The Grinding

by Dinniman, Matt

  I stepped toward the hole. I looked up at Cece one last time. She tried to raise her head to look at me, but she didn’t have the strength. This is how I’m always going to remember her.

  “You can go fuck yourself,” I said.

  I pulled the syringe from the bag, and I plunged it into Cece’s neck.

  Sorry, Peaches.

  Her body seized. Before I could scramble back, Grinder-Cece’s cold hand reached out and grabbed my neck. I felt a quick jolt, but it was nothing like before. I didn’t lose consciousness, and my head rushed.

  In that moment, that fraction of a second I had contact with just the Grinder and nothing else, I learned. I learned more than any living person should know.

  “Thank you,” Grinder-Cece said.

  And then she died. Just like that. I had killed it. I had killed her.

  I fell onto my back in terror. Her arm detached and came with me. I ripped it off my neck. I scrambled away, and I jumped into the hole.

  I splashed into the muck, my heart thrashing.

  “No, no, no, no,” I said, screaming the words. I clawed at my own face, unaware of what I was doing. My sanity slipped, held together with a paperclip, and I felt it bend and twist at the realization of what I’d just learned. Blood poured down my face, and a searing pain beat at me, simultaneously distant and molecular-level close.

  Thank you, she had said. That fucking bitch.

  “Goddamn you,” I yelled up at the hole.

  Another explosion, and heat washed over me. I had to get out. I turned and ran down the cramped tunnel. I headed east. I had to get away before everything collapsed in on me.

  I saw now as I ran in the dim light that the interior of the tunnel had been shorn up with rings of metal, just to keep it from collapsing. Nif and I had been in these tunnels tons of times. I had thought they were sewers, but they were actually rainwater drainage tunnels. They emptied into the Rillito Wash. Half the kids in town had spent time exploring this place. Graffiti covered every square inch of wall. Mattresses, shopping carts, and all sorts of junk filled the passageway. I knew exactly where I was, and I knew how to quickly get out.

  This had been her plan all along.

  As I splashed through the shoe-deep water, I finally knew what Nif had meant.

  Do you worry that when you take your next step, the ground won’t really be there? Like it had been an illusion all along, and you’ve just been falling and falling and dreaming, and you’re getting closer to the bottom of the pit every moment. And maybe, at the very bottom of the pit, there’s a hungry blender, waiting for you?

  It was true, truer than I ever imagined.

  The only difference was Nif had sensed it long before I did. I had been falling, blissfully unaware the entire time. And now I was caught up in the blades.

  I screamed again as I ran. Hate, anger, and fear broiled inside of me, consuming me.

  What the hell was I going to do? First I had to get to Nif. No matter what happened. I promised myself, I’d hold her in my arms before this was done, before I even thought about the terrible decision I had to make.

  Chapter 30

  I emerged from the tunnel, wet and shivering despite the rising heat of the day. I had put a good half mile between me and the now-dead Grinder monster. I climbed up out of the wash into the road, and stooped low. Jets swooped overhead, firing missiles into the neighborhoods behind me. Black smoke bled into the sky, and the ground shook with every concussion. Every window of every building I could see had shattered. Walls had crumbled. Palm trees lay on their sides, roots exposed.

  I had no idea what time it was. I guessed around 11:30 or so, maybe later. That gave me three hours to get Nif and get her as far away as possible.

  The Tucson Botanical Gardens were a good twenty minutes away by car, and if I had to hoof it, I’d never make it in time. I’d lost count of the number of cars I’d been in over the past day, and I needed to get my hands on one more. This was more of an upper-middle-class neighborhood, so most of the people here were long gone. The few vehicles I did see didn’t look like they’d have the keys inside. I needed to get to the main road.

  I didn’t have a gun, except the plastic one Patrick had left in my bag. I felt naked and exposed, but I couldn’t waste time worrying about it. I took a deep breath, stepped out onto the open street, and ran.

  Nothing saw me. Nothing attacked. Nobody fired a gun. Overhead, jets continued to circle and pound the area near the Foothills Mall, but I was just far enough away to stay out of their radar.

  The blue Hyundai SUV had a dead woman in it, but the truck looked to be in pretty good condition. It was the first vehicle I’d seen since I emerged that didn’t have shattered windows. I opened the door, and the woman fell out. I couldn’t tell what had killed her, but it didn’t look like she’d been there very long. I stepped over her body and got in the cab. Not only were the keys still in the ignition, but the truck was on, just idling. It had over a half a tank of gas. Hopefully that’d be enough.

  I closed the door and punched it, squealing tires as I pealed out. I looked at the clock and saw it was past 12:30, much later than I had guessed. I had less than two hours.

  With the Grinder-brain dead, all the drones and golems and chimeras ran amok. I had to be careful. The big ones would be easy to spot, but hundreds of smaller flesh golems roamed free, attacking anything that moved.

  Even though she had lost control of them, the Grinder sent out one last order as she died under my needle.

  Create as much mayhem as you can, until you are killed.

  The Grinder couldn’t see the future, but she knew what would most likely become of every living thing she touched. When she touched me, I learned it too.

  The animals and bugs, whose deaths didn’t affect heaven, would devolve to their original selves. The cats, rats, coyotes, dogs, and all the other animals that survived would mix back in with their kind. The physical alterations they underwent would seep into their collective DNA. (You’ll have to ask someone smarter than me to figure out what that means for our future.)

  The drones…the C-1s and C-2s, they were all reacting in different ways. Some dropped dead the moment I stuck that needle into Cece. Most were now insane and lashing out at everyone and everything—including each other—until they were dead. Thousands of them stalked about Tucson in a blind, uncontrollable rage, breaking into homes and fighting in the streets. There was no help for these people. They were gone forever.

  A few drones, however, would regain full control of their own faculties, and if they somehow managed to survive today, they’d be able to live semi-normal lives. Still, those lucky enough to cling onto their sanity were forever marked by the Grinder in two ways.

  First, their bodies housed the now-dormant, alien nervous system, and any doctor examining them would see that and know them for who they were.

  Secondly, their eventual deaths would mean the further destruction of heaven, and the eviction of their previously-dead loved ones from eternal bliss.

  A pack of javelina ran across the street, squealing as they fled toward the foothills. They didn’t take notice of me as I passed. The animals were already reverting back.

  I felt numb, thinking about what the Grinder had done. To me. To Cece. To everybody else. As I drove, tears streamed down my swollen and aching face.

  I’d already decided not being part of heaven when I died wouldn’t be so bad. Most of my life, I never expected it to exist in the first place. I figured I’d die, and that’d be it. As it turns out, heaven does exist. But it’s some sort of inter-dimensional love hamburger full of happiness and joy, and time has no meaning. We’re processed through the grinder, and we all become one entity with no individual thoughts or will.

  That’s what the monster had created here, as part of her defiance. Heaven on Earth. Only it was made from her anger and her pain.

  But now, now that I’ve been touched by the Grinder, my soul is no longer pure. If I died now, I’d be just like eve
ryone else who met the monster this day. I’d get caught in the blades, and I’d take out a chunk of heaven, dragging my dad and Royce and Randy down with me.

  Nif, however… Nif was different.

  The Grinder had made her unique. It had been the monster’s plan all along. I banged my fist against the steering wheel. What am I going to do?

  To my right, a humanoid-shaped, twenty-five-foot tall golem smashed though a park, wielding a giant tree trunk like a club. It swung at nothing, as if it battled phantoms. I accelerated, hoping it wouldn’t see me.

  The Grinder’s criss-cross path through the city left many roads impassable, and I had to beat the crap out of the truck to get to where I needed. Dead bodies littered the roadways. Several half-alive ex-drones shuffled like zombies, fighting in the streets. A few times someone fired a gun at me, but no bullets hit the truck.

  I passed the roller derby arena where it all started. It’d only been seventeen hours. I couldn’t believe it. It seemed like days, like weeks. Bloody debris littered the road. My El Camino still sat in the parking lot, but the windows were smashed and someone had spray-painted a backwards swastika on it.

  “Fuck you, Scooter,” I whispered as I continued on my way.

  The explosions had stopped. I heard no more airplanes. The clock said almost one o’clock. The city held its breath.

  I turned toward my destination, jumping over the sidewalk and accelerating through the small parking lot. The stucco and brick fence that ringed the small plant and butterfly garden lay broken about the street.

  Nif was here, somewhere. I no longer had the mental connection, but I felt something else, and I knew it. She was here, and she was alive.

  I jumped out of the car. I rushed through the broken wall. My footsteps echoed as my boots clomped across the cracked brick pathway.

  Nif and I had been here a few times. I was never much of a plant person, but Nif loved the place. Even though the gardens were small, and planted smack in the middle of the city, the people who had created this place had managed to hobble together a real-life oasis in the desert. All sorts of random plants grew here, shit I’d never seen before. And half the year, a second part of the gardens housed a massive butterfly exhibit filled with brilliantly-colored butterflies from around the globe. Nif said she liked this place because it reminded her that the world could be beautiful, despite itself.

  Somewhere nearby was an injured flesh golem. The Grinder showed me precious little about the monster. I didn’t know how to kill it. The entire beast had been designed to protect and move Nif. She was cocooned inside of its stomach, like a fetus, kept in a fugue to protect her from Operation High Noon. The car-sized monster was made from human flesh and the legs and claws of several different bears, some from the zoo, some that had migrated down from the mountains overnight. I wasn’t sure what this thing was supposed to look like, but I knew it would be scary as fuck.

  Once injured, the golem had stopped listening to the Grinder’s commands. It was supposed to have hidden nearby in a concrete basement. Instead, it had been shot and just took off across town, despite the Grinder’s calls. It dragged itself to the gardens and collapsed.

  I didn’t have a gun, and while I did have one more syringe in my bag, I couldn’t use it. Nif was attached to the thing, and if I poisoned it, I’d poison her.

  I sighed and pulled the Rambo knife from the scabbard at my leg. Clementine had used this knife to kill a crazy C-2 who had jumped in her car. I had used it earlier to fight off a monster made of earthworms. Hopefully the rule of threes would work in my favor today.

  A deep, rumbling growl emanated from around the corner.

  Had I been less tired, less injured… Had I more time to think about a strategy, I probably wouldn’t have held the knife over my head, screamed with every bit of energy I had left—which wasn’t much, and charged around the bend.

  The pink and brown monster quivered on the ground like a massive, deflating gelatin mold. Made of human skin etched together, the creature attempted to crawl away from me as I charged. Two hairy bear legs reared up. They waved blindly in the air.

  I stopped at the sight of the waving claws, the stupid bravery fleeing as quickly as it had come.

  As much as the Grinder had taught me, I still didn’t know how these things worked. It sensed me, but it didn’t have eyes or a mouth. I don’t even know how it had growled.

  The flesh monster was injured on its left side, and blood oozed from the wound. It had eight legs—six to move around, two to slice things open. Two of the legs appeared dead, and they dragged along the ground as the monster pushed up against the brick wall.

  It was almost as if it was afraid of me.

  Go, go, go, go, go away.

  The voice echoed in my head, suddenly and unexpectedly. It was the voice of a child, terrified and afraid. It was the golem.

  I paused. “I don’t want to hurt you,” I said out loud. “You have someone.”

  She is mine. I am protecting her. I am protecting her from those who want to hurt her.

  “No,” I said. “You were keeping her safe until I arrived. Now you’re supposed to give her to me.”

  I am afraid, it said after a few moments. I don’t know what to do. Mother told me to protect her. She promised me that after I did, she would take me home.

  Its bear arms waved in the air. They would rip me to confetti if I tried to get any closer. Mother, the monster had said. It considered the Grinder its mother. The damned thing was intelligent. Newly born, alone, injured, but it was smart enough to think for itself. No wonder it was terrified. I almost felt sorry for it.

  I thought of the old lady and of the cold pot pie, and of the advice I wished she had given me the day the tadpoles died.

  “Sometimes,” I said, “parents make promises they don’t intend to keep.”

  Then what am I supposed to do?

  “What’s right,” I said. “It’s all you can do.”

  The monster stood there, waving its arms for a moment. Then, it lowered them.

  You are Adam. You are the one who will protect her.

  “Yes,” I said. “I am Adam.”

  The monster settled onto the ground, rolled onto its side so the injured gash faced the sky.

  You must finish the cut to get her out.

  I hesitated. Fuck. I rushed forward, put the tip of the knife into the long gash on the side of the monster, and I dragged the blade across its flesh. It split, revealing puffy white fat that burst open like one of those refrigerated biscuit containers Nif was always too afraid to open herself.

  It hurts, Adam, the monster said in my mind. I think I am dying. She promised me I wouldn’t die. She promised I would live forever.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. I put the knife down, afraid to cut any deeper. I stuck my hands in the wound, and I ripped. The whole monster shuddered. Blood, muscle, and fat poured from the wound, like the whole thing was a piñata.

  If you see her, tell my mother I was brave. Tell her I was the bravest of them all.

  A large sac vomited out of the now-dead monster. It was like a giant stomach, or womb. I took the knife and cut along the edge, opening it up. More fluid poured out. All that was left was a figure, curled like a fetus, but still wearing her clothes.

  Nif.

  I grabbed her, and I pulled her limp body to me.

  “Nif,” I cried, shaking her. I put my ear to her chest, and she coughed. Black liquid spewed from her mouth. She coughed again, and her eyes opened.

  “Daddy?” she said, looking up at me, her eyes glazed over.

  “Nif,” I said, crying the words. “Nif, it’s me. It’s me.”

  “Adam?” she said, eyes widening, finally becoming conscious. “What… Where are we? Your face…you got the crap kicked out you.”

  I pulled her tight against my chest. Was this really happening? Was I really holding her? I never thought I’d touch her again.

  She slowly put her arms around me, almost tentatively as if she di
dn’t believe it either. And once she had both arms around me, she squeezed so tight, I thought she’d burst my ribs.

  “Holy shit,” Nif said. “Adam. I thought I was dreaming when I saw you earlier… You saved me.”

  “I can’t live without you,” I said, whispering the words into her wet hair. “You’re all I have. You’re all I ever wanted.”

  “Prolapsed Vagina,” she said.

  “What?”

  “That was the name of the band. I told you that you wouldn’t remember their name. I was wrong. We’ll never forget it, will we? Prolapsed Vagina. What a stupid fucking name.”

  I laughed. I laughed so hard I started to cry.

  “Holy shit,” she said, looking around. “We’re at the Botanical Gardens.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “You were taken here for, uh, safekeeping, I guess.” I still didn’t know how much she knew.

  She cocked her head to the side. “I had a dream, where this little kid asked me where my favorite place here in town was. I told him about the turtle pond, and he said he was too big to fit in a turtle pond. So I said this place.”

  We sat there for a few more minutes, hugging. We weren’t out of danger yet. We had to get out of the city. We had precious little time to get away. But for those few short moments, I didn’t care.

  Nif pulled away, looking at me. “She’s gone, isn’t she? The monster. I can’t feel her anymore.”

  I paused. I didn’t know how much to tell her. My heart ached at what she didn’t know.

  In the end, I decided to lie. For the first time in my life, I lied to Nif.

  “Yes,” I said. “She’s gone.”

  Chapter 31

  “Whose car is this?” Nif asked as we rushed out and into the parking lot. “Where’s Doofus?”

  “Doofus isn’t with us anymore,” I said. “You can thank your friend Scooter for that.”

  “What?” she asked. “What’d he do?”

  “I’ll tell you everything once we’re safe.”

  It was just about 1:30. We had an hour. I headed east, figuring it’d be the safest. The Grinder hadn’t spent much time on this side of town, which meant the amount of monsters and ex-drones would be a minimum, plus it was in the opposite direction of the Grinder’s corpse.