Unquenched

by Dakelle, Jorie

  "Jordan, I'm not sure I want to go to The Cape only four days after I get home. It's such a long trip and I've been away for a while. I'd love a few days to settle in. If I don't go, will that upset you a lot? I really don't want to let you down."

  I felt sick inside knowing that I wasn't telling the whole truth yet realized that my absence over Christmas would hurt him all the same.

  He looked very disappointed but looked at me and said, "Whatever you do, don't do it for me, do it for you."

  He was angry, I could tell. But I also knew that he meant what he said. But it didn't help. I couldn't tell him that if I went, I would be going for him. And if it was for him, was I really doing him a favor by making a physical appearance, a statement, and not really wanting to be there? Why were all my feelings suddenly so clear? How did we ever plan the trip we were on with so much uncertainty? We talked about it some more as I felt his pain, and I knew that he knew, I had doubts. I wasn't quite sure how the discussion would end, but then, unexpectedly, the phone rang.

  Jordan had answered the phone and I saw his face smile. I knew it was an effort for him to act happy but the timing of Tristan's call couldn't have been better. Our conversation had been going in circles and it was clear that my feelings for him had changed. Jordan was ready to marry me and although I was ready for marriage, Jordan just wasn't the one.

  Jordan put his hand over the mouth of the phone so as not to let Tristan hear. He told me that they had a group together and were inviting us to go with them. I gave Jordan a blank look, fatigued from our conversation, and no longer ready to face what I knew I would if we joined them.

  Frustrated by our recent exchange, Jordan took control and said, "Let's just go." My expression said fine, and Jordan relayed as much to Tristan. Jordan hung up the phone and said to me, "We made up to meet at a restaurant in half an hour.”

  My adrenaline was racing despite the fact that only minutes before I had been ambivalent about going. I needed to think about what I would wear. I wanted to look good. Simple, but good. At least I had showered, that was a start. The weather was warm and humid, so shorts seemed appropriate. I threw on a pair of black cotton ones and looked through my backpack for a shirt. My choices were limited but I went through them anyway to look for the perfect one. So I looked at the red one and decided, too loud. Then at the white one, but it was not clean. Then I found the black one. Yes, the black one, maybe that would do it. It had long sleeves with a deep V-neck and the shoulders fell slightly to the side. It was a loose cotton T-shirt but the sleeves completed it and somehow made it look sexy. I put on a belt with a big silver buckle to break up the black just a little. But it still needed something more. I wanted to look natural, maybe even a little bohemian, but pretty and charming all the same. Earrings would do it. Silver dangling earrings that I had just bought that day. Those would be perfect. I glanced at the mirror and took a quick look, but no, I was not done yet. My hair. It was hanging wild and free but it needed a clip to just take some of it off of my face. Yes, that was better. And make-up. My face already had a nice natural tan so I needed very little to bring it to life. Open sandals would finish it off nicely and I would be comfortable if we went for a walk.

  Maybe in some ways it was better that Jordan and I had spoken. I wasn't as focused on Tristan as I might have been if we hadn't, and for me, that had clearly been healthier. But it was more than that. I felt that I had taken the first step toward letting Jordan know how I really felt, and for that, I was somewhat relieved. The attempts between the guys to contact each other had also taken some of the pressure off me. I could hide behind their relationship and keep a low profile, if that's what I wanted to do. My efforts toward Tristan would be subtle, and hopefully, only he would know what I was thinking.

  We arrived at the restaurant exactly on time and as we got out of the cab, I saw Tristan's face. The doors to the restaurant were open and they were sitting at a long table. Seven of them. I looked around the table wondering who all of the people were and wanting to know which one was Courtney. Tristan jumped up immediately when he saw us, and greeted us very warmly. He introduced us to everyone in the group and as he did, I detected accents from all different parts of the world. So, Courtney was English.

  The seating at the table was ironic. Tristan seated me in the empty seat next to him, and Jordan was placed on my other side. This time I was in the middle as I created a mental picture and exaggerated it in my mind. There had been something safe about the seating in the van, but I knew, that too, was only in my mind.

  Sitting around the table was a twosome from Austria, yet I was never quite sure of their situation. It didn't matter, they were both nice and seemed exceptionally friendly. There were two more from Germany, a guy and girl, who also just met but seemed intimate. Then there was Courtney, and she was from England but had been living in Germany for the past eight years. And then there was a guy from South Africa whose accent was not difficult to detect. Everyone spoke English well and Jordan and I appreciated the fact that they used it for us. They were an attractive bunch and all appeared to be about the age of thirty.

  As conversation took place, one of my questions had immediately been answered. I realized that the seven at the table had recently met at the hotel where they were all staying. My brain had been working hard, trying to sort out the details I so desperately wanted to know. That meant that the other woman that had been seen with Tristan was only someone that he had just met. If that was true I felt better. Hopefully, that meant that he was not seriously involved with her either. By either, it meant that I believed it was really over with Courtney. But it also meant one more thing. And, it was important. I didn't know why, but it was. It meant that he had not omitted any information and that he had been honest with me whether he owed it to me or not.

  My heart was beating fast but my demeanor did not show it. I was withdrawn and shy and only spoke when I was spoken to. I felt trapped between the two of them, this time literally. When I spoke to Tristan I wondered what Jordan was thinking. I feared that he could read me and I didn't want to betray him. It was easier not to initiate and just take a back seat. But my self-imposed limitations also affected my interaction with Jordan. I distanced myself from him too, in fear of what Tristan might see. I pretended. Pretended that a closeness wasn't there. Between Jordan and me. I didn't promote us or respond to his affectionate needs. I felt his hand again on my knee and I couldn't return the gesture. At least this time, it had been under the table. I wondered if he felt that I was acting strange. But I didn't want Tristan to think that there was more between Jordan and me than there was. Or really, more than there was going to be. It wasn't fair but I knew it was already beyond my control. I must have been kidding when I thought that I could hide behind the two of them. They had barely said a word to each other. Maybe it was the seating. Who knew. But overall, the table had interacted nicely as a whole. It was me who had dissected every word, every glance. But I knew I wasn't alone. Tristan was right there with me.

  We drank. Everyone drank. The Indonesian beer made our heads feel light and the laughter between us was natural. We took turns sharing stories of our vacation events. Everyone shared something both comical and amusing. In one way or another we could all relate to the next one's adventure. It was a colorful land with beauty and depth, but far from home for us all. I hadn't expected the story Jordan shared and it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. He embellished our experience of bargaining with prices and how it had amounted to pennies. It was, in fact, a very funny story, but it was the part that he emphasized that was the problem. He spoke mostly of the gift, the one that we bought, but the gift was actually from me. It was a very expensive present that I was buying for him and had planned to give him for Christmas. The cost wasn't an issue or the bargaining itself, it was the reason he told it that disturbed me. It was the fact that he had made it so clear to everyone that I was buying him something significant. He had blatantly and clearly publicized our relationship and I kne
w he had a need to do it. That story had cost me a lot. I knew that it had cost us all.

  My state of inertia could only last so long as it just wasn't like me to be passive. The beer had kicked in and had finally overridden my unnatural inhibitions. Tristan wasn't making it any easier for me either. His assessment of Jordan and I was hard to determine but he was flirtatious, nonetheless. He laughed with me and challenged me, as his energies were directed toward me as well. I couldn't ignore the opportunity to respond to his wonderful playful banter. Everything he said required my participation. My attention. It was exciting and so real. So I came alive and I joined him. I couldn't fight it anymore. We were still in sync. We had picked up right where we had left off. From several days ago, and probably from several lives ago. If there was such a thing. The connection was just so deep. It was almost hard to believe.

  It was only twelve midnight but the restaurant was closing. Three in the group were eager to sleep but the others still wanted to have fun. My heart said one thing and my head said another so I let Jordan decide for us both. We had made new friends, our vacation was ending, but he wanted to go out, so I went.

  We walked to a bar about ten blocks away that someone in the group had known about. There were six of us left as we broke into twos, for the journey from one place to the next. I walked with Tristan, as he made it happen, and I saw Jordan up ahead with Courtney. We talked about life, and life in New York, and the fact that he would be there in two weeks. It was comfortable yet strange, yet strange all the same that we were so uninhibited and comfortable. As I glanced up ahead I saw Jordan all alone as he looked back several times to check on me. Courtney had left him to walk with her friends. Already I had something against her. My pace quickened to save him, from me and from her, or from just feeling alone and rejected.

  The bar was quite trendy, young and diverse. There were people from all over the world. As we waited for a table, Jordan stepped away, I assumed to go to the men's room. Tristan and I stood together again, but this time, at a loss for words. It was all so intricate. Complicated. Involved. What ever happened to boy meets girl? This certainly was not it. And still, I had not heard him. The words from his mind. His thoughts. To confirm my suspicions and make certain they were real. I needed to talk to him. Hear him. And maybe one day, touch him. But for now all we had were the looks that we shared.

  Jordan returned and despite the large crowd, we had been lucky and were immediately seated. It was a comfortable setting with couches and chairs, not conventional and staid like some others. It was more like a living room, with coffee tables and candles, which made it quite cozy and warm. The chairs were arranged in a small circle fashion, everyone facing the middle. To my left was Courtney. I would finally have the chance to speak to her. Jordan was to my right and Tristan to his. Between Tristan and Courtney were our other two friends and that completed the circle. We ordered drinks and drank some more but the mood had definitely changed. Everyone seemed melancholy, tired, or spent, and the conversation seemed more severe.

  I spoke with Courtney, feeling indifferent, yet needed to converse with her despite it. She hadn't particularly impressed me, but then again, that wasn't entirely true. She was attractive and blond and had a cute little face but still had a regular look. She was hard to read. She kept everything at the surface and didn't let you in. I had no idea who she was. But I did learn one thing. Something very important. She did not have any lingering romantic feelings for Tristan. From a few things she had said over the course of the night it was clear to me who had ended their relationship. She had abused him in jest, in front of the group, but it was her body language that I read. I wondered if he had been badly hurt. But knowing they were friends set my mind at ease as he had said that he no longer cared. Maybe she couldn't see what I was feeling. And even if she could, she didn't care. A weight had been lifted from me knowing I could just be me. We spoke for a while sharing pieces of our lives, but with her, there was no connection.

  I felt Tristan's eyes upon me. He had been talking to Jordan while I was with Courtney. They appeared to be enjoying each other and I realized then, that Tristan was only making it harder on himself. If I read him right, he truly liked Jordan. Tristan's feelings for me, had come with a price, if he did not want to betray him.

  The guy from South Africa had been talking about politics. Then about the Apartheid. Then he moved on to religion. It led to discussion about the Christmas holidays and how we would all be celebrating. I took a deep breath as I cringed inside and Tristan noticed my sigh. Questions were written all over his face and I desperately wanted to answer them. I felt angry at the world. Jordan had begun to explain our plans ignoring our conversation from before. I didn't fault him for doing it; I knew it had just been easier. I probably would have done the same. But I was angry nonetheless. Angry at me for the situation we were in. Angry for not having dealt with it earlier. For not having faced the truth. I listened as he continued. I couldn't just sit there. I was bursting at the seams. I felt rebellious. I needed to do something radical. Make everyone feel uncomfortable. The way that I was feeling. I had been quiet all evening and I needed to make a statement. Needed to let them see something about me. Something real. I couldn't keep up the masquerade. I needed to take off the mask. I waited for Jordan to take a natural break and then I decided to cut in.

  "I don't celebrate Christmas."

  As I looked around the group, I realized I was probably the only one that didn't. In fact, I was sure. But I didn't care. At that moment, I wanted to be different. I wanted to be an outcast; it suited the way that I felt. It was as if I was punishing myself. Maybe I was.

  I continued by saying, "I mean I don't celebrate it on my own but am happy to share it with other people. It is just not part of my religion. I'm Jewish."

  I wanted to believe that I had silenced the room but I wasn't quite sure what they were thinking. It was almost as if I were testing them as I began to talk about Hanukah.

  "I celebrate Hanukah, and this year it falls in the middle of December." I wasn't ready for the question that came to me next but I did my best to contain myself.

  As if I had been speaking about some rare disease, the South African guy asked, "What is Hanukah?"

  Not only was I shocked, but I was infuriated. I suddenly felt like I was representing the entire Jewish population and everything I said depended on it. I felt detached and confused. It was the twentieth century. They were educated people. Even if they weren't, they were cultured, well-traveled. I mean, for G-d's sake, they had traveled to Indonesia, a remote part of the world and they didn't know about Jews or their holidays? It wasn't as if they lived on Mars. Maybe it was a conspiracy. Maybe they were instigating and trying to help me because they knew that I wanted to be mad. I suddenly felt that it was my responsibility to educate each and every one of them. Tell them about the Jews and who we all were. It all seemed so ironic. I wasn't even religious. I didn't even have a formal Jewish education. But I couldn't just sit there. I needed to speak my mind. And yet, I knew the reason that I needed to do it. The topic of conversation had just been a scapegoat. It was an outlet for me. Well, it would have been. Until Jordan came to the rescue.

  He was always so sensitive. From his perspective, I had needed support. Someone to help me through the explanation so I wouldn't have to feel alone. He impressed me. Not only did he come to my aid but he knew the entire history of Hanukah. Jordan wasn't even Jewish. I listened in awe as he defined its meaning in painstaking detail, of course.

  I looked straight at Tristan and asked him out loud, "Have you ever heard of this holiday?"

  I hoped that he, at least, had. I wanted him to know. But he shook his head no and for the first time since I had laid eyes on him, I felt a serious distance. I looked back at Jordan and felt a warmth inside. It was a closeness and feeling of togetherness. Teamwork. I knew that I was lucky to have him, I really did. And for that reason alone, I grew even sadder, thinking still, it wasn't enough.

  Afte
r Jordan shared the particulars of Hanukah, he reiterated once again, our plans to spend the holidays together. He explained that we planned to celebrate both holidays, Hanukah with my family and Christmas with his. I knew in his heart that he hadn't been trying to erase our discussion from earlier. Somehow I knew it was just a good ending to his story and some further explanation to what was. So I sat, and listened, and realized that it was probably better that it had happened that way.

  It was getting late. We were all starting to get tired and Jordan initiated our leaving. He stood up from his chair and as he did, I felt frozen. I was glued to my seat. My eyes caught Tristan's as he stared into mine. I realized at that moment that I might never see him again. I still didn't have his number, nor did he have mine. I still didn't know his last name and I knew that he didn't know mine. Yet only moments ago, I had felt distant from him. Distant because I hadn't wanted us to be different. Not significantly different anyway. Didn't want us to be from two different worlds. Or if we were, I at least wanted him to know about mine. But we were, and he didn't, and that was probably part of the attraction. But I also knew that we shared something deeper than the worlds from which we both came. It was beyond a language, religion or land. When I looked at him, it was he that I saw and did not have the need to look deeper. And as he looked at me, I knew that given the chance, I would never have the strength to deny him.