Blogbuster: A Sci-Fi Thriller

by Mars Dorian

  Violet caught Laci’s attention.

  “Who’s the one with the seventeen percent score?”

  The vloggers turned around with raised eyebrows. Looked like everyone else wanted to know as well. Laci offered a fake giggle.

  “Nah, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I can assure you the concerned person will know soon enough.”

  73

  Bam headed straight for the toilet. Branding, branding, his head was burning from all the talking. He did fine without it. Attracted a good amount of views and made decent money for the first years in his tweens. No branding required.

  Just enough passion to burn metal.

  And grit.

  Lots.

  Of.

  Grit.

  Bam stood in front of the urinal, took out his masterstick and released his warm yellow stream. He enjoyed the aaaaah moment when the liquid load dropped, one of the small pleasures in a man’s life. He closed his eyes and thought of tomorrow’s mission, thought about improving his game. A digital sound appeared from above, coming from the snowball-shaped device hovering above his head. Meh.

  Vorbs, here, in the restroom too?

  Whatever happened to privacy.

  Pissed away.

  “Bam, do you know why I’m here?” a female voice said from the Vorb.

  It was Laci’s voice.

  “Probably not because you like to see me releasing fluids.”

  “That is correct. I’ve graded your branding test results.”

  “Uh-oh. Let me guess, I’m the one with the seventeen percent.”

  “Unfortunately, that is correct. And I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I think a brain damaged squirrel is better at branding than you.”

  “Thanks for the pep talk.”

  A faint humming from the Vorb sounded.

  “I’m afraid I can’t let you partake in tomorrow’s mission if you don’t know how to present yourself.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes. You need to buckle up, bromeo, let me help you. Meet me in the holoroom, I have something special cooked up.”

  “When?”

  “As soon as you finish your pissness.”

  “Got it.”

  The Vorb quit the connection and hovered away. A small hole over the door opened and let the device fly through. Bam put his masterstick back and zipped up. He splashed some water on his hands and wondered what Laci was going to do to him.

  74

  Bam found himself back in the holoroom. He saw Laci sipping on some kind of white shake with cookie dough. She slurped so loud, her animal noises echoed through the circular room.

  “Heya Bam, I’m glad you made it.”

  She straightened her back and pointed towards the seat in front of her.

  “Please sit down, we’re going to start this class asap.”

  Uh-oh, Bam cringed. It felt like high school all over. Like that teacher creature in ninth grade that handed him detention slips as if they were coupons for the pizza plaza. She shoved them in his face as if to say, “Here have them, and some more, no wait, there’s even more. All free on the house.”

  Ugly blast from the past.

  Bam shook off the memory, sat down in the first row and focused on Laci in her cranky cosplay.

  “I’m all ears,” he said.

  “Bam, Bam, Bamio. It’s no secret that you’re struggling.”

  “Am I?”

  “Yessir, like majorly, with capital M. I’m not impressed, and neither is Roman Stax. He already turned two blind eyes to your application, but he won’t do it a second time. It’s a secret, but he made some not so subtle comment about busting you by default by the end of the next mission.”

  “By default? Why?”

  “Cause he got a heart of steel and a mouth full of credits.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  She shrugged and sipped more shake.

  “I dunno, I just wanted to land an insightful metaphor. Didn’t work.”

  Awkward pause.

  “Anyhoos, your bust-by-default may be preventable. Although you lack the community power of your rivals, we can still epic-fy your performance tomorrow.”

  She put up a holographic image of Bam. It showed him from head to foot in glorious 3D.

  “I’m going to take this sad little dude,” she swiped her hand over the Bam depiction and made the pixels change, “and I’m going to transform him into a walking commercial for Bam-assery.”

  The new Bam image included a flashy jacket, wrapped in snappy taglines and blink blink coming from his make-upped face. Laci blinked.

  “Zo pretty. But seriously now, I’m gonna brand you up like it’s Global Branding Day. I’m going to trademark your thoughts till every sentence you say becomes a shareable one-liner quote.”

  “Yippie,” he said with the passion of a sleep-induced sloth.

  “Can’t we just skip this and focus on tomorrow’s task? I’m not into the whole marketing aspect. I hate the idea of selling.”

  Laci shook her head and waved her index finger back and forth.

  “No can do, sir. You’re participating in a massive online media event. Failure to comply will result in in a drop in viewership. And it will maximize your changes of losing out, big time.”

  She stepped up close and gave him a thumbs-up right in his face.

  “It’s for your own good, Bamio. The better you present yourself, the better you do.”

  “You mean the better the show does.”

  “Heh, it’s win-win for everyone. You do want to win Stax’ million dollar salary position, right?”

  ‘Want’ was questionable, ‘need’ was more accurate. Still, he nodded. He had hoped this session would have flashed by in a blitz. Laci grinned.

  “Let’s build your fundamentals. Let’s go basic. What’s your purpose in life?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What are your goals?”

  “Take care of myself and my loved ones.”

  Laci nodded.

  “Shocksolid. Now let’s reframe that into a compelling mission statement. How would you turn that statement into a snappy one-liner?

  “Take care of myself and my loved ones.”

  “Yeah, but it’s missing some ooomph. Some hojo-mojo that makes it sound shareable. You want people on their screens go wild when they hear your line so they can share it with their family and friends.”

  Bam nodded with a blank expression on his face.

  Laci sighed.

  “Let me help you.”

  “Please.”

  “How about this one. I crash for my kin, and cash in for hurting my skin. This is me, this is my style. Community care, Bam behavior.”

  More like scam behavior. Cramps scratched inside Bam’s stomach, and they scratched hard.

  “Sounds a bit over the top,” Bam said.

  “Sounds super shareable to me,” Laci said, “because if you’re not over-the-top, you’re under-the-flop. Get it?”

  Laci and her wacky wordplays, take two. Two more and Bam would switch to the branding advice from the squirrel with the sufficient brain damage.

  “Do I really have to say this line?”

  “Yes, unless you find a better one. Remember, it’s all about creating a kick-ass image. If you can turn your life mission into a shareable statement, the right people are going to flock to you.”

  Laci smiled like the sun.

  “Do you see how awesome this is?”

  Bam’s face went steel-solid.

  “I can barely hide my excitement.”

  “I thought so. Now let’s look into the overall presentation. Have you thought about your preferred one-liners and favorite words?”

  Bam shrugged.

  “I say whatever comes to my mind.”

  Laci cringed as if she was suffering from food poisoning.

  “Bad, bad choice. You want to think about a Bam-branded talking style. Every time you open your mouth, the viewers
must feel your Bamness. Do you understand?”

  Bam never thought about his Bamness. When he breathed, he breathed, when he talked, he talked. Wasn’t everything that came out of his mouth a Bam-statement by default?

  “Shouldn’t I just be myself? Saying things that feel right to me?”

  “You shouldn’t be yourself, you should be your most epic self. Think about awesomefying your potential.”

  She paused.

  “Right now, you’re this small.”

  She pressed her index finger and thumb together.

  “Negative space in an open ocean of vast possibilities. So why play small, if you can play epic?”

  She stretched her index finger as far away from her thumb as she could.

  “From now on, you have to promise yourself to think about your every move. No more random speak, no more random movements. Only Bamified actions.”

  He nodded but rolled his eyes at the same time. Laci ignored it.

  “Remember, if you don’t label yourself, others will label you. And it may be a label that you hate, hate, hate more than your worst enemy in the galaxy.”

  She giggled and waved her index finger.

  “Brand yourself before you burn yourself.”

  “Is that another Roman Stax quote?”

  “Nope, this one is all mine. Sounds pretty cool, eh?”

  As cool as a brainfreeze.

  “I think I should trademark it.”

  She closed her eyes and sent a message to the network. In a matter of seconds, someone inside the Stax Media corporation started working on securing the ‘brand yourself before you burn yourself’ line.

  Before Laci drifted off, Bam interrupted her thought process.

  “So I have to Bam-ify my personality?”

  She nodded.

  “Think of your current personality as an old, smelly underwear with too many holes. And a lot of nasty flies flying around it.”

  She mimicked flies and mouthed mmmzzzzzzzz.

  “It’s time to throw it off and dress yourself with impeccable, kick-ass attire. That’s what branding is all about. Making you look good.”

  She paused.

  “Think of your purpose of your life and the videos you made. Filter down the keywords that make Bam younique. And then infuse that into everything you do. It’s not so hard once you figure out your ‘why’ in life.”

  Bam nodded.

  “Got it, ok, I’ll get to it. Is that all?”

  Laci raised her make-upped eyebrows.

  “Do you want to know who’s the best branded among your rival vloggers?”

  Bam shook his head. Not that Laci waited for his permission.

  “I tell you anyways. Visually, it’s Violet Gear, no surprise here. As a renowned techgear vlogger, she knows how to dress and impress. She’s also got a snarky personality, which ranks high among the fem crowds. Community-wise, it’s definitely Trigger. His tight niche of 3D printing and caring attitude makes people stick to him like Godzilla Glue. I strongly recommend you check some of their videos and analyze them.”

  “Will do.”

  Laci clapped her hands and squealed.

  “Greato. Now the homework for tomorrow. Turn your life goal into a snappy paragraph. Use unique phrases and words that represent that belief. And then learn them by heart, so when the Vorbs record you, your words ooze with Bamness.”

  She stood straight up and gave him a salute.

  “Also give me your tagline by the end of this day, so I can ™ it for you.”

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  Before Laci dedicated herself to the monster milk shake in her hand, she said,

  “Remember, Bamify yourself or die trying. A person without a brand—”

  “Is a loser, I get it,” Bam said.

  Laci closed the holoroom after he went out.

  “Good luck for tomorrow. The new mission will be tough as fails, but I believe it will be the most exciting renaissance of your life.”

  “I hope not,” Bam said.

  But in a way, he knew his hopes were in vain.

  75

  Bam strolled passed the commons, right into Violet’s field of vision. On her face appeared a big, fat grin.

  “Oh, you were the one with the seventeen percent test result.”

  Bam nodded, it was too late to deny it. Violet smiled, but her voice felt less hostile this time around.

  “What did you have to do?”

  “Survive a personal one-on-one brand session with Laci Steem.”

  “Sounds…interesting, how was it?”

  Bam opened his lips, but stopped midway through the thought process. He remembered Laci’s lesson. Don’t say the first thing that comes to your mind. Be a strategic commander with your thoughts. Kill every sentence that doesn’t build up your brand presence.

  So he looked at Violet with her eyebrows raised, made sure the eye contact stayed intense.

  Said,

  “It was Bamtastic,” and walked away.

  In the far off distance, Laci smiled and shot him two thumbs up.

  76

  On his way to the cafeteria, Bam received a private call from the hospital — Social State checking in for ze money.

  “I’m working on it,” he said to the lady.

  “I know you are, but I have to make this call. A fair warning — in two days, we have to send you an admonishment. I’m sorry, it’s nothing personal, just SOP.”

  “SOP? Suck on patients?”

  “Standard Operating Procedure.”

  “Oh, I see. Well, I promise you, I’m spending every waking hour on getting the money.”

  She paused on the other line.

  “Good luck. BTW — I’m watching the Blogbuster show. I hope you win, especially considering your financial fate.”

  He hung up on her.

  Yeah, me too.

  The healed wound on his stomach hurt again and made Bam cringe. He waddled towards a pillow and leaned in with his shoulder. Pulled up his shirt and found the skin as good as new.

  Wherever the aching sensation came from, his stomach wasn’t the cause.

  His mind was.

  77

  It was early evening, and Bam needed some rest. The next day was mission time, and with his current ranking, he needed to deliver. But he also needed to prepare, needed to become a real media persona.

  A vlogger with vigor.

  So he guzzled a liter bottle of hyper caffeinated Heronade, dragged his body across the room and activated Laci Steem’s Personal Branding for Imbeciles.

  The terror started in less than a nanosecond.

  Her shrill voice ripped through his eardrums, the rainbow colors of the interactive course flashed his half-open eyes. Lots of blink blink special effects, but did the content deliver?

  Bam dived into it. The intro made him cringe, the first lesson led deeper into the abyss. But he realized that choice was out of the window by now, he needed to fight through this jargon maze. ‘Cause when in hell, keep walking. Even if it was covered in rainbow visuals and disposable one-liners à la,

  “Be your brand, 24/7”

  and,

  “Listen yo, when I wake you up at two am in the morning, and you’re all sleepy-Z, moaning and turning like a zombie shot in the ribcage, and I touch you, and you don’t know…

  1) your tagline

  2) your mission statement

  3) your brand manifesto, word by word.

  ….then you’re roadkill on a spiked monster truck speedway.

  #laciknowsbest

  78

  The lame one-liners never stopped. But they did affect his mind.

  During Laci’s interactive course, he underwent full-bamification.

  He scribbed words that worked well with his name, such as,

  Bamtastic

  Bamlicious

  Bamify, bamified

  Bam yourself before you burn yourself

  Boom mindset, Bam Behavior

  Bam Brand, Bam branded
, Bam Branding

  And a hundred other combos, all of which sounded cheesy like raspberry-sprinkled Camembert. But he wanted to, no, needed to win the money, so he turned his ego back two gears and accelerated his sales mode. Because his rival vloggers wouldn’t stay idle, they were busy prepping for tomorrow’s event, probably even scheming his downfall.

  79

  Oh, they were scheming alright, especially Trigger. He sat in his room and went through his folders and notes. Covered under a sheet so no one else could see it. He called up his buddy Nick over an encrypted channel. Talked in weird code words.

  Scheming and teaming.

  The information Trigger needed trickled in. Day by day, info bit by info byte.

  He just needed a little more to fully plan for the grand day.

  Soon.

  80

  Many floors higher, Laci Steem cuddled with Roman Stax in his emperor-sized bed. They were naked like Adam and Eve, but oozed more original neo-rich-hipster flavor.

  Stax said,

  “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  Laci read him some data.

  “Vorb sales have tripled. Tension raised in the cafeteria. Five security guard uniforms disappeared.”

  Stax sighed.

  “Boring. Tell me something that blows me away.”

  Laci rubbed her stomach.

  “I think it’s gonna be a girl.”

  Stax’ eyes went Manga-wide.

  He lost his ability to speak. For a whole five nanoseconds.

  Laci cracked up.

  “Gotcha.”

  Stax’ face didn’t ease up, not yet.

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “You wanted me to blow you away, remember?”

  Stax wished he didn’t. Still, the girl had chutzpah, much more than his last mistresses / assistants / F-partners.

  So he said,

  “Why didn’t I discover you earlier?”

  “Because you focused on the wrong women,” she said.

  He nodded. Looked at his pretty geekgirl and starred into her glowing eyes. Something else lingered behind her sugary facade, something as intense as metal-melting laser, but Stax couldn’t pinpoint it. Was there a different Laci underneath? A Laci beyond the cranky wordplays and the cosplay extravaganza? He should—