A tear spills down my cheek as I watch him. I want all the tension between us to go away. I don’t want the ugliness anymore. I need to make him understand that we can move on. We don’t have to torture each other anymore. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.
“It’s okay,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry for holding you down at the house. Things got out of hand, and that was pretty fucking shitty of me. I don’t know what happened, but I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
My heart rolls like a tumbleweed. Cooper never apologizes. I know, without a doubt, he’d never hurt me on purpose. Emotions where high that day, and I was the one who set off that bomb. Hope settles low in my belly. We’re making progress. We’re not killing each other. There’s no yelling or snide remarks. We are just two people who feel drained by their lives and are tired of fighting.
So tired of fighting.
“It’s forgotten. It can all be forgotten, Coop.” I hope he gets my deeper meaning. I hope my words penetrate his thick wall.
He looks at me, tensing slightly. Cooper’s a proud man, and things that may be easy for me to sweep under the rug are not easy for him. I’ve learned over the last two years that we react differently to stressful situations. That’s one of the reasons our relationship’s such a mess.
“Are you coming home tonight?” he asks.
“Yeah, if that’s okay.”
His eyes fill with apprehension. I can’t read them. I wish he would just lay everything on the table and tell me what’s going through that head of his. He’s uncomfortable, and I want to ease that. I want to go back to a time when we weren’t anything but happy. I wish I could reverse the damage that’s been done. The heartache I’ve handed out so callously.
“Of course,” he says. “I never told you that you couldn’t come home.”
“I know. Things just got out of hand, and I think we both needed space,” I murmur.
He nods. Desperation sets in. He said I can come home, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get to see him. We’ve perfected the art of avoiding each other over the last two years, and if he doesn’t feel like seeing me, there’s not much I can do. He’ll avoid me at all costs, and I don’t want that.
I take a breath and train my eyes to his. “I want to work on making things better between us. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” His face blazes in an array of dark emotions as I forge ahead. “I’ve made mistakes, but I promise I haven’t had sex with Grayson. I wouldn’t. But the other men… it’s over. I’m done, Cooper. I only want one man. I’ve only ever wanted one man.” I glide my fingers across his cheek. “I’m so sorry for hurting you at the lake house. I was trying to get your attention. It was stupid, childish, and cruel. I’m sorry.” My voice cracks as my composure crumbles.
I think of all I’ve done to this man. I’ve been a bitch, irrational at times, always thinking of myself. I know I’m not perfect, and a large part of where we are is because of me. If I’d never brought up an open marriage, who knows where we’d be right now. My chest burns when I see his defenses slip.
They say the eyes are the windows to our souls, and I have to say that’s true. If someone looked within the depths of our eyes, they’d see longing, despair, anger, and hurt, beyond any comprehension. Some of it’s self-inflicted, and some is just the harsh hand of fate. We weren’t strong enough for what life handed us, and it’s torn every piece of our lives to shreds.
I sob, unable to hold back my tears. I miss him. Without him, I feel as though I can’t breathe. He’s my anchor, and for the last two years, I’ve been lost.
“Kylie,” he breathes suddenly, “it’s okay. You don’t have to cry, baby. It’s going to be fine. We’re going to be fine. We just needed time to figure ourselves out.”
He wraps his arms around me, and I weep in relief. He’s not pushing me away or yelling at me, and maybe, just maybe, we can work through this mess. I know Cooper has to want things to be different. He can’t like living the way we do. We’ve gotten ourselves stuck in a pit of dysfunction, and climbing out isn’t going to be easy. Things have been done that have left scars. But even with all of that, I hold tight to the fact that we share something special. If we can push past all the hurt and devastation, we might have a chance. I just need him to believe it and want it.
I’ll do everything in my power to get him to believe in us again. It’s the only thing I have left. “Cooper, let’s do something together. Let’s have dinner. We need to try. Please, please, just try. If not for me, then for Kayla.” Using my daughter is a low blow, but she’s the only thing I have left to beg with. We need this. Avoiding each other makes the distance worse. His excuse that he needs more time is not going to work for me anymore.
I push away slightly, my teary eyes holding his. “Please?”
“Okay, baby,” he whispers, touching my face. “We can have dinner. We’ll talk.”
My breath catches, and another sob escapes me. My legs give out in relief, and I feel his grip tighten, holding me up.
Holding me like he used to before we lost our child.
“Thank you,” I murmur. “Thank you, Cooper.”
He smiles softly, and I feel my heart melt. My world tilts just a little bit back into place. My man, my home, is the only thing that makes my world okay. If I can get him to try, start small, then I have a chance to fix the damage I’ve caused.
“Of course,” he whispers.
His breath ghosts across my wet face and goose bumps slide over me. My body responds to his proximity. It stirs with need, and before I can stop it, a rush of words bleed from my lips. “I love you, Cooper. Whether you want it or not, I do. No matter what happens, you’ll always be the love of my life. I hurt when you’re gone. You might not want to hear it, but I want you to know that I love you. Always. Every moment of every day.” I slide my hands into his hair, needing to touch him. His eyes hold unshed tears as he gazes deeply into mine. I drag my nails against his skin, feeling him tremble and his breath halt. “I’ll never love anyone but you.”
I’m flooded with guilt over my feelings for Gray. For the past, the men, the games. It was wrong, and it eats me alive. For this moment though, I push it away. I want him to know I’d give everything up for him. That I love him through his faults, through the good and bad. No matter what.
“Believe in us again,” I plead, my heart in every word. “I need you to believe in us. Believe in what we had. It’s still there. Give us a chance, Cooper. Let’s take the time to fix things.” I stare into his eyes and gently kiss the corners of his mouth. “I love you,” I repeat, beseeching him.
I see the pain that seeps from him. All the torture he feels etched in every pore. It oozes off of him, hitting my chest, but I hold still and hold him tight. I silently let him know I’m here. Every fiber of my being is where it wants to be.
“Kylie,” he whispers, cupping my cheek.
That’s all he says as we take each other in. I can tell that a lot is going on in his head. He doesn’t have to talk to tell me there are layers and layers to our situation, to us.
After a minute, he clears his throat and sighs. I notice his posture shifting and the energy in the room becomes strained. I don’t want the moment between us to end, but I feel him retreat. I’m starting to panic when a tap, tap, tap at the door gets my attention. He swallows, his shoulders stiffening.
A sickeningly sweet lilt sweeps through the air, stifling it. “Hey, Coop, are you in there?”
He lets me go and moves across the room to his desk. “Yeah, Layla.” A flash of sadness sweeps his face as he stands behind his chair. “I’m here. Come on in.”
I move away from the door, and it slowly opens. She peeks in and sees me first. She looks surprised but quickly wipes the look off her face and gives me a fake smile. “Oh, hi, Kylie. I’m surprised to see you in here. Was there something you needed?”
The question gets my attention and pisses me off. The fact that this whore can stand here, asking if there’s something I need in my hu
sband’s office almost sends me nuclear. I try to tame my anger so I don’t make a scene. I don’t want to ruin the progress I’ve just made with Cooper, but jealousy is consuming me. I inhale a laborious breath and whip my heated eyes to Cooper’s. I hope he sees how close I am to snapping this bitch’s neck.
His eyes lock on mine, and he sees it all. “What can I do for you, Layla?” His tone is anxious.
She looks at him and steps into the room. I want to throw up. She’s absolutely stunning: auburn hair, green eyes, tall, voluptuous, with tits for days. Her tanned skin looks fantastic against her low-cut white blouse. She has on a tight skirt and nude pumps that make her look like a model. She’s everything that a man would want, and the awareness that she wants my husband steamrolls over me.
“Nothing, Coop.” She smiles, hiding her bitchiness under a disgusting layer of sweetness. “I just wanted to see if you were ready to leave for dinner. It’s five o’clock, and our reservation is set.”
I look at Cooper, then at her, and cringe. They have plans tonight. Fuck.
All the progress we’ve made evaporates. Devastation, jealousy, distress, and rage convulse in me. I need to get out of here before I say or do something that will hurt us all. The reality of how far apart Cooper and I are, and how hard it is to make any progress pulls me under. I feel as if I’m drowning.
“I’m almost ready. Give me ten minutes,” is his clipped reply.
She turns to me, a scornful smile cresting her lips and a malicious gleam in her eyes. “It’s nice seeing you again, Kylie. You’ve been gone a while. A long while.” With that, she leaves, shutting the door behind her.
I stand completely still, trying to get my emotions under control. I’m ready to erupt. The ache that had dissipated while I was in Cooper’s arms comes back forcefully.
How deep does his relationship with her go?
Are there feelings involved?
Do I even want to know?
No, I don’t. Knowing would take the fight right out of me. Denial is best. My skin crawls, and my insides, already burning, blister with rage. Unaware that he’s moved across the room, I startle at the feel of his hand on my shoulder. I tremble as I try to restrain myself from lashing out. Breathe. Keep calm.
“We’ll schedule dinner, Kylie,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “We’ll talk, I promise.”
My stomach sinks. All the hope I’d felt is dashed. We’ve become a couple who schedules dinner, who barely talks, and never makes love. We’ve become toxic and deadly to each other.
A thought hits me so fast that I feel my body jolt.
Maybe we can’t make it.
An unwilling sob claws its way up my throat. My shoulders sag in defeat. My worst nightmare is playing out in my thoughts. I feel as if I want to die. The hope I felt minutes ago is nowhere to be seen. It’s the same feeling I had when I held Kayla only to have her ripped away. The universe is playing tricks with my heart, and I can’t take it anymore. I want to give up. I feel my will to live trickle away. What’s a life without Cooper and Kayla? Nothing.
I feel lifeless, miserable, and raw.
“Kylie, don’t do this. We’ll have dinner, okay? We’ll figure this out. You’re coming home tonight, right?” he asks gently.
Do I want to come home? I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I want to. God, I’m irrational. Why am I always like this? Our marriage is still open. She’s not off limits. Just because I’m sex-free and waiting doesn’t mean he has to be.
“Yeah, I’ll be home,” I mumble.
“Look at me, Kylie,” he says.
If I look at him, I’ll die. My heart will crumble, and I won’t make it out of his office. I can’t do it. The pain is unbearable. When I leave here, he’s with her. The thought of him with her, while I’m pining away for him makes me sick.
It destroys me.
“Please, Ky. I need you to look at me. Don’t do this. Don’t play fucking games with me. I need you to look at me now.”
Just do it. Suck it up.
I turn around and look at him with tears in my eyes and distress smeared across my features like paint on a canvas. My body seeps anguish I can’t hide. I can never hide my heart. My feelings are always written on every seam of my face, every angle of my form. My distress penetrates the air around me, pulling him into my suffering, entangling and entrapping him within the storm that rages in me. I’m broken without him, and I’ve been without him for so long that I’ve lost pieces of myself along the way. The jar that holds the last of my heart is about to shatter until nothing is left but shards of the woman I used to be.
“I can’t take this anymore,” I whisper, my voice broken. “We need to talk about us over dinner.”
I can’t give a voice to my thoughts. If nothing changes between now and then, our marriage can’t go on. He’s killing me, and I’m killing him. Together, we’re a car wreck heading straight for a cliff. A cliff that spans a mountain. We are on our way to certain emotional death, and this ride’s something I don’t want to be a part of anymore. I want off.
His eyes pierce mine, and I know he knows what I’m thinking. He looks stunned, and for a split second, I see fear. Cold, fucking fear. He sees everything I need him to see and more. I hope he gets it. I hope he understands that this might be the end of our road. We need to have something to work for, or we have nothing. I love him, but this love hurts. It hurts in a way I would’ve never dreamed it could.
As I turn to leave, gripping the doorknob, I speak my parting thoughts. “I love you, Cooper. Always. But love shouldn’t fuck us up like this. Love shouldn’t incinerate our souls, suck us dry, or kill us. Love shouldn’t feel like work. And this… this is work. As much as my body screams for you, my heart is dying. There are moments when I wish I could flip a switch and feel nothing. I would give anything to feel numb, because this constant ache within the center of my chest is killing me. It’s taking everything I was and leeching me dry. You have to choose to try, or we’re not going to work. And if we can’t work, I’m not sure I have it in me to live without you.”
Two days later…
I’m on the sofa and nestled under a fluffy throw as Johnny Depp graces the screen. A pint of Double Chocolate Chunk ice cream’s settled in my lap, and I’m mindlessly eating large scoops while watching TV. I left Coop’s office two days ago and came back to Gray’s house.
I couldn’t go home. I didn’t have it in me.
I had to formulate a plan. When Gray sent me a text saying he would be out of town for a couple days, I felt relief. He told me not expect him until Friday, so I had time away from him and time to think of how to deal with Cooper. I messaged Cali and told her I needed a personal break. She understood and granted my request grudgingly.
So here I am, miserable and unable to move. Yeah, I’m wallowing in self-pity. I need to go home soon. I can’t stay here forever. As soon as Gray walks through that door, I’m out. With everything that’s going on with Cooper, I can’t afford to have feelings for Gray. That could be detrimental to all of us.
I shovel more ice cream into my mouth, trying to drown the hurt with chocolate. After the pint is finished, I decide to get some water. My mouth is so full of sugar it’s actually dry and sticky. Sighing, I get up and grimace. I’m a mess. My hair is thrown up in a messy bun because I didn’t care enough to wash it, and all I’m wearing is my black polka dot bra and thong. No T-shirt, no makeup, and no shoes. I’m a disaster.
In the kitchen, I grab a glass and fill it with water. The warmth from the setting sun beaming through the window pulls my attention to Gray’s backyard. I take a minute to watch the sun begin its descent for the day. It’s beautiful and peaceful. Maybe I should go sit outside and watch it. Then you’d have to get dressed. God knows I don’t feel like getting dressed. That would require making an effort. So I just stand there watching the sun dance with the clouds, enjoying the majestic beauty of it.
After several minutes, I spin around to head back,
but a moving shadow startles me. A shriek tears from my throat. I grasp the glass and bring a hand to my chest in an effort to calm the heart that’s leapt out of my body. “What the hell, Gray? You scared the ever loving shit right out of me. Stop doing that.”
“What are you doing, sweet cheeks?” There’s a huskiness to his voice.
“I was getting some water. What are you doing back?”
“I got done early, and this is my home.” He drags his gaze to my breasts.
“Seriously, Gray, you scared me. Next time just say something, please.” I stare at him, waiting for a response.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, but what are you wearing, Kylie?” He seems to be struggling to keep himself planted where he is. He keeps swallowing, and his eyes have a lusty swirl in them. He looks turned on, which leaves me unnerved.
“I didn’t think you were coming back until Friday. I’m having a bad week, so I was vegging out… relaxing.” I’m embarrassed to say I veg out in nothing but underwear, stuffing my face with chocolate. I’m sure the trail of candy wrappers and ice cream containers don’t paint a pretty picture. “Let me get some clothes on.”
Gray stands directly in my way. His hand comes up to my waist, pulling me gently against his chest. I swallow hard and glance up, desperate to figure a way out of his arms. My chest rises and falls furiously as the feel of his palms splayed across my bare back sends me barreling into dangerous territory. His eyes heat, and I get lost in his seductive gaze. He’s absolutely mouthwatering. My breath falters when the slide of his hand makes tingles burst down my body.
God…
His skin sweeping across mine feels amazing and makes my body hum. But as good as this feels, I can’t accept it. I’d like to, but I need to remove myself now, before it turns into something it can never be. “Please, let me go. Let me get some clothes. We can’t do this, Gray. I’m sorry.”
A flash of hurt darts across his face, but it’s quickly taken over by understanding. He knows my heart is Cooper’s until he throws it away. I don’t want to hurt Gray, but I need my husband. I’ve spent so long hurting him, and I don’t want to do it anymore.
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