by T. K. Leigh
“I want you to hurt me. I deserve it! Cut me. Kill me. My heart won’t beat without you!”
Tears running down our faces, I pressed my lips against hers. After a brief struggle, she finally relented and melted into me. She combed her fingers through my hair, tugging at me, drawing me closer. Fire smoldered within as she moaned. A heat came off her body and I knew she couldn’t deny the attraction. Love like this didn’t happen twice. This was as real as anything I had ever experienced in my life.
I pulled back and rested my forehead against hers. A sigh escaped her lips and I grew hopeful we would make it through this, that our love for each other was stronger than the mountain of lies on which it was built. Her gaze softened and she cupped my cheek in her hand. All I ever needed was to feel her skin on mine. It was perfect. It was exhilarating. It was my home. She was my home.
Instantly, her back grew rigid and she pushed against my chest. Stumbling back, I flung my eyes open, watching in bewilderment as she ran down the street.
“You stay away from me, Tyler!” she howled, signaling for a cab. “I can’t… I’m not going to let you hurt me again!”
“I won’t!” I yelled, chasing after her. My chest tightened as I tried to make sense of the drastic turn. It was almost as if her brain was battling with her heart, which I knew was true. She had been doing that since we started our whirlwind relationship.
“There’s no possible way you won’t!” she exclaimed, wiping at the tears pouring down her face. “Every time I look at you, at your eyes, I’ll always wonder whether it’s real.”
A cab pulled up to the corner and she opened the door, about to get in.
“Please, Mackenzie…” My mouth was dry, a pained stare on my face as I pleaded with her.
“I should never have trusted my heart,” she said quietly. “The heart is impulsive and can’t be reasoned with.”
“Tell me what you want from me!”
“You really want to know?” she quivered, narrowing her eyes at me.
“Yes! Just tell me.” I swallowed hard. “Whatever it is, I’ll do it.”
She paused, studying me, and my heart raced in anticipation.
“If you really care about me, if you really want to prove to me that it was real for you…” She stared long and hard into my eyes, the pain I caused covering her face, her eyes, her entire being. “You’ll let me go.”
I remained mute as I absorbed her words, a weight crushing my chest.
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” she asked, sobs overtaking her, and I knew those words were just as difficult for her to say as they were for me to hear. “Please,” she begged. “You need to let me go.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I whispered, brushing my thumb under her eye. “I love you, Serafina.”
“No. There is no Serafina. There’s no Mackenzie. There’s nothing left to love.” She stood on her toes and planted a soft kiss on my cheek, her body trembling. “Goodbye, Tyler. Enjoy the lonely.” She slid into the back seat of the cab and slammed the door.
An ache in my throat, I watched the yellow cab disappear down Atlantic Avenue. I was at a crossroads. Do I grab my car and follow Mackenzie wherever she was going, thus ignoring her pleas that I let her go? Or do I let her leave, proving to her that it was real for me? No matter my choice, it wasn’t going to lessen the damage I had done.
Retreating to the building, I ran into the elevator, frantically pressing the button for the garage. I jumped into my car and peeled onto Atlantic Avenue. As I tried to merge onto the freeway toward the airport, traffic was at a standstill and I slammed on my brakes. Craning my head, I saw a five car pile-up that must have happened no more than a minute beforehand, blocking all the lanes. I couldn’t help but think that someone was trying to keep me from getting to Mackenzie. Maybe I wasn’t meant to approach her yet. Maybe the best thing for me to do was give her space, like she asked.
Fishing my cell phone out of my pocket, I ignored dozens of missed calls from my brother and pressed Eli’s number.
“Tyler, what’s wrong? Your brother just called and is flipping out.”
“She knows,” I said quietly.
There was a long pause before Eli spoke again, his voice soft and sympathetic. “I’m sorry, Ty. Is there anything–”
“Actually, yes,” I interrupted, trying to mask the heartache in my voice. “That’s why I’m calling. Are you at the office?”
“Yes.”
“Run Mackenzie’s credit cards. And her friends’, as well. See if you can find any information about where she is. I’m stuck in traffic trying to get to the airport. I need to know if she’s even headed that way, or whether I should turn around and try one of the train stations instead.”
“I’m on it,” he said and I could hear him typing away at his laptop. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I responded dejectedly, my shoulders deflating as I impatiently waited for traffic to begin moving. “She can’t trust me. No matter what assurances I tried to give her, none of it mattered.”
“Do you blame her?” he asked, his voice guarded.
“No,” I sighed. “I’d probably think the same thing if I were in her shoes. She told me the only way she’ll know it was real is for me to do the one thing I don’t think I’m ready to do.”
“And what’s that?”
“Let her go.”
The line was silent, and the sound of honking horns echoed around me, as if that would clear the accident quicker.
“Tyler, don’t you think that maybe it’s…” He stopped short.
“What?”
“I’ve got a hit,” he explained in an excited tone. “Just ten minutes ago, there was a purchase on Brayden Weller’s credit card for a flight from Boston to Brownsville, connecting out of Dallas. Better hurry. The flight leaves in less than an hour.”
“I’m stuck in the Callahan tunnel. Traffic is at a standstill.”
“Do you want me to hop on the subway?” Eli asked. “I could try to stop her.”
I felt as if the universe was conspiring against me. “No, but thanks, Eli. I’ll just wait it out and hope I can get there in time. I don’t want her to think we’re chasing her.”
“You got it. Keep me updated.”
I hung up and tossed my phone in the cup holder of the SUV. The only thing keeping me moving forward was the possibility that Mackenzie’s flight was delayed.
An hour later, I finally pulled into the parking garage at the airport and bolted for the terminal. Adrenaline coursed through me as I searched the departures board for her flight. A heaviness set in my limbs when I saw it had just left. In a daze, I shuffled from the terminal, unable to think clearly.
I didn’t even know how I ended up there, but I found myself parking just off Storrow Drive by Boston University. As if on autopilot, I headed toward the Charles River, my legs carrying me to the boathouse where Melanie had breathed her last breath. I didn’t know what I hoped to gain from visiting this place. Maybe I hoped to find some sort of clarity in a world that seemed to turn on its head overnight.
As I sat down on a bench by the boathouse, I felt a lump in my pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box, flipping it open to stare at the ring I intended to give Mackenzie today. The sun reflected on it, causing the three-carat diamond to glimmer. I hated that I never got the chance to see it on her finger.
I had no idea how long I sat there, staring at the ring, when I heard a familiar voice.
“I had a feeling you’d be here.”
I snapped the box closed and turned my head. Meeting a pair of dark eyes, a forced smile crossed my face.
“Hey, Ma,” I uttered.
“Hey, baby. How are you holding up?”
I shrugged, shoving the black box in my pocket and hiding my face.
“Tyler…” She sat beside me on the bench as I stared at the gentle waves of the river. “You can’t hide from your mother.”
“I hurt her, Ma.” I returned my
eyes to hers, feeling all her compassion, understanding, and love envelope me from that one look, despite the fact she probably disapproved of my actions.
“You did. She has every right to be upset with you. It takes ages to learn to trust someone, but only one lie to ruin it.”
Tears formed in my eyes and I struggled to reel in my emotions. “I ruined it.”
“Maybe,” she said. “Maybe not. What did she say?”
“To let her go,” I replied, barely able to speak the words.
“And did you?”
I nodded. “She got in a cab and I couldn’t get to her in time.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. Tell me. Did you let her go?”
I shook my head. “She’s a part of me, Ma. But she said the only way for me to prove I do love her and all of my feelings are real was to let her go.”
She nodded. “Then give her some time.”
I shot my head up, surprised she wasn’t urging me to go after her. “Really?”
“Trust me, baby. If she wants you to let her go, all she probably wants is some time to herself and to be with her friends. She wants to cry on their shoulders and commiserate about what an asshole you are. Let her have this time. If you want any shot at winning her back, you’ll give her exactly what she wants. Right now, that’s a life without any reminders of what she considers to be her biggest mistake… You.”
I opened my mouth, wanting to argue that letting her go wasn’t an option, but she held up her hand. “Don’t worry. It’ll all work out.”
“I don’t know if I can stay away,” I admitted. “I’ve seen her every day for the past six months. I–”
“Tyler, sometimes, we need to give those we love space to work out their feelings, and I’m not talking about months or even weeks. Right now, she’s upset and confused. Her world’s been torn apart. She needs to put the pieces back together, but she can’t do that with you in her life. Not yet, anyway. Give her space to find her life. Eventually, she’ll find her love. She’ll find the truth amidst the lies. But you need to give her time.”
I gazed ahead as runners jogged along the promenade path, considering my mother’s words. Sighing, I turned to her. “How do you always seem to have all the answers?”
“Because I’m old, baby.” She smiled at me, the wrinkles around her eyes showing. “Do you know how many mistakes I’ve made in my life?”
“No.”
“Well, I’ve made enough that I can speak to you from experience. Trust me. The best thing you can do is give her time. Then you can go to her and beg forgiveness with the most ridiculously expensive jewelry money can buy.” She nudged me and I laughed at her attempt to bring me out of my sour mood. “She’ll come around.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I’m your mother.” She winked, a sparkle in her eyes. “I’m always right.” Her jovial expression turned serious once more as she grabbed my hands in hers. “Go back to your routine, Tyler. It’s gotten you through tough spots in the past. Do it again. It will give you the clarity you need right now.”
A loud throat clearing sounded and we snapped our heads up to see Alexander standing off to the side. I could see guilt hidden beneath his tough exterior. Even though he should have been upset at the failed mission, it was readily apparent he wasn’t there as the head of the security company, about to berate me regarding what happened. He was there as my brother.
“Well,” my mother said, placing her hand on my leg. “I think you boys need to have a bit of a chat. I love you, Tyler, baby.” She planted a soft kiss on my temple and, for an instant, I wanted to think everything would be okay, that it would all work out.
A group of cyclists flew by as she got up from the bench and strode to Alexander. He bent his almost six-and-a-half foot frame down to allow my mother to place a kiss on his cheek and she whispered something in his ear. I couldn’t hear what, but I knew she had to be giving him a piece of her mind.
She retreated from us and Alexander approached me with a shrunken stature, exhaling as he sat next to me on the bench. He placed his forearms on his legs and stared at the river. An awkward silence passed as we both sat contemplating everything. The sun had begun to set over the city, a chill in the spring air. Runners were out getting some exercise, people were walking their dogs… The world continued to spin even though it felt like I was stuck in that moment when Mackenzie learned the truth.
“Ty, I need to talk to you about something,” Alexander finally said.
The timbre of his voice gave me pause. I glanced to him, observing him run his hands through his dark hair, his shoulders slumping in defeat.
“What is it?”
He turned his eyes to meet mine and I braced myself for what he was about to tell me, unsure of whether I could deal with any more bad news. “You can’t go back,” he said softly.
“I’m not. Not yet, anyway. I’ll give her some time and–”
“No, Tyler,” he interrupted, his voice firm. “It’s not safe–”
“And it is for Mackenzie?” I responded, my voice incredulous. “What about Charlie? What if he figures it out and goes after–”
“We need to cease all contact for everybody’s protection, including hers.”
“Why?”
He rubbed his temples. I could sense the wheels turning in his head, debating whether to tell me the truth or simply something to appease me for the moment. “Please, Tyler, I need you to trust me. I’ve worked special ops long enough to know when something isn’t right and, at this moment, there is something severely fucked up going on. I called our agency handler to give him a status report on the mission.”
“Yeah…?”
“According to his secretary, he’s been missing for a week. I couldn’t get any more information out of her, but I have a feeling in my gut that it’s related to this case. He made his last contact with her on the same day Charlie made headlines for being wanted for all those murders. Based on everything you’ve been telling me, I can’t help but think there may be a connection between the two, that there’s something bigger at play here than we’ve been led to believe. I have a bad feeling my agency handler’s been compromised. It’s only a matter of time until they turn to you.”
“Who?” I asked, my heart racing.
“I have no idea. It could be anyone. Maybe someone who was worried word would get out that Mackenzie’s father possibly had nothing to do with everything of which he’s been accused. I’m sure that’s the reason you refused to tell me his location the other night.”
I shot my eyes to his, shock washing over me. “How did you know?”
“It was pretty obvious, Ty. I know all your tells. I knew you were covering for him and, well… I get it. But if I’m right, and I have a feeling I am, your connection to Mackenzie could potentially make you a sitting duck. If they think you have even the slightest inkling someone other than Galloway is to blame, I don’t need to spell out what they’ll do. I need you to disappear.”
“What? I can’t–”
“Just one month. That’s all I’m going to ask of you. I need time to comb through the intel you gathered and find out what’s really going on here. I have a new assignment for you anyway. One that’s more of a humanitarian project. No lies. No betrayal. Just helping people who desperately need it.”
“But what about Mackenzie?”
“Nothing will happen to her, Tyler. I promise you. I made a few arrangements and will have eyes on her around the clock.”
I shook my head, confused. “But what about you? You were involved in this assignment, too. What if someone comes after you?”
“Don’t worry about me. It’s my job to worry about you.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “You’re my brother, Ty, and I love you.” He met my eyes. “Plus, I promised Dad years ago I would always watch out for you. That’s why I need you to leave. Eli, too. I need you to go somewhere else so I know nothing will happen. Like I said, if our agency ha
ndler has been compromised, your life could be at risk. This is me fulfilling my promise to Dad.”
I stared ahead at the Charles River, my mother’s advice to give Mackenzie some space echoing in my head. I hated the idea of abandoning her, leaving her vulnerable to anyone who wanted to do her harm, but if there was one thing I knew about my brother, it was that he kept his promises. If he vowed to watch out for and protect Mackenzie, I knew he would take that oath as serious as he took the oath he pledged to his country all those years ago.
“Do you swear you won’t let anything happen to her?” I asked, my eyes fierce.
“I give you my word, Ty,” he assured me, conviction in his voice. “She’ll be better protected than the president. I’ve sent my best team down there to ensure it.”
Absorbing his words, I sighed, running my hands through my hair. “When do I leave?”
“You okay?” Eli asked, cutting through my thoughts about how one month had turned into three. So much time had passed, the rift between myself and Mackenzie had widened. I wondered if I even crossed her mind anymore. I couldn’t forget her if I wanted to. Her existence was permanently etched on my heart…on my soul.
“Yeah. I’m good.”
Eli glanced at me briefly before returning his eyes to the road. “Liar.”
“I said I’m good. I didn’t say I was fantastic. Just let me be good for a minute.”
He shook his head and clenched his jaw, taking his foot off the gas as he approached a guard shack at the entryway of the refugee camp. We nodded a greeting to one of the security company’s employees and were granted access. Driving the outskirts of what had become my home, we navigated past rows and rows of white tents.
This experience had been humbling for me. These people had nothing to their names. Due to civil war and political unrest, they had been forced out of their homes, the massacre of thousands upon thousands of their people causing them to seek asylum. When they left, many of them lost their families, their lives, their identities. The refugees spanned all age groups. I didn’t know how any of the older people in the camp coped with the fact they would never see their home again. The only thing that got me through each day was knowing that, with every passing hour, I was that much closer to finally being home. These people didn’t have that luxury.