As She Grows

by Lesley Anne Cowan

  Thanks to my best friends, Andrea and Sabine, for a lifetime of support. And an extra special appreciation to John for thinking everything I write sounds so wonderful.

  I am grateful to my incredible family: my brother, Grant, for being someone for me to look up to; my sister, Erin, for having shoes too big for me to fill; my father, for reciting poetry on long road trips; and my mother, for not buying me that silver metallic jacket.

  And finally, heartfelt gratitude to the young people whose lives have touched me in ways they will never know. Learning is both given and received. You have blessed my life with lessons I can never teach.

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  As She Grows is the affecting story of Snow, just fifteen, whose life has been troubled from the start. When she was five years old, Snow imagined herself as “a tender green shoot” growing through concrete. But at fifteen, her family history seems to be pushing her toward a downward spiral, and life is not what she had hoped it would be.

  Snow lives with her grandmother Elsie, a well-meaning but mentally-ill alcoholic. By the time Snow reaches her teens, all of Elsie’s good intentions appear to have been washed away by her addictions. For Snow, her imagination and daydreams are an essential source of escape from the ugly reality that surrounds her. Her mother, an apparent victim of drowning shortly after Snow’s birth, is both a haunting and a comforting presence in her life.

  Street smart and intelligent, Snow is determined to break out of her bleak family history and into the hopeful future she believes her mother would have wanted for her. But when she finds out she is pregnant at fifteen, she seems doomed to repeat the very life she has been trying to escape.

  When life with Elsie takes a shocking turn, Snow moves into a group home where she meets other girls who are struggling with similar issues. Unable to handle the loss of her boyfriend and the stress of pregnancy, Snow finds that cutting her own skin is the only way she can cope with her world. Living in the group home allows her to forge new relationships with her aunt Sharon, Elsie, and a counsellor, Eric, who she meets with once a week. Unaccustomed to care and compassion from adults, Snow is reticent, and she still keeps many secrets, including her pregnancy, the shame of self-mutilation, and the fear she will end up as crazy as her grandmother. But as her belly begins to swell, her secrets and those of her family are slowly exposed, including the most heartbreaking secret of all—who her parents really were.

  As She Grows explores the boundaries between mother and daughter, destiny and choice—the line between choosing your life and your life choosing you. It’s a line, Snow discovers, that is all too easily blurred. A secondary-school teacher who works with at-risk teenagers, Lesley Anne Cowan lifts the veil off the statistics of teenage pregnancy by lending a compassionate and powerful voice to one girl’s experience.

  AN INTERVIEW WITH

  LESLEY ANNE COWAN

  Q: Why did you choose

  to write this novel?

  I knew I wanted to be an author from about Grade 5. I wrote short stories during high school and university, but I hadn’t found a subject that was big enough to sustain my attention through the required years of writing a novel. I found this subject at my first teaching job. For me, writing is a way of engaging in life and exploring my interactions with the world. When I set out to write this novel, I was looking for answers to a problem I couldn’t figure out. It was frustrating to work with young women who just couldn’t seem to stop repeating their family histories of teenage pregnancy and poverty. I created Snow’s character to help me process my experience, figure out the answer, and thereby find a solution. Unfortunately, as you can see, I found no answers, only more questions.

  Also, I wanted to be a voice for a part of society I felt might never tell their story for themselves. I felt deep respect for these young women, and I wanted people in society who feel entitled to judge them (at bus stops, etc.) to think twice after reading As She Grows.

  Q: You work with at-risk youth in Toronto. Is Snow’s character based on a real person?

  No. Snow is entirely fictional, but she is a very common “character” in my world. She is probably the composite of about eight fantastic girls I have taught through the years. Her life experience and trauma, her family dynamics, her pregnancy and sexual relationships are all familiar to anyone who works with or knows teens like Snow. If anything, I toned down the story so that it wouldn’t seem too sensational. In reality, Snow’s real life would be more violent and shocking than I presented.

  Q: Teen pregnancy is frequently depicted in pop culture and the media. Some young mothers faced with difficult lives turn their luck around after they have children. Why did you make Snow’s story about teen pregnancy so bleak?

  As She Grows was not intended to be primarily about teen pregnancy. It’s about breaking out of your family’s past, utilizing community supports, and re-creating your own life, despite the obstacles. The truth is this is not an easy task. If I made this story happy and positive, no one would believe it. Also, I think it would be insulting to young women who share Snow’s experience. Their lives are incredibly difficult. They make many mistakes. Life is not fair to them, and it’s a daily struggle. They are complex human beings in complicated situations.

  Snow is just one girl, one story. It’s true, I could easily have written the novel about a young woman who embraced her pregnancy and whose baby changed her life for the better. I’ve met many young moms who have done this, but it’s just not Snow’s story.

  Q: What was the first scene

  you wrote?

  The first scene I wrote was the scene where Snow is taking a pregnancy test in the group-home bathroom.

  Q: What was the hardest scene

  to write?

  The scene of Snow’s sexual assault.

  Q: Throughout the book, Snow tries to fight against her inherited family history of poverty and teen pregnancy. Do you think it’s possible for a teen born into challenging circumstances to make a successful life for herself or is she doomed to repeat her family’s struggles?

  Yes, I think it’s possible, but I think it’s really hard. A teen’s success depends on so many factors, some controllable, some not. I think it helps to take advantage of community supports. I sometimes think of Elsie or Snow’s mom and wonder if they had the type of community supports available today, would their lives be different. Also, I think it’s essential to have at least one positive role model in your life that can guide you and hold you accountable for your actions.

  Q: The passages describing Snow’s state of mind as she is cutting herself are vivid and convincing. Why does Snow cut herself? Does this mean she’s suicidal?

  Cutting is a coping mechanism for some men and women. In Snow’s case, she cuts herself for a number of reasons: to feel more in control, to release stress, and for communication. In reality, there are many reasons why people harm themselves. It does not necessarily mean they are suicidal. I really had reservations when writing about self-harm primarily because it can be a copycat activity. At the same time, I wanted to honestly explore why someone like Snow would do it.

  Q: With a few exceptions, the men in As She Grows are either absent, cruel, or creepy. Why?

  Yes, at times I have problems with that point myself. I guess it’s because in my experience many of the men in these teens’ lives are absent, abusive, or creepy. Again, that’s not to say I couldn’t have written a book where there were more positive male role models, but that just wasn’t Snow’s story. I really commend male fathers who support their partners.

  Q: Snow makes many mistakes that are really infuriating and sometimes unrealistic. Why does Snow have sex with Mark’s roommate?

  This was shocking to me too. Snow is quite pregnant at the time, yet she has no sense that her body is sacred. I found this incredibly sad. Snow has sex with hi
m because she’s devastated about losing Mark. She is also mad at Mark for leaving her. She is lonely, and one of the only ways she can connect with men is through intercourse. She feels as if she’s worth nothing and so she acts as if she’s worth nothing.

  Q: It seems that the social support system is portrayed quite negatively in As She Grows. Is this your opinion?

  Yes and no. I think there are great things about Toronto’s social support system, but there are also worrying things. Remember, I am a part of that system too, so I am on the receiving end of my own criticism. Moreover, I was writing As She Grows from Snow’s perspective, so things appear bleaker through her eyes. I find one of the most troubling aspects of teens in care is transience—teens who move around from home to home and counsellors who change jobs, etc. All this movement really retracts from building caring and trusting therapeutic relationships. It also results in reinventing the wheel over and over again.

  Q: There doesn’t seem to be much hope in this book. Snow keeps getting beaten down over and over. And then the ending doesn’t promise that she’ll be getting any breaks any time soon. Where is the hope in this book?

  I think if I had read this book before working with at-risk youth, I would have viewed Snow as hopeless. But now my definitions of success and hope have greatly changed. Just because achievements aren’t accompanied by big-band parades doesn’t mean there isn’t progress or growth. To me, Snow is a very hopeful character. It is easiest to explain by comparing her to someone she could have been. Snow could have been living on the streets. Instead, she is connected to a number of group homes where she has established a relationship with the staff. Snow could have been involved in heavy drug addiction or criminal activity. Instead, her coping mechanism is a relatively “safe” one (cutting). And most important, Snow could have been unable to connect with anyone (Mark, Eric, Aunt Sharon, etc.), but her saving grace is that she has the ability to love. Have you ever met someone who doesn’t appear to have the ability to deeply care for another person? In summary, I think Snow will continue to fight through life, always existing on the border between a life she desires and the life she’s been given. I think she provides hope for a lot of young women in her situation who respect the honesty of her imperfect story and admire her persistence in not giving up.

  Q: Why did you choose an open ending? What happened to Snow after that day by the pool?

  The ending tends to generate heated discussion. To me, Snow thinks seriously about suicide in the moment; however, in the end she walks away. It may not be the last time she contemplates ending her life, and it certainly won’t be an easy road ahead, but Snow is a survivor.

  Actually, what I love about my ending is the reader’s heightened response to it. Without a tidy conclusion stating Snow’s exact outcome, the reader is left with the frustration of not knowing. In most books, a clear ending invokes a sense of satisfaction; the reader can put down the book and carry on with her life. But in writing As She Grows, I wanted to reflect reality. And in reality, no one’s life is tied up with a pretty bow.

  More important, the ending reflects the reality of working with teens like Snow. The frustration a reader feels in not knowing Snow’s ending is the same frustration a person feels when not being able to help or control an at-risk youth—you never know what this young person will do tomorrow or next week. When you think you have a good idea and you have faith she is on the right path, some kind of divine intervention typically happens to wrench away the foundation she had been trying to build. Working with these youth, or even having them as friends, puts you constantly in a state of helplessness and frustration. It is a similar helplessness and frustration that the reader feels when not given a clear indication of Snow’s final decision. I would argue this sense of frustration occurs not only when dealing with at-risk youth, but in any attempt to control or know a person’s future.

  Q: Are you going to write a sequel

  or another novel?

  Right now, I don’t have plans to write a sequel to As She Grows, but I do want to write a YA literary fiction series that deals with the subject of at-risk youth.

  DISCUSSION QUES TIONS

  1. Snow is not the best at expressing her true feelings. When her friend Carla tells her she’s moving away, Snow responds with extreme anger. Why do you think she reacts so explosively?

  2. Snow decides she will take swimming lessons despite Elsie’s mysterious attempt to sabotage her. Why do you think learning to swim is so important to Snow, and why would Elsie not want her to explore this?

  3. Jed, Mark, Eric, Greg, and Mitch are among the few men who have an impact on Snow’s life. Some of these men save her, others almost destroy her. Of all these relationships, which do you think helps Snow the most? Which is most destructive?

  4. Throughout the novel, Snow struggles with the threat that she and her baby will repeat their family history. Snow feels she’s the “carrier of some defective gene.” She moves from desiring her mother’s presence within to rejecting it. In a sense, she feels a loss of control in shaping her destiny: “Like an indoor plant that only blooms in the spring, I am guided by a memory that precedes me.” Do you agree with Snow? Do you believe that it is unavoidable that our family’s past will shape our future, for better or worse?

  5. Snow’s relationship with other girls is not always positive. The residents in Snow’s group home can be quite harsh with each other. For instance, when Snow is assaulted by Jasmyn’s boyfriend, instead of getting sympathy, she is immediately pegged “a slut.” How accurate is As She Grows in portraying some teenage female friendships? Why are girls like this?

  6. The author uses language (diction) to convey Snow’s two contrasting worlds: her ugly exterior reality versus her beautiful interior imagination. Specifically, she uses phrasing (formal /informal), sentence structure (short/long sentences), and figurative language (poetic/plain language) to heighten the impact of the story. What are two examples in the book that show this contrast? Use these examples to explain Snow’s two contrasting worlds in more detail.

  7. There are many similes and metaphors throughout the novel. Among many others are Snow’s throwing up at the beginning of the book (“the contracted release of a bowl of Alphaghettis, some cherry Cherry coke, and my mother”) and Snow cutting herself (“skin spreads, parting like clouds, exposing a vast red expanse of me“). Find at least two other similes or metaphors that you find particularly effective. Describe how they make you see things in a new way.

  8. Snow often refers to her ability to find comfort in her imagination and make-believe truths. For instance, she talks about her “idea” of a father being better than the possible reality. While Jasmyn will spend her life trying to forget her father, Snow says she can create him the way she wants him to be. Does Snow have a point? Is it better to know the truth or to find comfort in your own illusions? Was it good that Elsie told Snow the truth about her mother?

  9. Though Snow makes many mistakes, she also develops in small ways. Among these changes in character are how she sees herself, how she interacts with Eric, how she interacts with family, and how she views her unborn child. Choose an area where Snow changes, and give examples that show this development.

  10. Snow makes many mistakes, but many terrible things also happen to her. In your opinion, what was the worst thing that happened to Snow? Was there anything good that came out of it?

  To access Penguin Group (Canada) Readers Guides online, visit the Penguin Group (Canada) website at www.penguin.ca.

 

 

 
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