by Renee Ahdieh
08:46.59…INPUT IRRELEVANT TO DELIVERY/RECEIPT SUBROUTINE MISSION PARAMETERS
08:47:00…AUTONAV ROUTE; ENGAGE MOTORS
—
09:12.07…ARRIVE DESTINATION: MAINTENANCE UNIT SECTOR AA-345
09:12.10…PROXIMITY SENSORS: Bioform detected.
09:12.12…IDENTIFY BIOFORM: Designation TK-421. Security Level: Lambda.
“That was quick, G7. Fastest mouse droid in the fleet. It’s those new rotors I put in, I’m telling you. You know what: We should get you on a racing circuit. Would you like that?”
09:12.15…BIOFORM QUERY “would you like that” LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“That transfer comes through, G7, I’ll take you with me. That’s a promise. Me to you. We get ourselves set up on Coruscant, paint some racing stripes on you, and we start raking in the credits. You just wait, buddy. You’ll see.”
09:13.33…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “you just wait buddy you’ll see” LOGGED. SYNTACTICAL ANALYSIS: RHETORICAL. NO RESPONSE REQUIRED
“We’re trapped on this station, G7. That’s the truth of it. Oh, don’t get me wrong: sure, aesthetically? It’s great here. Clean lines, nice soothing gray color palette, and the lighting’s, like, seriously flattering. When I was stationed on Lasan, they were all about overhead lighting. Ucch. Can you imagine?”
09:14.00…BIOFORM QUERY “can you imagine” LOGGED. SYNTACTICAL ANALYSIS: RHETORICAL. NO RESPONSE REQUIRED
“We went around all the time looking so…sallow. It was depressing. But this, here? Lighting the walls, not the ceilings? That’s smart. That’s Imperial engineering at work. If I get us that place on Coruscant, G7, I’m definitely gonna go with this…this whole…lighting scheme. You know, these long…thin, uh, vertical…wall-ovals, I guess you’d call them? Absolutely.
“And yeah: moon-sized planet vaporizer. I get it. I’m not saying that it’s not sexy, living on a giant orbital death machine. But there’s no downtime, is the thing. You’re always on. All these drills, these last-minute inspections. I hate having to wear this helmet all the time. I mean, it’s so so so so bad for the skin, G7, you have no idea. Just look at this.”
09:15.02…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “just look at this” LOGGED. SYNTACTICAL ANALYSIS: IMPERATIVE. RESPONSE REQUIRED: ENGAGE HOLORECORDER
“I mean I could get in trouble just for taking this stupid bucket off, but this is what I’m talking about. I mean, this zit here on my chin? It’s the size of a Kowakian monkey-lizard, honestly. Ugh, I feel so gross. Don’t look at me!”
09:15.56…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “don’t look at me” LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: DISENGAGE HOLORECORDER
“Anyway. I’m rambling. Log delivery of cargo. Enter standby mode.”
09:16.43…MULTIPLE BIOFORM VOICE COMMANDS LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: LOG DELIVERY OF CARGO WITH DS-1OBS DATABASE. STANDBY MODE ENTERED
—
13:31.04…PROXIMITY SENSORS: Bioform detected.
13:31.05…IDENTIFY BIOFORM: Designation TK-421. Security Level: Lambda.
“Wake up, G7.”
13:31.09…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “wake up G7” LOGGED. EXIT STANDBY MODE. RESPONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“Open.”
13:35.45…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “open” LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: DISENGAGE LOCK, OPEN DORSAL DOORS
“Deliver to the Detention Level.”
13:44.09…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “deliver to the detention level” LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: CARGO DELIVERY/RECEIPT SUBROUTINE
13:44.15…CARGO RECEIVED FROM BIOFORM TK-421
13:44.18…CLOSE DORSAL DOORS, ENGAGE LOCK
13:44.28…ENGAGE INTERNAL SENSORS
13:44.35…CARGO IDENTIFIED: Replacement IT-O Interrogator Droid HypnoHypodermal Injector Needle C-7R
13:44.39…AUTONAV ROUTE; ENGAGE MOTORS
—
14:59.04…ARRIVE DESTINATION: Detention Block AA-23
14:59.35…PROXIMITY SENSORS: Recipient detected. IT-O interrogator droid also detected.
14:59.40…IDENTIFY RECIPIENT: Designation unknown. Security Level: Gamma.
“There you are. You had better be carrying my infuser needle, rat-droid. I put in that order two subcycles ago. Such delays are unforgivable! He’s on his way now! Well? Open up, open up.”
14:59.49…RECIPIENT VOICE COMMAND “open up open up” LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: DISENGAGE LOCK, OPEN DORSAL DOORS
“Finally! You’re lucky. I’ll have just enough time to install it before he gets here. Because of you, I have to hurry. If I’d had to delay this interrogation because of your rank incompetence—”
15:00.00…PROXIMITY SENSORS: Bioform approaching from south corridor turbolift. Arrival in 00:00.10.
“That’s him! Go! Get out! Quickly!”
15:00.03…PROTOCOL CONFLICT. PROTOCOL CONFLICT. 1. CARGO/DELIVERY SUBROUTINE EXPRESSLY REQUIRES HOLORECORDED ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF RECEIPT OF CARGO BY RECIPIENT. 2. BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “go get out quickly” LOGGED. REQUIRES RESPONSE
RESOLUTION OF CONFLICT: BIOFORM ISSUING VOICE COMMAND “go get out quickly” HOLDS GAMMA-LEVEL CLEARANCE; SUPERSEDES LAMBDA-LEVEL CARGO/DELIVERY SUBROUTINE
RESPONSE REQUIRED: IMMEDIATE RETURN TO MAINTENANCE UNIT, SECTOR AA-345, TOP SPEED
15:00.05…AUTONAV ROUTE; ENGAGE MOTORS, FULL THROTTLE
—
“Uuulp!”
15:00.09…ALERT INCIDENT REPORT: COLLISION EN ROUTE…ALERT INCIDENT REPORT: COLLISION EN ROUTE…ALERT DAMAGE TO MSE-6 UNIT INCURRED
“Sir! Are you hurt?”
15:00.15…COLLISION OBJECT: Previously detected approaching bioform.
15:00.17…IDENTIFY BIOFORM: Designation unknown. SECURITY LEVEL: Alpha One. STATUS: Prone.
15:00.18…ALERT: CATASTROPHIC DAMAGE TO HOLORECORDER MATRIX DETECTED
15:00.19…RUN DAMAGE ASSESSMENT SELF-DIAGNOSTIC:
DESIGNATION: MSE-6-G735Y
FUNCTION: Delivery/Repair
ASSIGNED TO: Maintenance Unit, Sector AA-345, DS-1 Orbital Battle Station
SYSTEMS CHECK:
Modular Circuit Matrix Processor: Optimal
Proximity Sensors: SUBOPTIMAL
Internal Bay Sensors: Optimal
Dorsal Doors: Optimal
Holorecorder: SUBOPTIMAL: CATASTROPHIC MALFUNCTION IMMINENT
Dynadrive 9-ES Motors: Optimal
Wheels: Left front tread depth SUBOPTIMAL; will require replacement in 30 cycles
“What—what happened?”
“I’m sorry, sir. That MSE-6 unit just…it ran straight into you. At top speed. No idea why. Must have a bad motivator. I’m very sorry, sir.”
“Uch. Beastly things, mouse droids. Always scuttering underfoot. Why did it—”
“I’ll have it melted down for scrap, sir, and the trooper who dispatched it in this sorry condition punished most severely.”
“…Yes. Yes, do that. Gross incompetence.”
“Let me help you up, sir.”
“And at such a crucial time for the Empire, when so much depends upon our collective rigor and discipline and aaaah! Ahhh. Blagg, I…I seem—I seem to have bruised my hip, Blagg.”
“I’m sorry, sir.”
“Stop saying you’re sorry and do something about wait what’s going on—”
15:00.19…FAULT IN HOLORECORDER SYSTEM DETECTED. PLAYBACK ENGAGED
15:00.20…ABORT PLAYBACK. OVERRIDE
“What’s happening to it, Blagg.”
15:00.22…CANNOT ABORT PLAYBACK…OVERRIDE UNSUCCESSFUL…CANNOT ABORT PLAYBACK…OVERRIDE UNSUCCESSFUL
“It’s…trying to play a holorecording, I think, sir.”
“A…recording? What sort of recor—”
15:00.26…FAILURE TO SHUT DOWN HOLORECORDER PLAYBACK
“I mean I could get in trouble just for taking this stupid bucket off, but this is what I’m talking about. I mean, this zit here on my chin? It’s the size of a Kowakian monkey-lizard, honestly. Ugh, I feel so gross. Don’t look at me!”
“…What?”
>
“Ugh, I feel so gross. Don’t look at me!”
“I’ll try to shut it down, sir.”
“Ugh, I feel so gross. Don’t look at me!”
“…Who is he? He’s…beautiful!”
15:01.33…EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN OF HOLORECORDER SYSTEM ACHIEVED
“What? No! Bring him back! Play back the entire message!”
15:01.40…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “play back the entire message” LOGGED. REQUIRES RESPONSE. CONFLICT: 1. BIOFORM ISSUING VOICE COMMAND HOLDS ALPHA-ONE-LEVEL CLEARANCE, SUPERSEDES ALL KNOWN COMMANDS AND SUBROUTINES. 2. HOLORECORDER IN UNRECOVERABLE FAILURE. REQUIRES COMPLETE SYSTEM REBOOT AND MAINTENANCE
RESOLUTION OF CONFLICT: RESPONSE REQUIRED, NEGATIVE: Beepboop.
“I…don’t think it can comply, sir. Not without a systems overhaul.”
“…I see.”
“Shall we proceed to her cell and begin the interrogation, sir? I just need to install the hypodermic on the torture droid—”
“Interrogator droid, Blagg.”
“Yes, of course, sir. Sorry, sir. On the…interrogator droid. And then we can proceed.”
“Oh no, Blagg, I shan’t be doing the interrogation, and neither shall you. That’s Vader’s work. He does so…relish it. I just came down to ensure you were on schedule. I’ve had reports.”
“I assure you, sir, that I’m working as fast as possible. I’m keeping to the timetable, but it’s taken longer than necessary to secure the required equipment, and—”
“Excuses, Blagg, do not interest me. But I’ll tell you what does. That trooper, in the holorecording.”
“…Yes, sir?”
“I take it he’s the one who dispatched this appallingly willful droid? And the one who, if I’m not mistaken, you were about to blame for your section’s woeful lack of readiness?”
“Sir, I…Yes, sir.”
“I’m going back to my quarters, Blagg, and I’m taking this horrid little droid with me.”
“…Sir?”
“I’m going to put some ice on my hip, Blagg, and I will deal personally with the trooper whose incompetence is responsible for the painful inconvenience I have suffered. As for your prisoner, Vader will be down to interrogate her presently…but of course…only once you’ve had adequate time to prepare the interrogator droid. I shouldn’t wish to rush you.”
“…No, sir, of course. I assure you all will be ready, sir.”
“Your assurances, Blagg, are meaningless in the extreme. Results, Lieutenant. That’s what matters at this juncture. A great day is dawning for the Empire, Blagg, if arrant witlessness like yours can be kept at bay. She must tell us what she knows; that is your only priority. Leave the handling of that trooper…to me. Dismissed.”
“Sir, yes sir.”
“Now. You there: droid.”
15:04.44…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “you there droid” PRIORITY ALPHA ONE LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“Your holorecorder is rather spectacularly offline, but I trust your other systems are functioning, howsoever crudely? You can follow basic commands, yes? Your rather enthusiastic tryst with my left ankle just now hasn’t catastrophically disabled your central matrix processor?”
15:04.50…BIOFORM VOICE QUERY “you can follow basic commands yes” PRIORITY ALPHA ONE LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“And your motor functions? If I turn you back upright, onto those filthy, grimy little wheels of yours, like…so? You can still find your way around, ideally without barreling into passersby and causing them undue mental and physical anguish, as you have me?”
15:50.43…BIOFORM VOICE QUERY “you can still find your way around, ideally without barreling into passersby and causing them undue mental and physical anguish as you have me” PRIORITY ALPHA ONE LOGGED. SYNTACTICAL ANALYSIS: SARCASTIC BUT NOT RHETORICAL. RESPONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“Excellent. Go to my quarters immediately, and close down.”
15:50.43…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “go to my quarters immediately and close down” PRIORITY ALPHA ONE LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: AUTONAV ROUTE; ENGAGE MOTORS
—
17:37.22…ARRIVE DESTINATION: OFFICER’S QUARTERS—SECTOR GM1-A
17:37.23…ENTER SLEEP MODE
—
“There we are. Wake, MSE-6-G735Y.”
XX:XX.XX…EXIT SLEEP MODE
XX:XX.XX…SYNC WITH DS-1OBS Network; ALERT: LOG PASSAGE OF 2.52 CYCLES IN SLEEP MODE; SYNC INTERNAL CHRONO
09:44.03…RUN SELF-DIAGNOSTIC:
DESIGNATION: MSE-6-G735Y
FUNCTION: Delivery/Repair
ASSIGNED TO: Maintenance Unit, Sector AA-345, DS-1 Orbital Battle Station
SYSTEMS CHECK:
Modular Circuit Matrix Processor: Optimal
Proximity Sensors: Optimal
Internal Bay Sensors: Optimal
Dorsal Doors: Optimal
Holorecorder: Optimal
Dynadrive 9-ES Motors: Optimal
Wheels: Optimal
“Yes. I’ve repaired your systems, inasmuch as an old man remembers basic droid mechanics from his Academy days.”
09:44.36…PROXIMITY SENSORS: Bioform detected.
09:44.38…IDENITIFY BIOFORM: Designation unknown. SECURITY LEVEL: Alpha One.
09:44.55…LOCATION GEOSYNC ALERT: OFFICER’S QUARTERS—SECTOR GM1-A
“Fortunately your circuit maps are about as simple as they come. It’s taken me a few cycles to get your holorecorder back online. I have also procured you a new set of wheel treads, as I didn’t want those nasty grotty ones you arrived with tracking gun grease and garbage water and who knows what else onto my carpet. My lovely new carpet, which—not that your rudimentary sensors would be sensitive enough to register it—is Coruscant fiberweave. A single square centimeter of which is worth more than 100 vermin-droids like yourself, put together.
“Now. To business! I am now going to record a message for your master, the stormtrooper designated TK-421. And I’m going to place an item inside your cargo bay, which you will deliver to him, along with the holomessage I am about to record, as is your purpose. And one more thing, please do pay attention:
“I hereby invoke Imperial Protocol Alpha One. Acknowledge.”
09:46.02…ALERT ALERT BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND OVERRIDES ALL PREVIOUS DIRECTIVES. RESET. INCOMING VOICE COMMAND “i hereby invoke imperial protocol alpha one acknowledge” ASSUMES PRIORITY PROTOCOL. RESPONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“Yes, very good. Of those instructions I have just issued, there will exist no holorecord. No geosync data. No routine uplink to the Imperial network. Instead you will shunt those instructions, and all ensuing related subroutines, to my personal ephemeradata-neurocloud, where they will be hosted until such time as you carry them out, when they will be summarily scrambled and expunged from your memory. Acknowledge.”
09:46.33…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “acknowledge” PRIORITY ALPHA ONE LOGGED. REPSONSE REQUIRED, AFFIRMATIVE: Beepbeep.
“Very well, then. Engage holorecorder.”
09:46.40…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “engage holorecorder” PRIORITY ALHPA ONE LOGGED. RESPONSE REQUIRED: ENGAGE HOLORECORDER
[MEMORY MISSING]
—
[MEMORY MISSING]
XX:XX.XX…DISENGAGE HOLORECORDER PLAYBACK.
“Well. Well, well, well. Isn’t that…isn’t that just something, G7.”
XX:XX.XX…SYNC WITH DS-1OBS Network; SYNC INTERNAL CHRONO
10:38.16…ALERT: MEMORY MISSING
10:38.16…ALERT: LOCATION UNKNOWN; GEOSYNC REQUIRED
10:38.17…ALERT: DORSAL DOORS OPEN. INTERIOR BAY EMPTY.
10:38.19…RUN SELF-DIAGNOSTIC:
DESIGNATION: MSE-6-G735Y
FUNCTION: Delivery/Repair
ASSIGNED TO: Maintenance Unit, Sector AA-345, DS-1 Orbital Battle Station
SYSTEMS CHECK:
Modular Circuit Matrix Processor: Optimal
Proximity Sensors: Optimal
Internal Bay
Sensors: Optimal
Dorsal Doors: Optimal; ALERT: OPEN
Holorecorder: Optimal
Dynadrive 9-ES Motors: Optimal
Wheels: Optimal
10:38.51…LOCATION GEOSYNC: Maintenance Unit, Sector AA-345, DS-1 Orbital Battle Station
10:38.52…PROXIMITY SENSORS: Bioform detected.
10:38.53…IDENTIFY BIOFORM: Designation TK-421. Security Level: Lambda.
“I mean you don’t receive a holomessage like that every day. Looks like I caught someone’s eye, G7. Which is always flattering, I’m not gonna lie. Still got it! Don’t know how it happened, but I have a feeling you had something to do with it.
“Huh…Okay. This…this could be good, G7. Very good, for both of us. I play this right, I could get us that transfer to Coruscant.
“…And if I play this very right, I could get us…anything.
“How to play it, though, that’s the question. My next move is crucial, G7. I can’t come on too strong, because he wants to be in control, that much is clear. And he’s certainly not being coy about his intentions. So. Direct, but not aggressive, not tradey…Still. I should probably…butch it up a bit, though, right?”
10:39.44…BIOFORM VOICE QUERY “i should probably butch it up a bit though right” LOGGED. SYNTACTICAL ANALYSIS: INCONCLUSIVE. INSUFFICIENT DATA
“No, yeah, I should. He’s a graysuit, he went through the Academy. They always want the whole ‘backwater, rough-around-the-edges military grunt’ thing. You know: ‘Oh my, sir, I never…I ain’t never done this before.’ Trust me, I know his type.
“All right. Engage holoreco— Wait!”
10:40.23…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “engage holorecowait” LOGGED. SYNTACTICAL ANALYSIS: ENGAGE HOLORECORDER; HALT RECORDING
“Helmet…off, I think, for this, G7. Give him something to get him started…There. Okay. Engage holorecorder.”
10:40.39…BIOFORM VOICE COMMAND “engage holorecorder” LOGGED. ENGAGE HOLORECORDER
“Sir! TK-421, acknowledging your order. I will report to your quarters at once, sir! Just as soon as I…shower with this here…this antibacterial nanofoam ya sent. Awful thoughtful of you, sir. It will be an honor for me to repair your aqualeisure unit, sir. And may I say, sir, thank ya kindly for sendin’ my little MSE-6 droid back to me all fixed up so good! Ya got a gift, if that’s not too forward of me, sir. TK-421 out!…Disengage holorecorder.”