by T. K. Leigh
The past few months weren’t without hardships, despite how much I believed in what I was doing. When I first arrived here, I wondered how long I would last out in the stagnant desert heat. But when I stepped out of the tiny tent that had become my home and a little African boy, who couldn’t have been more than six or seven, his right arm missing from his elbow down, came up to me and asked if I was here to help, nothing else mattered. I wasn’t here to betray or deceive anyone. I was here to make a difference, to protect these people, to ensure they had access to everything I had taken for granted my entire life…food, water, education, clothing, medical aid. They would have it all and then some. Working this assignment made me proud of my family’s company. Despite the numerous questionable operations it had been involved in, the humanitarian missions it sponsored outweighed all of that. Seeing women playing with their children, not worrying about whether today would be the day they could no longer outrun the enemy, made it all worth it.
“What did your brother say?” Eli asked, pulling up to the administration building.
We had just spent the better part of the day traveling to and from the only communications center within a hundred miles. Infrastructure in this country left much to be desired, and internet and phones were practically non-existent. I did have a satellite phone; however, it tended to be sketchy at best and completely useless most of the time. My only means of somewhat reliable communication with the outside world was through a weekly visit to a command center located three hours away. It was during this time that I tried to check in with Alexander.
“Not much. He still has Martin and his team keeping an eye on Mackenzie. He’s yet to see any viable threat from Charlie or anyone else, but he’s ordering everyone to maintain their post. He must feel guilty. Why else would he send his right-hand man down to Texas to watch over her? That must count for something.” I wanted to believe my brother was a good person, that he was trying to make amends for how things had spiraled out of control between us, but there was a nagging I couldn’t ignore, especially as the weeks went by and I was told to maintain course.
“And our assignment?” Eli asked. “Did you talk to him about whether he’s figured out what’s really going on with all the shit that went down when your cover was blown? I don’t need to remind you by whom.”
“He still needs us out here,” I responded firmly. “That’s all he would say. That, and it’s not safe to come back yet.”
He gripped the steering wheel and slammed on the brakes. “And you believe him?” he asked through his hard-set jaw.
“I have to,” I insisted. “He’s my brother. Despite everything else, I need to believe he wouldn’t keep me here unless it was necessary. Or else…”
“What? Or else what?” Eli urged, almost begging me to say the words. We had been having this same discussion for the past month. Every week, I had gone to touch base with my brother. And every week, he told me I needed to stay, despite his promise at the start of this assignment that, no matter what, it would only be for a month.
“Or else he’s not the man I thought he was,” I answered softly. “Who I always looked up to and admired when I was a kid.” I shook my head, not wanting to believe the words. “But for now,” I continued, maintaining my composure, “I need the routine. I need the comfort of following orders. It’s what got me through everything with Melanie. The only way I survived that was because of the discipline the navy gave me. Working for my brother’s company is a lot like that. He gave us a mission and I’m going to obey orders. Look around you!” I gestured at the refugees strolling through camp. “These people need us, Eli. They have nothing. If all I do is make one person feel safer, then this is where I belong. Not back home, but here.” I opened the door of the ATV and headed toward the large tent structure in front of us.
“Tyler!” Eli shouted, dashing out of the vehicle and catching up to me. Although he was slightly shorter than my six-foot, four-inch frame, he made up for that in build. He kept his dark hair at a sensible length, the discipline he learned in the Marines evident in his appearance. I, however, kept my sun-lightened hair somewhat unkempt. If I remembered to shave once, it was a good week. What did I care? I didn’t have anyone to impress.
“Listen, I understand following orders,” he continued. “But, at some point, you need to forget about doing what you’re told is right and do what’s right for you. From where I’m standing, you’re turning a blind eye to what your brother’s doing so you don’t have to face your problem. That’s what you did with Melanie…”
“What?” I hissed, my green eyes growing wide in shock. Eli had never been one to question following orders. In fact, he had always adhered to a strict code of ethics, but our history predated him working for the security company. I supposed his loyalty to me outweighed that to his job. “I didn’t–”
“Yes, you did! You just admitted it! After she died, you ran. You went into the navy so you didn’t have to deal with your grief! I get it, Tyler. Believe me. After my father died in the line of duty, I was so fucking angry. I hated that he lost his life to save some sorority girl.”
I nodded, remembering that case. It was splashed all over the news. I was a junior in college, and Eli was starting his third year with the Marines when the case that rocked our city for years finally came to a bloody end. Eli’s dad was a homicide detective and brought the man responsible for brutally assaulting and murdering over a dozen college females to justice. Sadly, Eli’s father sacrificed his life to save that of the man’s last victim. Eli had to sit in court nearly every day as he stared at the girl who survived, wondering whether her life was more valuable than his father’s.
“I couldn’t bear being around town because, everywhere I went, I was faced with a reminder of what he gave his life for. I ran back to the Marines, even after they offered to give me an honorable discharge to be with my family. You’re doing the same thing, Ty! You’ve never allowed your scars to heal. At some point, it will all become too much and you’ll bury yourself in your guilt. That’s why you’re happy to stay here and help all these people, but not because you genuinely want to. You’re trying to bury your guilt in all the good you’ve been doing, but you can’t hide it forever. You can’t run away from your mistakes for the rest of your life. You need closure.”
“Maybe closure’s not in the cards for me,” I said softly. “She told me to let her go.” I spun away from him. I hadn’t had a moment’s peace in months. I hadn’t been alone in months. And, right now, I wanted to be alone.
“But you haven’t let her go, Tyler!” he exclaimed, catching up to me. Grabbing my arm, he forced me to stop. “You left to give her space. Three months is a long time to give someone space. Just…” He took a deep breath. “Just think about it and stop punishing yourself. This Tyler…” He gestured to me. “This is not the Tyler I remember. The old Tyler would have fought tooth-and-nail for what he believed in. He wouldn’t stand by and allow his brother to order him to stay thousands of miles away, instead of going after the one girl who finally taught you how to be human again.”
I sighed. “Carrying my guilt is the only thing that reminds me I’m human,” I admitted. “Without it, I’m empty. I’m nothing. I need the guilt. It’s the only way I can live with the lonely.”
Mackenzie
MY BRAIN WAS SPINNING as I flipped through page after page of a pregnancy book, the words starting to blur together. Since learning I was pregnant nearly two months ago, I got my hands on every book possible, hoping that, with a little bit of guidance, I would be able to get through this on my own. It didn’t help. I felt even more lost and confused about how to raise a little human.
I had put on a smile to assure Brayden and Jenna I was handling it, but the truth was, I was scared out of my mind. Cloth or disposable diapers? Bottle feed or breast feed? I was overwhelmed by the amount of books and advice, most of it contradictory. I felt like a fish swimming upstream, everyone else passing by, telling me what was best.
The
stack of overdue bills had gradually grown higher and higher as I struggled to rub two pennies together. Every dime went to paying for the bare minimum of doctor appointments I could get away with. I was two months behind on my mortgage, my credit cards were maxed out, and my checking account balance was teetering on being overdrawn on a weekly basis. Jenna and Brayden had offered to help me out countless times, but I refused. I took after my father in that respect. I inherited his Irish stubbornness.
A loud knock on the door sounded, startling me, and I tore my attention away from one of the dozens of pregnancy books Brayden had picked up for me. Raising myself from my lush sofa, I walked through the living area and into the foyer of my ocean-front condo. I checked the peephole to see a man dressed in a messenger uniform standing there. I pulled back the door, praying it wasn’t the bank sending notice of foreclosure on my condo. Surely, I’d have to have missed more than two payments, right?
“Mackenzie Delano?” the stout man asked, eyeing the envelope in his hand.
“Yes. That’s me.”
“Sign here, please.” He handed me his scanner and I scribbled on the screen.
“Have a good day, ma’am.” He gave me the envelope and I retreated into my condo, plopping down at my kitchen table. I nearly threw the envelope on top of the large pile of unopened bills, but stopped myself.
Intrigued as to the contents, I tore at the tab, letting out a long breath when I saw it wasn’t from the bank…or a bill.
As I read the typed letter accompanying a church bulletin, guilt overwhelmed me for having ignored the only family I had left during the past several months.
Dearest Mackenzie,
I hope this letter finds you well. Many days have passed without your attendance at any of our services, including those which have been said to honor your mother. Even though years have gone since her passing, I understand the wound may never heal. But don’t carry the burden alone. Allow others to help shoulder it. We have set a celebration of your mother’s life at Monday evening mass this coming week. I do hope you will choose to honor her memory, as she so rightly deserves.
Peace be with you, child.
Father Baldwin
Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known. Jeremiah 33:3
I placed the letter on the table and opened the church program, noting a mass to be said in my mother’s memory on the day specified in my father’s letter. I had purposefully not shown up at each of our pre-arranged meetings over the past few months. I was angry at my father for getting himself into whatever mess he was in. I was angry at my mother for knowing what happened and keeping it from me. I was angry at Tyler for using me to get to my father. But I was mostly angry at myself, if for no other reason than I knew my anger toward other people wouldn’t make me feel better.
As my eyes remained glued to the postscript of the letter, I felt something I hadn’t in months. Hope. It could have meant nothing, but a small part of me believed my long-term absence from the church made my father reconsider shielding me from the truth of what was going on. I prayed he would come clean with all the secrets so we could go back to having a normal father-daughter relationship…or as normal a relationship as we could.
Folding the letter and bulletin, I hid them in one of my kitchen drawers and spied the time. I groaned, not really feeling like going to our traditional Friday evening girls’ night, but I couldn’t break from my routine. The last time I strayed from the normalcy of my life, I ended up heartbroken. I needed to find comfort in my routine once more, regardless of how tempting curling up in my bed sounded at the moment.
I made my way down the hallway toward my decent-sized master bedroom, then stripped off the yoga pants and tank top I had put on when I got home from work earlier. June had come and gone too quickly for my liking. It was now the middle of July and I was seventeen weeks pregnant. It seemed as if my stomach had grown overnight. What was just a small bump last week was now more pronounced. My small and slender frame made it even more noticeable, and I knew I couldn’t cover it up much longer.
Turning on the shower, I allowed the hot water to wash over me, cleansing me of everything as I tried to clear my mind. All the books I’d been reading told me to maintain a low stress level so my baby didn’t become stressed. I couldn’t help but think he or she had nothing to be stressed about…no paying bills, running a restaurant, or finding the father of the kid growing inside you. Brayden was right. Tyler needed to know. I just worried he would want to be a part of my baby’s life, and I wasn’t sure I wanted that because that would make him part of my life. I was certain I didn’t want that. That was what I tried to convince myself anyway.
After an invigorating shower, I headed toward my closet and picked out a long maxi dress that was tight around my chest, then flowed to my ankles. It was comfortable and hid my stomach. I towel dried my hair and placed a touch of gel in it to tame the waves. Putting a bit of powder on my dark complexion, I then added a hint of blush and some dark eyeliner, giving my hazel eyes a dramatic feel. After applying some pink gloss to my lips, I stepped back and surveyed my five-foot, four-inch frame, satisfied I didn’t look how I felt…
Shattered.
Broken.
Lost.
Putting on a smile that masked my true feelings, I rushed down the hallway and was met by a chubby gray cat meowing at me. “Ready for dinner, your majesty?” I asked Meatball. He rubbed against my leg, purring in appreciation. “Okay. Let’s get you fed.”
I bent down, grabbed his bag of kibble from the cabinet, and poured it in his bowl. Giving him a quick scratch on his tail as he ate, I made my way from the condo, taking the elevator down twelve floors to the lobby.
“Hey, Mackenzie!” Paul, the security guard, said when he saw me emerge. He was in his late fifties or early sixties, and had distinguished gray hair and brilliant blue eyes. He had been retired from the police department for ten years, but he still kept in decent shape, apart from the occasional cheeseburger. He was like a father to me, probably more so than my real dad, who I only got to see once a month at a pre-arranged time and couldn’t even tell anyone he was still alive. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I suppose. Tired.”
He nodded. “I remember those days. Poor Angie was exhausted through all three of her pregnancies.”
I groaned. “Don’t tell me that. I’m sleeping more than I have in my life, but it’s still not enough. I constantly wake up exhausted. Having to give up caffeine hasn’t really helped, either.”
“You work too hard, sweetie. I see the hours you keep at that restaurant. At some point, you need to start taking better care of yourself.”
“I will. I promise.” I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his temple.
“Good. You better get a move on. I’m sure Brayden and Jenna are waiting.”
I glanced down at my wrist and checked my watch. “Shit!” I exclaimed when I saw it was quarter after six, bolting from Paul. I was usually the one waiting on them, not the other way around.
“Drive carefully!” Paul yelled.
“I will!” I responded as I dashed out the doors and into the parking lot of the condo building I lived in on the north end of South Padre Island.
The sun was still shining brightly as I took quick steps toward my car. Clicking on the key fob to unlock the door, I was startled by the sound of glass breaking and I swung my head toward the front gate. A chill washed over me when my eyes settled on a dark sedan idling on the street, the driver wearing darkened sunglasses. His expression remained fixed, never looking at me…or anything else, for that matter.
Part of me had hoped the glass breaking was Charlie making an appearance, but he was too smart to do anything that would draw attention to himself. Nearly four months ago, he had disappeared from my life when his photo was splashed all over the news as the only suspect in a rash of murders spanning close to a decade. Murders he claimed he had nothing to do with. I didn’t know w
hat to think, although I secretly wanted to believe him. But months had gone by with no communication at all. Not even a phone call on our secret spy line, which was what I named the cell phone he left me the night he disappeared. I worried the worst had happened, that he was silenced forever, leaving me more confused than ever about whether I was simply naïve to want to believe him, given our past, or whether Charlie was another pawn in the bigger picture.
Sighing, I got in behind the wheel of my Mercedes convertible. I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to think about how I was going to afford a bigger car. I certainly couldn’t put a baby seat in the back seat of my two-door coupe.
I pulled out onto the main road and, within minutes, arrived at the wine and tapas bar Brayden, Jenna, and I had been going to for our Friday girls’ night for the past several years.
I threw the valet my keys, then strode into the restaurant and toward the bar, Jenna and Brayden sitting at the counter.
“There she is!” Brayden exclaimed, spinning on his barstool and facing me. “Come on, Mack. I saved you a seat.” He winked.
I glanced around the empty bar, rolling my eyes. “Yeah. Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t save me that seat.” I sat down beside him and smiled at Jenna, who was sitting on the other side of him. It was a popular place, but mostly for dinner. The dining room was packed with locals, businessmen, and tourists, but the small little bar remained relatively vacant.
I hung my purse on the hook underneath the counter and my eyes darted to the opposite end of the bar where a mystery man sat one night months ago. His stool was empty, which was exactly how I felt. I had been pretending I was over him and all the lies he told, but I wasn’t. I had hoped if I kept saying I was over him, I had moved past him, I didn’t need him, I didn’t love him, it would be okay.