Andy Kaufman

by Bob Zmuda

  And now the critical moment would take place. This is when the “trick” or “switch” takes place. On stage, a magician would mask the switch right before our eyes with a puff of smoke or a beautiful sexy assistant to divert our attention. Andy at the hospital would need a diversion also. Something to divert that handful of his friends and family who gathered around him for the final vigil. Luckily, this final vigil took days, with people walking in and out of Andy’s room. A few would leave occasionally (like I did) to go eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, make a phone call, etc. Remember, no more than a minute was needed to accomplish the switch, which took place when everybody had stepped out momentarily. Then the body double would be wheeled in by his accomplice. Andy would then quickly jump out of bed and be replaced. Andy would be put in the wheelchair and, before you could say “Maharishi Mahesh Yogi,” be transported out of the building before any family member or friends returned. With the prosthetics already put firmly in place over the body double’s face and the matchup being worked on for months, when the guests would filter back into the room, they just assumed it was still Andy in bed … but it wasn’t. Andy was transported to another location, where he would have his first real meal in months. When the body double finally succumbed, all gathered around totally believing Andy had died. The corpse was now covered with a sheet and taken down to the morgue. In the middle of the night, the accomplice had one last duty to perform and that was to remove the prosthetic pieces from the corpse. The next day, the body was sent to Nassau Funeral Home in Great Neck for a formal viewing before burial at nearby Beth David cemetery.

  When one of Andy’s close friends viewed the now mortician-prepared body at the funeral home and commented, “Jesus, it doesn’t even look like him,” a reply from another well-wisher gathered was simply, “Cancer will do that to you.” The illusion is now complete. The body double is safely buried, while the magician takes a thirty-year break, growing his hair back and also a beard, along with gaining as much weight as he can, so he will actually be fat for the first time in his life. As for family and friends who were gathered at the hospital for the death watch (unless they were in on it), I believe they believed they saw Andy wither away and die. What they saw was Andy wither away but they saw someone else die. Presto change-o!!!

  As for the body in the casket at the funeral home in Great Neck, it could be a wax dummy or the body double’s. Andy had some distinctive marks on his face, most notably his eyebrows. The body double’s eyebrows would have been trimmed to look like Andy’s, the same procedure the hair people on Man on the Moon did with Jim’s eyebrows, or it was wax. I do know that Andy had two sets of facial casts that were given to him. One was from makeup artist Ken Chase, and the other was the mold they did of his face on Heartbeeps. After his death, neither mold was ever found among his belongings.

  As for the body double’s funeral, wouldn’t his family have missed his body? I can only speak with some certainty on what Andy himself had told me. When I informed him what he was about to do was illegal and the less I knew about it the better, he complied with my wishes and stopped talking. Therefore, the intricacies of the body double’s funeral were unknown to me. If I was to venture a guess, I’d say that the body double’s accomplice told the relatives (if there were any) that the body double had died, and his wishes were not to have a large funeral but a simple ceremony where his ashes would be scattered over his favorite spot. Case closed.

  There’s no doubt that there were many, many other small details involved in accomplishing this, but basically it’s not as complicated as it first appears. It is estimated that over 6,000 people fake their deaths annually, over 400 in the U.S. alone. Like any great illusion, the trick is simpler than one can imagine. First he disappears and now, thirty years later, he reappears!

  ***

  OK, Kaufman, I’m going to end by making you an offer you can’t refuse. Since you’ve been out of commercial entertainment for the last thirty years, and since you had to put out a good sum of money to pull off your death, I’m guessing you may be at the point in your life where you might need funds, if not for yourself then for your wife and new children (if you have any), as I’m sure you’re concerned about their futures. Therefore I am willing to offer you $1 million.

  Here’s how it will work: I have signed a contract with one of the largest concert promoters in the country, HUKA Entertainment. Its CEO, A.J. Niland, has said after you return the first time, within three months he’d like to mount a second massive “coliseum size” event and pay you $1 million.

  ***

  Andy, I don’t have to tell you how big and controversial an event your return will be. My staff and I are already preparing ourselves for a media frenzy and so should you. You should give thought to bringing on board a full-time publicist. (I’m compiling a list for you to choose from.) The day after your return is going to be quite busy, as we will be fielding offers from all media. Certainly the major morning news shows, such as ABC’s Good Morning America, NBC’s Today, and CBS This Morning, are going to want you to be on. We’ve been kicking this around and feel that you should keep them at bay at first, and we should focus on the talk shows for an exclusive. We will have The View, Ellen, 60 Minutes, Dr. Phil, etc., to choose from, but 60 Minutes is probably your best bet. And it would help ticket sales if you appeared on it closer to your coliseum event. Dr. Phil we can do later. I’m sure he’ll take the position that what you did was cruel to those who loved you, and something like this really opens up a whole discussion of death and how we all deal with it. There will be skeptics, since I’m sure you look quite different than you did thirty years ago. So I’d like to have some non-invasive DNA testing taken on your return—just hair and fingernail samples will do. I’m told within ten days we will have the results.

  Probably one of the most important phone calls I want to have is a conference call the day after your return with you, me, and Lorne Michaels from SNL, as I’d like you to host SNL. You can do a bit where this time the audience votes Dick Ebersol out of ever producing the show again. We won’t be mean about it. Perhaps you and Dick can make up on the air. Like they say, time heals all.

  Anyway, all of this is going to be great fun. I mention some of this now so you will have time to consider the possibilities. But then again, I’m sure that you have many ideas along with directions to give since you’ve had thirty years to think about it. Can’t wait to hear them. Now Andy, I fully realize that you might not want any of this. After all, it’s your life. You might be a Buddhist monk for all I know, and I totally support your decision either way. But if you do, I’m there for you and have a good staff of people at your disposal.

  One of the top agencies in town has already contacted me in hopes of being the first in signing you. They believe your product-endorsement potential can well be in the seven figures the first year alone. They stated, “Andy Kaufman faking his death for thirty years may just be the smartest move an entertainer has ever made. It’s right up there with Robert Redford creating his Sundance empire and Paul Newman developing his own food line of Newman’s Own. We’d be honored to represent him and take what he and Bob started to the next level.”

  Andy, I hope you’re reading this, and I’d be a liar if I didn’t see massive dollar signs at stake. Just keep in mind, every penny that Paul Newman made from his Newman’s Own products went directly into his charity programs. You can also alleviate a lot of suffering on this planet by your return. As you know, after you left, I was forced to reinvent myself, as I too became disenchanted with Hollywood and fell into a whole other field quite by accident. With the support of Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, and Whoopi Goldberg, I founded Comic Relief, a nationally recognized major charity. To date we have raised over $80 million for those in need. Andy, Comic Relief is living proof that Hollywood is not all greed.

  I’ve decided that ticket sales for your return will be a fundraiser for Comic Relief. Specifically, I want to raise funds to help save the elephants. Did you know that ove
r 25,000 elephants a year are slaughtered for the illegal ivory trade? Some corrupt African countries actually use their own military helicopters to swoop down upon elephant herds in the middle of the night, and then wearing night goggles, they machine gun the entire herd. Then they land and cut off the tusks of these gentle giants, some who unfortunately are still alive. The females and youngsters who don’t even have tusks are slaughtered along with the rest. Elephants, like humans, are known to mourn their dead. When they return the next day after the slaughter to do so, they too are slain. International crime organizations are running the operation and filtering the profits from the slaughter to finance al-Qaeda to kill Americans. Your return will not only raise funds that evening, but also help bring attention to this issue. It’s a shitty world, Kaufman, but your newborn celebrity can bring a lot of attention to some very important issues. To find out more about what’s happening to the elephants, I’d suggest going to the International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW) website (http://www.ifaw.org/united-states).

  I also spoke to a good contact I have over at Universal who totally believes you faked your death and told me that if you do choose to return, Universal will make The Tony Clifton Story in a “a New York minute.” Wouldn’t that be a gas? Do you know that Tony Clifton is now the exact age that we created him to look like over thirty years ago? I.e., we don’t have to wear those time-consuming prosthetic pieces, like sagging jowls, anymore to make ourselves look older. We are older. I don’t know about you, but I’ve put on some weight. Maybe you haven’t. Probably not, because I’m only guessing that you’ve maintained your TM and yoga and that would keep you slim. I can’t wait to see you again. Actually, I’m quite anxious about it. I’m sure there’ll be many tears shed (and some anger), but I’m telling close friends of yours who are planning on attending to keep all of that behind closed doors afterwards. I tell them to remember that you will be appearing for the first time in thirty years in a public forum. So let’s keep it light and theatrical at first. Afterwards back in the green room is when you can meet those closest to you and then the tears can flow. I’ll also have a private room set up just for you and Lynne. She’s totally convinced herself over the years that you died, and possibly of AIDS. She had herself tested and luckily turned up negative. When you show up, I’m not sure if her mind is going to be able to take it all in. Dr. Joe Troiani suggested I have some trained counselors in attendance just in case some people start freaking out. Do consider saying a few words to the audience that night. Nothing like this has ever been attempted and I just want to be totally prepared for whatever, including “mass hysteria.” I’m going to hire three times the security we would normally have, plus a couple of medics with smelling salts. You’ll have some die-hard fans present, rest assured. We’ll do everything to protect your safety and the safety of your family, if you have one, who you may decide to bring with you. David Letterman is going to have another heart attack when he sees you.

  And don’t even give a thought to this “gay” issue. Much has changed in thirty years, and unless you’ve been living under a rock, nobody cares anymore about somebody’s sexual preferences. So if you have a significant other nowadays who just happens to be male, Lynne and I would love to meet him. Also be prepared for others showing up who will claim to be you. We have a good way of sorting that out as Lynne has described a certain mole on a certain part of your body that the public has not been privy to. Our security will not allow anyone claiming to be you to be let onstage unless he shows that mole. So don’t be offended if you have to take your shirt off and be checked. Lynne said you’ll know what she’s talking about.

  Andy, you’ve pulled off some crazy stunts in your lifetime, but this one certainly takes the cake. I’m curious to see how or if your philosophy on life has changed. The world has become so terribly materialistic in thirty years, something that I know you struggled not to be a part of, which I know was part of the motivation of your “checking out.” Certainly your return, as I just stated, is going to open up countless lucrative deals. I wonder if you’re prepared for that. I would strongly advise that you start thinking in terms of a financial adviser. Come the day after your return you will overnight become one of the highest-paid celebrities out there. It would be good for you to have at last a preliminary game plan ready so you can hit the ground running. My staff and I have kicked this around for the last year and have some thoughts on it. I’m hoping that you would like to retain my services as both your writer and producer. If not, no problem. I’ll be happy just to see you again, buddy.

  I’m going to try my darnedest to get your brother and sister to attend your return. As I’ve described thus far, the relationship between them and Lynne is at an all-time low. I’m glad on your return you’ll be able to straighten everything out, thus there’ll be no need for this Andy Kaufman Memorial Trust business.

  I can’t wait to hear your take on Man on the Moon. Lynne doesn’t think the film captured you at all. I’m not as harsh, realizing it was an impossible task to begin with, and it has brought a new young audience as a fan base, which you’ll experience on your return. I can’t wait to have you and Jim Carrey meet. The guy really worked his ass off trying to capture you, so if you didn’t like his performance, maybe try to keep it to yourself.

  I’ve contacted two of the three prostitutes who attended your funeral. They will also be there on your return. Both of course are out of the business and now have families of their own. (They’re still meditating.) Sadly, the third girl passed away eight years ago due to breast cancer. She gave me a letter to give to you upon your return. She also never gave up hope that you were still alive. She’d call me up every few years around the anniversary of your “death” wanting to know if you were secretly in contact with me. I could honestly say no. When she only had a few months to live, I contacted her and told her a little white lie. I told her that you had contacted me. She was beside herself with joy and said, “I knew it.” She died a short time afterward.

  And last but not to “be de least” is your own daughter Maria, whom you never met. Kaufman, I swear, she has the exact same eyes as you. I’ve decided not to invite her to your return. I think that could be a little too much for you and her to handle. I will leave it to you to reach out to her when you’re ready. I know you’ll be proud of her. She is quite a remarkable woman, married to a great guy named Joe Colonna. She holds no resentment, either against you or her biological mother, for giving her up for adoption. She realized you both were kids yourself at the time, and it was the right thing to do. Andy, she’s so proud that you’re her dad. And so is her daughter, who soon will be calling you Papu. It’s a chance for you to correct an unintentional hurt that happened to you as a child when your grandfather died.

  You know there will be ramifications, as I warned you thirty years ago that faking your death is illegal. I’ve spoken to a couple of lawyers at Mitchell Silberberg & Knupp who feel confident that, under these unusual circumstances, and because they feel you really didn’t fake your death for financial gain but rather to exercise your First Amendment right of free expression, all of this could be cleared up by simply repaying those monies paid out with interest (another reason to take the mil). Also I think (and I’m sure you’ll agree) that something special should be done for the family of your body double. Without him, you never would have been able to pull any of this off. I’m guessing your body double is in your grave. Upon your return, an exhumation could take place and his body could be returned to his loved ones for a proper burial. His funeral thirty years ago was probably a spreading of his “cremains” (powdered cement), as many victims of cancer would rather their ravaged bodies not be put on display. He truly was a diehard fan of yours and on your return we will take time to recognize his contribution. After all, he gave his life to help pull off the greatest hoax of all time. If his accomplice is still alive, he or she, too, should be recognized.

  Kaufman, wait till you hear this: if you think your family is nuts, mine’s wors
e. I get a call from Dr. Troiani. It seems my sister Marilyn and her husband Bob Soraparu called him up “concerned about the state of my mental health.” What fueled this was that unfortunately I sent them an early draft of this book and they read it and thought I’d gone off the deep end. As they put it, “With this delusion that Andy’s still alive.” They think that I’m “in denial of your death” and basically I’ve gone bananas believing that you’re returning. What’s worse is they fear when you don’t show, I’m going to suffer a total mental collapse and might even harm myself. Can you believe such nonsense? So Marilyn asks Dr. Troiani if there’s any way he can submit papers that would force me to go see a shrink. Joe told them the process is called “involuntary commitment for a psychiatric evaluation.” Can you believe this bullshit? What makes this even funnier is that Marilyn and Bob weren’t aware that Dr. Troiani himself believes you faked your death and you’re coming back. Of course he didn’t tell them that. He just told them that he’ll “look into things.” So Andy, you’d better show or my sister and her husband are going to have me thrown into the loony bin! How funny is that? Oh, and get this—Marilyn is the same sister who believes the moon landing was faked.