by MJ Carnal
I feel pleasure building deep in my core. I want to let go but I’m enjoying this so much. I know he’d do this for hours if I’d let him. When his eyes meet mine again, it’s too much. I grab his head and ride his tongue as my orgasm rips through me. He continues to lick softly as my body spasms.
When he’s had his fill, he unzips his pants and slides inside me. We fit together perfectly. The granite countertops are slick with sweat and I anchor my ankles against his perfectly chiseled ass.
“Move in with me.” He pumps into me slowly, letting me feel every inch of him. “I want to do this every night.”
“Max.” I try to protest but he circles his hips and hits that spot I love so much. Damn him. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me.
“Move in with me, Rach.” He circles his hips again.
I pant. “Isn’t it too soon?”
“I’ve known you over a year. We should have moved in together months ago.” He has a point. It doesn’t make it any less scary.
“Ok.”
“Ok?” He pinches my clit and pumps hard. My legs shake. I’m close.
“I’m going to come, baby. I’m so close.” His thrusts become harder and faster.
He hits the spot and he knows it. He smirks at me when my eyes widen. He shifts his weight and his strokes are in rapid succession, each one hitting my G Spot and I scream as I explode all over him.
My head falls forward and I bite his shoulder and that’s all it takes. My name is on his lips when he empties himself into me. For the rest of my life, I will never get tired of hearing the way my name sounds as he comes. It’s part roar, part throaty plea. I would never admit it to him but if he ever wanted to get his way, all he’d have to do is say my name like that. My whole body responds to his voice.
“Don’t shower.” He kisses me as he pulls out and I miss him instantly. “I want to smell myself on you tonight.”
“Max. I need to shower. You don’t think other people will smell you on me too?” I blush.
“I hope they do. Then they’ll know you’re mine. Just a reminder that they’ll never have you. No one will ever have you again.”
“You get so possessive after sex.” I laugh. I can’t help it. He turns into a caveman at the thought of anyone else looking at me.
“You’re mine. Get used to it. That’s not going to change.” He kisses me and just like that, he proves once again that he’s right.
Chapter 26
My hands are sweating. I’ve kept this secret for more than a year and I don’t know how Harley is going to respond. When I first did it, I thought he would see it as a betrayal. That’s not why I did it. I refused to watch him give up and I knew this day would come.
I watch as Harley steps up on the makeshift stage. I could not be more proud of him. He’s fought so hard. I think about where we were a year ago and I cringe. The autopsy results came out and that was the end for him. He’d been on a downward spiral for several months but that pushed him over the top. He attacked me that night in the back yard. I’d felt the breeze hit my face and I said I missed Della. He went crazy and I didn’t try to stop him. I was numb too and it felt good to take some of his pain away.
He disappeared after that. He was gone almost a week. I knew he was with Oksana and I prayed every night that he would survive just one more day. It was that bad. Thank God for Laney and Rachel. Two extraordinary women who wouldn’t put up with his bullshit and helped pull him out of the pits of hell.
“My name is Julie and I’m an alcoholic.” She winks at Harley as the group says their hellos. “Tonight is a big night. It’s a huge night. I’ve had the honor of being Harley’s sponsor. It’s been a rough road for both of us. He was pretty lost when he stepped through those doors for the first time. He’d just gotten out of rehab and he was dangerously close to taking a drink. I remember those first days after I got out of rehab. They were torture. I recognized the look right away and I had to bend a few of the rules to get to be his sponsor. And he was not easy to talk to.”
We all laugh. That’s an understatement. Harley is smiling and I am so damn proud.
“We talk almost every night. There’ve been some close calls but he’s always been willing to listen to me. He broke all the damn rules. He definitely tried to make it about an eight step program.” Her laughter makes everyone in the room laugh. “But you made it.”
Harley shakes his head and she wipes a tear from her eye. I like this woman. He’s kept this part of his life separate from all of us. We all respect his privacy about the meetings and his sponsor. Being able to see their connection tonight makes it so clear. He found the perfect support group.
“One year clean. Three hundred and sixty-five days sober. It’s a lifetime to an addict. It’s a milestone so many of us don’t hit. And some of us hit it over and over again. I feel confident that you will only hit it once on your way to two years, then three. And for the rest of your life, I will be proud to be your sponsor. I’m honored to be up here tonight to present a one year chip to you. It’s a journey I was proud to take with you every step of the way. It’s been a long road but it has lead you home. It lead you to happiness and good health. I know I speak for all of us who have witnessed your dedication. Congratulations. We are all so proud of you.”
I see Julie take the chip from her pocket and I take a deep breath. This is the moment I hoped would come for so long. I steady my hands and stand up. I don’t want to take the moment away from her but I think it needs to be a moment filled with sentiment. A moment filled with the love of his wife and his brothers.
“I’m sorry to interrupt. I was hoping it would be ok if I give him his chip.” I walk up to the stage slowly, my hands in my pocket.
My fingers run over the ridges of the coin that has been a constant accessory for more than a year. I’ve had it in my pocket every single time I leave my house. It has been on tour with us. Every night on stage, I reach into my pocket, rub it for luck, and thank Della for being the amazing woman she was. It’s been a security blanket for me until the day I could give it back to Harley.
As I stand next to him on stage, tears fill my eyes. I pull the chip out of my pocket and a sense of peace blankets me. I can almost hear Della’s voice thanking me for never giving up on him. My faith in her has always been strong but tonight, I feel her standing right next to me.
“Is that?” Harley’s voice cracks as he stares at the chip in my hand. He looks at Julie’s hands and then back to mine.
I nod my head. “There was no way I was letting you bury this with Dell. She believed in you and made me promise her I’d keep you sober. Seeing you put it into the casket was like watching you give up. I knew it would be a long road to get back to this minute but I wasn’t willing to let you bury your past when we buried her.”
I hand Harley the chip and he runs his fingers over it. He whispers, “To thine own self be true.”
I look out to see my family sitting together in the second row. Rachel is crying and she blows me a kiss. I look down the line. Damien is holding Mia as she cries into his shoulder. Joshua is struggling to keep his composure. But the biggest surprise is Chance. He’s openly crying, no attempt to hide it. His eyes are red and his cheeks are soaked. Even crying he’s a handsome son of a bitch and I make a mental note to kick his ass later.
Harley yanks me into a hug. He squeezes me so tightly, I can’t breathe. “I love you, Cal.”
I laugh. “I love you too, brother. We all vow to have your back every day. We’ll all stand with you when things get hard and you want a drink and we’ll celebrate with you when you don’t take one.”
“Thank you.”
I whisper into his ear. “She’d be so proud of you. You made it, man.”
“She’d be proud of both her men.” Harley keeps me close and whispers back. “She loved you, too. It was the only thing we ever fought about. I thought I was going to lose her to you a few times. I know you two would have never betrayed me but her feelings were mutual for a whil
e.”
I don’t know what to say. I thought I’d done such a good job hiding my true feelings for all those years. I shake my head. “Harley.”
“It’s ok, Max. You’re an honorable man. I understand why she loved you.” Harley lets me go and walks to the microphone to speak.
My head is spinning. For a minute, the whole world stops. All the looks I thought I’d imagined were real. All the times she left the room when I walked in and I thought I’d done something to make her upset, they were her way of dealing with what she was feeling. I smile. To know a woman as amazing as Della loved me is good for the ego.
I’m glad I didn’t know when she was alive. I don’t know what I would have done but it would have changed everything. I would have held on forever. I would have thought those feelings were enough. I never would have known the true love I have with Rachel. I never would have known how it feels to be breathless after a kiss. I wouldn’t have ever felt the way my world settles just knowing the person I love is near me. I would never have experienced the feeling of pure joy I have every morning when I wake up and Rachel is still asleep next to me.
When I take my seat, Rachel squeezes my hand and whispers, “That was the most heartfelt gesture I’ve ever seen. You had the chip the whole time?”
I don’t even answer her. I take her face in my hands and stare into her gray eyes. She’s everything. “I love you so much.”
Her mouth meets mine and I can taste her tears on her lips. They’re tears of joy and they’re the only tears I will ever make her cry. I will do my best to protect her and keep her happy the rest of her life. I want to marry this woman more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I want to have a bunch of kids and a minivan and a house full of laughter. And I want all boys. If I have girls and they look anything like their mom, I’ll have to load my shot-guns and come to peace with the fact I will be in jail for killing some little punk who tries to take any of my daughters out.
“Where’s that head of yours? You have the best look on your face.” Rachel’s smile lights up her whole face.
“I’m thinking about our kids.”
“Our what?” I laugh at the look of shock on her face.
Everyone starts to clap and I realize I’ve missed Harley’s whole speech. I seem to be daydreaming a lot these days. I can’t help myself. I’m happy and it’s not something I ever imagined I’d be.
Chapter 27
I look around the packed gymnasium and my heart pounds. I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my life. Max has worked tirelessly on a program to help kids overcome abuse. I have watched him break down more times than I can even count. I’ve also watched him heal and forgive himself for all the guilt. If he were my patient, I would tell him it was time to stop seeing me and how proud I am of how far he’s come. But he’s my boyfriend and as the woman who loves him, I will just remind him that he is amazing and that each day I love him a little more.
I smooth my hand down the front of my tee-shirt. I feel the inscription and smile. #hopefortomorrow has become a motto in our home. When I started this healing journey with Max, I never imagined we’d be here today. I honestly questioned if he’d come through the grief he felt after losing Della. When his abuse came to light, I was sure he’d fade into the background again and shut people out like the Max of the early days. Instead, he crashed through all the walls he’d put up and came out victorious.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have a special surprise for you today. We’ve assembled you all here to talk about a very serious topic. Instead of another boring video, we thought a live speaker would be better.”
The kids are talking to each other and hardly paying the principal any attention. For a fleeting second, I wonder if this was a bad idea. I want to protect Max, not open him up to further scrutiny.
“I’m sure some of you have heard of the band Liquid Regret.”
That got their attention. I chuckle under my breath. Max was right. His notoriety needs to be used for good. He’ll be their voice and he’ll make it ok to talk to someone about what might be happening at home.
“One of the members of the band is here with us today.”
Screaming. The principal waves his hands to try to get them to calm down and it takes a few minutes until it’s quiet again. Max sends me a text that he’s just going to come out and let them get the screaming out of the way.
I know the second he steps into the gym because the screams pierce my ear drums. God, he’s handsome. His jeans are torn and his tee is fitted to his chest. He’s so tall and his blond hair is the perfect mess. He spends so long in the mirror getting the just woke up look. His blue eyes are clear these days. I no longer see the shadows that hid there.
“Hey guys.” That deep voice sends shivers down my spine. I can’t imagine being a girl going through puberty and full of hormones hearing that sexy voice. “Thank you so much. Let’s calm down. Thank you.” He laughs as the screams continue.
I give him a thumbs up and he winks at me. A few of the teachers sitting in my area turn around and give me the once over. Eat your hearts out women. That man is mine and I’m not letting him go.
“My name’s Max and I play the drums for Liquid Regret.” He shakes his head. “I’ll never get through this if you guys keep screaming. You’re my first stop and I need you to help me get through this. Think you can do that?”
They calm down and give him their attention. He’s so good in front of a crowd. I know he’s not comfortable being the center of attention but this is his story to tell and no one can tell it like he can.
“I’m here today to talk to you about abuse and rape. Did you know that one in four of you girls will be sexually abused before you turn 18? Look around. One in four. Think about who you sit with at lunch or who you ride the bus home with. One in four of you will be abused sexually, most likely by a family member. And guys, one in six of you will be too. That number is astounding and it’s unacceptable. I’m here to tell you that we need to make this stop. We need to make it a subject that’s ok to talk about. We need to educate ourselves and our teachers and our families so we can report it as soon as it happens. You don’t ask for this. We don’t bring it on by what we wear or how we act or the things we say. If someone touches you without your permission, it is sexual abuse. If someone kisses you or makes advances on you and you say no, and that person keeps doing it, that is sexual abuse. It does not have to be sex. It can be touching or using your mouth but if it’s happening to you, you can get help.”
My stomach is in knots. These kids are mesmerized by this larger than life man in front of them talking about something so raw. We talked about how much he could say without scaring them but in typical Max fashion, he took my hand and looked me in the eye and told me that he was going to change lives.
“When I was about your age, my dad met a woman who didn’t seem much older than I was. She was really pretty and she paid a lot of attention to me. That made me feel really special. My hormones were going crazy and this good looking woman made me feel like a man. One night, she came into my room while my dad was out of town. She told me that she wanted to share something really important with me. I was uncomfortable right away. She told me that she had something that would make me feel really good.”
He stops and takes a deep breath. I can see him struggling to keep his emotions under control. He told me how scared he was that he’d cry or panic. I close my eyes and send up a prayer that he will stay strong.
“That night she invited a man into my room. I said no and tried to fight him off. My step mom put a needle in my arm and gave me a drug called Ketamine. It’s also known as Special K on the streets. My first abuser was a vet and it was a drug he used on animals to put them to sleep before surgery. When I was almost unconscious, he raped me while my step mom watched. Over the next few years, she brought a lot of men back to the house. Sometimes my dad was on business trips but sometimes he was home. I fought back every single time but I never spoke up. I’m here to make sure you are st
rong enough to speak up for yourself.”
The gymnasium is completely silent. The students are staring at Max, some of them with their hands over their mouths. I wonder how many of these kids are abused. I wonder if one of them will be strong enough to talk to someone.
“I never told anyone. My dad was a judge then. He was running for his first public office and everything at home had to seem perfect if he was going to get elected. My step mom told me that she’d go to the newspaper and tell them that I came on to her while my dad was out of town. She said she’d ruin his reputation. I was afraid that she would but I was more afraid of what my dad would do if his career was ruined over her lies. He was in love with her and I knew he would believe her instead of me. After a while, he knew it was happening. He would hear me yelling for help but he never came. I knew then that I was the only person who could save me.”
He wipes his eyes but doesn’t seem phased by his tears. I know I’ll hear this story over and over again. The first time I heard it, my heart shattered. The next few times, it broke again. But after a while, I could see the healing happening in his eyes. His face wasn’t so tortured and I realized that telling this story was the way that he would heal his heart. His beautiful, loving heart that he shared with me and the rest of the world was finally threading itself back together.
Chapter 28
The day I confronted my dad was the day I thought would be the hardest in my life. I was wrong. This is harder. Standing here in front of hundreds of kids, I’m pouring my heart out and letting them see the real me in my rawest form. I scan the first few rows of bleachers and wonder if I’m getting through to anyone. One young girl has tears in her eyes and I know I have to continue for her. She’s the one I’ll save today.
“Everything changed one day in high school. I had cut school because the waves were supposed to be killer. I spent the whole day surfing and wiped out a few times. I was pretty sore so I came home and got in the hot tub. I heard my dad come home early so I ran into the pool house to hide. They were waiting for me in there. This time it was different. This time, the drugs didn’t take control as fast. This time I was able to fight back a little more and when I did, my step mom tried to give me a second dose. I could hear my dad and uncle talking on the deck and I refused to be a victim again. I yelled and punched and when my uncle came into the pool house, I thought it was over.”