‘I know you wouldn’t hurt me, Nate,’ I announce. ‘It is just around the corner.’
He nods and secures the car as I turn in the direction of the Thai restaurant. We walk side by side, a foot between us.
‘You’ve grown your hair,’ Nate announces.
‘Yeah,’ my stomach tightens, Luke had insisted that I grow my hair and somehow I have found myself complying to his commands, despite his absence in my life. I had started to grow it when he held me captive, I guess I hadn’t had the mind to think about what I wanted when he had disappeared, and simply gone along with what was expected of me.
‘You look different,’ he turns to appraise me.
I turn sideways to gauge whether this was a good thing or bad thing.
‘Not sure,’ he comments, he narrows his eyes as his gaze moves over me, regardless of the fact I hadn’t requested his opinion.
I prevent my mouth from forming the words. I’ll cut it if you want me too!
I remember Dr. Philips explanation of my instant response to such a statement. This is me attempting to appease people, something that had only happened since being dominated by Luke. Nate didn’t know this Sophie, the one that submits effortlessly to every command. He is more familiar with the one that would argue and object to anything that she didn’t believe in.
Confusion fills my mind. Why am I still growing my hair? I must have frowned because Nate interrupted my thoughts.
‘Sorry, I was just thinking how different you look to my Sophie, that’s all. You are still beautiful,’ he charms, ‘a different hairstyle couldn’t change that fact.’
‘Nate,’ I call over as we approach the restaurant.
‘Yeah?’ He stops, his glance moving to the nearby Thai restaurant.
‘I don’t think your Sophie exists anymore,’ my voice is mechanical, emotionless. It’s better that way, if I don’t shut off from the pain in my chest I don’t think I could stand upright.
He steps nearer and I hold my breath. Gazing down, his eyes warm and my heart skips a beat. Hold it together, I recite in my head.
‘My Sophie is in there,’ he whispers down, his voice like velvet, ‘she has been hurt badly, she is hiding inside herself to prevent that hurt from ever happening again. But she has to know that I believe in us enough to never walk away and to absolutely trust that I would never harm her. She is it for me. In some profound corner of her heart, I know she gets this, I know she loves me, she wouldn’t have done what she did for me if she didn’t.’ I am mesmerised by the intensity of his gaze, ‘now all I need to do is try to help her find that Sophie, because I have to tell you babe, I fucking well miss her like a right arm.’
His thumb swipes across my cheek to catch a tear I had no idea I was shedding.
‘Those eyes,’ he whispers, cupping my jaw. ‘I could drown in the depths of those hazel eyes,’ he leans forward and I immediately tense. He stops for a moment, giving me time to step back. I hear the blood pounding in my ears. ‘Breathe,’ Nate murmurs, I exhale a held breath simply because he has told me too. Something flickers in his eyes before he gently rests his warm lips against mine.
A sound emits from my throat, I have no idea what it signifies but it sounds like an animal in distress, all I know is that Nate steps back providing me the room I desire, his thumb being the last thing that detaches from my cheek. I see the concern in his eyes and know that he has just realized the level of fuckedupness that I possess.
‘Let’s eat,’ he drops his hand to mine and takes my fingers into his loose grasp.
I permit him to hold my hand and guide me into the small, intimate restaurant.
I push my food around my plate as I consider the fact that Nate is sitting opposite me, his demeanour relaxed, his eyes constantly watching me. It’s as if he is expecting me to bolt, which to be honest sounds good round about now. I have a variety of emotions running through me, none of which make any sense. My glance flickers around nervously, as if I am expecting Luke to appear any minute and make me suffer for daring to be in another man’s company.
‘Relax,’ Nate urges. ‘It’s just me and you,’ he assures me, as if he can read my mind.
I nod, ‘okay,’ I exhale a deep breath. ‘I bet you regret flying all the way out here to visit a complete nutcase,’ I laugh, sardonically.
His lips tighten and my guts follows, I swallow nervously.
‘Sophie, I love you. If it takes forever for you to remember what we had, then so be it,’ he leans in towards me over the table. ‘After the things you have endured, no one could blame you for a minute, for feeling like you do. All I ask of you is to give me some time, to remind you of how special we are together.’
‘Nate,’ I whisper, ‘you deserve so much more than this, I am half a person. I don’t know whether I can ever be with a man again,’ a pain appears from nowhere hitting me directly in the chest. I suck in a breath, ‘I’m sorry.’
Nate’s hand grasps mine, his thumb stroking lightly across my knuckles.
‘A man, no,’ his face hardens, ‘me, yes Sophie, you can,’ he insists. ‘You want to know how I know?’
I nod, as I even out my breathing.
‘Because you were made for me, we fit together perfectly, you gave yourself to me willingly to me once, and I believe you can again. What we share is mutual love, remember that, then remember how good it felt. Nothing between has ever been forced, nothing is threatened, the progression of our love was natural. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better and I am there. If it takes a lifetime,’ he shrugs, ‘I am not giving up, Sophie. One day we will rebuild and realise our dreams. The babies, the forever, it is all there for the taking, Sophie. No one will ever come between us again.’ He swears, lifting my hand to his mouth and closing his eyes as his lips skim the skin so gently it barely feels.
I close my eyes to stop the burning sensation that is searing through my veins, whether it be hope or dread, I cannot be certain, but it has my body trembling.
‘Jesus, Fuck!’ Nate moves around to drop down beside me, taking both my hands in his. ‘It’s okay, baby,’ he breathes, encouragingly.
My heart lurches at the devastation in his glance. I move a shaky hand to his stubbled jaw and allow the feeling of his skin against mine to flow through me. It feels so familiar and yet so alien. Our eyes collide and I inhale a huge breath of air as my body recognises him.
‘And there it is,’ Nate smiles, his dimple appearing at full effect. ‘There’s my girl,’ he whispers. ‘And that’s all I need, baby.’
‘Is everything okay, sir,’ a waiter appears, his expression bland as he takes in the huge American crouching down beside me.
‘Everything is just fucking great,’ Nate touches his mouth to our clasped hands before dropping them and standing. ‘Could we take the check please,’ he asks the waiter who scurries away.
Whatever it was that Nate saw in my eyes, evidently confirmed something to him. Gone was the cautious, haunted look of his gaze and back was the self-confident, cocky guy that I fell in love with.
‘Come on London, I’ll take you home,’ we leave the restaurant and head for his black Range Rover.
‘I don’t live far,’ I murmur.
‘It’s okay,’ he holds the door open, but instead of worrying about my reaction, he grins. ‘In!’ he invites.
I step from foot to foot, but cannot locate a reason not to climb inside. He is waiting patiently, allowing me to reach my own decision. Finally, I step up and sit in the plush leather seat, my heart pounding inside my chest as he closes the door behind me.
‘It’s Nate, it’s okay,’ I whisper to myself as he strides around the front of the car. My eyes follow him, he is still as stunning as ever, his dark hair flopping over his forehead, his full bottom lip inviting you to suck it in, not to mention those eyes. It suddenly occurs to me that I have been away a long time and I wonder whether he has dated other women, or more importantly had sex with other women. My stomach twists and the conflicting emotions cl
oud my mind.
‘Okay?’ he settles in beside me.
‘You fucked other women?’ My mouth blurts out before I can forbid it. The audacity of such an enquiry after what I have done, is inconceivable.
His head snaps around to look at me and I physically jump, ‘no, Soph,’ he frowns for a second before realising my fright and relaxing his stance, ‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ he looks insulted by my outburst. ‘You think I’d fuck other women and then fly half way across the world to bring you home?’
‘I am home,’ I remind him.
‘Not to our home,’ he mumbles, before pulling out of the parking space. ‘You want to direct me to your place?’
I am distracted as I navigate the streets until we are outside my flat. ‘You can park on that one,’ I point to an empty residents parking space. ‘That one’s mine, I haven’t managed to replace my car yet.’
‘That reminds me, I have something to show you,’ he exits the Range Rover and moves around to open the passenger door. ‘You okay that I come up?’ Nate checks.
I don’t answer, debating the question in my mind.
‘Of course you are okay, this is me, the man you love,’ he replies, cockily. His turn around from gentle, cajoling to downright arrogance causes me to frown over towards him. This gives me nothing but another one-hundred-watt grin that stirs something deep inside of me. After so long of feeling nothing, my body’s natural reaction to Nate unnerves me tremendously.
I find myself being guided to the front door of the building where I absently turn the lock with my key and step inside the foyer.
‘What number?’ He requests, glancing around.
‘Eight,’ I murmur, quietly, my insides squeezing at the knowledge of Nate in my home.
Taking the bunch of keys from my grasp, Nate leads me up the stairs and stops outside the black shiny door that has a brass eight fixed to the front. Using the key, he unlatches the door, that I used to believe required a knack to open, with complete ease, before holding out an arm for me to enter.
‘Nate,’ I begin.
Ignoring me, he switches on a light that illuminates my flat. ‘This is quaint,’ he remarks as he locks the door behind us and wanders aimlessly around the small area. ‘Everything in London is so small,’ he states disappearing into the bedroom to check it out. ‘Cute! But very small,’ he comments.
I am standing, open mouthed at Nate’s confidence as he struts around my home.
‘Make yourself at home, why don’t you?’ I raise an eyebrow.
‘Thanks, I will,’ he moves to the kitchen area and fills and switches on the kettle. ‘Do you have coffee?’
Turning towards me, his expression opens to my response, he couldn’t appear more beautiful. My breath catches in my throat as I remember our journey and all the ways Nate had made me happy. From the early days of our instant attraction, when our bodies desperately craved each other with a need we both swore we had never before experienced, to the Tequila filled nights of dirty, sweaty, glorious loving. My mind recalls the lazy days of Denver, wandering around wrapped in each other’s arms without a care in the world, stopping every now and then to sample each other’s taste imprinting it to memory just in case there came a time where we couldn’t practice it in person. I can almost taste him, feel my body’s response to his as his eyes sharpen to my silence.
‘You okay, baby?’ He tests gently, moving slowly towards me. I jump as he approaches, which jolts me out of my happy place. ‘Sorry,’ he stops, ‘I didn’t mean to spook you,’ his gaze takes on the cautious one of earlier.
‘It’s okay,’ I lift the corner of my lips to a half-smile to convince him of my well-being.
‘Can I hold you?’ Nate whispers, his eyes wary as they await my reply.
‘I’m not really good with being touched, Nate,’ I begin.
‘This is me, Sophie. Have I ever hurt you?’ He murmurs, softly.
‘No, but.’ I begin.
‘I need this, Soph,’ he whispers, his eyes exposing the hurt apparent in his glance.
My stomach curls, I have injured this man more than I know with my dismissal. I nod, my body tensing in preparation of his touch. But, when he steps forward and gently wraps his arms loosely around me, I sigh, melting against the familiarity. My arms wind around his waist and my face turns to lay against his hard chest as the sense of security immediately consumes me. Nate has always made me feel protected. I feel his hand move up into my hair and hold me gently against him, as his lips drop to my head.
‘You smell like home,’ he whispers, his body moulding against mine.
I remain speechless, not knowing what to say. I absorb his strength as I listen to the thudding of his heart inside his chest. He also smells like home, but I don’t have the words to express that no matter what happens, there is no solution to our relationship. I refuse to live in a country where I have so many bad memories, and I know that Nate’s world is in that place.
I don’t know how long we stand like that, motionless, wrapped around each other, each afraid to step away. The kettle stops boiling, I imagine we both notice but neither of us wish to sever the connection. After a considerable amount of time, I speak.
‘I can’t go back there, Nate,’ it’s a whisper, but in the silence of the room it resonates around us.
‘Baby steps,’ he hushes me. ‘Don’t think of the bigger picture, take in the moment. I am here and I love you, let’s just take that in for now.’
I sigh, ‘you are still pretty,’ I confide.
He chuckles, ‘fuck, London, you do nothing for a man’s ego.’
I smile into his chest, he hated when I called him pretty. ‘I’m sorry, Nate,’ I whisper.
I feel his body tense beneath me, ‘what are you sorry for?’
‘Getting you involved in the first place, putting you through all this stress, making me your responsibility.’ Nate is a good man, me being abducted while having a relationship with him, not to mention the fact he was a member of Denver’s law enforcement, gave him little choice but to resolve the case. Maybe that’s what this was, a sense of duty, to ensure my safety.
‘Jesus, Fuck, Sophie. How many times do I have to remind you that I don’t do anything I don’t wanna do? You are my future,’ he steps back an inch so that he can lift my chin to connect our gazes. ‘Why the fuck wouldn’t I get involved? You are my woman, we have babies to plan,’ he reminds me.
‘I can’t go back there,’ I repeat.
‘Then I’ll stay here, we are doing this, no fucking drug dealer is going to take you away from me, dead or alive!’
I tense at his tone, he is pissed. He allows me to pull away from him and step back.
‘You going to let him take even more from us?’ He questions.
I just stare at him, absorbing his words.
‘We disagree, Sophie, it’s what we have always done, but we make up better,’ he states, evidently aware of the reason for my detachment. ‘I will try to be mindful of your feelings and not raise my voice, but know this,’ his sapphire blue eyes light with passion. ‘I will never hurt you!’ He emphasises the words, ‘never!’ He repeats, ‘but that bastard isn’t taking any more of us, if we let him do that, he has won!’
A pain appears in my gut, ‘I don’t know how to stop it,’ I admit.
‘We take one day at a time,’ he suggests, ‘but you have to trust me, baby,’ his voice crackles with emotion and I step back up to him to hold him close. ‘You found another therapist?’
‘No,’ I breath.
‘First thing tomorrow, we find another therapist, Dr. Philips gave you a suggested list?’ He queries.
I nod, ‘yeah, I haven’t got around to it.’
‘It’s important, London. To move forward we have to get rid of that shit,’ he announces.
‘You sound like Dr. Philips,’ I mumble.
‘Yeah, well, we have had a few conversations,’ he admits. I wasn’t aware of that, but the news doesn’t completely surprise me. A lo
t of Dr. Philips and our sessions were taken up talking about Nate, he knew how much he meant to me. ‘He was supposed to notify me of when you left, given me a chance to bring you home.’
‘That wasn’t his fault,’ I defend, ‘I didn’t want anyone to stop me, I needed to be here.’
He nods, ‘with you in my arms, I feel complete, Sophie. All these months I have been distracted, felt off balance, waiting for my life to start.’
I squeeze him tight, ‘I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be, Nate.’
‘I’ll take whatever you offer, just to have you in my arms,’ his hand forks the hair at my nape and gently pulls me up to face him.
I watch as his face softens and his eyes go bright as they flicker over my features. ‘So, fucking beautiful,’ he breathes, dropping his lips to mine. He tests, gently, waiting for me to pull away, but instead I push closer eager to feel his soft, velvety lips against mine.
‘I love you,’ he murmurs against my mouth.
A burning appears in my chest, but I ignore it as I suck in his bottom lip swirling my tongue around the softness. He groans low in his throat deepening the kiss, opening up his mouth and stroking his tongue against the seam of my lips. My body lights, I push wantonly against him as my hand fists his hair and pulls tight causing him to hum in pleasure as our tongues tangle. Luke loved this! As if I had been doused in icy cold water, I step back panting against the memories that flood my mind. Luke fucking me over and over, until I was raw, whipping me with his belt. Worst of all, the fact that I got off on it.
‘Sorry!’ Nate’s gaze becomes regretful as he takes in my distress.
I close my eyes, blotting out the grey eyes that used to taunt me as I cried out in pain.
‘Sophie,’ Nate steps forward but I hold a hand up.
‘It’s okay,’ I tell him, ‘it’s okay.’
‘It’s not, I’m sorry, I know we have to take things slow, I just got carried away,’ he runs an anxious hand through his dark locks. ‘I have a compulsion to touch you.’
‘Don’t apologize, Nate,’ I insist. ‘Really, it’s my fucked up mind playing tricks on me.’
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