----------6----------
I still can’t believe I let myself get roped into this. I need my head read. I do not want to be at a barbecue at Katerina’s. I do not want to be set up with some dope who can’t get himself a date. Actually, he’s a decent looking guy so I can’t understand why he can’t get himself a date. There’s obviously something fundamentally wrong with him. Maybe he’s gay and Katerina wants me to confirm it. That’s got to be it. Why am I not convinced of this? Why do I know deep down in my gut that this Chris isn’t gay? Why am I so nervous about this whole thing? All I have to do is go in there and, if the situation calls for it, be my sweet, sarcastic, smart arse self and put an end to it all. That’s what I’ll do. Be myself and finally put an end to Kati’s ridiculous matchmaking attempts. It’ll serve her right when this all blows up in her face. After all, I’ve been up since six this morning making fried rice and a cake and it’s her bloody fault that I am now sitting in the car outside her place trying to figure out just how the hell I am going to make it up the steps without dropping everything. I know I’m talented but juggling is one skill I forgot to master.
Okay, I can do this. I can get out of the car and carefully balance the dishes. Here I go. Amazingly, I make it up the stairs and I even manage to knock on her door without loosing the rice or the cake. God I’m such a wog. No matter how hard I try to deny it, I am what I am: a wog. After all, I’m here with a tub of rice and a cake and I didn’t even cheat and get my mother to make it. In fact, I think my mother almost had a heart attack when she saw me making a walnut cake in the kitchen. I think she thought I didn’t actually know where the kitchen was or what it was used for. I swear she was crossing herself when she saw me. You’d think she just witnessed a miracle or something.
‘What the hell are you wearing, Des?’ What sort of a greeting is that after I have slaved in a hot kitchen all day for her?
‘Jeans and a tank top, Kati. You remember those from your pre-pregnancy days don’t you?’ Okay, I’m a bitch, but she deserved that one. ‘You want to help me with this stuff.’ At least she has taken the rice from me so now I can juggle the cake and my handbag.
‘Couldn’t you have worn a skirt or something? Y’know, dressed up a bit?’
Geez, what sort of image of me does she want to present?
‘Kati, last time I checked, jeans were perfectly acceptable for a barbecue. Besides, I may be stuck in the kitchen with you, but I am not dressing like a 1950s wog wife.’
‘I knew you wouldn’t let me down. Deep down, you’re just a softie.’
‘Shut up, Kati.’ God, it’s a good thing she’s pregnant otherwise there is no way I would have taken the bait. ‘I’m only here to help you out. Soon as the major stuff is done, I am out of here.’ Bitchiness in the voice is so evident. Katerina just laughs at me. I can’t believe that she finds all this amusing. And she knows as well as I do that the major stuff won’t be over till at least two in the morning. God, it’s only just gone four. It’s going to be a long night.
Okay, we’ve chopped salads, the meat is ready to be thrown on the barbie, the tables are set and the cutlery is wrapped in napkins. Everything is done. My mother would have a heart attack if she could see me. Everything that I don’t do at home I have done here. Okay, so I am a little bit lazy at home, but that’s only because I know that everything will get done eventually, so why kill myself over the whole domestic scene of life?
Looking over at Katerina, I’ve got to ask.
‘So how much time have we got before the masses arrive?’ It’s six-thirty; I know I don’t have long. Ding dong. I don’t have long at all.
‘About that much time.’ Katerina runs to the door before the kids get there.
Please don’t let that be him. Please let him be the last to arrive so this night won’t drag on for an eternity.
Please, God, just let him be one of the late arrivals I swear I will behave myself as long as he isn’t the first to arrive.
‘Despina, how you my girl?’ Thank you, God, it’s Katerina’s mum. I guess I’d better stick to my word and behave. I don’t want to be struck by lightning or have my karma come back and bite me on the bum.
‘I’m well, Thia. How are you?’ Kiss, kiss. Katerina’s mum thinks I’m absolutely perfect, a living doll for all the help that I have given her daughter today. But like everyone else, she too wonders why I am still single. I’ve given up trying to explain to her that I choose to be single.
An hour later things are going well. The crowd is slowly starting to arrive, but no sign of the infamous Chris. Maybe he’s come down with some twenty-four hour bug. That would serve Katerina right – all of her planning and scheming down the drain. Her parents are here, so are the in-laws, the brothers, sisters, partners and children. The backyard looks like a day care centre with all the kids running around the barbecue and Katerina’s husband, George, and his brother Manoli desperately trying to keep them all from harms way while cooking the meat and sucking back their Carlton Coldies. All in all, a pretty average night. And no sign of Chris. Maybe he got wise to Katerina’s game and bailed on her. That would serve her right. Yippee. I’m so happy, I’m practically skipping to the door because the doorbell rang a minute ago and everyone has their hands full with kids and dirty nappies that they can’t get to it.
I must be being punished for something I did in a previous life. In my blind relief at the thought of Chris not coming, I’d not considered the fact that the person who rang the doorbell might be him. Good one, Desi.
And now I’m standing here staring at him. Brain, please don’t fail me now. I need something smart, something witty, something ‘me’.
‘Hi, come on in.’ What the hell was that? Real witty, Desi.
‘Hi.’ The poor guy barely knows where to look. I don’t know why, I’m not showing that much cleavage am I? Quick glance confirms just a subtle hint of cleavage –can’t help it that I have ample.
‘Desi right?’ He knows my name. Now that means one of two things. Either he has a really good memory from the baptism or Katerina has been flapping her gums. Probably the latter.
‘Yeah, that’s right. You’re um … ’ Good line, always works. ‘Sorry, I’m really bad with names.’ As if. Anyone who knows me knows that I can still remember the names of my kindergarten classmates. Coy giggle on queue.
‘Chris.’ Like I had forgotten.
‘Come through, Chris.’ Poor bastard is so loaded down with cakes and plates that his mother must have sent that he can barely juggle them. I can’t let him fall flat on his face with them, can I? Can I? How I wish my conscience would take a flying leap. I grab one parcel. ‘Let me help you, Chris.’
I can see Katerina grinning as we walk towards the kitchen. How I hate her right now. She looks so smug.
I’ll show her. I have to.
‘Thanks, Desi.’ Chris looks relieved as we walk through the kitchen and dump the parcels. He does the rounds of the women and heads out the back to do some male bonding, and I head straight for Katerina to do some female bonding, that could easily lead to female bashing – metaphorically speaking of course.
‘Kati.’ I corner her. ‘What have you been telling him about me?
‘Nothing, Des. Why?’ She actually looks sincere. She’s getting better at this manipulation thing. Damn, I think I have taught her too well. It’s going to be a long night.
I need a cigarette. I really need one. I can’t smoke in front of Katerina’s parents because the look on their faces makes me feel like I have committed the most horrific crime. I need to kill some lung cells in order to relieve the stress of the night so far. Every time I turn around he’s there. I’m surprised he hasn’t followed me into the toilet yet.
Quick check of pockets. Smokes in one, mobile phone in the other. I sneak out to the side of the house, hoping for some peace and quiet to recap on the first part of tonight. It’s already after ten but this shindig is showing no signs of winding up any time soon.
I slide down
the side of the house and park my butt on the cool concrete. The first puff is the deepest and I enjoy it. First smoke in over three hours. The night has been okay so far. Luckily, Katerina hasn’t done anything obvious, like push me into Chris’s lap. He and I were sitting opposite each other at the dinner table, which meant that I could barely manage to eat more than two bites while he happily shovelled away the food, complimenting Katerina on her culinary delights.
‘Hey, Katerina, this rice is superb.’ Her rice? Ha!
‘Thanks. Desi made that.’ At least she paid credit where credit was due, albeit for her own selfish reasons.
‘Mmm, Des, this is delicious.’ And what sort of smart witty reply did I come back with?
‘Thanks, it’s nothing special.’ Oh, yeah, my brain has definitely taken a leave of absence tonight.
Throughout dinner he kept trying to engage me in conversation. Why? Why didn’t he just talk soccer or politics or footy or something with the other guys? Why was he paying me so much attention? And why wasn’t he put off by my monosyllabic answers? He even kept refilling my glass. Thank God I’m on soft drink tonight otherwise at the rate that he was going I’d be plastered by now.
I don’t understand why I’m letting this whole thing get to me. This is ridiculous. The guy means nothing to me.
I’m happy sitting here, away from everyone. The concrete and brick feels so cool against my skin. Katerina will probably send a search party if I don’t go back inside soon. Let her. Let her think that I snuck away and abandoned her, left her to the mercy of her family. Actually, the panic that’ll cause may well bring about premature labour.
‘Hi.’ Who? What? Shit. Dropped the bloody smoke on my jeans. I flick it away before I look up – I’ll kill whoever just scared the willy’s out of me if I’ve burnt my jeans. Oh, Jesus, it’s him. I can’t believe Katerina sent Chris to look for me. That’s just bad form. What on earth is he doing? He’s sliding down beside me. Why? Compose yourself, Desi. Cool, calm, collected. Hmmm, I wonder what aftershave he’s wearing? Smells delicious. I think it might be Calvin Klein. Love Calvin Klein. What the hell am I thinking?
‘Nice night, huh?’ Just what I need, he’s doing the small talk thing again. I am going to kill Katerina. She is going to drive me to psychiatric care one day very soon.
‘Yeah, I guess.’ I light up another cigarette to replace the one he made me lose. I inhale very deeply.
‘Smoking will stunt your growth.’ Okay, now he’s trying to be funny. I know that aftershave from somewhere. God it smells yummy.
‘Given that I’m five foot ten, I don’t think I need to worry about that.’ Good response. Mentally pat myself on the back for that one.
‘Good grief.’ What is he good griefing about? ‘You can actually put more than two words together.’
If looks could kill, this guy would be going through a meat grinder right about now.
‘I was beginning to wonder.’ He laughs lightly as he teases me.
Despite my annoyance at myself and at him, I suddenly find I have this unbelievable urge to run my hand along the stubble that has appeared on his face. Slap slap slap. I mentally slap myself really hard and tell my stomach to stop doing backflips.
‘Haven’t been in a chatty sort of mood tonight.’ That’s as close to an explanation as he’s going to get from me. He should be apologising to me for almost making me burn a new pair of jeans.
‘With me, right?’ Smart boy. So he has picked up on my attitude. I actually thought that I was being subtle. I guess I kind of forgot my earlier oath to behave myself and this is now God’s idea of payback.
‘Look I’m sorry, Chris, if I’ve come across as rude. It’s just me.’ I can’t believe I just apologised. I can’t believe how cute he looks sitting here in the dark. Now if this was a bar and he wasn’t Katerina’s koumbaro, I would definitely be putting on the charm. What the hell am I thinking?
‘Well, that’s a relief. I thought maybe I smelled or something.’ He does smell, but it’s a nice smell.
He’s grabbing my smokes. ‘Mind if I have one?’ Why is he even asking? He’d already lit it up before the question came out. Presumptuous prick.
‘It’ll stunt your growth.’
God he has a sexy laugh. Okay, call in the men in white coats – I think I’m losing my mind. I have definitely taken leave of my senses.
‘You know what, Desi?’
At this very moment I know very little. In fact I feel like I know nothing. I’ll just let him continue and enlighten me with what I should know.
‘I’m actually very glad that you’re here tonight.’
‘Why?’ I don’t know what else to say to his comment.
‘Well, everyone here is either married or getting married or is under the age of ten. Nice to know I’m not alone in the single world.’
How does he know I’m single? For all he knows I could have a fiancé or husband and half a dozen kids packed away somewhere.
‘How can you be sure that I don’t have one of those domestic lives hidden away somewhere?’ What a stupid question. Katerina would have answered that question when she planned this night. She would have left no room for doubt about the status of my love life, or lack thereof.
‘I asked Katerina.’
Confirmation that there have been discussions going on about me. I feel like a lamb headed off to the slaughter. Now I know how those poor lambs feel at Easter. They’re taken somewhere peaceful, fed up and fattened up, lulled into a false sense of security, and then out comes the butcher with the axe. I was lulled into that false sense of security by being allowed to sneak away for a few minutes’ peace, and bam, there comes Chris with his own kind of axe to chop me up and place me on a roasting spit.
‘Excuse me? Did Katerina send you out here to find me as well?’ I’m angry now. But I don’t really know why, which is making me even angrier. Am I angry at Katerina for orchestrating this whole thing or angry at myself for falling into her trap?
‘Des, you sure are paranoid.’
He’s mocking me. He finds this amusing.
‘I came looking for you because I wanted to.’
Oh my God, stomach please settle down, please, pretty please stop fluttering like the butterfly display at the zoo. I can stay calm, take a drag of my cigarette, and appear cool. The plan backfires as I choke on the smoke.
‘Why?’ I can only croak recovering from the choking. ‘Why did you want to find me?’
‘Because I’ve been hassling Katerina about you ever since Stella’s christening.’
Everything is starting to make sense now. He hassles Katerina, Katerina hassles me and suckers me into tonight. And I show up looking like a dag with my hair in a ponytail to teach Katerina a lesson. Although I wish someone would remind me just what lesson I was supposed to be teaching her.
‘What do you mean? What has Katerina told you about me?’ I have to know, but I don’t know if he is going to be straight with me. I shudder to imagine what bull she has spun about me.
I can’t believe that Chris is laughing. He finds this whole thing amusing. It makes me feel so uncomfortable that I keep looking at the floor and he’s laughing his head off. That does it.
‘What the fuck is so funny, arsehole?’ I explode, and he’s practically rolling around on the ground in hysterics –at my expense. I am definitely not impressed. I just wishhe didn’t look so damn sexy when he laughed because it is really hard to stay angry with a sexy man.
‘You and Katerina corner me here tonight and you think it’s hysterical. That’s it, I’ve had enough.’ I’m standing, I’m out of here. I can walk out of here with my dignity.
‘Desi, wait, don’t go.’
Why should I stay? Why should I listen to anything that this prick has to say? Why am I not moving?
‘Look, Desi, I asked Katerina about you because after Stella’s christening I couldn’t get you out of my head.’
I’m looking at him. He looks sincere, and he looks honest. Why am I s
uddenly overcome by an uncontrollable fear? I don’t even know what I am afraid of.
‘I didn’t do anything spectacular at the christening.’
I was so hungover that night I could barely function. I had finally broken up with Denny the night before and consoled myself with my friends and vodka till seven in the morning. So what on earth was it that had left such a lasting impression on him?
I ask him just that. I can play with this now. I think my brain has returned to my body. I think I can be my usual smartarse self if I need to be. We’re both sitting on the concrete again.
‘How miserable you looked that night.’ What? What sort of an answer is that? Not my eyes, not my body, not my beauty. My misery? Hello, is this guy normal? I’m confused.
‘Huh?
‘Well, you were trying to get into the party mood but your eyes gave away the fact that you were so miserable. And the fact that you kept staring at the empty chair beside you.’
This guy’s got a good memory. The chair was empty because I had RSVP’d for two people. Denny was supposed to come with me.
‘I’d had a rough time the night before.’
And that’s all that Chris is going to know about that. No way am I going to explain that mess to a total stranger.
‘Well, whoever he was, he wasn’t worth it.’
Oh my God. He’s smooth; he knows exactly what to say. It wasn’t hard to guess that a guy had been the cause of my misery that night.
‘Believe me, I got over my misery very quickly.’ I’m chuckling with him. I’m laughing. I’m enjoying talking to Chris. I don’t understand this. Katerina is sure to come looking for me soon and how pleased would she be to find us like this.
Good Greek Girls Don't Page 5