I struggled to ask questions of the soil pulling me along. If I entered water, I wouldn't be able to breathe, right? Yet while inside the tree, I had not respirated like a human at all. The tree had breathed in its typical way and shared some of that breath with me. But Augarten had overestimated what I could endure. If she submerged me in water, I would surely die.
Just as the roar became so loud it seemed to dictate the beating of my own heart, strong roots wrapped around my chest and pulled me upwards toward the surface. I called a goodbye to the creatures of the dark soil, then greeted the new tree who had me in its clutches, hoping everything was going as it should. Up and up, and though I knew my body should look like a human's, I bubbled up from the tree into the cradle of its branches like a puddle of water instead.
Augarten stood next to the branch that held me, her doe eyes reflecting an entire galaxy of stars. "Once more. Let's give this a try."
She pressed her palm to my chest, and with an excruciating surge of power, I inhaled air.
Chapter Eighteen
A tinny voice through the darkness. "Schöner Himmel, Hallo!"
Solomon's rich voice, tired and choked with emotion. "Florian, I found him. We're at the canal, in the thick patch of trees by the 31 tram stop for Stammersdorf."
"I'll be right there." Crackling in the background, and then the line disconnected.
Gentle hands lifted me down from the branches of the tree, making me dream of human touch and kindness. Blinking my eyes open, I found Solomon and Florian sitting in front of me, both looking tired beyond belief, and both with tear streaks down their faces. I lay across Solomon's lap, like Christ was held by his mother after the crucifixion.
Florian cupped my cheek with one hand. "Are you awake, Gabriel?"
"Yeah," I croaked, my throat burning something fierce.
Solomon helped me to sit up, but just that much movement sent pain through everything, everywhere. Florian opened a thermos and gave me warm green tea that made my world so much better.
"Do you want us to call an ambulance?" Solomon asked softly.
I shook my head slowly. "What if they find out I was grown from a tree?" That would get me locked away for sure. "I had another nightmare, like that first night. Then I woke up in that tree where you both visited me."
Florian kissed my cheek. "I'm so glad you're back."
"I'm glad, too. Where's Ian?"
Solomon swallowed and locked worried blue eyes on me. "Gabriel, we need to have a long talk with your angel, ask him what on earth is going on."
Florian gasped and his eyes flew wide. "Did you say Ian? Is he your guardian angel?"
I nodded, surprised I had not mentioned him by name before.
Florian's mouth hung open as he stared at me in shock. Then he turned to Solomon. "I want to speak with Ian too, but I've got to get back to the shop. One of my regular customers agreed to watch it for me when you called. Please tell Ian I send my regards and…that I want to thank him for what he did for me."
I tried to sit up more, but my muscles wouldn't cooperate. "You know Ian?"
Florian tugged at the collar of his shirt. "Yes. He helped me during the hardest moment of my life. It was years ago, and it would take more time than I have now to explain. After you two talk with him, let's have dinner together and talk things over. Once everyone is feeling well enough for it."
I barely had the energy to cover his hand with mine. Florian kissed me, and I was so glad his tears had dried. "I'll see you later."
"Here, put this on." Solomon unclasped his cloak and draped it over my shoulders, fastening it in front of my collarbone. The cloak felt heavy, much thicker than the actual fabric warranted, and yet immediately I felt more put-together, encapsulated within my own body and not leaking out anywhere. I was completely shielded.
Solomon appraised me, hope written clearly in his eyes. He squeezed my shoulders, anchoring the cloak to my body and spirit. The cloak smelled like him, but the layering went deeper than that. I felt like I was standing inside of a cathedral made of stone: ancient, consecrated, and so watched over by angels as to be completely safe.
Are you still here? I asked my angel, just to confirm.
Of course. I am an angel.
Solomon blinked in confusion. I held my breath—had he just heard that?
The next moment, he recovered. "Come. We must get you home where I can place protective wards, quickly."
We hurried through the streets, our breaths puffing visibly in the morning chill. "How did you know where to find me?"
"Ian found you first."
"Am I…am I dead, or something?"
My friend took my hand and squeezed, pulling me faster. "Not yet, Gabriel. Don't even think those words. We have to get you behind the wards first. I'm not powerful enough to protect you out here."
We rushed the rest of the way to Augarten.
By the time I unlocked the door to my apartment, Solomon's cloak was so heavy, I could barely remain standing. Leaving Solomon to lock the front door, I barreled through to the bedroom and sank onto the bed. "I feel terrible."
Solomon locked the door and set my keys on the kitchen counter with a clink. Seemingly an eternity passed before he made his way down the hallway to my bedroom. I felt him unclasp the robe and lift it from my shoulders, but I could not summon the energy to open my eyes. As if in a trance, I managed to slip into my loose pants and slump back onto the bed. Like he had done after my MRI, Solomon placed his hand on my bowed head and murmured a prayer in Latin. Listening, I was soothed.
The prayer stopped haltingly, as if partway, almost mid-sentence.
I waited. "Is something wrong?"
Solomon lifted his hand from my head. "You just rejected the prayer."
I turned my face toward him and found hurt in those blue eyes. "I didn't. I love your prayers."
"You may not have done it consciously, but your soul just rejected me, so I stopped. It is violence to pray for someone who does not want it."
"Solomon…" Did I really just reject him?
Yes, you did.
Solomon blinked, but only after my angel's words.
Why would I do that?
You have your reasons.
"Would you tell me your reasons?" Solomon asked.
"I don't know them. Why are you listening to my angel speak to me?"
"I do not mean to eavesdrop, but he has to speak very loudly to get through to you. It is like shouting in a library. I have no choice but to overhear."
At least now I knew. "I did not want to reject your prayers, Solomon. You have to believe me."
"I believe y—" His eyes unfocused and he froze.
You're speaking to him.
No response.
What are you telling him that you won't tell me?
Nothing.
Solomon touched his crucifix and closed his eyes. I sat there and fumed.
When Solomon opened his eyes again and looked down at me, they were once again misted with tears. That almost took the wind out of my fire. Almost. "Ian just betrayed me."
Solomon blinked. "How do you figure that?"
"Because you know my truth now. I can see it on your face. You learned my story even before I did. And you've been sworn to secrecy. He has turned you against me."
Solomon stared at me for a long moment, then pulled my desk chair out and sat. He folded his hands together as if in prayer, clearly deliberating about something.
Ian's voice smacked me upside the head. He's about to level with you. Listen to him, you fool.
I tried to calm my anger, but nothing I did could convince it to subside. He is my friend. Of course I will listen to what he says. I held back the bitter words I wanted to say to Ian.
Solomon smoothed his palms on his cassock and faced me, eyes calm but sad. "Gabriel, the instant you learn of your story, you will die."
A chill ran down my spine. "So it's true—I'm some kind of horrible abuser…or something?"
Solomon's eyes
flew wide, and he held out a hand to stop me. "No. Of course not. Gabriel, you were—you are—a good man."
What? "Then why would I die if I learned my story?"
"Because all roads end in death for you, Gabriel. The phenomenon Florian told me about, with the golden light leaking from your hands when you touched his tattoo, that is your death. Did the spirit of Augarten speak to you?"
"Yes." Did you tell him everything?
Listen.
"The offer that Augarten made you is your death. But if you want to know your truth so badly, you have simply to let go. You will have your truth, because you will die, and learn of it then. Your angel is waiting in the astral plane for you, or so he says."
I hung my head in my hands. "I want to live, Solomon. I want to be with Florian, and with you."
Pain flashed through his expression, something I could not understand. "I know you do. I have watched how aggressively you have tried to build a life for yourself. This is why I have been so protective of you."
I sighed, long-suffering. "I surrender. I don't know what to do anymore."
"The blood of Christ will accept your surrender. I cannot."
"…I don't think I'm a Christian."
"I know."
I met his eyes then. He looked upon me with grace.
"I did not mean to reject you, Solomon."
"I will endeavor to not take it personally. I still care deeply for you. That will not change, Gabriel."
That confession saved me. "Thank you."
Chapter Nineteen
I changed into my yellow flannel shirt and brown corduroys. Still too small, of course, but these were my nicest garments until Anne and Sarah finished my suit, no holes or stains from gardening. There came a knock at my door just a few minutes after Solomon left. I opened the door to find Andrea standing there with hopeful eyes. "Gabriel!"
My heart leapt into my throat. Why did Solomon have to go check in at work? I had no idea what he and Florian had told Andrea as to my disappearance.
She swatted me on the arm. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to Wales to investigate a lead on your identity? You disappear and then your boyfriend shows up and pays your rent."
Oh heavens above. "Ah, yes. Sorry about that."
She propped her fists on her hips and appraised me. "Well, what did you find out?"
I clasped my hands behind my back to keep them from trembling. "Welsh is my native language…I think. But I haven't found any family members or people who know me."
My farce was as shaky as a leaf. All she had to do was ask me one question about Wales, and I'd be done.
She beamed. "That's wonderful about your native language, though. You've finally got an avenue to explore. Listen, Mrs. Buchinger called last week and insinuated her husband might be amenable to your dropping off a resume. Why don't you head over?"
I gasped, hope rushing to the fore. "Wonderful. Thank you. I'll head right over."
As if I hadn't just spent a month inside a tree, I braved the crisp morning and left Augarten.
The door to Buchinger Buchhandelung had a smart tin bell that tinkled when I entered the shop. Mr. Buchinger called up from the back. "Servus, hallo!"
"Good morning, Mr. Buchinger."
He came around the counter. "I've met you before, haven't I? Remind me."
I gave him a firm handshake. "Gabriel Saint Leopold, sir. Mrs. Buchinger knows me from Augarten."
Mr. Buchinger released me and returned behind the counter. "Ah, yes. Unfortunately, I'm not looking for an intern, especially not a paid one."
"I understand. I just wanted to drop off a copy of my work permit, along with my contact information. If any of the professionals in your network are looking for help, I am eager to work."
He took the proffered document and scanned it. "Are you willing to work for free?"
"Unfortunately, I won't be able to pay rent if I do. However, if you would like to contact my landlord at Augarten and negotiate, the phone number listed for me goes to Andrea's office. As long as my rent is covered with her, I am willing to work without pay." I would figure out the specifics of food and my raggedy clothes later.
Mr. Buchinger said he would keep his ear to the ground for colleagues looking for hired help. I thanked him and excused myself.
Back at my place, I sat down to meditate. I did my breathing exercises, and almost immediately, I felt his presence fill the room. Straight slacks, like an old professor, suspenders over a button-up shirt, no wings in sight. "Ian."
The look my angel gave me…I had no words. One of worry, pain, and so many secrets. For the longest moment, we gazed at each other while I breathed.
"Why was I born from a tree?"
Ian stepped forward and placed his hands on my shoulders. It was a gesture that somehow reminded me of Solomon. His voice was gutted, hollowed out, and ragged. "I do not know. Something went wrong, something that I could not fix, Gabriel. Your memory loss is only one of the side-effects. And what's worse…"
I gazed up at him, my heart laid open. My angel was finally explaining things to me. "What's worse?"
He brushed the backs of his knuckles against my cheek, a sprinkle of stardust. "The worst of it is, by sticking by you, I have lost my connection to my mentor. The Archangel Michael had been guiding me on how to help you, up until you were born from a tree, per se."
That took a moment to sink in. "You're saying we're out at sea without a captain?"
Ian's smile was grim. "I'm the first mate, but you're my maiden voyage, Gabriel. I've only ever had command of the kiddie pool."
"Oh fuck," I muttered.
He carded his fingers through my hair, a tingling that shot a shiver down my spine.
"Furthermore," he said gently, his tone subdued, "without Michael, we may not navigate this well, and that could really mess things up for you. And for me, too."
I reached up with the intention of gripping his wrist, but my hand fell through because I forgot he wouldn't be solid. I tried again and held my hands in the air right at that place so I could touch him, regathering my thoughts. I thought of all the times Florian and Solomon had reassured me, grounding me despite my amnesia.
"It's okay. We've still got each other. I'm with you, and I know you've got my back. We're in this together. We'll figure it out."
Some of the worry left his expression and I received a rare look of tenderness from him that soothed my soul. Of course I then put my foot in my mouth and had to ruin it.
"I don't suppose having my memories back might help us both out?"
He flicked my ear, a sharp pinprick of energy.
I jumped. "Yowch!"
"Leave it alone. You always ask the wrong questions."
"Okay, fine. Back to square one."
He sighed. "Indeed."
I sought to hold onto him, to prolong this closeness and connection. "And anyway, even if we really mess things up and I have to pay for it karmically, I'll just pay it, Ian."
"Karmic payback is brutal," he responded. "You have no idea what you're talking about. That's why humans forget their past lives. A man could not move forward if he held the memories of getting run over by a car as a child, of drowning in a raging river, of years of suffering with cancer, or dying in childbirth after laboring all night—"
"I understand," I interrupted. "I'd go crazy if I had my past life memories. But Ian…I trust you. If I have you with me, I will accept my fate with open arms. Even if it's terrible."
His grey eyes raked over me, both affection and pain written there.
I leaned into his touch. "It'll be fine. I can bear it, and I know you would never guide me recklessly, even without the help of higher angels. Like you always say, 'Suffer all things,' right?"
His eyes flew to mine with a sharp snap. "I have not said that to you since you lost your memories."
My heart leapt to my throat. "What?"
He released me in a flash. "Gabriel, stop looking at the veil."
I reached for hi
m. "I'm just looking at you—"
He disappeared.
Solomon found me moments later, still sitting at my writing desk, staring in confusion at the spot where Ian had stood. "Gabriel? Want to head to Florian's for dinner?"
I finally met my best friend's concerned eyes, at a loss. "Yeah."
Chapter Twenty
That evening, as the pot roast was finishing in the kitchen, Florian held me the way Maria had prescribed before I'd disappeared. Being in close quarters shared auras, she claimed, and thus since we were in a relationship, Florian holding me for long periods, especially on the nights when we didn't sleep in the same bed, would serve to etherically ground me. Which I needed now more than ever, considering I had apparently disappeared into one of my nightmares and then been regenerated by one of Augarten's trees. Not only that, but this new body of mine felt like a worn-out ragdoll, as if I'd been patched together by loose stitching.
My lover held me tenderly, and after many long moments, I began to finally relax into his smell, into his energy sliding over me and mixing with my own. Something pricked my attention, and I opened my eyes to see Solomon flinch away, as if he had been watching. I wondered whether he missed human intimacy like this as a priest.
Dinner was a quiet affair, since Florian clearly had some things on his mind, and Solomon and I both usually relied on him to carry the conversation.
I washed up afterwards with Solomon's help, cleaning the kitchen before going back out into the shop where Florian leaned against the counter, still lost in his own world. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I don't know how to say this tactfully, but since it's come up, I thought I would explain how I know Ian. Just so we're all on the same page, in case any one of our insights could help Gabriel."
I motioned for all three of us to sit down, but Florian pulled us each decaf mélanges first. Solomon and I stared at the tabletop while he worked. Then when he sat back down, steaming cups in front of each of us, my lover motioned toward me. "I am a widower. The circumstances of how that came about are something that even Gabriel does not yet know."
Equinox (Augarten Book 1) Page 15