True Divide

by Liora Blake

  In the placement of his hand over mine, the soft well-tended hand of a man, combined with those words, my stomach starts to tumble. If Jake isn’t here, if he isn’t coming back, if he can’t even bring himself to try, where does that leave me? Right now, it leaves me in a weak slump on the empty floor of an empty room, with a seemingly good man’s hand on mine. Even if I don’t really want Matthew, not in any significant way, I want this comfort. I wanted it from Jake, but he isn’t here. Instead, another man showed up and said what I needed to hear.

  When I turn my gaze up to his, I see it. The flicker in a man’s eyes when he realizes you’re opening yourself up to him. A spark of triumph and curiosity, mixed with just enough lust to make my heart turn fluttery for the briefest moment.

  Because even the smallest crack in a woman’s armor is sometimes more than enough. I avoided that glimmer for what seems like ages now. That flash used to make me feel alive, powerful, for as long as it took him to get me naked and breathless. After that, their eyes inevitably darkened—not hatefully, merely flatly. And that was worse.

  When I finish signing the last few papers and he tucks them back into the folder, he only has to ask.

  “Lunch?”

  I say what makes the most sense. The words that don’t feel quite like a betrayal to another man who said he loved me but left me again, words that aren’t at cross-purposes with my heart.

  “Sure. Why not?”

  The restaurant is almost painfully trendy, with all the trappings of the hip, gentrified neighborhood it occupies. Reclaimed wood everywhere it will fit, mason jars incorporated in the light fixtures, and garage doors where walls might be in a less remarkable establishment. Chalkboard menus have succinct descriptions, in the full-stop style that says nearly nothing about how whatever you order will actually taste. A place where everything is a shank off something, but responsibly harvested.

  Just inside the front door, Matthew puts his hand to the small of my back and presses so gently there, it feels almost unintentional. I slow my gait just a fraction, hoping it will push him closer, even when I can’t be sure why. Perhaps I want to feel some ember of interest that could kindle into more if I only try hard enough. But when his hand shifts the tiniest bit lower and his fingers drift closer to my hip, I have to fight the urge to twist away.

  Once seated, we work our way through the shared plates he orders for us, chatting easily, first-date-type banter peppered with the occasional drift toward weightier things. Ruth Ann’s funeral, Matthew losing his father as a kid, small references to the breakups and broken hearts between us. All between bites of burrata with heirloom tomatoes, frico caldo, and that charcuterie he’s so fond of.

  But I don’t think about what it might be like to kiss him, or consider how his body might look under his expensive, tailored clothes. I don’t find myself lingering on any physical aspect of him. His hazel eyes, the full lips that part to reveal straight white teeth, the way he pushed up the sleeves on his sweater and the surprising tease of what appears to be a full-sleeve tattoo revealed itself.

  Nothing. Even now, when his hand presses more purposefully to my waist as we leave the restaurant, there’s mostly silence from my body. If I could, I would force it. Anything to feel the slightest tinge of desire toward this sexy, smart, accomplished man. I consider pinching the skin on my forearm just to ensure I’m alive.

  We drove separately, but parked just a few spaces away from each other in a lot adjacent to the restaurant. Matthew stops us next to my car, pausing to slip past the truck parked next to mine. We’re crowded together in a relatively small space, standing face-to-face in a way that would be perfect if I wanted him to kiss me.

  “Thanks for letting me take you to lunch.”

  I huff a quiet chuckle. “What do I say to that? ‘You’re welcome’?”

  He looks away for a moment, then makes as if he wants to put his hand to my skin somehow. Before he does, he awkwardly runs his hand through his hair. “The last time I saw you, you said you were involved with someone. But now we’re here and unless I’m losing my mind, it feels like something’s different.”

  A million things are different. I fell in love. It destroyed me. Then I stumbled into a big, gaping hole of misery and only crawled out of it yesterday. Matthew doesn’t know the details but it seems he’s smart enough to see the shadows and fill in the blanks.

  I manage to mumble a few sounds that make it clear I don’t know what to say, how to answer to his assessment. Matthew holds up a hand to stop me, then rests it on the roof of my car, where the posture puts his body even closer to mine.

  And, dammit, there’s nothing. Not even the hint of anticipatory excitement. Instead, I’m on the verge of taking a step backward, maybe a few, just to ensure he can’t touch me. Because if he does, I’ll probably cry. The poor guy will think he did something wrong, and he hasn’t. I force my body to stay put even if it hurts every inch of my skin to imagine any man other than Jake being close enough to kiss me.

  “Is something different, Lacey? Because if you’re available, I’d like a shot here.” He furrows his brow a little at my lack of a response, and leans forward incrementally. “Are you single now?”

  Jesus. Simple question, Lacey. Only two answers exist. Yes or no.

  Pick one.

  But I can’t. No right answer announces itself or leaves my lips. My head is saying yes. Yes, I’m unattached from a man who can’t be bothered to fight for me or even bring himself to send me an email. My heart, though, is screaming, caterwauling, and wailing the opposite. No, no, no.

  When I shrug to answer him, Matthew’s shoulders sag and his gaze drops. All I can do then is apologize. Say I’m sorry for trying to fill the hole in my heart with someone else, when the very idea is unimaginable.

  21

  Paint chips cover the front counter at The Beauty Barn. I’ve scattered them about in piles by color family, keeping the blues and greens far away from the red and yellow choices so I can see each in its own light. A fresh coat on the walls seems like the best first step to making this place feel more like my own. Not so dramatic a renovation that it would require power tools, but it’s a start.

  I shove the pastel peach chips off to the side. Those haven’t looked good anywhere in decades. Picking up a bold charcoal-colored sample, I hold the little square up and try to envision it on the walls. When the front door bell tinkles, I look over and Dusty is standing there, out of uniform and holding his old John Deere hat in one of his hands. My shoulders sink and I immediately drop the paint chip, hoping he won’t ask what I’m up to. I’ll just stand here and hopefully, if I keep my wits about me, he won’t stay long.

  “Hey, Lace.”

  Odd. His voice is too quiet. Not even the tiniest edge to his words. Dusty steps forward, hat still clutched in front of him and pressed to his pronounced paunchy belly. No strutting or swaggering. He actually dips his chin a bit when he pauses at the counter, deference in the gesture.

  I don’t care for it. At all. I rely on every bit of Dusty’s arrogance and conceit to keep our relationship in perspective. Deference will not do. I say nothing, simply raise my brows, and ask what he needs with that gesture.

  “Just came by to check on you. Make sure you’re doing OK. Ruth Ann and . . . everything.”

  I drop my gaze and pretend to flip through a stack of mail, trying to obscure the rest of the swatches as covertly as possible. The junk mail becomes my focus. I inspect each piece, front and back, before tearing open the envelopes with precise flicks of my letter opener. “I’m fine.”

  “Brought you these.” A bag of animal crackers appears from behind him and flops onto the counter.

  Oh God. What is he doing? What is this? I grind my jaw together and peer up through my lashes at him, waiting for the punch line or the inevitable jab about my hips. But when I see his expression, I understand everything. This is soft, frosted-sugar-
cookie Dusty. Likeable Lofthouse-cookie Dusty.

  The man is perfectly capable, adept really, at being charming. He can woo if he wants. Unfortunately, once you bite into the weird frosted-sugar-cookie Dusty, your tongue starts to itch because you realize how wrong it all is. Nothing with that kind of softness should bear such an extended shelf life; it isn’t natural. Thankfully, I now know that unlike an actual Lofthouse cookie, this version of Dusty only lasts a finite amount of time. He can’t maintain being charming beyond the length of a one-act melodrama.

  Flatly, I do my best to remain polite. “Thanks.”

  “Look, I want to put something on the table. I’ve been thinking.” His body tips forward, his hands resting on the counter to inch closer to me. “You and I make sense. Maybe you can see that now. I do. We should give this another go, don’t you think? Like, for real, make it official. It’s time, I guess.”

  My hand freezes on the latest piece of junk mail in my grip and the other starts to tremble under grasping the letter opener so fiercely, trying desperately to avoid poking something, or someone, with it.

  It’s time? I guess?

  Kill me now. Just let a giant, thunderous crack of lightning crash through the roof of The Beauty Barn and strike me dead. Right here. Right now. Because if there is a less romantic, more pathetic declaration of affection in the history of all declarations, I don’t know what it could be.

  I look up at the ceiling and wait, pray a bit harder for my own demise. My eyes skitter around, but nothing happens. Finally, with a long, shuddering exhale, I drop my head and look Dusty in the eye.

  “No.”

  He straightens up a bit and his features tighten a fraction. “No?”

  “No.”

  That’s all it takes. Every bit of agreeableness he was using to lure me in disappears. Pushing up from the counter, he slaps the hat back on his head and gives it a tug, mouth curling into a sneer.

  “I was right, wasn’t I? Jake Holt decided you weren’t worth it. He got what he wanted from you, a few passable fucks, then bolted. I was willing to overlook that, Lace. Your loss.”

  I keep my eyes fixed on his. He backs out of the store, gaze unrelenting, and because I’m focusing so intently, my eyes begin to sting. When the little bell tinkles again, I’m finally able to breathe.

  I head home in the dark and cold. Once there, I rummage through the cupboards and successfully manage to heat water for a cup of cellulose-ish noodles and dehydrated vegetables. I vaguely want to drink heavily, but I don’t have anything alcoholic in the house and the small obstacle of venturing out into the world is enough to deter my desire for getting plowed until I pass out.

  People are always babbling about closure, the obnoxiously unreliable words we think we need to put our grief in its place and move on. I never felt like I needed that before. When my dad died, I didn’t. After Dusty and I broke up, I didn’t. Even losing Ruth Ann felt like full circle from the day of her funeral. Maybe I’m too good at letting go. Maybe staying safely in the places I’ve always known has made it easy to do.

  Jake has been the only thing I ever held on to with enough ferocity for it to really hurt. And I’d like it to stop hurting now.

  Closure. That’s what I need. At least that’s what I tell myself as I open up my email.

  Nothing more, nothing less than the comfort of some closure.

  TO: jake.holt6239

  FROM: laciegracie93

  SUBJECT: [none]

  Was I worth it?

  22

  Closure isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Especially when you’re the only one participating. I stayed awake last night until nearly two in the morning, waiting for him to respond. I waited for the ping of my email, the sound of my phone ringing, but everything in my house stayed silent.

  When Kate called me this afternoon, she sounded odd, asking me how I was doing in a weird way that made my skin crawl a little. A few days ago she asked me what my plan was. She mumbled something about selling the building, all the options I might have if I did, then she narrowed her eyes at me and waited for my answer. I shrugged my shoulders and told her that having options sounded a little petrifying. I spent a long time thinking I didn’t have any. Just deciding what color swatch to pick feels like a lot for now.

  Today, though, her tone was too inquisitive, too hopeful, as if she thought I would be all better now. I wanted to tell her I was working on this little thing they call closure, and I would let her know when I found it. Instead, I simply said I was fine. It was easier that way.

  At the end of the day, I start to sweep the long aisleways and consider locking up early. But the sudden sound of the front bell forces that hope away. Before I can even make my way to the front counter, I hear the lock clicking on the front door. I stop and try to calm the race of my heartbeat.

  When I shuffle out and turn, I have to consciously avoid letting out a near-involuntary moan at the sight of Jake standing a few feet away, clenching his fists up at his sides, a few days too many of stubble on his face, and tired little bags under his eyes.

  “That was a dumb question, Shoelace.”

  Standing there dazed, I’m capable of nothing beyond a little shake of my head.

  “You asked me if you were worth it. Dumb question. Every second with you has been worth it. Every second loving you has been worth it. Even when you’re ripping my heart out of my goddam chest and stomping on it with your pretty painted toes, you are worth it.”

  My chin twitches at the instinct to cry. I clench my fists up and mirror his posture. Email closure is one thing. But Jake Holt standing here in front of me only makes the idea of ever being able to close the door on him, at all, seem like an impossibility.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “You opened the door with that email. I called Kate, asked if I could fly in and land at her place. Figured I should come shove my foot in the door, in person, before you tried to slam it shut again.”

  “Why didn’t you open the door? You didn’t even try.”

  Jake shakes his head and then looks at the ground. “I’ve been busy. Being pissed at you and wanting to die is time-consuming. Also, I didn’t want this. I stood there and asked you to pick me. You told me to go to hell.”

  I want to say I’m sorry, and simultaneously tell him to go to hell again because he’s still making it sound like the answer should have been obvious to me. If anything, the bright neon lesson learned here is that the two of us haven’t asked the right questions about what it might take to do this thing for real. Like grown-ups.

  “No. You asked me to give up everything. Pick you over myself. That’s a lot to ask, Jake.”

  His jaw opens, readying a response, but then he shuts it again. I close the distance between us and stand as near as I can without touching him. Jake looks down and traces his tongue across the edge of his teeth, then clenches his jaw together.

  “I know. I get that now.” A pause, long enough for him to let his shoulders relax. “And you know what? It hurt like hell that you didn’t just say yes. Is that selfish? Probably. The selfish asshole inside me still wants that. But I’m here to choose us, Lacey. However you need me. Whatever way you’ll take me.”

  I take a deep breath. “Ruth Ann died. I wanted you so much I couldn’t see straight. I needed you then.”

  He shakes his head slowly. “All you had to do was ask for me. Even if I knew you wouldn’t run away from Crowell with me, I would have swallowed my pride and been here.”

  Every word from his mouth comes out too flat, nearly emotionless. Christ, this isn’t going well. He’s standing there declaring all the right things, but his tone says we aren’t on solid ground. Nowhere near it. We’re standing six inches apart, but unless one of us gives, the divide between our lives will be too much. The very idea of knowing he’s out there in the world, possibly making a life with someone else, makes m
y heart ache in a way that I won’t easily be able to bear.

  Jake breaks first. “I’m willing to try living here in Crowell, if that’s what you want. I did some checking around, put out some feelers, and I think there are enough outfitters around here that I can make it work.”

  I start to shake my head to stop him but he keeps going, looking around the store, and flails his hand about. “If you need some part-time help here, I might be able to learn enough about makeup and nail polish to fumble my way through it without ruining some poor girl’s self-esteem. Just please don’t make me talk to anyone about waxing or any kind of hair removal. I can’t do it. So fucking weird.”

  “Jake.” He continues to gawk around the shop, almost as if he’s never been here before. I tug on his shirt to get his full attention. “You can’t work here.”

  His face falls. “OK. I just want—”

  “No.” I cut him off and press my hands to his chest. He’s warm and he’s here, and all I want is for us to fix this thing, together. “You can’t work here because you would suck at it. No question. You. Would. Suck. Possibly ruin my entire business single-handedly.”

  Jake visibly relaxes before me, then laughs with a shrug that concedes the obvious. He lets his gaze move across my face, searching, waiting for me to say more, but I’m a little stuck for what should come next. His hand comes up to thread the hair back from my face, but before he does, he falters a bit. Maybe because my eyelids flutter a little, or because he can tell I’m panicking, he gives in and lets his hand trace through my hair and fall to grasp lightly at the back of my neck.

  “Don’t hold back on me, Lacey. I need you to tell me everything you’re thinking.”

  A small trembling exhale leaves me, the release of every hesitance I’ve been bottling up. “I think we need to be together. I’m not sure where, or what it looks like exactly. I just know it has to be the two of us. We start here, in Crowell, until we figure out what’s next. Can you handle that?”