My Undead Heart

by Kacey Shea

  I shake my head and glance away long enough to unlock the door. “No. I’ll find my own ride.” My fingers wrap around the cold metal of the handle and I tug it open.

  “Mia, it’s not safe.”

  My eyes snap back to his, only this time I’m not rattled by their scrutiny. Narrowing my glare, I hold out one hand to stop him from coming any closer. “I’ll be fine. You taught me how to fight, remember?” I stomp outside so angry, so hurt, and so blindsided that I don’t even look back. I try to slam the door behind me but it has one of those self-closing safeties and the bells on the handle jingle softly as it glides shut.

  I walk down the street to the twenty-four-hour diner before requesting another Uber. I’m so angry at Matt. For leading me to believe there could be more. For making me feel things. God damn, my chest hurts.

  My eyes sting and I’m overcome with the need to cry.

  “You okay, sugar?” The waitress at the counter asks because I must look every bit the mess I feel. I’ve also been in this costume, face paint and all, for almost twelve hours now. She looks me up and down. “Coffee?”

  I almost do cry because that’s quite possibly the only thing that could make this night, or should I say morning, better. “Yes, thank you.” I glance down at my phone and see my driver’s close. “To go, please?”

  “You got it.” She winks and fills a cup. I leave a five on the counter and when she hands over my drink I quickly mix in sugar and cream. My phone buzzes with the alert and I wave to the nice waitress.

  “Wait. Let me get your change.”

  “Keep it.” I push out the doors just in time to catch my ride back to my apartment. The drive is short. At this hour there’s little traffic. I sip my coffee and try not to count up all the ways tonight went wrong—from witnessing Matt’s assault on his father to our fight at his gym. His fists clenched. All that fury in his eyes. In one furious punch, Matt brought back all my past demons. I’ve never felt unsafe with him before. But tonight . . . Tonight when he put his hand through the drywall, my first thought was When will that be me?

  I can’t go back to that place again. I can’t be with a man who uses his physical strength to express his wrath. I’m stronger than the girl I was in college. I’m a woman who knows what she wants, and it’s not that.

  I know what I need to do.

  The driver pulls up to my building, and I thank him as I climb out of the car. With each step forward I’m more resolved than before. I’m done with Matt Haywood. Hell, I’m done with men in general. There’s one thing left, though, before I can put him out of my mind. A deal’s a deal, after all.

  After a quick shower to wash off all my makeup, I arm myself with a pot of coffee and my most comfortable sweats. For the next few hours I make the final adjustments, finish the design and publish the changes on South Side’s new website. Before climbing into bed, I send a text to Jared asking for his help and then turn my phone off. I’m spent, exhausted, and have no fucks left to give, but still the tears flow. I thought I was guarding my heart, but somewhere along the way Matt tore down my defenses. If I weren’t so angry with him, I’d admit I was in love.

  Sunday I awake to a buzz at my apartment door. My first thought is that is must be Matt, but as soon as I stand up the sleep fades from my mind and I remember everything, including my message to Jared. I grab the manila envelope from my kitchen counter on the way to the door.

  “You rang?” He kisses my cheek and steps inside.

  “Can you drop these by South Side Gym?” I hold out the envelope that contains Matt’s web hosting logins, along with a set of detailed instructions in case he wants to change what I’ve set up. It’s what I agreed to do for him, but if he can’t figure out how to upkeep things on his own, then that’s no longer my problem. Jared takes the envelope and I turn for a quick second to grab the bag I filled last night. There are only a few things. A toothbrush, a shirt, and the framed picture of Matt and me on our first date—the one from the Zombie Escape Room. I try to hold a smile and shove the bag at Jared. “This too.”

  He opens it to glance inside, drops the envelope in the bag, and the moment he sees the photo his shoulders droop. “Mia . . .”

  “Can you, or not? Preferably before work tomorrow,” I snap.

  He glances up and releases a sigh. “I guess I can.”

  “Thank you. You can tell him the website is live and working, too. I’m done,” I say matter of factly, as if that’s enough to erase the impact Matt made on my life.

  Jared’s lips pinch together. “Matt?”

  “Yes, him.”

  “Mia, what happened?” He tries to reach for me but I hold up my hand.

  “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Not yet. We were only a stupid bet anyway. I’m done. We’re both moving on.”

  “If you say so, but—”

  I shake my head. “I do. I say so and there’s no one who can change my mind. Not even Matt Haywood himself, so can we please not talk about this anymore?”

  Jared studies me a long moment. He nods and relents. “Okay, Kitten.”

  “Thank you, Jared.”

  “Want to grab dinner before I make the drop.” He holds up the bag.

  I shake my head because I’d rather be alone. “Not tonight.”

  His brows pull together. “You’re worrying me, Mia. Are you gonna be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. I will. I need to lick my wounds in peace. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” With one hand on the door and the other at his chest, I push him across my apartment threshold.

  “Okay, I won’t harass you again. But when you’re ready to talk, I’m here for you.”

  “Thanks, Jared.”

  “Come here.” He pushes my door back open and wraps his arms around me. Pulling me close, he rocks us side to side. “Love you, Kitten.”

  “Ugh! Stop!” I groan but don’t jerk away. His kindness pricks at my damn feelings again. I cried into my pillow until I fell asleep, so you’d think there’d be no tears left.

  “Fine, fine, fine!” He squeezes me once more and backs out the door. “See you tomorrow, Kitten. It’ll all be okay. I promise.”

  I nod and shut the door when he turns away. I pray to God he’s right.

  Two months later

  “What are you doing, man?” My brother’s concern begs a deeper question than the obvious. I heard the jingle at the front door as he came in, but I haven’t stopped raining punches onto the bag.

  “What the hell does it look like I’m doing?” I shout and it’s that slight break in concentration that causes the punch to land funny and swing the bag off to my right. Wrapping my arms around it, I wait for it to steady before going back to work.

  My brother’s shadow falls over me as I continue to kick, punch, and throw knees at my imaginary opponent. “Kinda like you’re trying to tear that bag from the wall. But I’m going to go with self-destruction.”

  Pummeling the bag with every ounce of energy I have, I try to block out my brother’s nagging. I get it, I do. I’m extra punchy these days, not only with my workouts, but with my words. That’s what happens when you fall in love with a woman who doesn’t love you back.

  “Okay, so we’re on to the silent treatment. Trying to sabotage our relationship too?”

  That catches my attention and I drop my hands to steady the bag and return Danny’s stare.

  Brows raised, his expression is full of the know-it-all kind of shit I can’t stand. But considering he’s the only person I can trust to give it to me straight, I’ll entertain his insight. “What do you mean?”

  “You liked her. More than liked her.” We both know the her of whom he’s talking about.

  I shrug and turn back to the bag. “Yeah, well, she doesn’t like me back.” Left hook, right hook, knee, knee, knee. I throw one combination before moving on to the next.

  “I call bullshit. She was just as gone for you.” My brother won’t give it a rest.

  “Maybe, but she’s not anymore.” I pa
nt and continue my workout.

  “Fight for her. Get her back,” he says with so much conviction. I wish I had a sliver of that hope but I don’t. For weeks after Mia ended things I tried to call her, text her, reach out, but she wouldn’t accept or respond. Not once. She wasn’t lying when she said she was done.

  “She doesn’t want me, Danny. Groveling won’t change that. It’s time to move on.”

  “The Matt Haywood I know doesn’t throw in the towel so easily.”

  I stop so I can meet him face to face. “Look, Danny. I know you want to help, but this is all on me. I messed up and now she’s moved on. It sucks. It more than sucks. But now I need to do the same.”

  “You really did everything you could?”

  “I did.” But did I? I didn’t tell her how I felt because I didn’t want her to run. I didn’t tell her I was dirt broke because then she’d realize she was too good for me. I didn’t tell her about my past because that’s my hurt to carry. Really, we were doomed from the start.

  “Sorry, brother.” Danny clasps my shoulder.

  “Don’t be. I just want to put it all behind me.” The lie tastes bitter on my lips. There’s not a day or night that goes by without me wishing Mia was here in my life. With Xavier’s UFC contract and his first fight coming up in Las Vegas, I’m no longer strapped for cash. My gym’s back on its feet. Memberships are at an all-time high. It’s all I’ve wanted. I only wish she were here to share it with. “You and Nikki still coming this weekend?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it. Hey, have you talked to Dad?”

  “No.” I shake my head.

  “Uncle Jimmy said he’s been watching your boy. Came in to make some hefty bets last week but Jimmy wouldn’t front him.” His eyes widen and he shoves his hands into his back pockets.

  I shrug because I really don’t give a damn. “What Pop decides to do with his life is on him. I can’t waste any more of mine bailing him out or worrying what trouble he might get into next.”

  He nods, his gaze falling to the ground as he kicks against the flooring. “Matt, back when you lost the title. Did you . . . Did Dad—”

  I cut him off. “Doesn’t matter. The past is the past. Leave it there.”

  “It’s just that I’ve always wondered . . .” His eyes plead with mine, but memory lane is a path I’m not willing to travel. “Fine. I’ll let it go. I don’t need to know. I have your back either way.”

  “I know you do, Danny.” Walking over to the counter, I grab a clean towel to wipe the sweat from my face and arms. “And I really appreciate you letting me stay with you.”

  The moment he learned I was bumming at the gym, my brother insisted I move in with him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m proud of him, too. Nikki was less than thrilled to have me staying on their couch, but my brother let her know it wasn’t up for debate. If she didn’t feel comfortable she could crash with one of her friends until I moved out. That was some argument. I heard every word from my place in the living room, including the makeup sex afterwards. I thought they used the pet name baby a lot before . . . I try not to gag.

  “Stay as long as you need.”

  “I’m actually going to check out a place in a half an hour. You wanna come with?”

  His eyes widen with his smile. “Love to. Nikki and her girls have a spa day so I’m a free man.”

  I chuckle because that doesn’t happen often. Those two are practically connected at the hip. “Sweet. Let me grab a shower and lock up.”

  I grab my bag from the office and minutes later I’m clean and dressed in a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I pass my reflection in the locker room mirror and stop to examine my face more closely. I run my fingers through the snarls in my hair. I haven’t shaved since the night of the fight, or trimmed my hair since then, either. Mia always joked before, but I’m actually on the edge of appearing homeless. I need a change. A fresh start.

  “Hey, Danny!” I shout through the door.

  He pokes his head inside. “What’s up?”

  “Maybe after we check out the apartment we could stop by a barber?” Trying to untangle one of my long locks only affirms the choice.

  Danny’s lips pull up with a smile and he nods his head. I don’t have to explain my reasons. From the look on his face he gets it. “Yeah, man. I think that’s a great idea.”

  “Cool.”

  “Maybe we can go shopping too? Make it a regular date night?” He holds the door open for me to pass.

  “Shut up.” I laugh, a deep genuine guffaw prompted by his suggestion, and drop my bag in the office. When he doesn’t join along, I turn around to find his brow pinched into a frown and realize he wasn’t joking. “I mean . . . I guess . . . We can if that’s what you want?”

  He holds my stare a second longer before his lips pull up with his own laughter. “Nah, man! Shit! We’re gonna get wings and cheap beer! Hell, I’d say let’s hit up a tittie bar, but I think Nikki’s got my phone on her GPS tracker.”

  “Oh, she does.” I crack a pretend whip, sound effects and all. “That’s not really my thing, but I guess we could leave your phone here.” I shrug because I’m good spending this day however my brother wants as long as it’s legal. He’s been a huge support to me these past months in a way I can never repay.

  “Oh, no.” His eyes widen and he shakes his head. “I know for a fact she has yours on her app.” Shit. Really? He glances around nervously. “I’m not even sure we should joke about this out loud. Probably has the gym bugged, too.”

  “Come on, Danny.” I laugh and throw my arm around his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here.”

  The bitter cold creeps under the protection of my wool coat as I step off the bus this dark December afternoon. The rain’s been at it for weeks, but I just returned from a week-long trip back home to visit my parents, where it’s even colder. At least here there’s not far to go before the inside of the building wraps me in its artificial warmth.

  “Mia!” Rae waves from the corner booth in Last Pitch.

  Jared slides out and waits for me to take off my coat and scarf before capturing me in a tight squeeze, lifting me off my feet and swinging us in a circle. “Kitten! I’ve missed you so!”

  “It was only a week!” I laugh and push away to slide into the booth before him.

  “We ordered already.” Rae grins and slides over a glass of beer. “Stella for you.”

  I mouth thanks.

  “Christmas wasn’t the same without you.” Jared pouts, “Plus, Rick Grimes is a real asshole and apparently has an aversion to good fashion.”

  “Oh, God! What did he do and what do I owe you?” I cringe to consider which of Jared’s clothes Rick went for this time.

  “Oh, I didn’t stick around long enough for him to cause permanent damage but that pussy has a thing against designer jeans. Hissed like he wanted me dead.”

  “That’s just how he shows his love.” I pat Jared’s leg.

  “I don’t understand why you don’t get a new cat. Rick’s not right in the head.”

  “He’s angry at life. A little misunderstood.” I shrug and spin the glass of Stella in slow circles. All this time with my dick of a pet and I’ve never once considered finding him a new home. Maybe because no one will want him and that’s something I understand all too well. He might hiss and scratch and occasionally shit on my shoes but it’s not personal. He’s a little rough around the edges but he still needs love. We’re more alike than I’ll ever admit.

  “Hey.” Rae’s brows etch with concern. “How was Clear Lake? Help to get away?”

  “No, not really.” I laugh. After spending a week in the room I called home for eighteen years, I was more than ready to come back today. Not even my mother’s home cooked meals or guilt riddled inquisitions could get my mind off him. In fact, they only made it worse.

  When are you going to find a nice man and settle down?

  I still don’t like you living alone in the city. What if someone tries to attack you?
/>   Are you dating anyone? Because the new teacher at the high school is available.

  Every single question brought my mind back to Matt. As much as I don’t want to, I miss him. “You know it took less than one month for Matt Haywood to weasel his way into my undead heart, so why is it that almost two months later I can’t get him out of my system?”

  Rae’s lips pull down with her frown. “I’m sorry Mia. I really am.”

  “You know what you need?” Jared asks.

  “A new life.”

  “Don’t be overly dramatic. It’s unlike you.” Jared rolls his eyes. “I’ll tell you what you really need.”

  “Oh, goodie,” I mutter but he’s already nodding his head.

  “A new pair of fuck me boots. Am I right?” Jared holds up his hands like he’s solved the world’s problems. Rae shrugs and then actually nods in agreement. “Channel your inner Wonder Woman and take on the world, all thanks to a five-inch heel.”

  I raise my brow and pin him with a glare. “That’s the most sexist suggestion you’ve ever made. Wonder Woman would be so proud.”

  “Come on! Nothing like a few added inches and some expensive leather to help you take on the world. I’m not wrong!” he shouts and gestures to his sister for support.

  “He’s really not.” Rae giggles. I redirect my glare her way and she shrugs. “Sorry, but he’s right. New kicks, fresh start.”

  “I’ll consider it,” I grumble and take a long sip of beer thinking there was a pair of Chucks I’ve been wanting for a while. Maybe I should treat myself.

  “You’re still coming to our New Year’s bash?” Rae’s anxious stare bubbles indecision on my part. I love my friends, I really do, but the thought of another party at their place only reminds me of the last one and how it was the catalyst to upturn the good thing I had going with Matt.

  Rae reads my expression and resorts to begging. “You have to, Mia. I can’t handle Jared on my own.”

  “Yeah, I’ll be there.” I try for a smile but it falters. I just can’t get myself excited about much of anything anymore. Even my trip back home for Christmas seemed lacking.