He moves closer, wrapping his arms around my body and pulling me against his chest. “It’s okay.” He kisses the top of my head.
“I got there and saw Cooper with this…” I groan. “God, Gray, he was with this beautiful blonde girl. She was so much prettier than me, and I got mad. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous, because this is normal for us. Getting mad is absurd.” I expel an unsteady breath. “Anyway, this guy sat next to me. He seemed like a perfect distraction for the night, so I left with him.”
I look up at Gray. He gazes at me, his forehead pinching in confusion. I know what he’s thinking: that I’ve left with plenty of guys. “Okay, what’s the punch line? I’m not getting it.”
My bottom lip trembles as disgust rolls through me. “I… I fucked Nate Richards last night, Grayson. He was the guy I picked up and I didn’t just fuck him once. I did it multiple times,” I confess.
Gray’s silence is deafening. His grip around me tightens, and he curses under his breath.
I knew it. This is bad. Stress eats at my insides, causing cramps to shoot straight through me. “God,” I moan. “I’m such a disaster.”
“No, you’re not,” he says firmly. “I’ll fix this. I’ll talk with Nate. It’s going to be fine. But damn, Kylie, out of all the men in the world, you had to choose that piece of shit? I work with the guy, and he’s an ass.”
Of course I choose the man I shouldn’t. That’s my life. I’m always doing something that causes some sort of a problem. “I didn’t know. He was charming. He seemed sweet last night.”
He groans and stiffens. “He’s not sweet. He’s someone you don’t want to get involved with. Look, don’t stress, okay? I’ll fix this. This won’t affect Cooper or the business. You know I’ve got you.”
I nod and inhale Gray’s cologne and woodsy scent. He soothes me, makes me feel better. He’s always there when I need him, always ready to rescue me from myself. He’s a great guy, and the best friend a girl could have.
“All right, chin up. We need to get the hell out of here. I’ll make a call and get Calia a flight home. I’ll let Coop know you’re flying out with me. No more of this. Let’s just go home.” His tone is final, which works for me.
I have no intention of staying here and waiting for Cooper to come back. Yeah, I might be running, but oh well. I push off of Gray, sit up, and cross my legs, looking at him.
When our gazes connect, he smiles, eyes crinkling at the sides, and shakes his head. I watch him sit up to kiss my cheek. His warm lips land against my cool skin, and a tingle wisps across my face. He pulls back, and I see so much love in his expression. He places a finger under my chin. The moment turns intimate, and a shiver sneaks down my body as his aqua eyes glisten with affection.
“You know you’ll always have me no matter what happens, but you don’t have to keep this up anymore. You don’t need these men. They’ll never fill the void you’re trying to make go away. I know Cooper’s shutting you out, but no more of this.” The pad of his thumb caresses my cheek and my eyes close. “It doesn’t have to be like this anymore, sweet cheeks. It can change if you want it to. You just have to want it to be different. Not for Cooper, but for you. You’re worth it, Kylie.”
I open my eyes and stare into his, feeling my heart pick up speed.
“I don’t like all these men you use. Please, no more. If you need something, anything at all”—his eyes turn heated as his hands cup the nape of my neck—“just use me.”
I pull in a deep breath, almost a gasp. The way he’s looking at me, the way he cups my neck, feels very, very intimate. What he just said is laced with meaning. I don’t know what to do with this revelation. I glance down and fidget with my hands as he lets go of my neck.
“What does that mean?” He knows Coop and I have limits, boundaries, and I’m not sure what he’s trying to do.
“It means exactly what you think it means. I’m tired of seeing you suffering. I’m not standing by to watch it anymore. This was the last guy you used. I can’t… I just can’t hear or see it anymore. If you need something, need to feel something, come to me. I will take care of you. You know that.”
I look at him, my mouth ajar and face flushed. His brows lift, his face washed in sincerity. Everything about him is open and honest. He’s not embarrassed or uncomfortable. What the hell is he thinking?
“Jesus, what about Cooper?” I mutter, averting my eyes and getting off the bed.
“What about him?” His voice drops, and he gets up, moving toward me. “I know how you guys work. You’re both fucking each other over, but at the end of the day, he’s supposed to be your man.” He stops in front of me and pulls my chin up so I can meet his eyes. “I’m sorry, Ky, but I’ve been watching for so long. I can’t do it anymore. This bullshit, it has to stop. I’m tired of him; I’m tired of talking to him about you. I’m tired of trying to get him to wake up. If he can’t take care of his own wife, then maybe it’s time that someone who can, and who wants to, does so.”
“Grayson,” I whisper, my head reeling, “we have rules. Cooper and I have rules.”
“Fuck your rules. You’re damaging yourselves so badly that those stupid rules are irrelevant.” He takes a breath, his face littered with frustration. “Tell me, do you even remember what your golden rules are?”
Anger whips through me at the way he’s talking about Cooper and me. “Yes, of course I know what they are.”
“Remind me then.” His stare is unrelenting. He’s making a point.
I pull my face from his hand. “One: we never stay the night; we always come home. Two: We always use protection. Three: No fucking friends. Meaning you”—I point at him, my voice cracking—“and Calia are off limits.”
Hearing those stupid, disgusting rules breaks my heart. How did I become this? Why have I allowed this in my life? How could I have suggested this? I’m twenty-four, and my life’s a mess. God, my chest aches. I feel bruised inside, like a baseball bat has been taken to every organ. I can fault no one but myself. Self-loathing is a bad ass motherfucker, and right now, she’s kicking my ass.
He wraps me in his arms, sighing. “Be honest with yourself. Open your eyes, sweetness, and see your life, your actual life, for what it is. You’re not the same girl you used to be. You were so vibrant before all this.” His lips graze my head with a soft kiss. “I know losing Kayla was devastating, and I can’t imagine what you both felt, but this… this life? What you guys have created? It isn’t you. It just isn’t you.”
His words are tortured. He loves us, but I think the days of Gray standing by and watching us implode just expired.
“Look, Cooper’s been my friend for so long that I don’t even know my life without him. But in the last couple years, he’s become a different person. I can’t fix that. He needs to figure out his shit and man up. I’ve had enough of watching him let you down.”
I’m stunned that Gray is talking about Cooper like this. I open my mouth to defend my husband, but before I can get a word out he speaks again, low and serious.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t make excuses for him. I know you love him, but sometimes that’s not enough. You might not want to hear this, but I have to say it. He loves you and you love him, but maybe that’s not enough anymore. You’re putting yourself in situations that aren’t safe, with people you don’t know. I’ve always cared about you, Ky, but the time we’ve spent together has deepened that. You need to understand something.” He pulls back to look at me. “I’m not afraid of your rules. Cooper… he’s not getting it. It’s about time you put yourself first.”
He’s wrong. I’ve been putting myself first for a long time. That’s exactly what got me here. It needs to stop. I need to figure out why I’m so broken. But getting involved with Grayson is not the way to go. If I cross that boundary, my marriage won’t just be rocky—it would implode. Completely. Cooper would not only kill him, he would never look at me again. I’d be dead to him.
I step back and release a shaky breath. “I don�
�t know what to say. You know that we…” I flick my eyes to the other side of the room to collect my scattered thoughts.
Erasing the distance I just tried to put between us, he lifts my face to his. Our eyes connect, and my pulse—already wild—intensifies.
He looks straight through to the heart of me. “You don’t have to say anything right now. You don’t have to say anything ever. Just think about what I’m saying.” Gaze locked on mine, he places a tender kiss on my lips.
When he pulls back, he clears his throat and pulls out his phone. “All right, get packed. I’ll call the pilot and let him know we’re ready to leave.”
I nod numbly as he walks out of the room. I want to go home to my empty house. My empty bed. My empty life. I need some time away from everyone. I need to figure out what’s wrong with me. What happened to the girl with morals?
I close my eyes as all energy drains from my body. I slip to the ground, hugging my knees. I miss my life before Kayla died. Before all I felt was pain and hopelessness. Before all I saw was a nightmare. Before I shut down and started doing stupid things.
I need to find the girl I used to be, but I’m not sure she’s in there anymore. I’m not sure she’s strong enough to come back. Because coming back means feeling the loss of her baby and confronting the problems in her marriage. It means facing pain, fear, and guilt. That is so terrifying that living in a state of numbness and denial might just be easier.
I’ve been home for three days. Three long and lonely days.
Gray had dropped me off, kissed me on the cheek, and said, “Think about it.” His parting words were soft and loaded with emotion, leaving me confused.
Cooper had obviously stayed in Key West. I’ve made an effort to text him once a day, and I even tried to call, but he’s either ignoring my calls or too busy to pick up. Gray hasn’t called or checked on me. I think he’s giving me space. He knows me well. He knows I desperately needed a time out.
Today I thought about getting out of the house, but it’s so hot and humid outside that I don’t want to leave. So I decided to stay home, relax, and get some organizing done. I grab my iced coffee off the kitchen counter and walk to my home office. As I step inside, I try to gauge which disaster I should tackle first.
I’m a notoriously messy person. Every drawer and cabinet is piled with organized chaos. It drives Cooper insane, but we have a rule that my office is the one room he’s not allowed in. It’s mine and mine alone to do with what I please.
It’s become my home away from home. The rest of the house has always felt like a museum, but this room is homey, special. If I feel sad, tired, or lonely, I can come here, curl up with a book, and be completely myself without having to worry about or bother Cooper.
When I told Coop about my plans for the office and library, he rolled his eyes and said, “It’s just going to be another place for you to store your junk.” I laughed because he was right. I collect little trinkets, knickknacks, and books. He’s a minimalist, so the thought of having any of that shit makes him crazy.
But after a bit of remodeling I had a space that fit my personality perfectly. Big bookshelves were placed against the far side of the room. The walls were painted a silvery gray, and a gorgeous black desk sat right in the center with a comfortable white chair. The only pop of color in the room comes from a bright coral rug.
I have tons of framed pictures on the desk and others on the walls. Every single one contains a picture of Cooper and me. Some are of us kayaking or going to the beach, and others show us on the day we were married.
Every memory I have has Cooper in it. Every major moment in our relationship has been caught in a snapshot or on video. It’s a little weird that this room, my safe place, is nothing more than a shrine to our relationship. I must be a masochist.
I set the coffee on the desk and grab a stack of papers that have been sitting on my laptop forever. I boot up my Mac, open Spotify, and play some music to get me in the organizing mood. The sound of “Broken” by Secondhand Serenade plays, and I become perfectly numb, engrossed in sorting and shredding. Organizing things is very therapeutic. I find it helps to settle the soul.
My grandmother always said, “The state of your house is a direct reflection of the state of your heart.” Looking at my life, I’d have to agree. On the outside, it looks pretty, but in the drawers and cabinets, it’s filled with secrets and pushed-down memories, tucked deeply into the recesses of every space. I have so many little cubbies in my heart and mind that are clouded with raging thoughts.
After organizing my desk, I move to the file cabinet and tackle the mountain of papers. A fast song thumps in the background, and I feel the need to dance. I’ve always loved dancing. As Britney starts crooning and the beat fills the air, I decide to have some fun. I toss my papers on the floor to deal with them later.
I giggle. “I swear, I’m a walking contradiction.”
Throwing caution out the window, I grab a pencil holder to use as a microphone. I close my eyes, getting into true Brit Brit style. I sway my hips and eventually drop my ass like it’s hot. My inner stripper comes out to play. I move against any object in sight without a care in the world, singing in my fake microphone.
I put all my energy into it, getting rid of my pent up frustration. I feel free for just a moment. There’s something liberating about letting go, dropping the act, and just being. I don’t think; I just feel. I feel the beat, the words, and the moment.
I get lost in my own world. I’m in the middle of shaking my ass when an eerie sensation slips up my back. Something’s behind me. I stop immediately, my heart picking up speed and my stomach clenching. I turn around slowly. I drop my fake mic and a shriek escapes my mouth.
Leaning against the door frame is Grayson with a big, unabashed smirk. Startled and embarrassed, I hide my face between my palms and groan.
“Oh my God, Grayson Walsh, can’t you knock?” I’m sure my face and body are as red as a tomato.
He chuckles, and all I want to do is crawl under my desk and die. I’m so embarrassed, I don’t know what to say.
“Were you having fun?” he asks, his voice rumbling with amusement. It sends goose bumps all the way up my burning body.
“Yeah, I was… you know…” My voice is unsteady, and I look around the room. I feel mortified.
Gray bursts out laughing, and when I see him laugh, I do too. I laugh so hard, I have to clutch my stomach. As our amusement dies down, I get a good look at him. His dark denim jeans clutch his thick hips. A white T-shirt spans his broad, ripped chest, and tattoos beam brightly from under each sleeve. Grayson’s all man. Thick, hard, big, and rugged.
I flip my eyes to his and his smile gets bigger. His shiny blue eyes stare back at me, causing my breath to falter. I can’t help but think that he’s absolutely stunning, and any woman would be lucky to have him. Gray’s one of the best guys I’ve ever known. He’s thoughtful, considerate, and playful. He knows when you need a friend, when to make you laugh. He works hard, but plays hard too. He’s an all-around great guy. A perfect catch for some unsuspecting girl.
“What are you doing here?” I ask with a hint of curiosity. “Did I leave the door unlocked?”
“Nope, I knocked.” He answers on a lopsided smile. “I saw your car in the driveway, but when you didn’t answer the door, I got worried. I used the spare key to make sure everything’s okay.” His smile turns playful. “But now I know what you do in your spare time. You’re quite the little dancer.”
I feel a blush creeping up my neck. “I’ve gotta let loose sometime.” I laugh. “Anyway… Did you make it home okay the other night?”
His brows quirk in mischief. “Ah, yeah. I didn’t die in a car crash or get robbed along the way, although I could have used your help getting tucked into bed after rushing out of Key West like it was on fire.”
I roll my eyes and grin. “Hardy har har, Grayson. Your attempt at humor is amazing.”
He chuckles, a tenderness taking over his features
. “I’d do anything to see that beautiful smile.”
The room heats up as I stare into his eyes. We’re both silent for a second.
Then he asks, “Did he call you yet?”
“What? Who?”
“Your husband,” he states, his voice steady. “Did he call you?”
I pick up the pencil holder I was using as a mic and place it on my desk. I don’t want to answer that question. I’ve managed to put Cooper out of my mind all morning. Thoughts of him make me sad, and that aching pain comes back full force. I push the emotion off my face when I look back at Grayson.
He sees straight through my facade. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t let him do this. I know it’s tough. I’m not going to excuse his behavior anymore. He’s being an ass.” He moves into the room. “Look, I was harsh the other day. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want things to get weird between us. I’m here for you no matter what. I want you to know that.”
“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” I try to clear the lump lodged in my throat. The last thing I want to do is cry in front of Gray again.
“Kylie.” He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my face up. He gives me a minute to calm down and then smiles. “Why don’t we go out? Let’s do something today. It’s really hot. We could go for a swim or cook out. Whatever you want. Let’s just have a day without stress.”
God, he’s perfect.
He’s such a good guy… a nice guy who hates seeing the people he loves hurting. I don’t know how he ended up friends with a couple like us. A day out sounds nice. I’m tired of being alone.
“Are you sure? Don’t you have stuff to do?” I don’t want him throwing away plans to deal with me. He’s done that too many times already.
“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t ask if I wanted to be somewhere else.”
The thought of spending time with Gray sounds amazing. I sigh and wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly. He slips his large arms around me, and all thoughts of Cooper get tucked into the back of my mind. Today, I want to pretend. I want to pretend that my life isn’t a mess. I want to pretend I’m hanging out with an amazing man who happens to be my best friend. I want a break, and Gray’s the perfect escape.
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