In This Life

by Cora Brent

  I lost all sense of time as we stayed on the couch with our arms around each other. But the sound of small steps shuffling into the room ended the embrace.

  “Mommy?” said Emma, rubbing her eyes as a stuffed duck named Mr. Ford dangled from one hand.

  Nash had already moved to the other side of the couch. I smoothed my nightshirt down and gently addressed my daughter.

  “What’s wrong, baby? Your tummy still hurt?”

  “No.” Emma planted herself on the couch between Nash and me. She kicked her bare little feet and frowned. “I had a dream.”

  “A bad dream?”

  Emma shook her head and pushed her wispy brown hair out of her face. “In my dream I had a dog.”

  “A dog?” I touched my daughter’s head and smiled. Emma had been obsessed with getting a dog ever since meeting Roxie. “That sounds like a nice dream.”

  “It was,” she said and yawned.

  Nash was watching her in silence but I saw he was amused.

  Emma noticed him suddenly. “Why are you here?”

  “Emma,” I said, clearing my throat to stall for time. I never brought men around to meet Emma, which wasn’t usually a problem because my dates tended to cap out around twice a year. “Nash just stopped by to say hello.”

  “Is that why you were hugging him?”

  Nash caught my eye. “I was sad,” he told Emma. “Your mom was being nice, trying to make me feel better.”

  “Do you?”

  “Do I what?”

  She sighed and crossed her arms, a gesture she’d gotten from me. “Do you feel better?”

  He was trying not to laugh. “Yeah. I feel much better.”

  “Why didn’t you bring Roxie?”

  “It’s late. She was tired.”

  “Hey.” I circled my arm around her small shoulders. “Speaking of tired, aren’t you tired, little miss?”

  “No,” said Emma but she yawned again. She wrinkled her nose and peered up at Nash. “You should have brought her. She could have slept in my bed.”

  Nash smiled. “Roxie would have enjoyed that.”

  Emma nodded. “I miss her.”

  “I think she misses you too.”

  “Mommy, can I go see her now?” She looked up at me with a beseeching expression that was tough to resist.

  “Not now, Ems. You need your rest.”

  “Tell you what,” Nash said, leaning forward as if he were telling a secret, “you can come over and see her anytime.”

  “Tomorrow?” Emma said hopefully.

  “Uh,” Nash said, glancing at me. “Fine with me if it’s okay with your mom.”

  “Are you working at the store tomorrow?” I asked him.

  “No. I can go over the new merchandise orders at home while taking care of Colin. I promoted Betty to assistant manager and the new guy you found on short notice looks like he’ll work out to fill in the gaps part time.”

  That reminded me of something. “Thanks for hiring Todd by the way,” I said. “He’s the son of my mom’s friend. People don’t always give him a chance because they think he’s on the slow side. But he’s a hard worker and he’ll do a good job for you.”

  “I’m sure he will.”

  “What time?” piped up Emma.

  When we looked confused she let out another one of her ‘can’t believe you adults are so dense’ sighs and hugged her stuffed duck. “What time can I come see Roxie?”

  Nash grinned. “We’ll work it out.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Emma-bear,” I said, nudging her off the couch. “Let’s talk about it tomorrow, okay? Right now you need to get back to bed.”

  Emma resisted for a few seconds but then she jumped off the couch and started to walk back to her room.

  “I’ll just be a minute,” I said to Nash.

  I followed Emma back to her bedroom and tucked the covers around her as she yawned and closed her eyes.

  “Sweet dreams, angel face,” I said, kissing her smooth forehead.

  “Of dogs,” she said in a whisper and a few seconds later her eyelids began fluttering. She didn’t often wake up in the middle of the night and I was confident she’d stay asleep now.

  My little girl didn’t see me blow her a kiss from the doorway before I closed the door behind me but I liked to think she could somehow feel the love even when she was dreaming.

  Nash was still sitting on the couch right where I’d left him. I wasn’t sure he would be. His eyes swept over my body with such bold heat my nipples tingled. I didn’t even know a reaction like that was possible from a two second glance.

  “I should go,” he said, standing.

  I leaned against the wall. “You don’t have to.”

  He paused, then peered in the direction of Emma’s room and headed for the door. “Why don’t you shoot me a text when you and Emma are ready to stop by tomorrow?”

  “I’ll do that.”

  Nash turned and stared at me. “Thanks, Kat.”

  I didn’t want him to leave. But the words got stuck on my tongue. “There’s nothing to thank me for, Nash.”

  He still stared at me. His hand was on the doorknob and suddenly he grinned. “You know, I was thinking something earlier. Something that might be a little pathetic.”

  “I’m sure it’s not pathetic.”

  “You might disagree if you knew what it was.”

  “Try me.”

  “I was thinking that these days you just might be my best friend.”

  That statement could be a sweet tribute. Or it could be an intoxicatingly sexy thing to hear in the right circumstances. These happened to be the right circumstances.

  “And you might be mine,” I said.

  Our eyes locked. Nash hesitated, then nodded as if he’d just come to a reluctant decision.

  “Good night,” he said and exited abruptly.

  Now it was my turn to sigh. I had no right to feel disappointed. Maybe Nash thought tonight’s mood had become too intimate and we’d end up blurring the lines beyond physical pleasure, beyond the closeness of a fairly new friendship.

  I went to confirm the door was locked, checking the peephole out of habit. The distorted glass showed me that Nash hadn’t left. He was standing just within the harsh glare of the porch light, his back turned as if he was studying the street.

  He didn’t move when I opened the door and joined him outside, silently closing the door behind me.

  There was a chill in the air, a remnant of a cool breeze that sometimes rolled off the mountains and lingered before giving way to summer humidity. I stood in front of him barefoot and raised my arms, wrapping them around his broad shoulders. I had never been short as a child. In adulthood I wasn’t small boned and petite. Many men were smaller than me. And every time I’d been with Nash I’d been fascinated by the size of him. He was about six foot four, layered with muscle, and it was intoxicating when he wrapped his powerful arms around my body. The way he was doing now, surrounding my waist, pulling me against him, forcing me to suppress a moan when my nightshirt rode up and I felt him through my panties.

  “Kiss me,” I whispered.

  Nash pulled me out of the glare of the porch light first. I felt my back make contact with the wall on the far side of the kitchen window and his mouth crashed into mine with demanding hunger. I knew this area was dark, that we would be unseen. My elderly neighbor lived on the other side of the building. The street was quiet. There was no one to witness the way I urged his hands to keep exploring beneath my thin nightshirt. No one could see how I rubbed my sensitive core against him with a shameless rhythm that would send me over the edge if I kept it up. My panties had to be damp when he peeled them over my hips and loosened his belt. I would do this. I had no will to pull away. I would eagerly open my legs for him right here against the side of the freaking building like a sex-crazed lunatic. I wanted him that much.

  But then I came with my legs around his waist, bucking against him like a wild animal rutting
in the cool night air and shamelessly getting off by using the friction of his clothes, the pressure of his hands kneading my flesh and the tantalizing feel of his hard cock that was still trapped in his boxers.

  “Does that offer still stand?” he challenged when I was still trying to catch my breath.

  “What offer?”

  “You said I didn’t have to go.”

  I planted soft kisses along his jaw. “It still stands.”

  “You want me to stay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes what?”

  “Yes, I want you to stay.”

  Nash had more sense than I did. He didn’t screw me out here within sight of the street. He took me to my bed, stripped everything off and put his mouth all over the place until I shook and quivered and was struck with another overpowering orgasm. I was still writhing in its intense throes and trying to stay quiet when he rolled on a condom, lifted my hips and pushed his way inside. I’d already learned something important about him. Nash never fucked exactly the same way twice. He’d been slow and gentle before, teasing at other times, and then there was this, the way he slammed into me with ferocious passion. I loved it. I loved having him inside of me, losing himself, gasping as he came.

  Afterwards he kissed my breasts, rolled his tongue along my belly and then pulled my quilt up over my naked body before folding me into his arms.

  “Will you spend the night?” I asked, wincing over the question. I didn’t want him to hear how much I hoped the answer would be yes.

  “I’d like that,” he said and kissed my forehead. “But I’ll leave early before Emma wakes up. Sleep now, beautiful Kat.”

  But I didn’t sleep right away. He fell into a calm slumber long before I did. I was too busy staring at the dark ceiling and trying to sort out the warring thoughts in my head.

  I was no longer thinking of ghosts and enemies of the past. I was thinking of something much more practical.

  When Nash and I first started down this path I’d sworn to myself that my heart wasn’t up for grabs. But in no time at all he had come perilously close to capturing it anyway. He just didn’t know it.

  I wondered if I’d ever tell him.

  “I might need a favor,” I said, zipping my fly.

  Kat tossed me a mocking look. “I believe I just swallowed your most recent favor.”

  I chuckled. She always managed to surprise me. Kathleen Doyle was a perfect blend of wit and beauty.

  “I meant a favor that doesn’t involve skin and orgasms.”

  “That doesn’t sound fun.”

  “It might not be. And feel free to say no.”

  She buttoned her blouse. It was a shame. The view was much better when it was unbuttoned. “I’m intrigued.”

  “I’ve got to go back to Oregon and clean out my apartment. Most of that shit can get pitched into the nearest charity bin but there are some things worth keeping.”

  “And you want my help loading the moving truck?”

  I rolled my eyes. “No. I’m planning on flying out, doing a quick clean and pack before driving back here in a UHaul. It should take me less than forty-eight hours but it’s not really a trip suitable for an infant.”

  “So you’re asking me to watch Colin.”

  “Yeah, if you can take him for just a couple of nights that would be great. I’m already taking way too much help from Nancy when it comes to daycare. I didn’t want to ask her to keep him overnight too.”

  Kathleen finished buttoning up and put her hands on her hips, surveying me with a puzzled look. “Nash, I thought you knew you didn’t even have to ask. I’m always ready to help with Colin.”

  “And Roxie,” I admitted.

  She raised an eyebrow. “Your dog?”

  “It would be easier and faster if I could leave her here. She’s well trained. Just feed her, walk her and give her a place in the corner to sleep.”

  “Emma would love that,” Kat said, smiling. “The problem is my landlord doesn’t allow pets. I know I’ll be moving out soon anyway but he’s kind of a dick and if he finds any evidence of pet hair he’ll smack me with a mammoth cleaning fee.”

  The solution was simple. “Stay at the house for a few days then.”

  When Kat didn’t instantly jump at the option I realized she might be thinking I’m one big dictatorial asshole.

  Watch the baby. Take care of my dog. Stay at my house. It’s not like you have your own life, right? Right??

  Kathleen did have her own life and more responsibilities than I could keep track of. I wished I’d never brought up the subject.

  “Look,” I said. “It’s okay. I should have guessed it was an imposition. Maybe Jane can-“

  “No.” She interrupted, shaking her head. “It’s really no hassle.” Her pained expression said something a little different.

  I sat on the edge of the desk in the office that had been my father’s and my grandfather’s before that. This summer Kat and I had developed a regular routine. Twice a week we’d meet to meet at the store before it opened and do some real dirty work before discussing financial matters. But our interactions weren’t exclusively about naked games and money. Whenever she had the time I took her out to lunch. She and Emma stopped by the house several times a week, Kat to see Colin and Emma to see Roxie. And we talked and texted constantly, about everything from Colin’s new ability to sit up to miscellaneous local news. Aside from Colin, Kat had turned out to be the most important person in my life.

  But I couldn’t deny that I seriously loved fucking her. This morning I had taken my time peeling her clothes off and teasing her while feeling triumphant over how easy it was to get her to come on my hand. Then she got on her knees and sucked me off like a champ with my hands tangled in her thick curls, thrusting my cock between her lips to set the pace.

  Yet now the mood had grown serious so I needed to forget about how soft her mouth was for a few minutes.

  “You don’t seem thrilled,” I said. “Forget about it, this is on me. I really shouldn’t have asked you to drop everything and come oversee my life.”

  She waved a hand. “Nash, stop. I’m always happy to spend time with Colin and you know Emma will be ecstatic to have a dog for a few days.”

  I studied her. Kat wasn’t the brooding type. It’s one of the things I appreciated about her. People knew where they stood with her. If something was up she wouldn’t keep quiet about it for long.

  “Then what’s wrong?” I asked gently, drawing her to me and tipping her chin up so I could see into her troubled eyes.

  “I was just thinking about the last time I stayed in that house.” She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder before continuing. “I was between apartments and Emma was still a baby. I had two weeks until my new lease began and the idea of staying with my mother was enough to induce an ulcer. So Heather insisted that I stay with her and Chris. She cooked homemade meals for me, wouldn’t allow me to lift a finger to help with housework and watched Emma so I could get some much needed rest.” She raised her head and now she smiled. “I slept in your old room. I bet you didn’t know that.”

  “I didn’t.”

  Her smile fell away. “I miss her.”

  “I know you do,” I said. I planted a quick kiss on her lips and moved over to the desk.

  Kathleen watched me as I sat down and began examining an inventory report. “We’ve never talked about her. Not really.”

  “Who?” I knew damn well who. I just didn’t want to have that particular conversation now. Or ever.

  “Heather.”

  I hit a computer key harder than I needed to and squinted at the screen. “You asking if all the old gossip is true?”

  “No. I already know what’s true and what isn’t.”

  My eyes sharply swung back to her. “She told you?” I’d suspected as much. That didn’t mean I wanted to talk about it.

  “Yes, she told me.”

  I exhaled noisily. “It was a long time ago. Things got ugly.”

 
; “Love triangles usually do.”

  I snorted. “Love triangle. Makes it sound like a fucking soap opera.” Then I paused, wondering what Heather’s side of the story had been. “Heather and I got closer than we should have. I was eighteen and already no angel but nothing really happened. I liked being with her. A lot. And I thought I could trust her. Then I found out I couldn’t.”

  Kathleen winced. “Heather felt truly terrible about what happened. She cared about you but she was in a bad place in her life at the time, had just suffered through a really crappy breakup. She made some dreadful choices but she was vulnerable and she was young.”

  “She was twenty-five,” I pointed out. “Younger than you are now.”

  Kat nodded but looked uneasy. “And she always blamed herself for the rift between you and your father.”

  “She didn’t help. But my dad and I didn’t need any assistance when it came to grabbing each other’s throats.” I grimaced, remembering occasions when furious words flew between us like carelessly flung knives. My father wasn’t to blame for all of it. I’d said things I wished I hadn’t and found it impossible to take them back.

  “The two of us had been sitting on a powder keg for a long time,” I admitted. “All we were waiting for was someone to light the match.”

  “Heather never wanted to be that someone.”

  “I’m sure she didn’t.” The sarcasm in my voice hadn’t been planned.

  Kat became defensive. “It’s true, Nash. When Heather realized the magnitude of what she’d done and how she was getting between you and your dad she stayed away from both of you, even left and took a job in Flagstaff for a while. You’d already gone off to college and she felt like too many people here were still talking about her. But then her mother got sick so she came back. Chris was a friend to her while she held her dying mother’s hand. She didn’t mean to fall in love with him. And I’m sure he didn’t mean to fall in love with her either.”

  Her face was earnest. She wanted me to say that all was well, that I completely forgave Heather and Chris. But the taste of betrayal is bitter. It lingers. Kathleen wouldn’t understand that because she was as close to perfect as anyone I’d ever met.