waving his limbs around and just sat still with a thoughtful expression.

  “Just you and me again, kid,” I said and I could swear he raised an accusing eyebrow.

  “No judging, little brother,” I warned and picked him up out of the bouncer.

  It was Tuesday morning when I ran into Jane Ryan wearing a bohemian dress in peacock colors and frowning over a pile of heirloom tomatoes at Windom Grocery on Garner Avenue.

  “Kat!” Jane’s grimace vanished and she appeared delighted to see me. She had the classic Ryan family thick black hair and deep blue eyes, like her brother and her nephew. But where Chris’s hair had started to show streaks of gray hers was still lustrous and uniform.

  “Hi Jane.” I hugged her.

  When I was a kid Jane babysat for me a few times when my mother began dating her soon-to-be third husband (later to become her third ex-husband). Jane’s babysitting career ended the day we found a lost puppy at the park. Jane wrapped the struggling creature in her jacket in a misguided rescue effort. When we returned to my front yard the angry ball of fur leapt out of her jacket and fastened its teeth to my left arm. I screamed. Jane screamed louder. One of my neighbors heard the noise and jumped over a hedge to get to us. After he pulled the ‘puppy’ away it ran off and he asked why the hell we were playing around with a coyote. Jane hyperventilated and I needed to get a series of rabies shots. My mother was not amused.

  “Nash told me what happened,” she said and I dropped the two boxes of cereal I was holding.

  I bent down to scoop them up and regain some composure because I was sure my face was as flaming red as that tomato in Jane’s hand. I hadn’t thought of Nash as a hapless blabbermouth who would gossip to his aunt about his sexual escapades but I’d been wrong about people before.

  “I’m so glad Colin’s okay,” Jane continued. “Kevin and I were over at the house last night. Thank you for everything you did for him. And for Nash. I know my nephew’s not always the easiest man to get along with. I’m so grateful you were there.”

  I breathed easier. Nash had just told her about the midnight trip to urgent care. Not the after party.

  “I was happy to come,” I said, nearly gagging over my words because they were true in more ways than one.

  Jane studied me. “You look beautiful today.”

  I touched my hair. “That’s nice of you to say.”

  “Radiant.” Jane nodded.

  “What?”

  “You’re radiant. There’s this aura of gratified serenity surrounding you.”

  “New skin product,” I said, hoping that would put an end to this particular conversational thread. It didn’t.

  “No.” Jane frowned at me the same way she’d frowned at the inadequate tomatoes. “That’s not it. This is a glow that comes from within.”

  I was bad at keeping a poker face. Jane was still scrutinizing me as if my forehead was tattooed with letters she could read.

  And they’d say: I fucked Nash Ryan. And I liked it.

  “The store is reopening this week,” I said as if that explained everything.

  Jane blinked. “What store?”

  Honestly, I loved Jane but sometimes the woman was daft. “Chris’s store. Hawk Valley Gifts.”

  Instantly I wished I hadn’t brought up the name of her dead brother. Jane’s expression changed. “Right,” she said softly. “It was once my dad’s store. He used to keep a jar of penny candy sticks on the counter.”

  I hugged the boxes of Emma’s favorite cereal to my chest. “The reopening is Friday morning,” I said. “I’m sure Nash would love it if you’d stop by.”
<
br />   Jane cheered up. “Will you be there?”

  “Yes. For a little while anyway. I’ve been helping Nash get all the details sorted out. He’s going to reach out to some of the local artists who have work for sale to see if they have anything new. Have you been painting?”

  “Not really.” Jane’s gaze wandered out the glass door. “I used to always look at the mountains for inspiration. I can’t do that anymore.”

  I looked where Jane was looking. The Hawk Mountain range had always been a permanent friendly backdrop to anyone who lived here. I guess I wasn’t alone in suppressing a shudder every time I gazed at them now.

  I couldn’t stick around and talk to Jane for very long. I’d only stopped in here to pick up Emma’s cereal before my scheduled meeting with Nash. Garner Avenue was a long, narrow strip that ran through the center of town. Hawk Valley Gifts occupied a space way at the other end but I chose to walk, inhaling the honeyed promise of early summer.

  There was a new sign on the shop door, right above the one that said ‘CLOSED’. The bold typed letters read, “Hawk Valley Gifts will be reopening Friday, June 8. Thank you for your support.” Nash must have put it there.

  He leaned against the checkout counter, elbows resting on the polished wood in a way that suggested he’d been waiting for a few minutes. I wasn’t late. Nash was just trying to prove he was on top of things.

  “Where’s Colin?” I asked as some basic part of me performed an involuntary somersault. I’d spoken to Nash a couple of times since we parted on the great Morning After but this was the first time we’d been in the same room together since I walked out of his kitchen two days ago feeling fabulous and faintly sore. If I appeared as radiant as Jane insisted then I had Nash to thank although I’d rather lick the Garner Avenue asphale than admit it to him.

  “Nancy’s watching him,” Nash said. His eyes skimmed over me with slow precision. His blue polo shirt was a step above his usual attire and his black hair was carefully combed instead of tousled and wild. I could smell his aftershave from here, a scent of spicy masculinity that had been designed to make ovaries quiver.

  “Is that breakfast?” he asked, pointing to the boxes I was accidentally crushing.