by Cassia Leo
starts coming down again.”
“Yeah, you don’t want to get caught in the snow with that nerd-mobile.”
I roll my eyes as I tuck my umbrella under my arm and look up at him nervously. “Goodbye, Adam.”
“Goodbye, Claire.”
As I walk to my car, I feel that final thread of uncertainty unraveling and falling away behind me. I lay the wooden sign and the umbrella on the backseat then I sit in the driver’s seat and smile. Adam is happy and so am I. What more could I ask for out of this trip?
Then I see the grocery bag on the passenger seat and I remember the pregnancy test. It’s time to go home.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Adam
I walk back into Cora’s apartment and Lindsay is gently placing Kaia in Cora’s arms while Bigfoot purrs and rubs himself against Lindsay’s legs, having been banished to the floor.
Cora’s eyebrows shoot up as she holds Kaia. “Look at you, pretty girl.”
I can see Lindsay struggling with whether or not she should adjust Kaia’s head, which is lolling to the side over Cora’s arm. Kaia’s eyes are unfocused until I come closer to kneel down next to the chair and she sees me. Her arms go stiff as she flails them around, the way she does when she’s excited. I let her latch onto my finger to calm her down.
“Want to play some poker, Cora?” I ask.
Cora lightly taps Kaia’s chin and Kaia reaches for Cora’s finger. “I think I’m going to take a nap soon. I’ve seen too much excitement for a girl my age.”
Lindsay shoots up from the sofa to take Kaia from Cora, and I get a whiff of her perfume. It’s the same beachy scent she’s worn since I met her more than two years ago. I’ve smelled that perfume for weeks now, but it seems warmer today. She grabs Kaia to pick her up, but I put my hand on her hand to stop her.
“I’ll take her.”
She looks at my hand on hers, but she doesn’t move. “Are you sure?”
Cora answers for me. “Of course, look at her reaching for her daddy.”
My eyes shoot up at this remark, but Cora’s eyes are fixed on Kaia’s face—and Kaia is reaching for me. I scoop Kaia up in my arms and she mashes her face into my chest looking for something to suck on.
I laugh as I watch her growing more frustrated with my lack of milk. “Can I borrow one of yours?” I ask Lindsay.
Her eyes widen with shock. “Is there somewhere I can feed her? I have to save the bottle I pumped for when we’re at the restaurant.”
“I’m sure Cora won’t mind if you feed her in the bedroom. Is that all right with you Cora?” I ask and Cora seems a little confused for a moment.
“Oh, you want to breastfeed her? Of course, you can lie down in my bed. That’s how I used to do it with my kids. Be a good boy and show her where it is.”
I nod toward the hallway and Lindsay follows me as I lead her into Cora’s bedroom, which is just as bare as the living room. Everything is packed away except for her furniture, the bed linens, and one lamp.
Lindsay sits down on the edge of the bed and immediately begins unbuttoning her blouse. I can’t tear my eyes away as she unsnaps the clasp over her breastbone and peels away the fabric covering her left breast. I glance down at Kaia before I hand her over, and she’s asleep in my arms.
“She’s asleep,” I say, trying not to stare at Lindsay’s chest, but my eyes keep falling.
“Really? I don’t know if I should let her sleep or wake her up. I want her to sleep through dinner.”
Gently, I set Kaia down in the center of the mattress then I can’t help but watch as Lindsay gets dressed. She stands from the bed and glances at Kaia before she looks me in the eye.
“Why do you look at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you want to touch me.”
I take a step closer to her so our noses are inches apart. “Because I do want to touch you,” I say, my hand slowly inching forward until it finds her face. She closes her eyes as I sweep her hair back over her shoulder, exposing her neck. I lay a soft kiss on her jaw then whisper in her ear, “But not here.”
Dinner with Lindsay’s mom and stepdad goes well, as I knew it would. Lillian loved me until the very end when she became convinced I was never going to propose to Lindsay. She must think that me inviting Lindsay and Kaia to come to Australia with me in January and March means that Lindsay and I are back together. I told Lindsay that she could tell her mom whatever she needs to about our relationship to get her blessing. If that means telling her that we’re back together, I’m fine with that. At this point, I’m willing to do pretty much anything not to miss out on the important moments in Kaia’s life.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to her,” Lindsay says.
The snow is coming down again now that we’re only twenty minutes from Durham. The rumbling sound of the snow chains tearing over the highway is so loud, I’m not sure whether I misheard her or I don’t understand what she means.
“What are you talking about?”
“Claire. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything when she spoke to me at Cora’s house. I just froze.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t expect you two to have a long conversation while painting each other’s toenails.”
“I know, but I could have said something. I just couldn’t get my mouth to work. She’s stunning and she wears her heart on her sleeve. I can see why you fell for her.” She waits for me to respond, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. “Adam?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still love her?”
“Yeah, I do, but not the way I used to. I just want the best for her, the same way I want the best for you and Kaia.”
She sighs and I take my eyes off the road for a moment to look at her. She’s leaning her head back against the headrest with her eyes closed. A tear rolls down her temple and down the side of her face. I reach across and brush my thumb across her temple.
“I’m sorry,” she says as she pushes my hand away from her face. “I’m sitting here thinking of how horrible it is that Nathan has been gone for less than two months and I’m already trying to figure out how to tell you that I’m in love with you.”
I stare at the road in front of me, focusing on keeping my tires aligned with the tracks of the car in front of me. I rub my right thumb and index finger together, as if the moisture from her tears will give me some clue as to what to say.
I love Kaia and I will always love Lindsay for being my friend and for allowing me to be a part of Kaia’s life. I don’t know if that longing I’ve been feeling to touch her and to kiss her is because I love her or because it’s been more than two months since I’ve felt that closeness with anyone. With so much uncertainty, I don’t want to lead Lindsay on. But I also don’t want to unnecessarily reject her if what I’m feeling is real.
“I don’t know how to feel about that,” I say, as I reach for her hand and lace my fingers through hers. “I do love you, but I don’t know if I can trust that feeling or if it’s the same kind of love that we shared before. All I know is that I don’t want you to go and the thought of you being with someone else makes me physically sick. I just think we should take this slow… for Kaia’s sake.”
She squeezes my hand and nods. “You’re right. I just had to say it aloud because it’s been driving me crazy, watching you with Kaia and making plans to go to your competitions. Letting you pay my rent. I just…. I know you do it mostly for Kaia—”
“I do it for you, too. I wouldn’t pay your rent or invite you to travel the world, and I would never have dinner with your parents just for Kaia. I need someone to laugh at my jokes and, no matter how many times I try to teach her, Kaia still can’t say ‘Who’s there?’”
We’re both silent for a while until we almost reach her house and she speaks again. “Remember the time we took my niece, Shayla, to the beach last year and you saved her from drowning?”
She runs her fingertips over the back of my hand and forearm as she talks an
d it sends chills through me. She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She did it all the time while we were together, whenever we watched a movie or went on long car rides. It’s one of the things I missed the most after we broke up.
“Yeah, I remember.”
“She asked me about you the other day. She said her mom made her take swimming lessons and now she’s going to start swimming competitively. She wanted me to tell you that.”
I pull into her driveway and she sets off to unlock the front door while I get Kaia and her car seat out of the car. When we walk into the house, it’s almost colder inside than it is outside.
“Is your heater not working?” I ask.
I set the car seat on the dining table and begin unbuckling the straps over Kaia’s torso. I gently scoop her up and quickly grab the blanket she was lying on top of so I can cover her up.
“The thermostat stopped working yesterday.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have fixed it today. Kaia can’t sleep in this.”
“She slept with me last night so we could keep each other warm. It was kind of nice.”
“Fuck that. Get your stuff and I’ll take you guys to my apartment. I’ll fix the thermostat tomorrow.”
After we get to my apartment and Kaia is settled into my bed, Lindsay disappears into the bathroom to change into her pajamas and get ready for bed. When she comes out of the bathroom, I can’t help but smile when I see what she’s wearing.
“You still have that shirt?” I say, referring to the Duke T-shirt she stole from me when we first started dating, before we moved in together, because she wanted to feel close to me while she slept.
“Yes, and I hope you don’t think it’s weird, but I’ve been wearing it every night since we broke up. Nathan didn’t know it was yours.”
“Have you at least washed it?” I ask and she rolls her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. You look hot in that shirt no matter how filthy it is.”
Grabbing her hand, I pull her toward me. She clutches the front of my shirt as she looks up into my eyes. My heart thumps against my chest as I hold her face and slowly lean in to kiss her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Claire
I call Chris when I’m a few minutes from the apartment to see if he’s home. When I pull into the underground parking space, he’s leaning against a concrete column waiting for me. I park the car and he opens my door, as if he can’t wait for me to do it myself. I look up at him and he looks a little scared, like he expects me to blurt out that I’m leaving him for Adam.
I smile at him and sigh as he smiles back. “I’m so happy to be home,” I say as I grab my purse, where the pregnancy test is tucked safely inside.
Stepping out of the car, I wrap my arms around his waist as I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck. He feels so solid and warm.
“You said what you needed to say?” he asks as he takes my car keys and activates the car alarm.
I grab his hand as we walk toward the elevator. “Yeah. And I promised Cora I would visit her in Idaho. Is that okay?”
“Of course. Anything you want is okay.”
“Anything?”
He presses the call button for the elevator and grins. “What are you thinking?”
My stomach clenches inside me as I think of the pregnancy test in my purse. “Chris, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I want to be one hundred percent honest with you. I don’t want us to have any more secrets.”
The elevator doors slide open and he looks worried as I pull him into the cabin. “What is it you want to tell me?”
“I’m late.”
His brow furrows as he attempts to work out what this means. “Do you mean… your period is late?”
I nod and take a deep breath. “It’s probably nothing because we’ve been pretty careful, but I got a test just to be sure. I’m going to take it right now.”
“Wow….”
I look down at the floor. “I didn’t want to tell you because of everything that happened with Abigail. But on the way here I realized that I can’t keep stuff like that from you any more. Even if we’re disappointed or surprised by the results, we should face this stuff together, right?”
He stares into my eyes for a moment, not saying anything, and I begin to worry that maybe I shouldn’t have told him. Finally, his lips curl into a faint, guarded smile, as if he’s trying not to smile.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying if I said that the idea of you carrying my baby doesn’t make me want to jump in the air and click my heels together.”
I laugh as I imagine this. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up either. Hell, I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“Is that what you want? Do you want to have a baby?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think I’m ready right now. But I will admit I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days and… I keep thinking of how having you with me this time would make everything so different than the last time. And I want that. I want to share that with you.”
The elevator doors open and we’re silent as we make our way down the corridor to our apartment. He opens the door and I breathe in the scent of home. I love that smell. I set my purse down on the kitchen counter and Chris joins me in the kitchen after he locks the front door.
He helps me out of my coat then looks me in the eye. “Go ahead and take the test and we’ll talk about it after that. Whatever the result, we’re in it together this time, so you have nothing to worry about.”
I kiss him before I disappear into the bathroom and attempt not to freak out as I read the instructions for the test. I follow the instructions then set the test on the counter. I consider waiting in the bathroom, but I don’t think I could sit alone in here for five minutes. I wash my hands and go out to join Chris in the bedroom.
“You’re done?” he asks as he pulls off his shirt.
“No. I have a few minutes to wait, but I didn’t want to wait in there.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and he sits next to me. “Are you nervous?”
“Yes.”
“This is probably something we should discuss, even if you’re not pregnant.”
“What do you want to discuss?”
“What would happen? With school and with us.”
“What do you mean? What do you think would happen to us?”
“I don’t mean we’d break up, but we can’t raise a baby in an apartment.”
“I guess we’d have to move.”
“But what about school?”
I pause as I recall the conversation I had with Dr. Goldberg a couple of weeks ago that ended with me scheduling an appointment with an academic advisor. I’ve been holding off on telling Chris because I wanted to save the news for a special moment. New Year’s Eve seemed like the perfect time to tell him, but I wonder if right now would be better.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks with a smile.
I try not to grin too broadly. “I’ll tell you later. I have to go check the results now.”
“Can I go in there with you?”
“Of course.”
My hand trembles as I grab the test off the vanity in the bathroom and hold it up for both of us to see: One pink line. Not two.
“I’m not pregnant.”
I toss the test into the small trashcan next to the toilet and head for the door, but Chris grabs my hand to stop me from leaving.
“Are you disappointed?” he asks.
I turn to face him and the confused look on his face makes my stomach cramp. “I know it’s stupid because we’re totally not ready for a baby, but yeah. I’m disappointed. I’ve been fantasizing about what it would be like, and I know it won’t be perfect. I know it will remind us of Abigail, but I also know it would be beautiful. I just really wanted to see that joy that I saw on your face when you held Abigail.”
“I love that you said that.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re thinking of
my happiness. You’re always thinking of me.”
For some reason, him saying this aloud makes me blush with embarrassment, as if he’s just undressed my soul. He’s right, I’m always thinking of his happiness. I don’t think I even notice when I’m doing it.
“That’s because you’re my real life hero,” I say as I drape my arms over his shoulders and rest my forehead against his. “How do you feel? Are you disappointed?”
“Yes, but I know as long as I keep studying and drinking my Capri-Sun, I’ll grow up big and strong and we’ll make lots of babies.”
He kisses the tip of my nose and I lick his chin. “Yum,” I murmur. He chuckles as he locks his arms around my waist, then I wrap my legs around his hips as he lifts me off the floor. “Ooh, you don’t need Capri-Sun. You’re already strong.”
I rest my head on his shoulder as he carries me out of the bathroom and walks straight through the bedroom toward the kitchen.
“It would have been nice to be surprised with a baby,” he says as he sits me on top of the kitchen counter then goes to the refrigerator. “But I have a surprise I think you’ll like just as much.”
He opens the refrigerator and pulls out a box of Capri-Sun. He sets it next to me on the countertop and starts taking out every pouch of juice in the box.
“I’m not really into that stuff like you are,” I say and he smiles as he removes the last pouch.
He reaches into the box again and pulls out a small black box. “My mom wanted me to give you this for Christmas, but you hadn’t proposed to me yet so I thought the songbook would be better.” He lifts the lid on the box revealing a gold necklace with a teardrop pearl pendant suspended in the center of a diamond-encrusted gold ring. This is the necklace I’ve seen Jackie wear on special occasions. “You know both my grandparents are gone, but this was my grandmother’s wedding ring. My mom had it made into a necklace after my grandma died so she could keep it close to her heart. She wants you to use it as your wedding ring.”
I rub my finger over the smooth pearl and smile. “It’s beautiful, but we haven’t even set a date.”
“It’s okay. She still needs to take it to the jeweler so he can take out the pendant and turn it back into a ring. Do you want it?”
I nod and he replaces the lid on the box then sets it aside. “Well, that takes care of the ‘something old’ part. Now we just need something new, borrowed, and blue.”
“When do you want to get married?”
He shrugs as he puts the drinks back into the box. “Your birthday’s in seven months, but it will be too hot to get married in August. Maybe we could do it in April then my birthday gift will come early when I take you on the honeymoon during Spring Break.”
Chris’s birthday is in May, but he doesn’t know that I’ve been planning a much better gift than a honeymoon during Spring Break.
“April sounds good,” I reply. “It’s not going to be a huge wedding. We can totally put it together in three months.”
He puts the box of Capri-Sun back in the fridge then he grabs my knees and spreads my legs apart. He grins as he wraps his arms around me and slides me forward until my butt is on the edge of the counter. “I honestly don’t care where, when, or how we get married as long as it’s just you and me and the people we love. No reporters or photographers or hundreds of people we don’t know.”
I run my fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes. “I’ll ask Senia and