Accidentally On Purpose

by Kaitlyn Ewald

  It had everything to do with what the words on the small pages before her made her feel.

  “Today he told me that he doesn’t know if he loves me, and honestly, I don’t know if I do, either.”

  “Today he said he doesn’t feel any connection between us, and I’m not sure if I feel anything anymore.”

  “Jake said that I can’t ever fulfill what he needs, and that kills me, because all I’ve done is try. All I’ve done is do my best to love him the best way I know how and it isn’t enough… “

  It. Fucking. Hurt.

  Lynn rubbed a hand across her chest and sucked in a slow breath, trying to steady the pain flowing beneath her paper-thin-skin, but it was useless.

  It didn’t make her feel any more human the longer she read the words painted onto the pages of a journal written by a woman who never learned true love before.

  She had no idea what the hell she was doing when she was with Jake, other than everything she thought would make the situation better for the both of them. Isn’t that love?

  Giving your all, every day, even though you don’t expect anything in return? Does it still mean something if they don’t reciprocate, if they don’t want it?

  If he hadn’t wanted her love, then what the fuck did he want from her?

  She would have taken violence over his silence any day. That, she could handle. She was used to that.

  After her childhood (which had epically fucked her up in the head) she had learned to expect anything from a man.

  She could handle the screaming, the rough hands, the abrupt explosions of emotions and anger. But, Jake had been smarter than that.

  He didn’t leave bruises on her skin, he left them on her heart, and they were still tender.

  From time to time, like now, they still ached.

  Was I ever really happy?

  Did he ever really love me?

  Did he ever really want me?

  Her mind fired off the questions she’d only asked herself a hundred and one times before, and this time, she had an answer for herself.

  No, he didn’t.

  He’d even said it multiple times himself: “I like the idea of you, but I don’t really like you.”

  How can anyone say that to someone who’d given up years of their life for them?

  “Aiden isn’t like that,” She said softly as she inhaled another lungful of smoke.

  It burned, tickled her nose, but it felt good. She felt human once more.

  As she tossed the journal into the trash can and checked the time on her phone, she saw a text from Aiden.

  Aiden: I’m on my way beautiful, be there soon. I can’t wait to see you.

  It made her smile and that was the first time in a long time, that she didn’t have to ask herself if she would be okay.

  She just knew.

  Chapter 12

  Aiden and Lynn lay side by side in her queen sized bed. It was dark, way past midnight, and he was running his fingers through her short hair.

  “It’s so amazing to me how easy it is with you,” He said softly.

  That didn’t register for a second before she was leaning back to glance up at him, her smile easy as she rested her palms against his bare chest.

  “It’s a nice break from the usual, isn’t it?”

  He nodded, his lips finding their way to her hairline.

  She reveled in his soft touch, in his attention, in his gentle affection. It was so out of the norm for her that she had no idea how she’d lived without it for so long, but it was for the best. She wouldn’t appreciate it as much as she did if she hadn’t.

  “Do you think it was worth it?”

  He tipped her chin up slightly so he could see her better.

  “What?”

  “Everything we went through before now. Do you think it was worth it?”

  He pressed his lips to her mouth again, caressing her tongue with his.

  “I’d do it all over again if it meant that I’d get to lay here with you. I have everything I need right now, right here, with you.”

  It meant the world to her that he said that, out loud, and that his expression seemed so earnest, too. He didn’t even look like he was lying.

  “It won’t be easy,” She whispered.

  “What are you talking about?,” Aiden asked, obviously confused.

  She took a deep breath and pressed her hand against her chest.

  “This part of me, the only true thing I can give you- it’s not right. It doesn’t work smoothly. It’s rusty, and gritty, and stubborn like those old engines you work on.”

  Aiden frowned, sadness seeping into his expression.

  “That’s not true,” He argued.

  “Loving me isn’t going to be easy. Trust me. It’s going to be really hard. I’m not perfect by any means. I’m too stubborn, I’m loud, and often times I say whatever I’m feeling in that moment because it hurts to keep it in. I may have the best of intentions, but those often go unnoticed.”

  Aiden dipped his head for a moment, his fingers caressing his jaw as he seemed to ponder what Lynn was saying.

  “You’re wrong.”

  “How so?”

  “Loving you is the easy part. Healing you? That’s a different story. Healing you will take time and patience, and that’s what’s going to be hard. You’re the softest woman I’ve ever met beneath all those walls and armor. Love isn’t about the fluffy moments, it’s about the gritty moments. It’s about those moments where neither one of us knows if we can keep going, but we choose to do so anyways. Together. I’m not going to abandon you.”

  “What if you change your mind?”

  Aiden smiled, his eyes landing on her mouth as he leaned in to press a kiss against her soft lips.

  “I’m not going to change my mind.”

  “Promise?”

  He winked at her, “Friends don’t lie.”

  “I’d hope at this point I’m more than your friend,” She joked.

  He was smiling when he told her, “You’re right, you’re the woman I love and my best friend, and that’s the truth.”

  The truth.

  That’s exactly what Lynn had wanted all along, but this? This felt like a dream, like a movie, because she still had no idea how their situation had gone from tentative strangers to intimate lovers.

  And, it was worth it.

  She hadn’t had something impact her life apart from her writing in such a profound way in so long, that at first, she’d questioned the hell out of herself and him. Sure, she still questioned things from time to time, but not because she wasn’t absolutely sure that being with him was what made her happy.

  She was unsure because Every. Single. Time. She’d felt that way before, it was only a matter of time before the rug was ripped violently from beneath her. This was the halfway-happy phase, the unsure-but-I-can-still-protect-myself phase.

  That phase right before she gave Aiden the most power she could give anyone because she did love him, and she had no idea how it happened, and yet there she was…

  Cuddled up in his arms like she’d never spent a day with anyone else.

  Holding on to him like she couldn’t live another day without feeling the warmth of him next to her.

  Tucking her hand into his like he could save her, whatever was left, whatever she could scrounge up from the stained hardwood floors of her apartment, where she’d laid for hours after Jake packed his things and left her there.

  Alone, cold, and the slightest bit cuckoo. Aiden didn’t even seem to mind that she had to whisper the words back to him, like a secret between them.

  Like, maybe if she didn’t put too much of herself into the promise of the words, it wouldn’t hurt so badly when he changed his mind.

  “Lynn.”

  She glanced up at him, her grip on his hands tightening slightly.

  Here it comes…

  “I’m not leaving you any time soon. I’m here until you get sick of me.”

  His eyes were glued to her, stuck
on her, and for a moment, her fears subsided.

  She relaxed against him and accepted the tender swipe of his fingers along her cheek, her eyes closing as she inhaled deeply.

  “Okay.”

  Chapter 13

  Tick-tock, tick- tock…

  Those same green eyes surveyed the layout of the new bitch, Lynn’s, apartment.

  It was tidy and modest, and took a few sweeps for her to find anything of value. Lynn didn’t keep many sentimental things around; no family photos to tear to pieces, no jewelry to steal, no delicate décor she could smash to smithereens.

  It was going to be hard- breaking Aiden and Lynn apart. At first, she hadn’t thought they’d last very long. Aiden never kept a woman around for longer than a couple of weeks, but deep down she probably already knew Lynn would be different. She made him smile, made him laugh, and suddenly Aiden was always happy.

  Now, she was running her hands along Lynn’s pretty, soft, lilac-colored duvet. It had been really easy to pick the lock to Lynn’s front door.

  She probably wouldn’t even notice someone else had been there until she stepped inside. She could tell by the way Lynn wrote her little books- yeah, she’d read them- that the whore was smart.

  Too smart, honestly.

  She’d have to break her and Aiden apart from the inside out, not that it would be impossible, just extremely difficult.

  She’d have to start small…

  She tilted the vase filled with sunflowers sitting on the coffee table slightly to the left. She pushed the perfectly organized magazines over to the right. There was a picture of her and Aiden perched between the two, both of their faces smiling and filled with bliss- she toppled it over onto the floor and stepped on it.

  “Eat that, you little slut,” She murmured softly to herself.

  The apartment echoed with her anger and her silence as she moved from room to room re-arranging things.

  Sure, this was smaller than she’d like- she would rather tear the place to bits and set it on fire, if it meant she’d get to Aiden quicker.

  But, for now, this was a perfect start. She didn’t take anything, she just ruined a few things. Next time, she’d leave a message. A little warning, maybe.

  Lynn would figure her out if she moved too quickly, so she locked the door on her way out, and made her way back to her car.

  Next time, she’d make herself a little clearer…but for now, fear would be her sidekick.

  Chapter 14

  Lynn smiled up at Aiden as they rounded the curve of his Harley. It was modest, black, and beautiful. It suited him. It wasn’t fancy by any means, but it was still a gorgeous a piece of machinery.

  “Don’t you think it’s weird that I spend my days writing about big men who ride Harley’s, and then you show up in my life?,” She asked as she gripped the lapels of his leather jacket. He smiled down at her as he leaned in for a kiss.

  “Yeah, that is pretty wild, but it makes sense to me.”

  Before they could kiss again his phone started ringing in his pocket for the third time in an hour.

  “Unknown again, let me answer it this time.”

  She nodded, stepping back so he could have some space.

  “Hello?”

  Silence followed a confused expression that landed on Aiden’s face.

  “Hello?,” He said again.

  Nothing.

  He sighed and hung up, glancing at her as he slid his phone onto his pocket.

  “That’s fucking weird, Lynn. I’ve been getting these calls for the better part of a week now,” He admitted.

  She frowned.

  “Why didn’t you say something? Do you have someone that would want to prank you?”

  He shook his head as he handed her his helmet.

  “No. I’m a grown ass man, why would anyone want to prank me? I didn’t think much of it before now, honestly.”

  Lynn shook her head as she clambered onto his bike and seated herself.

  He hopped on in front of her, glancing back at her momentarily before he started the bike.

  “I’m sure it’s nothing,” He said softly.

  Somehow, for some reason, she didn’t think that was the case. Unease grew in her belly, and although she couldn’t explain why, her anxiety skyrocketed the closer they got to her apartment.

  It was getting chillier by the day, so this was one of the last times they’d get to ride his bike, and she so much wanted to enjoy it with him…but she couldn’t relax.

  She felt like something was coming, or already here, but she was the last one to know. She felt like she should know why she felt so uneasy, but she couldn’t put her finger on why she did.

  The wheels of his bike ate the asphalt quickly, and soon they were turning into the parking lot of her apartment complex.

  Nothing seemed out of ordinary as they opened the door to her building and climbed the stairs to her front door.

  “Are you okay?,” He asked as she unlocked the door. It swung open before she could reply, and she gasped.

  “Someone’s been here!,” She cried out.

  Aiden’s gaze swept towards her living room, where more than one item was moved or overturned or broken. It wasn’t a big mess, but it was obvious someone had been there.

  “Stay here,” He said as he stepped inside.

  Lynn caught his sleeve and shook her head, but he just put a finger to his mouth and shook his head. It felt like a million years before she heard his footsteps on the carpet heading back in her direction.

  “There’s more vandalism, but it’s empty. No one’s here,” He said.

  “Why would someone break in and not take anything?”

  She stepped into her apartment and began to mentally check off everything that someone would take.

  Nothing is missing…

  She pulled out of her phone to call the police as Aiden peeked out the windows.

  “I don’t see any suspicious cars,” He said as she spoke to an officer on the phone.

  She was nodding as she hung up, her hands running through her hair.

  “This is really fucking strange, Aiden. You’re getting weird calls, and now someone broke into my apartment?,” She asked as she kneeled down to pick up the picture of them lying face down on the floor with a definite shoe-print on the back of it.

  “I agree.”

  “There’s a common denominator here, and it’s you. Do you have any enemies that would want to hurt either one of us?,” She asked.

  He frowned.

  “This isn’t one of your books, Lynn. My life isn’t that interesting,” He snapped.

  “Don’t talk to me like that! I’m not blaming you, I’m just trying to figure this out.”

  He swore and nodded before he pulled her into his arms and smoothed the hair out of her face.

  “You’re right, I’m sorry. I know you’re not blaming me, I’m just as confused as you.”

  She huffed out a breath.

  “They’re sending an officer over now, maybe they’ll be able to figure this out.”

  Aiden sighed along with her.

  “You sure your apartment isn’t haunted?,” He asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

  She didn’t want to laugh but she did, and he smiled lovingly at her.

  “We’re gonna figure this out, okay? I don’t want anything to happen to you. But, worrying about it right this second isn’t going to help either one of us figure out what the hell is going on here,” He reasoned.

  Lynn knew that he was right.

  Maybe it was Jake, looking for valuables? She had no idea why he would show up now, months after the fact, but maybe it was him. The door had been locked, though.

  “Aiden, the door was locked. Either they have a key or they’re a damn good lock pick,” She said.

  He glanced at the door.

  “You’re right. If they got in once, they can get in again. I don’t want you staying here until we figure this out,” He told her.

  Her gaze shot to his.


  “What?,” He asked.

  “You want me to stay with you?”

  His hands landed on his hips.

  “Why not?”

  She shrugged, unsure of how to proceed.

  “It’s just- that’s a big step.”

  He rolled those perfect eyes of his heavenward and nodded.

  “I told you I love you.”

  “I know.”

  “We spend every waking second together that we can.”

  “Okay?”

  He yanked on the hem of her shirt and pulled her towards him.

  “So, move in with me. I know it hasn’t been long, but maybe this was the push we needed to make it official. We never sleep apart. We’re together all the time anyways. I love spending time with you, Lynn. Move in with me.”

  Her mouth fell open as she tried to process what he was saying.

  Move in with him?

  “You realize that’s crazy, right?”

  His smile only widened.

  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  Lynn wanted to argue, but she had no reason to. He made perfect sense and then some.

  “Okay, I’ll move in with you.”

  He kissed her deeply then, his soft lips caressing hers as his hands gripped her waist.

  “I’ll never hurt you.”

  For a second their scary situation was pushed to the side while they held onto one another. Their connection was magnetic, almost impossible to fight. No matter how long they spent together, they just gravitated towards one another.

  It was uncontrollable.

  “But…there’s obviously someone out there who doesn’t like us together,” She said softly as she lifted their photo to the light.

  Her face was scratched out.

  Aiden swore and lifted the picture from her grasp.

  “This is damn near insane,” He said.

  “I agree with you.”

  Lynn’s apartment suddenly lit up with the reflection from the lights on a patrol car pulling up next to Aiden’s bike.

  “Cops are here, let’s see what they have to say about this. Either way, you’re coming home with me.”

  Home…He’s my home.

  Chapter 15