Nothing Human

by Nancy Kress

  She said slowly, “You smelled that from me.”

  Silence. Then Pam said, “Yes. You are very intelligent, Lillie.”

  “You can … you and Pete … do you know what everyone is thinking? Just from our pheromones?” She’d learned the word in class. Outrage was gathering in her.

  “Oh, no,” Pam said. “Pheromones tell of emotions, but not thoughts. The sensory molecules that convey images and reasoning … you know you can only receive those, not send them.”

  Which meant Pam and Pete could send them. Of course. They “talked” to each other right in the middle of the Earth kids, and no one else even knew they were communicating. It must be like hearing people talking to each other among a bunch of the deaf.

  She said, “But if you can’t read my thoughts, how do you know I want… what you said? For life to mean something.”

  “It’s hard to answer that,” Pam said thoughtfully. “It’s partly the … taste of your pheromones, combined with which times you answer me or Pete or your friends and the times you don’t … Lillie, I am human, after all. Our culture is much more advanced than yours, much farther along the right way, but not fundamentally different. Five million years ago, we shared ancestors here on Earth.”

  “We did?” The pribir had never said that before! “Yes. We were taken, carried out into space, our evolution accelerated—”

  “How? By who?”

  “We don’t know,” Pam said. “Not any more. Maybe the memories were deliberately buried. Anyway, we were evolved, and taught, and now there are many of us in many forms, spreading ourselves throughout the galaxy. We bring the right way. That’s our purpose. It permeates everything we do, and it gives our lives the kind of meaning you’re talking about. I do understand what you long for, Lillie. It’s the quintessential human longing: to matter to the universe. To believe the universe has a design and you’re part of it.”

  Yes. Lillie couldn’t breathe.

  “We know that we are part of a magnificent design,” Pam continued. “If we didn’t have that, we would disintegrate. We don’t need to strive for anything, not food or travel or health or anything. The right way provides it all. If we didn’t have the right way to strive for, we would be empty. Purposeless. We might do what some other species have done, destroy themselves out of sheer pointlessness. Do you understand what I’m saying, Lillie?”

  The odd thing was, Lillie did. No one else she had ever known had thoughts like these. The religious people believed God had a design for them, but Lillie could find no evidence to believe in God. Her mother’s crazy beliefs had ensured that. The non-religious people just wanted to have a good time, or make a lot of money, or look good, or maybe raise their kids. Then the kids would grow up to raise theirs, on and on, but without any point.

  She said shakily, “I think I understand.”

  “I think you do, too. That’s why I told you. I feel very close to you, Lillie. I think in many ways we’re very alike.”

  But that was too much. Pam was a pribir, she came from another planet or ship or something, she whizzed around the galaxy teaching genetics, she smelled what her husband was thinking … Pam and Lillie were not alike. Abruptly Lillie stood. She couldn’t have said why, but she could not stay sitting down any longer.

  “I know,” came Pam’s voice in the gloom, “it’s a strange thought. We’re also very different, too. I’m not minimizing that. But I’m glad we talked, Lillie.”

  And then Lillie was glad, too. In a complete reversal of her precious sudden revulsion, she saw that Pam was wonderful. That Pam understood her as no one else ever had, that Pam had entrusted her with a great idea which made an unbreakable bond between them. Pam was what Lillie wanted to grow up to be, wise and compassionate and centered in herself, and Pam even smelled wonderful, a sudden rush of scent that intoxicated Lillie …

  “You better go back to your room now, Lillie,” Pam said gently.

  “Yes. But I … you …”

  “Go back to your room,” Pam said, and Lillie went joyfully, making her way through the utter darkness of the common room to the corridor, to her door, to her bed, where she was seized with a tremendous unstoppable desire for sleep.

  In the morning, however, she remembered the entire conversation. She thought about it often, while splicing genes and receiving codon images and walking with Madison and Sajelle. Not while having sex with Mike, though. That remained an undivided experience, consuming her, leaving no room for hesitation or reflection or anything else but itself.

  Some days later, Lillie woke feeling ill. At first she didn’t even recognize the feeling; she hadn’t been sick since coming aboard the Flyer. But now her throat felt scratchy and sore and her head ached. She put her fingers to the sides of her neck, as her mother had done so long ago whenever Lillie complained of sickness. The glands in her throat felt swollen and sore.

  Mike had already left her bed, probably for the showers. Lillie hadn’t heard him go. She swung her feet off the bed and felt the motion ricochet around in her head.

  All at once she wanted Uncle Keith, unthought of for … how long?

  “Lillie? You coming to breakfast?” Sajelle stuck her head in the door. “Mike asking for you.”

  “I don’t… feel so good.”

  Sajelle came into the room. “Oh, girl, you don’t look so good. You going to hurl?”

  “No. I-“

  “I’m getting Pam. Lay right there, baby.”

  Pam hurried in ahead of Sajelle and Madison. Emily peered from the hallway. It was becoming a parade, Lillie thought irritably, and it seemed even the irritation hurt her head.

  Suddenly all she wanted was to go home.

  Pam’s eyes gleamed. “How interesting! Lillie, you must have a … I don’t know the word in English.”

  “A what?” Sajelle demanded. “She got something dangerous?” Madison took a step back from the bed.

  “No, no, of course not,” Pam said. “You can’t get sick on ship. Lillie must have a virus she brought with her, of the kind that can stay dormant inside cells for years and then suddenly go active. But we can deal with that.”

  “How?” demanded Sajelle, ever practical.

  “We’ll need to take her into our … our hospital. Lillie, we’ll give you anesthetic, all right? Nothing will hurt. We’ll just fix you up good.” Pam was proud of the slang she was learning from them.

  “Drugs?” Lillie managed to get out. Her head had never ached like this before. She closed her eyes, but it didn’t help. Very rarely had Lillie gotten sick at all, and then she always threw it off quickly. Good immune system, Uncle Keith always said.

  Uncle Keith …

  When she opened her eyes, a second bed floated beside hers, and the room was full of people.

  “Maglev!” Rafe said, ducking to crawl underneath the floating platform. “Has to be! The floor has superconductors woven into it, right, Pam?”

  “Get out from there, Rafe,” Pete said. “The floater isn’t important. It’s not the right way, just a necessary machine. Just relax, Lillie.”

  “Mike?”

  “He’s still at breakfast,” Madison said. “You want me to go get him?”

  Answering was too much effort. Pete easily lifted Lillie from her bed to the platform. Somewhere behind her headache and wheezy breathing, Lillie was glad she was dressed. The platform floated out of the room, Pam and Pete on either side, the others trailing behind in concern or excitement.

  “Go eat breakfast,” Pam told them irritably.

  “Do we still have school?” somebody called.

  ‘Yes! Of course!”

  The platform floated Lillie through commons, through the garden, to a far wall. Lillie made herself turn her head to look. The wall was closed seamless metal … until Pam touched it. It began to open.

  Pam said something sharply to Pete in a language Lillie had never heard. He answered impatiently, “Not outside here!” Lillie floated through the wall.

  She scanned everythin
g, ignoring pain, knowing she would have only a few seconds. Sure enough, the drowsiness struck and she was asleep.

  But not before she’d seen a totally alien place, and a monster flowing toward her.

  CHAPTER 11

  She woke in her own room, Sajelle and Pam beside her. She felt wonderful.

  “Hey, baby, you awake?” Sajelle said fondly.

  “Yes.” Lillie sat up. There was no weakness, no grogginess. She felt she could run a marathon. “What was it?”

  “A virus,” Pam said warmly. “Acquired, latent until now. We haven’t seen it before. We added it to the genetics library.”

  “You’re a library all by yourself,” Sajelle said, grinning.

  Madison breezed into the room with a huge bunch of yellow and pink flowers. “Lillie! You were right, Pam, she woke up just when you said. These are for you, fresh from the garden.”

  Lillie took the flowers. They smelled incredibly sweet.

  “Mixed the genes myself,” Madison said proudly.

  Rafe and Jason entered hesitantly. Pam, Lillie noticed, scowled briefly at Rafe, then replaced the scowl with a pleasant smile. Jason said, “The princess awakes!” He made a low sweeping caricature of a bow.

  Rafe said, “You okay, Lillie?”

  “I’m fine.” She swung her feet off the bed. Her body felt bursting with health. “Where’s Mike?” Suddenly nobody looked at her.

  A tiny cold chill hit Lillie’s spine. “Where’s Mike? Is he sick, too? Did I give him my disease?”

  “Oh, no, Mike’s fine,” Madison said, still not looking at her.

  Jason said, “He’s still in the showers. He was going in when I was coming out.”

  From Sajelle: “You’ll see him in class. Right after breakfast.”

  Breakfast? Lillie said, “But… but you were all going into breakfast when I went into the hospital.” A memory tugged at her, something strange and monstrous … it was gone. “Pam, did you cure me that fast?”

  Pam laughed. Madison said, “She doesn’t realize! Lillie, you’ve been gone ten days!”

  Ten days.

  Pam saw her face. “It’s all right, Lillie,” she said reassuringly. “It just took that long to remove every trace of the virus from your body. But you’re fine.”

  Madison added, “And Emily’s going to help you catch up on what you missed in class.”

  Ten days.

  Lillie said slowly, “I’d like a shower, too. Before breakfast.”

  Pam laughed again. “Lillie, we returned you perfectly clean!”

  “I’d like one anyway. Sajelle, you, too?” She caught and held Sajelle’s eye.

  Sajelle understood. “That’s where I was going. I’m grubby as hell.”

  “Well, be quick,” Pam said. “Class starts soon. Lillie, we’re so glad to have you back.”

  She left, trailed by everyone except Sajelle. It seemed to Lillie that they were all very eager to leave.

  She and Sajelle walked to the showers, undressed, stuffed their clothing into the instant-cleaning slot. Lillie turned on the water hard and said quietly to Sajelle, “What’s going on?”

  Sajelle said uncomfortably, “Nothing going on.”

  “Sajelle, please. I need to know.”

  Sajelle scrubbed herself vigorously, her eyes fixed on a spot on the wall. “You been gone ten days, Lillie. Every day Pam and Pete say you doing fine. And you sure look fine now. But while you gone …”

  “What?”

  “You going to know anyway, I guess,” Sajelle said resignedly. “Mike took up with Sophie. They sleeping together.”

  Such a sharp pain went through her that Lillie was astonished. It actually felt like a physical piercing.

  Sajelle said, “I’m sorry, baby. He’s just no good.”

  Lillie said mechanically, “Yes, he is.” And then, in anguish, “He couldn’t wait for me?”

  “Guess not. Aw, Lillie, don’t cry.”

  “I’m not crying.” And she wasn’t. She didn’t feel at all close to tears. Just that sharp, breath-stealing pain in her chest.

  Sajelle said, with a transparent effort to distract here, “What did you see in the pribir hospital?”

  “Nothing.” Only there was a memory, a glimpse of … gone.”

  “You out the whole time, then?”

  “Yes.”

  “We’re glad to have you back, girl.”

  “Yes.”

  Sajelle shut off the water. “Come on, Lillie. Let’s go. You need to eat. He isn’t worth it, baby. Get dressed.”

  Lillie couldn’t eat. She put a few spoonfuls of food into her mouth, but the action was as mechanical as dressing had been. She followed Sajelle to class, let Sajelle seat her at a table with herself, Alex, and Bonnie. They were all self-consciously enthusiastic about her return.

  At a far table, Mike held hands with Sophie.

  It doesn’t stop, Lillie marveled. The pain in her chest didn’t lessen or increase, it just went on at the same level, swamping everything else. In class Lillie couldn’t handle any of the equipment. She just sat, hands folded in her lap, while the images Pete was smelling to them formed, unheeded, in her mind. Pam frowned at her in concern.

  It went on the same all day. Every once in a while Lillie thought, I’m still breathing. It was an abstract thought, without force. Mike didn’t care if she was breathing or not. So neither did she.

  After dinner she went to her room instead of to the garden with the others. She sat on the edge of her bed with her hands folded in her lap, staring at nothing. Sajelle and Rebecca came in.

  Rebecca said, “Lillie, you have to stop this.”

  Sajelle snapped, “You ever had your heart broke, Becky? I don’t think so.”

  “But look at her! Lillie, you’re not… you’re barely …”

  Yes, Lillie thought, but said nothing.

  Rebecca started to chatter desperately. “Well, at least let me tell you what’s been going on while you were gone, Lillie. You won’t believe it! Jason—you know he tomcats around, in a different bed every night, thinks he’s God’s gift to girls not in couples …” She stopped, looking stricken.

  “Rebecca, you’re a fool!” Sajelle said angrily.

  Lillie managed, “What about Jason?” It came out a croak.

  Rebecca threw Sajelle a look of triumph. “Well! Guess who Jason finally reached in his sex tour? Elizabeth!”

  Even Lillie blinked. “Elizabeth?”

  “Yes! Rebecca saw him coming out of her room one morning, real early, and Jason just winked and did a cartwheel in the hall!”

  Lillie said slowly, “Is Elizabeth okay?”

  “Okay? It was probably the best thing that ever happened to that uptight bitch!”

  Lillie thought about that. “No. Not Elizabeth. She thinks it’s wrong.”

  “Well, then why did she do it?” Rebecca demanded logically. “And anyway, she doesn’t act like she thinks it was wrong. She just goes about her usual praying and whatever.”

  Lillie fumbled toward a thought. Elizabeth couldn’t just be ignoring her sex with Jason … if she’d actually had sex with Jason. Elizabeth had too much rooted in her too deeply. If Elizabeth was acting like nothing happened, it must be because … because …

  She couldn’t capture the thought. The pain over Mike’s betrayal washed over her again, stronger than before, and almost she cried out.

  Rebecca went on prattling. “And Rafe—you won’t fucking believe what Rafe did. Oh, here’s Emily, she can explain it better than I can, the brain. Em! Tell Lillie what Rafe did!”

  Emily entered shyly, smiling at Lillie. “Rafe. You know how he’s been fascinated with the lawn-care machine, Lillie. Well, he snuck into the garden at night—the garden door isn’t locked, did you know that? He caught the machine and opened it by force. He says it wasn’t built out of very strong metal at all, just flimsy stuff.”

  Sajelle put in shrewdly, “Nobody never expected anyone to try to take it apart.”

  “Tha
t’s right,” Emily continued. “But Rafe did. And he says there’s no machinery inside, just a mass of living tissue! A blob. He figures that it’s a genetically engineered organism created to exude exactly what the lawn needs, the chemicals for it to grow plus water chemically extracted from the air. Anyway, the machine also exudes other microorganisms that eat the grass down to a certain length before they die themselves. Mowing it, sort of.”

  Lillie tried to pay attention to what Emily was saying. It was hard. All she could think of was Mike. Mike with Sophie. Mike with her. He’d said, he’d promised …

  “But more than that,” Emily said. “Rafe has a theory. He thinks that nearly everything aboard the Flyer may be organic, genetically engineered. Not the walls, maybe — “

  A wall opening, where there was no door … the image slipped away.

  Mike with Sophie. Mike with her. He’d said, he’d promised …

  “—but everything except the walls and some sort of ship’s drive. Rafe thinks our food is just genetically engineered molecules to match our taste buds and nutritional needs, not real veggies or pie or whatever—”

  “Sam almost slugged Rafe for that one,” Sajelle said.

  “Rafe thinks that our clothes are cleaned by organic molecules, the beds and chairs are living tissue, the gene splicers and other lab equipment all work by DNA computer, the — “

  Sajelle said, “What’s that smell?”

  “I don’t smell anything,” Emily said. “Rafe also says that genetically engineered molecules in the air might smell to us not only the images in the classroom, but other ideas, too. It’s an interesting theory, I think, given Pam’s constant emphasis on ‘the right way,’ but I’d want to modify it be — “

  Lillie wasn’t listening. The pain over Mike was gone.

  In fact, it had been really stupid of her to get so upset in the first place. Sajelle was right: Mike wasn’t worth it. She’d thought he was a nice guy, but a really nice guy would have waited ten days for a girl he said he loved, instead of starting to sleep with somebody else. That was an unpleasant truth —in fact, she hated it—but it was a truth nonetheless. She wouldn’t have behaved like that to him. He didn’t deserve her.