The Bellator Saga: The First Trilogy (Dissident, Conscience, and Sojourn)

by Cecilia London

  Murdock had been wearing cheap cologne that night. She hadn’t paid all that much attention to it but whenever she heard his voice in her sleep the stink permeated the air when she woke up. It was worse than the mildew in her cell. The memories all blurred together until she wasn’t sure what had really happened and what had just occurred in her mind.

  “Hello, Gerard.”

  The voice. That horrible voice. It never went away. No matter what she did, it never went away.

  “I’m in charge of interrogations. I run a few of them, in certain special circumstances. And you’re the most special of circumstances.”

  That ratlike face. Those beady eyes. That sadistic mind.

  “Wipe that smile off your face, you goddamn bitch.”

  A sharp, stinging backhand across her face.

  “Do you know how many bones there are in the human hand? Twenty-seven.”

  That cruel half grin, constantly reminding her that to be in control was to be free.

  “I have to tell you, Caroline. I’ve never done this before. I’ve practiced, of course. But I’m so glad you get to be here for my first time. A mutual deflowering, we’ll call it.”

  A hammer slamming down, smashing through flesh and bone.

  “My deepest apologies. Senator Goldman won’t be joining you again. She sends her regrets.”

  A gunshot ringing in her ears. Being piped in through the speakers. Again and again and again.

  “Tell me, Caroline. Did you like Jack to beat you? Whip you? Degrade you? Was that part of your little game, how you both got your thrills? Such a shame he wasn’t captured along with you. Just think of what we could have done to you while we made him watch.”

  A belt. Metal and leather whooshing through the air, tearing her apart again and again.

  “I think that worked quite well. Don’t you? I bet you loved every minute of it. Such divine marks.”

  Another slap to the face, meant more for humiliation than anything else.

  “You’re going to die in this disgusting cell, Caroline. Alone. Slowly and painfully. It’s a shame I won’t be in here to watch you take your last breath, but I’ve got plans with a hot slut who’s far more attractive and much more pliable than you.”

  The press of a silver blade.

  “Shall we get started?”

  Caroline bit down on the blanket. She didn’t want to cry. Not again. Not when it only made her feel worse. But she felt so damn alone. If left to her own devices or forced to spend the rest of the night by herself, there was no telling what she would do to make the voice stop taunting her.

  But it was Saturday. She had an out.

  She unlocked her door and crept down the hall. The house was quiet. Naturally. It was three in the morning. No one in their right mind was awake, even if they were used to working an overnight shift. She turned the knob on Gabe’s bedroom door and crawled into bed next to him. His arm immediately came around her.

  “Another nightmare?” he whispered.

  She took a deep breath. He never needed to ask but did it every single time. “Yeah.”

  He held her tighter. “You’re all right. Close your eyes and try to sleep.”

  A near impossibility but at least she wasn’t by herself. And he had a nightlight too. Because he knew she’d need it.

  She’d started doing that. Coming in when he was asleep, if he was at home. During the week he was never there but on the weekends it was almost guaranteed that she’d end up in his room at some point. It was her only escape.

  He didn’t seem to mind. Never made a move. Never did anything below or above the waist. Just held her all night, knowing she wouldn’t sleep. She wasn’t sure if it was comforting or not, but when she was with him the nightmares weren’t nearly as intense.

  It had been their unspoken agreement after her initial rejection of him. They’d discussed things the next morning. How she wasn’t ready for anything, but that might change. That they both didn’t need the difficulties that might come with a romantic relationship. Reasonable rationales for why she couldn’t get involved with him. Total bullshit on her end but he believed it. Maybe someday she’d be ready to give him more but for now she was content to take without giving anything in return, because he was willing to do it for her. And if it helped, it helped. After all, Diana did need a friend. Even a friend with partial benefits. Though she’d be awake the whole damn night, at least she didn’t feel so fucking isolated.

  * * * * *

  As time passed it got easier to block the memories out. Caroline wasn’t sure what techniques were working so she used them all. Her friends never pushed her, even on those days when her face was scrunched with concentration and she did her best to stuff every bit of her past away. She was absorbed in her ultimate goal: getting to California. She couldn’t waste her time dwelling on what once was and never could be again. She had to focus on what she had now.

  She’d just gotten through a rather intense workout with Jones, who’d been supplementing Crunch’s self-defense routines with a few of his own. It seemed to make Crunch insecure. He’d been watching them the entire time, his disinterest evolving into envy.

  “That’s what you call teaching her to fight?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” Jones said smugly. “Did a hella job better than you, I’d say.”

  Crunch scoffed. “We’ll see. What say you, Caroline?”

  Crunch had done a phenomenal job helping her rebuild her strength, but Jones had demonstrated some practical moves that were a little more uncivilized. Caroline wanted coarse. Vulgar. Nasty and unforgiving. And Jones could sure as hell fight that way. Crunch’s underhanded techniques were one thing but Jonesie could take it to another level.

  She shrugged. “He’s done okay. I mean, for a felon.”

  Jones shoved her playfully before handing her a bottle of Gatorade. “I’m not a felon anymore,” he said.

  She drank three-quarters of the bottle before glancing up again. “Pfft. Semantics, really.”

  He frowned. “Huh?”

  Crunch laughed. “Gabe’s right. Your vocabulary needs some serious expansion.”

  “Wait,” Jones said, turning to Caroline. “You insulting me?”

  She smiled, knowing he’d realize she was kidding. “Not really.”

  Crunch slipped on a pair of gloves. “I think we should see what she has. About time we worked up a command performance.”

  “Fine with me,” Caroline said.

  Jones helped Caroline put her own gloves back on. “Whatever you say, Crunchy. Be prepared to get your ass whooped. Your shit’s nothing compared to what I’ve taught her.”

  Crunch flexed. “Not fucking likely.”

  Caroline smacked her hands together, pleased by the muffled noise the gloves made. Crunch was a great sparring partner, both verbally and physically. But the two of them had never shown their moves in front of anyone else before.

  “You afraid to get beaten up by a girl?” she asked.

  “Hardly.”

  Jones leaned into Crunch’s ear and whispered something.

  “I’m not doing that shit,” Crunch hissed.

  “Do it, man. Seriously.”

  Crunch shook his head back and forth. “Bullshit. No way.”

  “C’mon.”

  “What’s the problem, boys?” Caroline asked. “I can take you both on if you want.”

  Jones laughed. “Our girl’s got balls, y’all.”

  That sort of self-assurance came to her so rarely anymore that she was determined to take advantage of it. “Just saying. If you both did your damn jobs and taught me worth a fuck, then I should be able to, right?”

  Crunch laughed. “True that.”

  Caroline punched him on the shoulder. “What was it he wanted you to say?”

  Crunch frowned at Jones. “He wanted me to say a word I intensely dislike.”

  She grinned. “Jonesie, were you trying to get Crunch to use the ‘c’ word?”

  He crossed his hands behind h
is head. “Heard a rumor you don’t like it that much. Wanted to see how you’d react.”

  She bounced across the room and kicked at his foot. “That rumor came from me, jerkface.”

  “Is ‘jerkface’ the best you can do? Come on, now.”

  Caroline started flailing her hands at him. He laughed. It had to look pretty funny with giant boxing gloves on. “Bring it, asshole.”

  “You gonna pull my hair next?” Jones asked.

  “You don’t have any hair.”

  He stood up and removed her gloves, then took a fighting stance in front of her. “Show me what you got. Fuck Crunch. He don’t wanna play but I know you got it in you today.”

  She mimicked his stance. “Only if you promise not to go easy on me.”

  “We’re not wearing gloves. There might be blood,” he said.

  Like she’d never seen that before. “Fine with me.”

  Jones smirked at Crunch. “You ready, man? We’re about to show you how to really fucking fight.”

  Crunch had already taken off his gloves and was leaning against the wall. “Go ahead,” he said. “I need a nap anyway.” He turned to Caroline. “That means I expect you to make this quick.”

  Jones jabbed at Caroline and she dodged it. “All right. Your reflexes are okay.”

  Caroline jumped from foot to foot, dodging him again. “You’re not even fucking trying.”

  He tried a third time and she got a shot to his ribs. She didn’t punch too hard, but he winced and she felt a small stab of victory. She was learning pressure points and vulnerabilities. She’d have to go for a kidney shot next, just to see if she could do it. But before she could, Jonesie grabbed her arms and pinned them behind her back.

  And her world went dark.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The Safe House

  Before Jones even realized what had happened, Caroline bumped backwards into him.

  “I don’t know anything,” she said.

  He loosened his grip, confused. “What’s that?”

  Crunch ran over. “Let go of her. Something’s not right.” He knelt down in front of Caroline. “You okay? Talk to me.”

  “I don’t know anything,” she repeated.

  Crunch turned to Jones. “Shit,” he whispered. “Let go of her.”

  Jones released one of her wrists, keeping his grip on the other. “What’s going on?”

  Caroline whirled around and punched him in the face. “Leave me alone!”

  He stumbled back, shocked, and let go of her. She leapt on top of him, punching and clawing at his face. Crunch tried to pull her off of him.

  “Do something,” Jones said, ducking away from another blow. “I don’t wanna hurt her.”

  “Gabe!” Crunch yelled. “Get the fuck down here!”

  “I’m not telling you shit,” she screamed, hitting Jones in the nose. “Fucking cowards.”

  Jones rolled over on top of her, pinning her down. “Calm down, Princess. Come on.” He heard swift footsteps and turned his head, and Caroline kicked her way out from beneath him, knocking him to the floor again.

  “You’re all cowards!” she yelled.

  “Help me,” Crunch told Gabe. “She went fucking nuts. I have no idea what happened.”

  Jones rolled over on top of her and the three men managed to get her upright. Crunch had his arms around her waist while Jones kept her hands pinned to her sides.

  “Don’t put them behind her back,” Crunch told him. “That’s what did it. She got all glassy eyed and shit when you did that.”

  Jones frowned, trying to ignore the pain in his cheek. “How the fuck was I supposed to know not to do that, genius?”

  “Shut up,” Gabe said.

  Jones scowled at him. “What the fuck do you suggest we do, Saint Gabriel? Slap her back into reality?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Gabe leaned in closer to Caroline. “It’s Gabe. Talk to me.”

  Caroline looked at him, her expression blank. She lunged toward him but the other men held her back. “I have nothing to tell you. Leave me be.”

  Gabe stood up. “Let’s get her to her room. Maybe she’ll snap out of it if we actually do what she says.”

  Jones let out an irritable laugh as Caroline continued to struggle to get away from him and Crunch. “How do you think we’re gonna do that?”

  Gabe frowned. “I don’t know. Throw her over your shoulder?”

  Goddammit. Jones liked Caroline but he had a feeling she was gonna leave some marks if he did that. “You fucking owe me, man,” he said, letting Crunch help him heave her up. “You’re helping me, Crunchy. In case she tries to claw out my eyes or some shit.”

  Gabe stood up. “I’m right behind you.”

  Jones started toward the stairwell, with Crunch in front of him. She didn’t claw out his eyes but she struggled and screamed the entire way up the stairs. If he hadn’t been a relatively coordinated guy, he would have dropped her. Or if he hadn’t cared about her so much. He could have let her fall to the floor but that would be cruel. He reminded himself that she didn’t know what she was doing as she continued to paw at him when he laid her down on her bed. She tore his shirt almost completely off before he broke free.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he said, backing them all toward the door. “Maybe she’ll sleep it off.”

  Crunch shut the door just as she staggered after them and started pounding on it. “We might be in over our heads here. What if she doesn’t snap out of it?”

  Gabe pinched the bridge of his nose. “She’ll be fine. I think that’s enough hand to hand combat for now. You all right, Jonesie?”

  Jones ripped his shirt the rest of the way off and balled it up and pressed it to his cheek. “Need ice. Nothing I can’t handle.” He grinned at Crunch. “Told ya the lady had balls.”

  Crunch let out a small laugh. “You’ve got some seriously misplaced priorities. But I love you anyway.”

  The pounding stopped. They heard nothing behind the wall. Just a disconcerting silence.

  “I need a drink,” Gabe said.

  * * * * *

  When Caroline woke up the light next to her bed was on. She was sore as hell. What had happened? Jones was sitting in the corner.

  “Hey.” His voice was muted. Something was off. He moved over and sat on the bed next to her. “How you feeling?” he asked.

  She sat up, taking a good look at him. Didn’t hurt to ask. “What happened?”

  “What’s the last thing you remember?”

  “We were training,” she said. “You and I were scuffling and…I don’t remember anything after that.”

  He rubbed the top of his head, hesitating before speaking again. “I pulled your hands behind your back and you went a little nuts on me, Princess. We couldn’t calm you down. I don’t even know how we got you upstairs, to be honest.”

  Caroline stared at the side of his face, which was obviously swollen. His nose was a little puffy but didn’t look broken. Someone had done a number on him. Like a bar fight gone terribly wrong. “Did I do that?” she whispered.

  He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it.”

  How could he be so indifferent? Couldn’t he appreciate the seriousness of what had taken place? “I can’t – I don’t remember doing that.”

  “I figured you wouldn’t.” He put his arm around her. “It’s okay.”

  She pulled away from him. He had a pretty serious black eye and a welt on the side of his face. That she caused. Caroline wasn’t going to accept affection from him. “I’m sorry.”

  He scooted closer to her again. “It’s okay,” he repeated. “Really. I used to get beat up all the time as a kid. You just caught me off guard.”

  His social history didn’t make it any better. It almost made it worse. “I don’t remember anything,” she whispered. “Why don’t I remember that?”

  Jones smiled at her. “It’s not that big a deal. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt you. You’re okay, right?” />
  She found it unsettling that he had shrugged the incident off so easily, but perhaps it was best not to pursue it. “I’m fine.”

  Jones took her hand in his, straightening out her fingers the best he could. “You did good but you need to learn to punch better,” he said. “You got all bone and your knuckles are busted up.”

  “You’re criticizing the way I attacked you without provocation?”

  He grinned. “I might have provoked you a little. I guess I know not to yank your hands behind your back again.”

  Hell if she remembered it. If that was a trigger, she’d make sure to avoid it when she could. “I’ll take you at your word.”

  He ran his fingertips along the back of her hand. “I’m not that hurt. I’ll be fine.” He gave her a triumphant grin and raised his voice. “Plus it proves I’ve been doing a better job of teaching you than Crunch has.”

  “I heard that!” Crunch’s voice echoed in from the living room.

  Jones laughed. “Want to go watch the game?”

  He might have thought avoidance was the best way to process this, but she was waiting for one of them to get angry at her. About anything, even something stupid. Jones hollered at Crunch all the time when they were talking smack to each other. All the men were consistently nice to her. Even when she was beating the shit out of them or blacking out or abruptly leaving the room without a word. What would it take for them to do something to make her feel like she wasn’t a china doll?

  Caroline sighed. “Okay.”

  His smile faded. They may not have wanted to yell at her, but they always knew when she wasn’t feeling right. She hardly ever smiled anymore but most of the time she could pretend to be on an even keel. Jones squeezed her hand. “I’m not too good at talking, but I can listen,” he said. “So, you know, if you ever need to talk. Do you want to talk?”

  The trifecta was complete. Crunch had asked and Jones had followed. Gabe hadn’t really brought it up but his behavior screamed out that he wanted her to open up to him. She was disinclined to do anything of the sort. “Not really,” she said softly.

  “Well, if you change your mind, let me know.”