by Cassia Leo
“Okay, well, good luck tomorrow. I will pray for your soul.”
“And Tristan’s, too,” Senia adds excitedly.
“I don’t need to pray for Tristan with you there to protect him.”
“Damn right. See you in Vegas, baby.”
“See you Tuesday.”
After I end the call with Senia, I see the notification on my screen of a new text from Adam. I touch the notification and his text is short, but it still puts me on edge.
Adam: See you then.
I set my phone on the coffee table again and I don’t give Chris a chance to say anything before I kiss him. I trace my tongue along his top lip and I smile as I taste the berry-flavored Capri-Sun he was drinking earlier.
“Why are you smiling?” he says as he leans his head back.
“Because you taste good.”
“You’re making me hungry.”
“You want me to make you something?” I ask as I sit up.
“I’m not hungry for food,” he replies, his hand sliding underneath my shirt as he pulls me toward him.
Once again, I remember the pregnancy test I’m dying to take to ease my mind and I grab his hand to stop it from moving further up.
“What’s wrong?” he murmurs as he kisses my neck.
“Nothing. I just thought we were going to watch a movie.”
He looks up at me and smiles. “Okay, I can take a hint.”
“No, it’s not like that.”
If I say no to sex right now, he may think it’s because I just spoke to Adam. Not that I don’t want to have sex with Chris, I would just rather not do it while worrying whether I’m knocked up.
“Then what is it?”
“Nothing. I’m just worried about something right now and it has nothing to do with Adam or Cora. I can’t really talk about it, but I promise I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow. Is that okay?”
“Of course, it’s okay.”
I run my fingers through his dark hair and he closes his eyes as he begins to relax. “Tell me again what the plan is for Sunday.”
“We’re flying out to San Francisco and we’re going to rent a car to go see your dad. Then we’re staying the night in the hotel and we’re flying out to Vegas Monday morning.”
“Rachel wants me to be there by noon on Monday. She said she arranged a lunch for me, her, and Jackie.”
“A bachelorette party?”
“That’s what I said, but Rachel didn’t think it was funny.”
“Good, because you’re not a bachelorette. You’re mine.”
“Well, we’re not married yet, so technically I am still a bachelorette.”
He opens his eyes and his expression is serious. “You just said that ring on your finger means everything. Or does it only mean something when it comes with a marriage license?”
I swallow hard. “It does mean everything. I was only kidding about being a bachelorette.”
“I’m not trying to scare you. I just want to be clear about this before you leave tomorrow.”
“Shit.”
“What?”
“Are you having doubts about me going to Cora’s tomorrow?”
“I don’t know. I trust you. I just don’t know if I trust him.”
“I think you should come with me.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I grab his ears and he smiles. “Don’t do that.”
His ears are the only place on his body where he’s ticklish. “Come with me and I’ll let go.”
“Claire, let go of my ears.”
I lean forward and blow in his left ear and he squirms under me. “Come with me.”
“I’m not coming with you. This is something you have to do without me. I swear I trust you.” He slides his hands up my shirt and chuckles as he grabs both my breasts. “But if he tries to touch you, you have to promise you’ll tell me. And then you’ll have to promise to visit me in jail after I murder him.”
He smiles as he squeezes my breasts as if they’re car horns. “Ow! That hurts,” I protest as I push his hands down.
“Why does it hurt? Are you okay?”
Oh, no.
My mind draws back to the memory of the first time I felt the tenderness in my breasts when I was pregnant with Abigail. I was putting on my bra while getting ready to go to a party with Senia. I didn’t know what it meant at the time. I thought it was just a symptom of PMS.
“It always happens before my period.”
“I don’t remember that happening when we were together before. Is that because… because of Abigail?”
Two days. Two days late is not a big deal. Don’t worry him.
“I don’t know, but it’s nothing to worry about,” I say as I stand from the sofa and hold my hand out to him. “Let’s go to bed.”
“It’s only 6:30.”
“Then don’t forget your Capri-Sun so you can rehydrate. We’ve got lots of studying to do.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Claire
Chris sends me off on my road trip with a long, deep kiss that he knows will not be soon forgotten. As I pull onto the highway, I’m reminded of the few times Adam drove from Wrightsville Beach to Chapel Hill to see me in the dorm. I wonder if he’s driving on this same road right now. If we were friends, we could have carpooled.
The thought of Adam and me not being friends makes me sad.
Turning on the stereo, I smile when I hear the end of “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie. Chris taught me to play this song on the guitar when I was seventeen. It took him almost eight weeks to teach me a song he learned to play by ear in a couple of days. Sometimes, I forget how talented and driven he is and how lucky I am that his heart belongs to me.
I make a stop at a grocery store in Wilmington to get Cora some flowers and a card, and to get myself a pregnancy test. I consider going into the grocery store bathroom to get the test over with, but the thought of pissing on a stick in a public restroom just seems wrong. Besides, now that I have the test, I can wait until I get home where I can break the news to Chris in person should the test come up positive.
The light patches of snow along the edge of the highway clear up the further I get from Chapel Hill and the closer I get to the coastline. Shrugging off my coat, I turn up the heater so I can feel more comfortable. I turn on my phone and plug it into the car stereo to listen to some music. My phone screen displays a new text from Chris.
Chris: I made you a playlist to listen to while you’re driving. No texting and driving. I love you.
I smile as I keep my eyes half-focused on the road and open up my music app to see the playlist. None of the songs on the list are his, but they’re all songs that mean something to us.
The first song on the list is “I Want You” by The Beatles, which was the song he was playing on the guitar when I walked into his living room nearly six years ago. The second song is “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel; the first song he played for me that same day. The third song on the list makes me laugh: “Crank That (Souljah Boy).” Chris and Tristan had a contest to see who could do the Souljah Boy dance better. Jake and I both agreed that Chris won and Tristan ended up destroying all the video evidence because he thought he was robbed.
The next song on the list makes my heart leap into my throat. It’s a cover of “Falling Slowly” by Kris Allen. He used to make fun of me for watching American Idol, and he pretended to be jealous whenever I rooted for Kris Allen. Then he asked the DJ at my senior prom to play this song for us to dance to.
The rest of the playlist has me laughing and weeping. Ultimately, I think the playlist does what I’m sure Chris intended for it to do: to help me remember how much he loves me and how far we’ve come. And how I’ll never do anything to risk breaking us again.
My stomach begins to ache the moment I pull into the parking lot of Cora’s apartment complex and I see Adam’s truck. It’s funny how inanimate objects can prompt such emotional reactions. After I broke up with Chris, I neve
r knew when I was going to get punched in the gut by a memory. One minute I’d be sailing smoothly through life and the next, I’d see a restaurant we once frequented or I’d get a whiff of something that smelled like him, and the whole world is turned upside down.
Pulling into the parking space next to Adam’s truck, I pause to take a few deep breaths. This is nothing like the last time I visited Cora, when Adam surprised me by coming back from Hawaii early. Everything has changed in the two months since that day. I got to hold Abigail in my arms. Chris finished recording his album. I got engaged three days ago.
I hold up my left hand to look at the ring. I told Chris that this ring means everything, but the truth is that it’s just a ring. Without this ring, I still belong to Chris. I always have.
I slide out of the driver’s seat and the asphalt is wet from the rain. Luckily, the carport above me provides some protection, but I have to get my umbrella out of the backseat so I can make it across the parking lot without getting drenched. I step out of the car and see Adam coming out of Cora’s front door with an umbrella. He sees the umbrella in my hand and stops.
Reaching back into the front seat, I grab the bouquet of flowers and the greeting card. I slam the door shut and pop open my umbrella. Staring at the ground, I cross the parking lot toward the apartment. As soon as I reach the shelter of the eves, I let down my umbrella and shake off the rainwater.
“I didn’t know if you brought an umbrella,” Adam says, and his voice sounds different, deeper.
“Thanks,” I say as I close my umbrella and walk toward Cora’s open front door.
I stop at the threshold, shocked to see Lindsay sitting on the side of the sofa closest to Cora’s armchair. Her baby is asleep in a car seat at her feet. She looks at me and smiles; a faint, uncomfortable smile.
“Are you okay?” Adam asks from behind me.
I nod as I step inside and try not to think about why Adam would bring Lindsay here today. The room is really warm, but I don’t remove my coat. I have a feeling I won’t be here very long.
I lean down and kiss Cora’s fuzzy cheek and she giggles. “Claire, did they tell you I’m flying the coop?”
“Yes, they did,” I reply, setting the flowers and the card on her TV tray table as I squat down next to Cora’s armchair. “Are you happy to be leaving?”
“Oh, well, a girl my age can’t ask for too much. You’ll see when you get older. You learn to accept the simple pleasures people offer, like a warm bed and a different flavor of Cream o’ Wheat every day. I’m going to get to see my great-grandkids for the first time ever.”
Grabbing her hand, I try to not think of the possibility of Cora living in a place where she’s not treated like the angel she is. It eases my mind a little to know that Chris will take me to visit her in Idaho whenever I want.
“I think I know what you mean,” I say as I kiss her hand then reach across to pet Bigfoot, who’s sleeping in her lap.
When I scratch behind his ears, he wakes up and lazily stretches his limbs. I glance at Lindsay and Adam and they’re both looking at the ring on my finger. I remove my hand from Bigfoot’s head and hide it away.
“Where’s Senia?” Cora asks.
“She couldn’t make it. She’s coming to see you on Thursday. She has some big news to share with you.”
“What kind of news? You can’t keep secrets from a lady my age. I may not wake up tomorrow.”
“Don’t say that,” Adam and I both say at the same time.
“Oh, don’t you worry about me. I’m not afraid to die. I’m more afraid to live till I’m so old I can’t remember my kids’ names.”
“Senia’s having a baby,” I say, and the way Cora’s eye’s crinkle up even more when she smiles just makes me want to cry.
“Senia and Eddie are having a baby!” she says, her voice a bit more energetic now.
“No, not Senia and Eddie. Senia and Tristan.”
I grit my teeth and force myself not to look at Adam. I can sense his tension from six feet away.
“I don’t know Tristan. Who’s he?” Cora asks, her white, wispy eyebrows scrunching together in confusion.
“Tristan is her new boyfriend,” I say.
This is a tiny white lie. Tristan and Senia may not be together now, but they have a romantic trip to Vegas in a couple of days, that may change everything before Senia visits Cora. I have to give Tristan and her the benefit of the doubt that they will make this work. I still can’t believe she’s pregnant.
I nearly reach down to touch my abdomen before I realize where I am. “Cora, I want you to know that you’ve been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a grandmother,” I say, and as much as I don’t want to cry in front of Lindsay, the tears come immediately.
“Honey, don’t say stuff like that or you’ll make me cry.”
“It’s true. I don’t think you understand how much your friendship meant to me when I moved here.” I try not to think of the nights I spent sitting on the bathroom floor when I first moved to Wrightsville. “Your kindness…. Taking care of you gave me something to look forward to. Thank you for being my friend.”
I feel so uncomfortable saying these things in front of everyone, but my need to say this far surpasses my embarrassment.
“Claire, dear, can you put those flowers in some water for me.” I quickly stand up and grab the flowers off the tray table. “And while you’re in there, I have something for you on the counter next to the phone.”
I wipe away the tears as I make my way to the kitchen. The first thing I see on the counter is the wooden sign that usually hangs on Cora’s front door.
Where we love is home.
I take a deep breath in a vain attempt to stifle the tears. Reaching into her cupboard, I pull down a tall glass and fill it with water. I remove the plastic film from the flowers and stick the bouquet in the water, grabbing the wooden sign off the counter as I make my way back to the living room.
I set the flowers on the tray table and Cora smiles. “I love mums. Did you pick those?”
“I sure did. I got you a card, too, but you can read that when I’m gone.” I don’t want her to read what I wrote inside the card in front of everybody. “I should probably get going. They say it’s supposed to snow later this afternoon and I’m driving home alone.”
“So soon?” Cora protests gently.
“I’m sorry. I don’t have snow chains. I haven’t been driving very much lately now that I’m on break.”
And Chris drives me everywhere I need to go.
“Okay, honey, you have a safe trip,” Cora says with a grin that lights up the room.
“I’m sure I’ll visit you in Idaho soon. You can count on that.”
“I would love that. Get those straight ‘A’s and tell Senia I miss her.”
I don’t bother reminding her that Senia is coming on Thursday. It will be a nice surprise for her.
I give her a long hug and, as much as I try to fight it, the tears come again along with a painful lump in my throat. Cora is the last thing tying me to Wrightsville. Once she’s gone, I won’t have any reason to come back here.
“I’m going to miss you so much, Cora,” I whisper. “I’ll make sure to call Tina to get all your addresses and phone numbers.”
I smooth her hair back and her eyes are brimming with tears. I kiss her forehead then kiss the top of Bigfoot’s head. I try not to think horrible things like the fact that this may be the last time I’ll see her alive. Instead, I think of how happy she’ll be to finally see all her family after all these years. I have to be happy for her. Cora’s going home.
I stand up, letting the wooden sign dangle from my arm as I make my way toward the door.
Adam quickly follows. “I’ll walk you out.”
I turn to Lindsay and she appears even more uncomfortable than when I first walked in. “It was nice seeing you again,” I say to her and she smiles without saying a word as I reach for the doorknob.
I open the door and a stiff winter br
eeze sweeps over me. I grab the umbrella I left outside as Adam closes the front door behind him. I don’t move. I just stare at the rain pounding the pavement in the parking lot and wondering how much change and heartache one person can endure in a lifetime.
“Are you okay to drive back?” he asks, and I turn around to face him.
It’s strange the things we notice about someone when we’re no longer in love with them. He’s wearing a Duke hoodie and some jeans. I didn’t realize it until now, but he never wore any Duke sweatshirts or T-shirts when we were together. I don’t know if he did it out of respect for me, but I never noticed this until now.
“I’m fine,” I reply. “I didn’t know you were going to bring Lindsay. I thought that maybe you and I could talk, but….”
“But, what? We can still talk. I only brought Lindsay because I’m taking her to her parents in Carolina Beach and Cora’s house is on the way. I didn’t bring her here because I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I just feel like everything has gotten so awkward between us. I hate it.”
I wipe the last remnants of tears from my cheeks and Adam cringes a little when he sees my finger. I quickly tuck my hand inside my coat pocket, but it’s too late.
“You’re getting married?”
I nod my head and try to think of an appropriate response to this. I don’t want to say something about how happy I am or anything that will seem like I’m rubbing the engagement in his face. But I am happy; so happy it scares me.
“How have you been?” I ask and he smiles.
“I’m putting in my notice on January first. I got sponsored.”
“That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you.” I want to hug him because that’s what you do when a friend tells you something like that. Instead, I dig my hand further into my coat pocket and tighten my grip on the umbrella in my other hand. “So… does that mean you’re going on tour?”
He nods and the way he looks at me makes me think we’ve run out of safe things to talk about. That must be it because all I can think right now is that he had to let me go to get everything he ever wanted.
“Claire, I want you to know that I meant it when I said you’ll always own a piece of me.”
I bite my lip to keep from crying, but it doesn’t work. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For not being the person we both thought I was. I’m sorry you met me when you did.”
“You don’t have to apologize. We were both running away without knowing where the hell we were running to. And I swear I’m okay. I’m better than okay.” He smiles and this time the smile reaches every part of his face. “I think I needed you to show me that I do have it in me to forgive, not just others, but myself. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who fucked up when I went to Hawaii, but I don’t regret it. I only have one regret.”
“What’s that?”
“The last time you came here to Cora’s, when you got out of your car and walked toward the apartment, I was watching you from the window. I saw how happy you were—like, really happy—and in those few seconds, I knew that you had probably already moved on with Chris. I should have left you alone instead of confusing you even more. I apologize for that.”
I take a deep breath and I realize that not only has the rain stopped falling. “Thank you for calling me to come here. I know that must have been difficult for you. I hope… Good luck in Australia. I mean it when I say I’m happy for you.”
“I know. Congratulations on the engagement.”
I glance toward my car and smile. “I guess I should get going before it