Mania and the Executioner

by A. L. Bridges

  “Cheza, I swear that this is the only instance where a man will be able to give me an erection.” I think to her as I make it go away.

  I silently walk back into the chamber; I really want to raise my arms above my head and shout to the crowd ‘ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?’ with a British accent, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure the movie/show that that is from is about gladiators in Rome…I think Russell Crowe says that. I walk over to the showers and hose the blood off of me so I can see what I’m doing with the bullets.

  “Alright Airi, what can I do about the bullets?”

  (Only one bullet is in your actual stomach so the method from Hawaii isn’t going to work here. Short of eviscerating yourself, there is nothing that you can do)

  “Well how urgent is it for me to remove them?”

  (It isn’t essential)

  I start getting dressed when the door opens.

  “That was rather impressive young man; I’d expect no less from The Executioner of The Faction.” I hear Pinga say behind me.

  “How do you know who I am?” I ask, slightly on edge.

  “I’m the Inuit pantheon’s representative in The Faction and my granddaughter has mentioned you a few times.” Pinga replies.

  I turn around and get my first real look at her. Pinga is a fit Inuit woman with sharp features and stunning green, almond-shaped eyes who appears to be in her early forties. Instead of wearing a traditional Inuit parka, she is wearing a tight fitting white ski jacket with a fur lined hood and matching tight white pants.

  “Granddaughter?” I ask.

  “Hey Cole! How’s your stom…oh, hi grandma!” Natasha says while barging in with Cheza behind her.

  “Why am I not surprised?” I ask rhetorically as Pinga starts to speak.

  “Oh, hello dear, we were just speaking of you. I came down to see if I couldn’t get those bullets out of your fiancé, whom I approve of much more than that butt stallion your asshole of a grandfather decided you were marrying.” Pinga says. I take it that she and Jorgen are no longer together.

  “Pinga, there seems to be a misunderstanding. I’m already engaged. I was fighting because Natasha is my friend and I didn’t want her to be forced to marry that asshole.” I explain.

  “Well you can marry her too, if you wish; you did just win the right to after all. The Inuit people have always been rather open towards polygamy. I would love to have you as my grandson, and not just because it would seriously piss off my ex haha!” Pinga informs me.

  “I’ll talk to Natasha about that later. As for the bullets, I’d rather you focus on getting everybody’s limbs attached first.” I tell her.

  “Alright, if you insist, and I’ll be the one training your fiancée so don’t worry about talking to Jorgen; he’s probably all pissy right now anyway.” Pinga says as she walks through the hall leading to The Cage.

  “Cole…” Cheza says quietly with concern in her eyes.

  “I’m alright Cheza. Airi says that it isn’t essential for me to remove them.” I inform her.

  “Let’s head to my room so we can talk.” Natasha says.

  We follow her through the maze of corridors until she opens a door that leads into a large circular room that is around thirty feet in diameter. Natasha’s bedroom is all stone with a large fur rug that must be polar bear. The room has a large four-poster bed (that almost looks Elizabethan), a leather couch, a dresser, a desk, and a 40” flat screen. To the left is a door that I assume leads to a bathroom, and to the right is an archway that I think leads to a closet.

  “Cheza, why did you say I was ‘having all of the fun’?” I question.

  “Don’t worry Cole; it was just a figure of speech.” Cheza explains, but I’m not positive that I believe her.

  “Okay…as for this engagement business, what are your thoughts on it Natasha?” I inquire.

  “Well, honestly…I wouldn’t mind getting married because it would really only be a marriage in the snow elf society and it would keep my grandfather from being able to marry me off to some other douchebag.” Natasha replies.

  “I’m fine with it Cole…as long as we get married for the rest of the societies.” Cheza says.

  “*Gasp* you know what we should do? We should have a double wedding!…for the snow elf one that is.” Natasha excitedly says to Cheza.

  “That sounds like a great idea! What does a snow elf/Intuit wedding entail?” Cheza asks Natasha.

  “Well it is basically the same thing as a normal wedding, except the vows are expedited and usually done by Pinga. You’re lucky she isn’t here right now because she would tell you that we would have to beat the crap out of Cole while he tried to kidnap us haha! She can be a bit traditional at times.” Natasha informs Cheza.

  “Wait so I’m just marrying Natasha now? Don’t I have a say in it?” I ask. Both of the girls look at me, then at each other, then back at me, scoff, and say “No,” like I just asked a really stupid question.

  “Fine…just letting you guys know that I’m not into the whole ‘couples’ orgy’ thing even if it is to commune with the dead; as if I’d need to talk to Jason while I was having sex, it was weird enough when he did it…” I say recalling something I read about a ritualistic orgy or something that the Inuit of Greenland used to do that white people ruined by affectionately calling it ‘the whore game.’

  “If he wanted to know if we had any more maple syrup, the least he could have done was to stop plowing the broad while he asked! Anyway, I’m porting home to have Sara dig these bullets out of me while you two plan for the wedding. I do have one requirement though: since it is a snow elf wedding, I’m assuming that an ice cream wedding cake is perfectly acceptable.” I say before I port into the front yard of the house.

  “Yeah right! Like we’re going to have an ice cream wedding cake!” Natasha says in my image that Cheza is sending me.

  “I know right!? Cole can be so stupid sometimes!” Cheza exclaims as both the girls laugh.

  I pull out my phone and I dial Natasha’s number. I hear her phone start to ring in the image.

  “Hello?” Natasha answers confused.

  “FINE! THEN I’LL JUST PICK UP MY OWN DAMN ICE CREAM CAKE! *Click*” I scream into my phone and hang up.

  “Thank you Airi.”

  (‘Twas my pleasure, Master)

  Chapter 34: Smoke Bombs Required for Entry…or Exit

  I walk in the front door of the house.

  “Cole? What are you doing home?” Sara asks.

  “Hey Sara, are you busy right now?” I ask.

  “Not particularly, why?” Sara replies.

  “I have five bullets in my stomach that need to be removed.” I explain.

  “When did you get shot!?” Sara asks concerned.

  “About thirty minutes ago.” I tell her.

  “Cole, how did you get here in less than thirty minutes? And where are the girls?” Tia asks while coming from her room.

  “They’re still in Greenland at that place you told me to take Cheza to. It turns out that Natasha is also part snow elf along with being Pinga’s granddaughter. As for your second question, I ported. I discovered I could on Saturday when I ported to Peru to catch a chinchilla for Lila.” I explain.

  “What!? How can you port anywhere besides to Tir na nOg?” Tia asks.

  “I don’t know, but I can port inside Tir na nOg as well and I can manipulate things like clothing while in Tir na nOg. That’s why Dagda named me a member of the Tuatha De Danann at Lila’s party.” I say. Tia and Sara just stare at me, wide eyed and jaws agape.

  “Oh yeah, I guess you guys didn’t know about that part yet either…” I say.

  “Well Cole, let’s go get those bullets out of you.” Sara says after she recovers. I follow her into the underground clinic, take off my shirt, and I hop onto the table.

  “Airi, I need you to stop healing, block Cheza, render me unconscious and restart healing once Sara is finished.”

  (Yes, Master)

  …
>
  I wake up in my bed a few hours later. I walk out into the living room where Tia and Sara are watching TV. I sit down on the couch as Sara turns the TV off.

  “Cole, tell us what happened in Greenland.” Sara says.

  I run through the events while glossing over the kinky sex parts.

  “So I jumped in front of the gun and had the mag unloaded into my stomach. In response, I chopped his arm off in slices until he passed out and then I dripped some blood down his throat. I moved my blood into his stomach, woke him up, transmuted my blood into nitroglycerine, and made his stomach explode outward.” I recall.

  “LIKE FUCKING ALIEN!? THAT IS SO BADASS!” Tia shouts.

  “YEAH!…Ahem, so anyway, now I’m engaged to Natasha too so I ported back here while the girls were planning for our three person snow elf wedding.” I finish.

  “Well this is certainly an interesting turn of events…” Sara says.

  “I know…now I have to go make Natasha a ring. What elements can be used to make a green pigment?” I ask.

  “Well, in emeralds the element chromium is what gives them a green pigment.” Sara replies.

  “Is chromium found in the body?” I ask.

  “Yes, trace amounts of chromium are needed for regulating blood sugar.” Sara answers.

  “Perfect. What can turn a clear gem blue?” I inquire.

  “There isn’t an element in the human body that can turn something blue. Corundum is what makes sapphires blue but it is an aluminum oxide mineral.” Sara explains.

  “What’s the chemical formula for corundum?” I ask.

  “…I can’t remember! Google it!” Sara replies; I always enjoy these moments when I’m reminded that Sara doesn’t know everything off the top of her head and the panic that ensues.

  “Alright. Thanks for all the help Sara! I’m going to go drain a bunch of my blood to make rings for the girls.” I say as I walk back into my room.

  “Oh, Cole? While you’re back there, can you make some more silicon carbide discs? I need more for this project that I’m working on.” Sara requests.

  “Sure, how many do you need?” I ask.

  “Around twelve hundred.” Sara replies as my jaw drops. What is she making, a twenty foot tall robot?

  “Yeah, I guess I can do that…” I respond as I walk into my room.

  I’m glad that I’ve been too lazy to put the cooler back in the garage. I take my laptop and the cooler over to my bed. I slice open my left wrist with my ring; damn these things are useful! I quickly Google corundum and discover that the formula is Al2O3 and that sapphires are actually corundum with iron or titanium impurities, both of which can be found in blood, although titanium isn’t common.

  “Alright Airi, you know the drill: half liter in five minute bursts until I have what I need. How much is this project going to need anyway?”

  (For what you have in mind, 10.1 Liters)

  “Alright, I guess I’ll just do some research for the hour and a half this will take.”

  I start researching different explosives; the incident with Akhlut gave me the idea that I may be able to make some sort of grenade. I can’t use nitroglycerine because it’s too unstable and it will be more likely to explode and kill me than it will be to actually be a useful weapon. I start my search with explosives like RDX (C-4) and that leads me to an explosive called HMX, which is used as a trigger for nuclear weapons as well as missiles. This leads me to an experimental explosive that is insanely powerful, but difficult to synthesize called Octanitrocubane or ONC; thankfully I don’t need to worry about the synthesis problem because I can just rearrange atoms in my blood with complete disregard to the laws of chemistry!

  ONC requires a lot of nitrogen, but it requires fewer components and is more powerful than HMX so it will be perfect. Now I need to research a much less stable compound to detonate the ONC. I find a Wikipedia page called ‘contact explosives’ and I look for the ones with extreme sensitivity. I find one that is perfect: nitrogen triiodide. Nitrogen triiodide is so shock sensitive that it can be detonated by a feather, an air current, and even sunlight. There is another one called chlorine azide that would work, but it requires three times more nitrogen atoms so nitrogen triiodide will be my best bet.

  (The draining is complete)

  “Thank you Airi. Can you make the rings? I am once again leaving this to your artistic discretion.”

  (Certainly)

  I stick my hand in the blood and allow Airi to do her thing. For grenades, I think the best thing I could do is to form the ONC in some kind of glass container and then put some of my blood on top of it. When I throw the container, I’ll transmute the blood into nitrogen triiodide while it’s in midair so it will explode on impact with the ground. I continue researching while Airi constructs the rings and I come across another high explosive called Octaazacubane. This explosive has a theoretical blast speed that is 1.5 times that of ONC, but it is considered a primary explosive, meaning that it can be detonated without a secondary explosive, so it isn’t exactly something that is safe to carry around with me.

  (They are finished)

  Airi says about an hour later. I look down and I see two rings floating in the center of the whirlpool of blood. One is a clear silicon carbide band with a medium sized green diamond; the second is much more ornate. Cheza’s ring is a silver band with a large ice blue diamond that is shaped like a five petal lotus.

  “Airi, how do you make my blood silver?”

  (…)

  “Well, thank you for making these; you did an amazing job! And this inscription on Cheza’s ring is perfect too!”

  (You are welcome)

  I carry the cooler over to my shower and pour the blood/waste down the drain.

  “Alright, now I need twelve liters for the discs.”

  I hold my arm over the cooler and Airi starts the intermittent drawing. I’ve gotten all the relevant information that I can so I start researching nuclear weapons for the hell of it. After I read about how a hydrogen bomb works by fusing two hydrogen isotopes together using immense amounts of pressure, I come up with a hypothesis as to how that Aztec warrior exploded; by creating a hydrogen bomb inside his body.

  (Complete)

  I look down and see the cooler is now filled with silicon carbide discs. I pick up the cooler and leave my room. I walk out into the living room where Tia and Sara are still watching TV, and I carry the cooler into Sara’s room before heading back to the living room.

  “Hey, did anyone tell Dagda that I’m in Greenland?” I ask.

  “Yeah, he came by with Lila this morning, wondering where you’ve been. I told him about your assignment to get Cheza trained. He also mentioned that at the party he was happy to see that you weren’t ‘as thick as a bull’s walt’ when it comes to Chezarei anymore.” Tia replies.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I inquire.

  “I’m not too sure, but considering that thick can mean dense, I’m pretty sure he meant that he was glad to see that you were responding to Chezarei’s obvious signs of affection.” Sara replies.

  “Okaaay…so long as he knows that I’m not just slacking off. I may port to Tir na nOg and get some training in while Cheza is doing hers. I should probably head back now so the girls don’t worry; Bye!” I reply.

  “Bye Cole! Be safe!” Tia and Sara say as I touch my triskele.

  I port back to Natasha’s room only to find that all the lights are off and the girls are no longer here. I exit the room and start wandering around the halls. People are giving me as much space as possible, which is completely understandable considering what I did a few hours ago. About half of an hour later, I am completely lost and wind up in this giant room that seems to be a playground. There are some kids playing soccer and there is a swing set and a jungle gym. I see four boys near the jungle gym who appear to be picking on a small Inuit boy, who is on the ground crying. I start walking towards them.

  “Hey! What are you guys doing!?” I shout once I’m close
enough. The four boys turn around; two seem to recognize me because their eyes go wide.

  “None of your business asshole!” One of the other two replies.

  “That’s true, but I’m deciding to make it my business.” I tell them.

  “Fuck off!” the boy says angrily. I narrow my eyes at him.

  “Leave.” I order in a very stern tone. The two that recognize me take off.

  “You can’t tell me what to do!” the boy says. I engage my helmet for extra effect.

  “I said leave.” I say again sternly with my creepy overlapping voice.

  This gets an effect out of the little asshole. He goes into shock, starts crying, and runs off with the other boy following; I’m pretty sure one of them pissed themselves. It seems that the kids that were playing soccer have also made themselves scarce. I disengage the helmet and walk over to the little boy that’s on the ground.

  “Are you alright?” I ask while holding out my hand to help him up.

  “Yeah…thank you.” The little boy says as I help him to his feet.

  “Why were they bullying you?” I ask.

  “My cousin and his stupid friends do that and nobody ever stops them because he is a part of the head family…” the little boy says quietly.

  “Head family?” I ask.

  “Yeah, how do you not know about the head family? Aren’t you the one marrying my sister?” the boy asks.

  “HEY DIPSHIT! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING PICKING ON MY LITTLE BROTHER!?” A large blonde man, who is around my age, yells while storming toward me. The little asshole from before is walking beside him with a smug smile on his face and stained pants. I applaud that little asshole for being able to look smug after pissing himself; I sure as shit wouldn’t be able to.

  “Are you referring to me stopping him and his friends from continuing to bully this boy? Perhaps you should get all of the facts before you go accusing people, you dipshit.” I tell him while moving to the right, away from the boy, in case things get confrontational.

  “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?” He shouts from fifteen feet away.

  “Wow…with a role model like you, I see how he turned out to be such a little asshole.” I reply.