by Shari Low
Despite the harsh words, he hoped he didn’t sound bitter, because he genuinely didn’t feel it. It was beyond strange. There was no anger, no disbelief, no regret… just an overwhelming feeling that it wasn’t right. Wouldn’t have worked. Why the hell hadn’t he had this feeling this morning and then he’d have had time to call the whole thing off?
‘I was in love with someone else.’ It was out before he even realised that he’d said it, and in his peripheral vision he could see that she was staring at him now, eyes wide with surprise. ‘I think Lila wasn’t the only one trying to fill a hole in her life. I think maybe I was too. Shit. Sorry. You’re the first person I’ve admitted that to.’ Oddly, it felt good to say it and what the hell, he had about two hundred miles to travel and then he’d never see this girl again.
‘Another girlfriend? Don’t tell me you were being unfaithful too. Oh for God’s sake can no one just stick with one person and…’ Her fury took him aback.
‘No, no, no!’ he blustered. ‘I wasn’t unfaithful, I was talking about someone I knew a long time before I met Lila.’
‘Thank God, because otherwise I was getting out and hitching a lift on the next truck that passed this way. And when that happens on Criminal Minds, the female always ends up dead in a ditch.’
He laughed, thinking this was surreal. One of the worst nights of both their lives and they were still having moments of levity. He didn’t understand it but he was going with it because otherwise it was going to be a long drive to Aberdeen.
‘This is surreal,’ she said, plucking the word right out of his mind.
‘That’s exactly what I was just thinking,’ he agreed, realising the fact that they were both thinking the same thing at the same time made it even more surreal.
‘So who were you in love with?’ she went on.
The words almost got stuck in Cammy’s throat. ‘Her name is Mel. I worked with her for ten years, when she owned the shop that I own now. I loved her from the day I met her, but she was married. A few years later, she split from her husband, and I told her how I felt. There was something between us for about a minute; until she found out I’d been seeing her best mate. Her married best mate. Who was also her sister-in-law. Please don’t try to jump out of the car. It was a long time ago. I’ve learned my lesson and, in my defence, it wasn’t me who was being unfaithful.’
‘I’ve got one hand on the door handle,’ Caro replied, but her expression said she wasn’t serious. ‘Go on.’
‘That’s pretty much it. I blew it. Mel wanted nothing to do with me, so I upped and left and went to LA, Mel met someone else, married him and they’re really happy, living abroad. Oh, and in this world of imperfect lives, they’re the only ones living in a little bubble of perfection. Did I sound bitter there?’
‘A little,’ she said, holding her thumb and index finger about an inch apart, in front of her tear-stained face.
‘Thought so. Probably because I am. I can’t help myself,’ he said, with a rueful grin. ‘Anyway, then I came back about six months ago and the rest is history…’
‘That’s how long you’ve known Lila?’ she asked, surprised. ‘It’s just, with the engagement, I figured you two had been together a long time.’
‘Nope, it was a bit of a spontaneous thing. I thought Lila really wanted to get married so I decided to make it happen. And also she just seemed so happy and gorgeous, and the complete opposite of Mel in so many ways… not that Mel wasn’t happy and gorgeous because she was! But Mel hated being the centre of attention, she was all about heart and friends and she was the most content and truly decent person I’ve ever met. Maybe I just thought Lila was so larger than life that she would block Mel out of my head.’
‘And did she?’
‘No. She’s all I’ve thought about all day today, even when I was picking up the ring, planning the dinner, choosing a suit… all day. It’s not because I want her back, because that ship has sailed, it’s just because I think I knew that was how I should be feeling about Lila. Val and Josie knew it too. That’s why they didn’t want me to marry Lila. Well, that and the fact that they thought she was a “vain, self-centred, humourless, cold pain in the arse who never thought about anyone but herself”. That’s a direct quote from Josie. I argued every time anyone criticised her because I was sure I was in love with her but I guess the fact that I’m not destroyed that she said “no” proves something.’
‘Maybe you’ll have a delayed reaction.’
‘I don’t think so. I think I just feel… relief. See, this is why I began this conversation with an admission that I’m bollocks at emotional stuff.’
‘You’re getting no argument from me. You really are abysmal,’ she said, making him smile again. ‘Why do you think she didn’t say “yes”?’ she asked.
He shrugged. ‘I have no idea. Maybe she knew it wasn’t right too. Maybe she didn’t love me to start with. She said she did, but we’ve already ascertained that she’s great at creating illusions. The strange thing is, she’d cooled off in the last few weeks and I thought it was because she wanted me to make a commitment. I obviously had that all completely wrong too. I shouldn’t be allowed to make any relationship decisions or assumptions without the presence of a professional.’
That thought should sting, shouldn’t it? Yet, it didn’t. Josie and Val would have a field day with all this stuff. They’d be analysing him until the end of time.
Her phone rang then, halting the baring of his soul, and she answered it immediately, again she flicked it on to speaker because the device was still in the charging cradle.
‘Babe, I’m here, and…’ The guy’s voice again. What was his name? Tom?
‘Todd, is she…’ She stopped, and Cammy could see she was unable to say it.
‘No, no, she’s still with us, but the nurses think…’ He broke off.
‘She doesn’t have long?’ Caro finished the sentence.
‘I don’t think so, sweetheart.’
Caro’s features crumpled and, instinctively, Cammy put his hand on hers. Anyone else would have done the same. Just a human gesture, one person trying to comfort another.
‘Ask her to hold on for me, Todd. Tell her I’m coming. Tell her to wait. Please. She’ll hear you.’
‘I will, Caro. I’ll tell her..’
She disconnected again, then didn’t say anything for several miles. When she did the sorrow was almost tangible. ‘I knew this was going to happen, sometimes I actually hoped it would happen soon because it was no way for her to live, so I should be prepared for this, yet I’m not.’
Cammy searched for the right thing to say. ‘I don’t think anyone ever could be. Are you okay?’ Stupid question. Of course she wasn’t.
She paused until more words came. ‘She would hate living like that,’ Caro went on. ‘She was funny and loved a party and was so full of life… so much more so when my dad was home. In a way I understand what Lila has been feeling, because I grew up with that too. I do think Mum loved me, but there was no doubt that her sun only rose to full height when he was home. She worshipped him. And when he was gone it was like the temperature dropped a few notches, like nothing else was quite enough. Of course, I didn’t realise it at the time.’
‘I find that whole scenario – the two families thing – impossible to get my head around,’ Cammy admitted.
‘Me too, in a way, but in other ways, not so much. He was never much of a dad to me. I think that’s why it hurt so much that I thought he and Lila were really close. It makes me a terrible person but I’m glad that wasn’t true. I think that would have been too tough to handle and would have ended up costing me a fortune in therapy. At least he was an equal-opportunities inadequate lying scumbag.’
‘And it hasn’t put you off relationships,’ he said, looking for the silver lining. ‘Your husband seems like a really nice guy and he sounds like he really cares about you.’
‘I’m not… Oh, you mean Todd?’
‘The guy you were speaking to.�
�
A smile. ‘Todd’s my cousin. More like a brother really. We grew up together and he loves mum just as much as me. We stick together, have done since we were kids. He’s very happily engaged to a Canadian hairdresser called Jared. Madly in love. Gives me hope.’
‘I could probably do with some of that. Ouch – how pathetic did that sound?’
‘That was right up at the top level of “pathetic”,’ she concurred. ‘Are you still hoping things will work out with Lila?’
A faint smile. ‘No. Not to sound clichéd, but I can already see that she’s done me a favour. Whatever her reasons, whatever is going on, I think it’s probably worked out the way that it should have.’
His voice tailed off into comfortable silence, leaving her to stare out of the window, watching the Dundee landscape go by.
Cammy reckoned they were about halfway now. It was almost midnight, he’d had barely any sleep last night, then today had been the most stressful day in memory, he’d been driving for an hour and a half, his life was in tatters, and… shit… he’d just realised that he’d have to move out of Lila’s flat, so he was now homeless too. Not up there with the more successful days of his life, but nothing was broken, nothing irreplaceable had been lost, this wasn’t going to leave him in a dark room for months waiting for the pain to subside.
It was unexpected, but even if he prodded his heart for signs of pain, he’d only be able to register a faint ache, and only then because he was a bit mortified that he’d got it so wrong.
The ring of Caro’s phone shattered the easy, comfortable silence.
‘Caro…’
Todd again, and this time there was something in his voice, an extra layer of sadness. Caro heard it too.
‘Is she gone?’ she asked fearfully.
‘No, but the nurses think it’s only a matter of minutes. I don’t think you’re going to make it, sweetheart,’ he said, his tone thick with care and compassion. ‘What shall I do?’
‘Are you next to her bed?’ He could see her face had drained of colour and eyes were brimming with tears.
‘Of course,’ he answered.
‘Then put me on loudspeaker.’
They heard a click, then a change in the acoustics. When Todd spoke again, he sounded fainter, further away and there was an audible, steady slow beep in the background.
‘Okay my love, the phone is next to her ear. She can hear you,’ he told her.
A few seconds passed before she spoke. Cammy wasn’t sure what to do. Pull over and respect the moment, or carry on driving, hoping that he could get her there? He put the foot down. If there was even a slim chance, he wasn’t giving up.
‘Mum, it’s Caro. I’m so sorry I’m not there. I told you to hang on and wait until I got back and now I’m not going to get to you in time…’ A sad laugh. ‘I’m thinking maybe you did that deliberately. You never did like to make a fuss. I’m so sad I’m not there with you though, Mum. My whole life you’ve been there for me and I want you to know I’m so grateful. I love you Mum. I love you so much and I know how much you loved me. I know, Mum.’ Her voice broke and, once again, Cammy put his hand on hers and she squeezed it, before carrying on. ‘Every time I think of you, I’ll see you smiling, in the garden. That’s how I’ll remember you. Todd’s with you now, Mum, and he’s going to stay with you until I get there. If you can hang on, please wait for me, but if you can’t… Know I love you. And Mum, I just saw Dad… he wanted me to tell you that he loves you too. He’s sorry he’s not there with you. He really is, Mum. He loved you so much and he wanted me to tell you that he always will. So Mum…’
She didn’t get any further.
The faint, regular beeping sound in the background turned to one long steady tone.
‘Caro, she’s gone,’ Todd said, choking on the words. ‘I’m so sorry. She’s gone.’
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘I’ll be there soon. Stay with her?’
‘You don’t have to ask. I’ll be here,’ Todd promised.’
There was a layby a few yards ahead, and Cammy swerved straight into it, pushing the brake pedal at the same time. He pulled to a stop, leaned over and wrapped her in his arms and let her sob, just for a few moments, until her shoulders stopped shaking and she sat up.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘That doesn’t seem anywhere even close to adequate for what you’ve done for me tonight, but I want you to know I’m so grateful. I’ll never forget how kind you’ve been.’
Cammy’s only thought was admiration for her strength and selflessness. ‘I’m glad I was here.’ It was an odd thing to say, but it was so true. A few hours ago, he didn’t know this woman at all, and yet now he couldn’t bear the thought of her having to deal with this in a stranger’s taxi or in the cold, lonely carriage of a train. ‘Let’s get you home,’ he said, gently, releasing her.
He put the car into gear, pulled out of the layby, and drove, his hand still on hers. It stayed there for the next hundred miles, as Caro talked about her mum and Cammy listened, glad he was there for her. There was nowhere else he would rather be.
Chapter 31
Bernadette
Bernadette was sure she’d heard wrong.
‘Sorry, dear – you’re what?’
‘I’m Ken’s girlfriend.’
‘Ken who?’ Bernadette had a horrible feeling that she was on one of those game shows where everyone was shouting the answer but she was the hapless contestant whose mind had just gone completely blank.
‘This has to be a wind-up,’ Stuart said, taking the words right out of her mouth.
One of those prank hidden camera shows, maybe? Dear Lord, not tonight. Not when she was almost out of the damned door and freedom was so, so close.
Well, she wasn’t going to get caught on one of those cameras being rude to a stranger. If the girl was deranged and deluded, then she wasn’t going to turn her back and refuse to help. Nor was she going to let a girl in a barely there, strappy dress die of hypothermia on her doorstep. For God’s sake, had she never heard of a coat?
Her professional training kicked in and she stepped back from the door, forcing Stuart and an absolutely dumbstruck Nina to edge backwards too. This hall had never been so crowded. ‘Come in before frostbite sets in.’
The woman – probably about the same age as Nina – looked at her warily.
Bernadette’s detachment, undoubtedly the result of thirty years dealing with chaos and unexpected shocks in A&E, continued to take charge of proceedings. ‘I’m not going to bite. Clearly there’s a reason you’re here and it’s not going to help if you faint from the cold before you can share it with us, is it?’
That did it. Shivering, the blonde visitor took two steps into the hall, allowing Bernadette to take one of Kenneth’s cardigans off the coat hooks behind the door and wrap it around her shoulders. The woman - what did she say her name was? - didn’t resist.
‘Right, I’m less worried about you collapsing now. Tell me again why you’re…’
‘Lila?’
Kenneth’s voice came from behind her, in the kitchen doorway, sounding about as shocked as she’d ever heard him.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’
Oh he didn’t sound pleased. Was it wrong that there was something comforting in the fact that she wouldn’t be the one who would have to deal with him like this anymore?
‘Dad, this woman claims she’s your girlfriend. I’m sure there’s a really good reason for this and I can’t wait to hear it.’ Kenneth’s fury might just be matched by the quieter, but every bit as forceful anger in Nina’s voice.
Bernadette snuck a glance at the incongruous sight before her, still shivering, despite the heat of the Fair Isle cardigan her mother had bought Kenneth for Christmas two years ago. He had moaned that the one she’d bought him the year before had brought his neck out in a rash, and when she’d heard this, she bought him another one exactly the same. In hindsight, Bernadette could see that this was her mother making a mischievous point, but a
t the time she’d thought it was just a coincidence.
Anyway, back to the new arrival. Fair play to her, she wasn’t shrinking back from Kenneth’s outrage. And my word, she was beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Like one of those pageant queens that want to save the world and cure disease and famine in a bikini.
Kenneth didn’t answer Nina’s question, instead directing his words squarely at… at… Lila. Yep, that was her name. Lila.
‘What the hell are you thinking? Why? Why would you come here?’
Rage. Disbelief. Exasperation. Irritation. Frustration. It was all there in every vowel and consonant.
‘Because I can’t let her do this to you anymore. Ken, I know you didn’t want me to do this, but it’s time you put yourself first. You can’t keep putting their happiness before your own.’
Bernadette was fairly sure that she, Nina, and Stuart were now sporting absolutely identical expressions of astonishment.
Then, the strangest thing. She heard laughter. Belly-aching, contagious, absolutely uncontrollable laughter. It took a moment for her to realise that it was coming from her and everyone’s gaze of disbelief was now focussed in her direction.
‘Oh come on – him put our happiness first,’ she spluttered through the giggles, as she wiped away tears of mirth. It must be the stress of the day. It had all bottled up and now it was coming out as pure hysteria. This was why people laughed at funerals. Same thing.
‘Mum, I think…’
Bernadette was folded over now, holding on to her sides. She put her hand up. ‘No, no I’m fine. Let Lila speak. I can’t wait…’ she dissolved into giggles again.
‘Jesus Christ, Bernadette!’ Kenneth raged.
That set her off again.
‘I think we’re going to have to have her sedated,’ Stuart said.
Bernadette’s hand flew up again. ‘No, no, I’m fine.’ She said again, clearing her throat. ‘All good. Under control.’
The others eyed her sceptically, but she held it together. This was outrageous. Unbelievable.
‘Let Lila speak,’ she repeated, meeting the other woman’s horrified stare. That was almost enough to set her off again, but she managed to summon every ounce of discipline she possessed to keep a straight face.