If I Loved You (Harper Falls Book 1)

by Mary J. Williams

  Rose reached between his legs, humming with appreciation. She caressed him through his jeans; his pulsing heat almost bursting through the material. Making quick work of the snap and zipper she released him, her warm hand shielding him from the cool air.

  “How about I show you my oral appreciation?” Rose nipped at his earlobe. Her mouth trailed across his jaw and down the exposed area of his neck. She hovered briefly, just long enough to meet his gaze. His blazing blue eyes were all the answer she needed. Licking her lips she engulfed his erection with her warm, moist mouth. Minutes later he was the one shouting his thanks.

  THE NEXT MORNING Rose was packed and ready to leave. Well, she was packed. The last few days had been wonderful, and she hated to see them end. The Winston’s had welcomed her without reservation, and she was going to miss them all.

  She was sitting on the porch with Jack’s mom, enjoying the sunny morning. Jack was out helping his dad repair some downed fence. They had no timetable, so they weren’t rushing to get back to Harper Falls. Rose had said goodbye to everyone else when they left for their nearby homes. Jack was the only one of the Winston children that didn’t live within fifty miles of their parents. Rose thought it was lovely that Lorna’s daughters were close enough to visit any time they wanted.

  “Stella wants to take piano lessons.”

  “Really?” Rose felt a burst of warmth. “It looks as though your piano is going to be getting a lot of use in the near future.”

  Lorna smiled at the thought. “I think she’ll be the one to stick with it, to learn how to play.”

  “She’s a determined little girl.”

  “She wants to be like you,” Lorna patted her hand. “You’re her hero.”

  “I—.” Rose didn’t know what to say. It was a new experience, one that held a host of responsibilities. She wasn’t sure she was the right one for the job. “You’ve heard my songs, right?”

  “You mean the ones about strong, empowered women?” Lorna asked. “Your women aren’t victims, Rose. They stand up for themselves. As a mother and grandmother, that’s exactly the message I want my girls to hear. You aren’t just Stella’s hero, you’re mine, too.”

  This time she was speechless. Lorna Winston, earth mother extraordinaire, had just given Rose the greatest compliment of her life and she had nothing to say in return.

  Taking pity on her, Lorna changed the subject. “I used to worry about Jack. Oh, I didn’t worry that anything bad would happen to him though I was never a fan of him playing football.” She shuddered when she thought of all those oversized bodies jumping on her beautiful baby. “I worried about his unrelenting drive.”

  Rose frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  “Perhaps worried is the wrong word.” Lorna thought about it for a moment. “Confused is better. When he was a young boy, he used to run around with his sisters getting into mischief. I always thought he would be a farmer like his father.”

  “He loves it here.”

  “Yes,” Lorna agreed. “But there came a time when it wasn’t enough. He wanted something different, something more. Don’t get me wrong. As much as I would have loved to have him near me like his sisters, the most important thing was for him to be happy. But all that focus on being the best and making money. I don’t know where it came from. You can go back hundreds of years, on both sides of the family, and you’ll never find anyone like Jack.”

  “Jack is unique.” Rose imagined it would have been quite a shock to have your carefree baby suddenly turn into a driven business mogul. But Rose wasn't confused, she knew exactly where he got his ambition—from his mother.

  “Did I miss the joke?” Lorna asked when she heard Rose’s chuckle.

  “I’m sorry, I wasn’t laughing at you,” Rose assured her. “But I don’t think you realize just how much it does run in your family." Rose looked directly at Lorna.

  “With me? All I’ve ever wanted was my husband and family.”

  “Well, that seems pretty ambitious to me.” For Rose, it seemed beyond ambitious. “For over forty years you’ve loved one man and raised seven amazing children. Children who not just love you but respect you, want to spend time with you. They eagerly came together to celebrate the strong foundation you built for them. It’s because you succeeded in your ambition, Lorna, that Jack was able to succeed in his.”

  "Oh, you sweet, sweet girl." Lorna pulled her close. "I hope Jack realizes how lucky he is to have found you."

  Rose felt a surge of panic. "But we aren't, I mean I'm not—." How did she explain something to Lorna that she hadn't figured out herself? "I'm afraid I'll hurt him," she finally managed to sputter.

  "But you don't want to."

  "No," Rose exclaimed. "That's the last thing I want."

  "Then the rest is a leap of faith." Lorna patted Rose's cheek, her smile understanding. "You can't promise not to hurt someone, Rose. But you can try not to hurt them on purpose. If you do that, then you have as much of a chance as anyone. Now, here come our men. Give me another hug and say you'll come back soon to visit."

  "I'd like that." Before Rose pulled away, she whispered, "By the way, Jack is a terrific dancer. Thank you."

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ROSE GRIPPED THE phone in frustration. If she had been blessed with super powers, she would have used them to punch out the person on the other end of the line. Right now she would have to settle for punching him with words.

  "Would you shut up for five seconds so I can get a word in?" She had been listening to Sam Laughton's rant for five minutes straight. He wasn't saying anything helpful. In fact, he wasn't saying anything new. Rose was beginning to think he just liked the sound of his own voice.

  "So speak."

  Asshole. "I know the deadline is only a week away. But I can't force the words. Why can't you record the songs you have." Wasn't that reasonable? "Think how happy you'll be when I've finished. And I will finish. If you get off my back."

  There was a pause. Rose imagined Sam counting to ten or rubbing his temples. Or to make her happy, pounding his head on his desk.

  "I thought you went on that trip last weekend to find inspiration." It sounded like Sam was gritting his teeth. "Seeing what forty years of love looks like should have made the words fly onto the paper. Obviously it didn't work. So what happened?"

  "First, you were the one who thought the trip would inspire me." Even over the phone she could tell he was going to interrupt her, so she hurried on. "Second, I don't know what happened. For some reason I feel even more blocked than before."

  Not that she would admit it to Sam, but Rose was more than a little a panicked. Partly because the song wasn't coming, she'd never had this kind of problem before. But even worse, she'd convinced herself that being able to finish this song would be a sign, a breakthrough. It would mean she was finally able to fall in love. And that meant she could love Jack the way he deserved to be loved.

  "Come to Paris. And before you automatically say no think about it as a change of scenery. If you fly over for a week or two, you might find the inspiration you're looking for."

  "I've been to Paris." Just last year Sam had given her a personal tour of his studio. He'd made a pass, and she'd said no—absolutely not interested. He took the rejection well and the tour had continued. Undoubtedly, he would try again if she went to go to Paris. And be just as good natured about it when she turned him down, again. "We both know my writer's block has nothing to do with location."

  "Then just come for a few days. I might be able to push you gently in the right direction."

  More like shove, Rose thought. Sam was not a man known for his warm and fuzzy approach."

  "I promise to think about it." Rose could feel the beginning of a headache. She needed to take something for it. Even better she needed to end this phone call. "Give me a few more days without any interruptions. Five days," she added quickly. "Please."

  She heard Sam's sigh and knew she'd won, for now.

  "Fine. I know you have it in
you, Rose but now I need it on paper."

  Rose hung up and rubbed her temples. Who was she kidding? Not Sam. And certainly not herself. He might as well have given her five months instead of five days. Unless a miracle happened that song was not going to get written. At least not by her. And wasn't that a frightening thought. Sam could give the job to someone else and she wouldn't have any right to stop him.

  Rose filled a glass with water and swallowed a couple of aspirins. She was due to meet Jack in an hour. Movie night at his place with lots of buttery popcorn and a little necking followed by some really hot sex. Earlier in the day it had sounded like heaven but now she didn't know. Jack seemed tenser since they had returned from Oregon. Or maybe it was her, and she was projecting her doubts onto him. Either way the ease seemed to be slipping away from their relationship. She was letting her inability to write one song affect every aspect of her life and it was starting to piss her off. She wanted to be with Jack. Everything else could wait for one more night.

  JACK HAD NO idea what they were watching. It was a movie, obviously. A lot of things were getting blown up. And maybe somebody was about to betray someone. Hell, he didn't even care. He wasn't paying attention any more than Rose was. Her head was on his shoulder and she seemed to be watching but he knew if she'd had to she couldn’t have described the plot. Hell, Edgar probably knew more about it than either of them.

  "I need some more to drink." Rose picked up her half full glass and headed for the kitchen. "Can I get you anything?

  "I'm good."

  When Rose returned—empty handed—Jack gave up and turned off the TV. Rose sat back down without comment and neither of them spoke for several minutes. It was crazy. They always had something to say. It was the first time he could remember even a moment of awkward silence between them.

  "What's wrong, Rose?"

  "Nothing." She glanced at Jack. "Really. Other than that song I'm having problems with I'm good." She waited another second before turning towards him. "Is there something you're not telling me about?"

  Jack sighed. Fine, he'd go first.

  "You've been tense the past couple of days. And it's not just because of work."

  "I thought you were the tense one. I'm fine." Rose knew what she was doing. A little voice was yelling for her to stop before it was too late. But the rest of her wasn't listening.

  "Me? Why do you think I have a problem?"

  "Because you thought that by taking me to meet your family I would suddenly be so dazzled by the warm family vibe that I would realize what I've been missing. You thought I would declare my undying love and beg you to marry me."

  "Don't be ridiculous." Jack stood and began to pace. "I didn't think any of that. What's more, you don't believe I did."

  "At least admit that, subconsciously, you were hoping something would happen."

  "I wanted you to meet my family, Rose. End of story." Jack rounded on her. "And, by the way, I lied before. I do think this is all about your work. You've put so much importance on that stupid song that you've lost all perspective."

  "Are you saying that my work is stupid?" God, could she hear herself? She was spewing so much crap that she expected brown globs to start falling out of her mouth at any moment.

  "You know that's not what I'm saying." Jack's patience was rapidly coming to an end. "But admit it, you've equated not being able to write a love song with you not being able to love me."

  What, now he could read her mind? True or not she wasn't going to admit it to anyone, especially not Jack.

  "It’s just a song, Jack."

  "Exactly. But you've built it up into some mammoth symbol of failure. The fact is if you don't love me it has nothing to do with a song," Jack yelled.

  "Damn it, Jack. You can't get angry when I warned you from the very beginning that this would happen."

  "I'm not angry that you don't love me, Rose. I'm angry that you won't admit to yourself that you do."

  "Sam Laughton wants me in Paris." Great segue. The man accuses you of being in love with him and you throw Paris in his face. "He thinks a change of scenery is what I need to get past my writer's block."

  "Are you going?" All the heat had left his words. Now he just sounded incredibly tired.

  Rose shrugged. "I told him I'd think about it." She wanted to scream she was sorry, to tell him that she didn't want to leave him for even a day. But the words wouldn't come out. Instead, she watched as his eyes turned a frigid blue.

  "Go then."

  "Jack—,"

  "Now, Rose." Jack picked up her purse and handed it to her. "Go home now. And go to Paris, I don't care anymore. If you think this thing between us is a game, then you're going to have to find a different playmate."

  Again she wanted to speak. She wanted to beg him to let her stay, just let her be with him. But instead she walked out the door and didn't look back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  "SO YOU PICKED a fight with him."

  "That's not what I said."

  Rose had decided to hunker down in her house and never come out. That resolve had lasted until about noon. It didn't take long for her to become sick of her depressingly dreary company and she had drag herself over to Dani's house. One look at her and Dani had called Tyler. After telling them everything that had happened Rose had expected sympathy. She wasn't getting any.

  "You accused him of trying to manipulate you, even though you knew it wasn't true."

  "I guess," Rose grumbled.

  "And after he called you on it, you went and threw Paris and a hunky producer in his face."

  "I never said anything about Sam being hunky." Great, her friends were easily picking apart her arguments. It was making it difficult for Rose to hold on to that little bit of righteous indignation that had kept her going for the last twelve hours.

  "Admit it Rose, you picked a fight with Jack hoping he would break up with you hoping it would magically absolve you of any blame." Dani was sympathetic. She knew how difficult this was for Rose. But when you loved someone and had known them as long as they'd all known one and other, well, sympathy had to end somewhere. Sometimes you needed to administer a swift kick in the ass. With love, of course. She looked at Tyler as if to say, your turn.

  "This would be so much easier if you weren't in love with Jack." Tyler knew Rose would protest, so she simply sat back and let her get it out of her system.

  "But that's the problem, I don't—I can't—love him. I want to. Jack is the only man in the world that I would love if I could." Rose was feeling panicky again. Heart pumping, short of breath. "I always thought something inside me was broken, but that's not it. I believed that because of my mother and Louise I was so damaged loving someone just wasn't possible. But I can't blame them anymore. I just don't have it in me. I never did. And you're right. I took the cowards way out and let Jack end it. God, I knew I was a mess but on top of everything I'm a terrible person."

  Dani and Tyler exchanged helpless looks. Okay, change of plan. You couldn't kick someone in the ass when they were already doing it to themselves. Sitting closer, they gave Rose a group hug.

  "It would help if you'd cry. Pressure reliever extraordinaire."

  "Great," Rose whispered. "Something else to add to my list of things wrong with me. Number three hundred and six—Rose can't cry."

  "There's nothing wrong with not crying every five minutes." Tyler leaned over lightly slapped Dani on the side of the head. Her glare said she would have liked it to have been a lot harder.

  "I didn't mean it like that." Dani mouthed sorry to Tyler, hugging Rose harder. "I meant you need to find a way to let out all that tension. If you aren't relaxed, you can't think straight. You shouldn't make any plans when you're all tied up in knots."

  "What I need to do is apologize to Jack." But she couldn't face seeing that look of anger and defeat again. She could leave him a message, but that would be even worse. Apologies of this magnitude you couldn't give on voicemail.

  "What we all need to do is
hit the gym." Tyler stood and pulled Rose to her feet. "Dani's right about getting rid of all that tension. An hour or two working up a good sweat and you'll be thinking a lot clearer."

  "Can't I just get in my pajamas and eat ice cream?" Rose let herself be pushed into Dani's car. "As my best friends you're supposed to encourage me I to sit around with messy hair and watch sad movies."

  "I am burning all your rom-coms," Tyler proclaimed. "But I promise you can let your hair be as messy as you like while we're working out."

  "Thanks a lot," Rose mumbled. Fine, she would go and sweat her ass off. But there was no way Tyler was going anywhere near her rom-coms.

  "I WON'T GET any volunteers for you to beat up this time."

  Jack didn't bother to look up. He was working and he didn't want to be interrupted. And he definitely didn't want Drew making any attempts to knock him out of his funk. Around four o'clock that morning, he had burrowed deep enough into his dark mood that he was starting to enjoy its company. He was getting a perverse satisfaction out of brooding and he planned to keep it up for some time to come.

  "If you aren't in here to tell me the building is on fire then get out."

  "Maybe I want to talk business."

  "Text me. Email me. Hell, stand outside the door and tap out your message in Morse code. I don't care as long as it doesn't involve human interaction."

  Ignoring him, Drew sat and put his feet up on Jack's desk. Not a move his friend appreciated when he was in the best of moods.

  "This must have to do with Rose." Drew took Jack's growl as a yes. "So what did you do this time?"

  "Me?" Jack shot out of his chair. "Why assume I'm to blame? You're my friend; you're supposed to tell me I'm better off without her, that I can do better. That all I have to do is snap my fingers and I can have a hundred women lined up to replace her."