Obnoxious Librarian from Hades

by Dennie Heye

  The one with the sanitized performance review

  It is Tuesday afternoon, slightly after 4 PM and I am in the library listening to the fabulous, surround sound version of Jean Michel Jarre's classic "Oxygene" album. This always stimulates the theta waves in my brain and puts me into a special relaxing mood which is needed.

  Once again it is time to fill out the yearly self appraisal forms for our dear friends in Human Resources and my direct boss. I've always thought it is not exactly fair that us humble worker bees have to fill out a self-appraisal form and send that to HR and our manager before we have the appraisal, but we never get their remarks up front.

  I often have the feeling HR and management don't even do anything with our reviews, they just take our forms, have a good laugh at what we filled out, point out particularly funny answers, snort, go out for a few beers and then randomly throw all application forms in the air. The ones that come face down on the floor get bad reviews, unless your boss likes the way you bring him coffee and laugh at all his jokes.

  But that's just me being cynical - the performance review process it surely is based on objective criteria, scientifically relevant methods and intended to bring out the best in us.

  But you can't be honest in your self appraisal, you have to sugarcoat it. Like writing a business case, completing the self appraisal form requires a mixture of fantasy, word smithing and buzzwords. Let me show you an example.

  "What do you think went well this year?"

  (what I wanted to answer:) After a year where every project proposal I wrote was either forgotten, postponed or undermined I think I did very well not punching several managers in the face. Also, I showed clear self control not laughing out loud at all the ridiculous questions from the l-users (library users). I am extremely proud that you guys did not find out I squandered the whole training budget on a week in the Bahama's at a so-called web 2.0 masterclass in a 5 star all-inclusive resort where I learned to water-ski.

  (what I did answer:) This year I learned a lot from the active challenging of my cross-business projects, this strengthened my skills in this area. I also challenged users in their information seeking behaviors, stimulating their level of self esteem whilst enhancing their skills in information literacy. Lastly, I have been able to acquire new skills at the web 2.0 masterclass I attended.

  "Looking back, what would you have done differently?"

  (what I wanted to answer:) Looking back, I should not have bothered asking for any improvement projects, but just do my thing and ignore everyone else. Also, I should have learned to sleep with my eyes open to make the best use of the endless, soul crushing and dreadfully boring departmental meetings.

  (what I did answer:) Looking back, I should have asked for management input for new improvement projects, before proposing them to ensure the project ideas were aligned with company priorities and received buy-in. Also, I should have stepped back from several departmental meetings and trusted my peers to make the best decisions, giving them room to grow in their leadership roles.

  "What are the most important wins of this year for you?"

  (what I wanted to answer:) I finally beat Carl from meeting services in Mario Kart. My manager did not notice that the strategic library vision presentation was basically the same as last year with only the date changed. I won the stare down contest during the monthly "top quality process enhancement" meetings.

  (what I did answer:) I was the winner in the company wide safe driving contest. I built the new library vision presentation on best practices. I used body language to stimulate interaction with my colleagues in the "top quality process enhancement" meetings.

  If an individual performance bonus would be tied to your review, what should you be awarded?

  (what I wanted to answer:) All I want is more money and less sh*t from you people.

  (what I did answer:) I am not just motivated by monetary rewards, but also a stimulating work environment where I am constantly being pushed to get the best out of me.

  The one where we get no help whatsoever

  It is Monday morning, 8.33 and already this week is ruined. The trusty old library computer makes a weird noise. A few sad bleeps, but that's all. I am afraid the hard disk may have passed away, but luckily I make my own backups ever since back office IT support was outsourced. All I want is a new hard disk, so I can restore my backup. But in order to get a real IT person (do they still exist?) at my desk to replace the hard disk, I need a help desk ticket number.

  Recently our help-desk was re-shored after a survey pointed out that nobody actually called the help-desk anymore following the off-shoring. First, management was pleased as this clearly indicated that IT was just working fine. However, comments from the survey indicated there still were many problems, but Hades employees just didn't call the help-desk anymore out of sheer frustration.

  Our management made a bold decision to re-shore the help-desk back home. To be more precise, they awarded the help-desk contract to the local job centre which is across the road from our office. A win-win situation: Hades Corporation pays a mere penny and all the unemployed people can learn "on the job" how to be demeaning to people and anticipate a future career involving a headset.

  "Welcome to the Hades Corporation no help whatsoever desk. We are understaffed, underpaid and hardly skilled, but at least we speak English."

  (10 minutes cheesy piano renditions of sappy 80s ballads, interrupted every 2 minutes by "Your call is important to us. All our operators are currently busy talking to each other, clipping their toe nails or surfing the web. Once we feel like it, we may actually answer your call.")

  "Hello, how may I help you?"

  "Hello, well, my computer does not start. It makes weird noises when booting up."

  "Can I start a remote desktop sharing session?"

  "No, my computer does not start at all, so I cannot start programs."

  "Oh well, I just follow a script here, it's not like I know anything about computers or even am remotely motivated to help you for the measly payment I get. Is the power-plug correctly inserted into the wall socket?"

  "Listen, that's not it… this is a problem with my hard disk."

  "Sir, I am under clear orders to follow the script from the knowledge base."

  "Yeah but… "

  "Can you insert the rescue floppy into the floppy drive?"

  "Floppy? This is 2008 - floppies are extinct!"

  "Sir, please follow the script with me or else I cannot help you - please put the floppy in the floppy drive."

  "I don't have a floppy or a floppy drive!"

  "YOU MUST HAVE A FLOPPY AND A FLOPPY DRIVE! That's is what it says here on my screen!"

  "Once again, I DON'T have a floppy or a floppy drive!"

  "Sir, I am trying to help you here but you are making it very difficult for me. If you have lost your floppy or floppy drive, which is company property by the way, can you ask your colleague to borrow you a floppy and a floppy drive?"

  "No, of course not, you help desk-dimwit, nobody has floppies anymore! Please skip this nonsense and create a ticket to have my hard disk replaced."

  "Sorry, I can only assign a ticket number once we complete the script… so let's get back to the floppy."

  Five minutes later I am across the road, using a hammer, nails and wooden planks to block the doors of the employment center where our help-desk resides. One my way out, several colleagues asked me what I was going to do… once I explained, they all came along to help. Isn't it wonderful how people will become an instant group once they have a common goal? One guy even brought barbed wire!

  The one where we are micromanaged

  It is slightly after teatime in the library and I am wearing my Hawaii shirt, sipping a piña colada and humming along to the “Hawaii & surf” music channel on my computer. My boss is back from holiday, and for the first time ever I'm happy to have him back… Let me explain… .

  In general I use my manager's holiday to fix all the bad decisions
he made in the past year and in general have a great time, without worrying about being interrupted for non-library relevant requests.

  My boss always hated taking holidays, as he was sure Hades Corp would go down when he was not around 24/7. Funny how all managers have this idea of being indispensable… Every year he would take his mandatory minimum amount of vacation days, but still reply to e-mails and call the office every day several times. He was then always completely stressed out by balancing the demands of his family, who wanted to enjoy the holiday and his addiction to being in touch with the office.

  It was always very tempting for us to freak him out, for instance by sending e-mails like “Hi boss, the CFO has slashed your budget proposal. But I have said that’s ok, since you overestimated several projects anyway.” He was always so happy to be back in the office, I think I have even seen him gently caressing his leather chair on his return.

  This year his wife demanded he would not be in touch with the office; otherwise she would destroy his collection of rare vintage Polynesian stamps.

  My boss took a one-day course “Your Blackberry will be fine without you – how to survive a holiday without access to e-mail and phone” and even thought about delegating responsibilities. But the idea of someone else lower in the food chain doing his job gave him the jitters.

  Then he made the worst decision of his career so far. He hired an interim manager to take his place during the two weeks he was on holiday. This interim manager happened to be his brother’s son who just finished his MBA – which of course means that you can handle anything and know everything. They agreed to have daily contact by fax, which my boss had arranged to be secretly inserted into his morning paper at the hotel. If he then had to send instructions, he would ask the hotel concierge in code to send e-mails on his behalf. Something like: “the croissant at breakfast was very tasty with peanut butter” would mean “the savings target for the new off site data storage can be reduced, send a new proposal.”

  Just when I thought it could not get worse – the two week interim manager turned out to be a micromanager with a bit of knowledge. This is one of the most dangerous kinds of managers, as they want to be involved in everything but only have a slight idea what the work is actually about. His wife volunteered in a library during college, which made him a world expert on libraries.

  On his first day, he went around the office introducing himself and started to ask endless questions:

  "Why do you use the Dewey Decimal Classification? What is the benefit of that versus the Cutter Expansive Classification?"

  "I want a full run down of all planned and unforeseen expenses you plan to make in the next two weeks plus the considered alternatives and business cases."

  "I want to be on top of all the issues. Before you sent an e-mail, let me see it first. I will correct your mistakes in red font and then return it to you for improvement."

  "I worry about the productivity of this department. I am sure you can do a lot more in less time. Tomorrow I will bring my stopwatch and spend the whole day next to you so I can observe how you work."

  As you can imagine, this does not create the right atmosphere. I could already see the dweeb standing besides me, telling me to “move the mouse up – UP… click!”.

  My passive aggressive assistant Sue tried to get rid of him by planning a meeting with him in a remote meeting room. She used an excuse to borrow his cell phone, stepped outside the meeting room where she locked the door behind her and wandered off. Unfortunately he escaped through the window.

  I tried to send a subtle signal by superglue-ing everything in his office to the desk or wall. The video of him trying to pick up a pen or using the mouse has been a hit on YouTube, but he had everything replaced within a few hours.

  So the only thing we could do was to fight fire with fire…. I send a fax to the hotel where our manager was staying, praising the interim managers way of working. I went over the top to applaud his initiatives, how top managers were very pleased with him and that the rumor was the interim manager could do the original manager's job for less money. Within two days my boss was back from holiday due to unforeseen developments in "the market" which required his presence.

  I may not like him that much, but at least he does not interfere with my daily work. As the saying goes: you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone.

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  The one where we benefit from outsourcing

  It is Wednesday afternoon in the library and I am lip-syncing to Kraftwerk’s classic "Autobahn" album. Earlier this month I smelled something in the air… Was it a rare, first edition book in decay? Was it the smell of fear from the recent new hires? No… it was the nasty smell of unwanted change.

  It started out with several men carrying tape measures walking around our offices, looking at floor plans and taking notes on clipboards while mumbling. Mumbling is never a good sign.

  A week later we all received a memo about project "Smart refit":

  "As always your fearless management is focused on improving the bottom line. During a recent three-day smart building management workshop in a remote location with plenty of golf and drinks, we had an epiphany: let’s not renew the lease on several buildings around town and aim to get the optimum out of the buildings we own. In your terms that means squeezing more people in less office space. Don’t think of it as a pure cost reduction, it will also increase cross-departmental bonding, shorten communication lines and reduce global warming. We are sure we can reduce the heating in the building as we will all generate enough body heat.

  On a related note we have concluded that all middle management need their own office (but without a window of course) to discuss sensitive matters, make up fictitious targets and play Solitaire. Last but not least we will increase the number of meeting rooms as you can never have enough meeting rooms."

  The impact for the library would be enormous. We had to reduce to half of our current floor space. All those scruffy books, journals and library staff where just a waste of space and oxygen.

  I was able to successfully prevent the first idea: throw out half of the collection. My business case clearly outlined the value and ROI of the print collection, so I reached a compromise. I would find an off site storage vendor that would house half of the collection and offer a service to deliver a book or a journal volume within an hour of request. And all of this for a nickel and a dime.

  When a librarian is stuck between a rock and a hard place, (s)he gets the best ideas. I told my boss I knew a very good company that could provide this service, was very respected in the industry, had very affordable prices and that I would personally vouch for a successful move. But when I would have to work according to the official Hades corporation rules of contracting and procurement, it would take ages. First I would have to draw up requirements, perform a market scan, split requirements into must haves and nice to haves, gather industry benchmark data, issue a RFI (request for information), RFP (request for proposal), RFB (request for bribes) and a RFQ (request for quotation). Hence, this would take forever. Or we could do this unofficially, get it done through my buddies in the real estate department and be the first department to give back half of the floor space to management.

  My boss recognizes an opportunity to score with his managers so he agreed to approve my choice of off site storage vendor as long as the project would be done in a week and I would personally be accountable for everything. Every manager loves a decision that will score with the higher powers and if it goes wrong, have someone to shift the blame to.

  A quick call to my pal in the real estate kicked of project "the stealth off site library". Being the one and only records manager, I have responsibility for all the paper and physical records. Since most of the are confidential, management did not want them stored off site. Also, they were too cheap to invest into a proper off site storage vendor. So they gave me a large part of the basement, which is so rundown that nobody ever wants to be there. My par
t of the basement is locked for security, so nobody except me and my buddy in logistics knows what we store there. And let me tell you - there is enough space to keep half of the library collection there.

  After office hours, we moved half of the library collection to the basement. We then created a service request form for retrieving materials from the "off site" storage area. My boss gets charged $5 by the real estate department for every request. The guys in logistics and I have calculated we will have enough money for a jacuzzi in the basement by the end of the year…

  The one where we get a promotion

  It is Thursday night, way past office hours and I am still in the library with a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne to celebrate my promotion to senior assistant manager of library, records and information services.

  During my annual appraisal session last month with my manager I almost fell of my chair when he asked me whether it wasn’t time for a promotion. A manager suggesting me to get a promotion? Was this an alternate universe? Was I dreaming?

  No, it was for real – he wanted me to get promoted. Not because I was doing such a fine job but being underpaid… nope. My boss himself was looking for a promotion, but he did not have enough staff reporting to him with the right pay grades. So in order to qualify for a promotion, my manager needed to promote the staff below him – logical.

  Well, let’s promote the librarian to senior librarian. That sounds easy.

  But Hades Corporation would not be the enormous, bureaucratic and inefficient organization it prides itself to be if they hadn’t installed a best practice worthy process to discourage staff from even THINKING about asking for a promotion. This all in line with the company finance manager’s slogan: the best cost saving is a cost not made at all.