by MJ Carnal
I need to take a minute. I reach for my bottle of water and take a few sips. I quickly glance at the little girl in the second row and she’s shaking.
“I’m not sure it will ever be over but I’m learning to deal with it and I’m starting to heal. I was too scared to get help. I was ashamed because I was a young man and I thought I should’ve been able to fight them off. I thought I deserved to be punished for something and that’s why it was happening. I thought it was my fault. It wasn’t. Do you hear me? It was not my fault. It’s not your fault. It is never your fault.”
Deep breath.
“Do you know what the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life is? This. Right now. Telling my story. I’m afraid you’ll judge me. I’m afraid that if I tell people, they’ll make fun of me or bully me or worst case scenario, not believe me. I’m afraid that people will see me as weak or damaged. Because for a long time, that’s how I saw myself. We are our own worst critics. I listened to the voice in my head that said I wasn’t good enough for so long, that I believed it. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. You are worth so much more than that.”
I look directly at the girl in the second row. I can only hope I’m getting through. “Tell someone. If you can’t tell a family member, tell your teacher. If you can’t tell your teacher, tell your friend or your friend’s parents. Tell me. I’m listening. The people who do this need to be stopped. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I know that. But you deserve a happy life. A life you feel safe living. A place to call home that isn’t a place you fear. A neighborhood where you can go outside and not feel like a victim.”
The teachers begin to clap and I’m caught off guard. I’m so lost in my words that I’m pouring so much passion and heart out for them to see. It’s time we change this world. “Listen guys. I have a foundation that’s brand new but we are ready to help. I have tee-shirts for everyone who wants one. And when you leave today, you’ll be handed a pamphlet with our hotline and contact information. Everyone needs to take one. If you don’t need it, stick it in your desk drawer so someday you’ll have it if you’re the person your friend turns to. Abuse doesn’t discriminate. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me. My dad paid me not to say anything to anyone and I will be using the sum of his hush money to break ground on a home for children who need a place to go. No questions asked, just a warm place to sleep at night.”
I look over at Rachel and she’s got tears in her eyes. I mentioned this idea one time and she was on board. I know she will always be by my side, through all the darkness and all the light ahead. “There is hope in tomorrow. Sometimes it’s really hard to see that. I was where you are and look where I am today. I decided to start living for me and get away from the abuse. I guarantee you can do it too. And that’s why I’m here today. I’m a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Everyone working with this foundation is a survivor or has a loved one who was abused. My sister will be running it and I will be a constant presence for everyone who enters our doors. Until we’re up and running, we have places lined up where we can place kids who need to get away from their abusers. Your principal has agreed to let students use his office to call the hotline if you need to talk to someone.”
I smile. I’ve done everything I can do to make it safe to talk to someone. The girl in the second row gives me a shy smile and it almost brings me to my knees. “That’s my story. All the awful details that made me the abused but also made me a survivor. If you take one thing away from today, just know that you are worth it. You don’t have to be the victim. You can fight back and there are people who are here to help you. There’s hope in tomorrow. I want you to remember that. Thanks so much for listening to me today. Rock on, guys.”
They’re on their feet. Some of them simply because of who I am, but others are standing because I got through to them today. What a powerful feeling. I’m filled with so many emotions and I want to hug every single one of these kids.
Rachel runs at me from the bleachers and I wrap my arms around her as I walk out with Maddox at my side. The kids are clapping and talking and I feel so overwhelmed. I take a rapid breath and try to center myself. Teachers are at the doors of the cafeteria with boxes of shirts handing them to those who want them. It’s chaos and it makes my heart happy to see so many kids lined up for one.
“Do you see the girl in the red sweater?” I ask Rachel and she nods. “Could you give her Karen’s cell phone number and ask her to call her any time?”
“Absolutely.” Rachel runs over and starts talking to the groups of girls she is with. They are all laughing and in awe of what she has to say. It melts my heart when I see her pass the number to the girl from the second row. She does it so no one else can see and I know that I have found the person who is going to help me change the world.
“Thanks.” I hug her when she comes back.
“Hey, anything for you. You know that. Besides, they were super excited that I knew you. They had a lot of questions about the band.” She giggles.
“Did you tell them that I’m hopelessly in love with you? That I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy?” I kiss her deeply and when I break the kiss, I smile down at her those beautiful gray eyes. “You’ve saved me, Rachel Preston. You’re my everything. I’m the luckiest man on Earth.”
Chapter 29
“Scoot over,” I whisper through the darkness. This is the third group home I’ve been in this year and this one scares me. “I’m freezing. Let me in.”
“I’m tired.” She groans but moves over to make room for me.
“I can’t sleep.” I pull her close to me. Her body heat helps me stop shivering.
“We’re going to get in trouble if they catch us.” Kat opens her eyes and looks at me. Those beautiful blue eyes get me every time. She’s twelve, exactly one year older than I am to the day. She’s the first girl I’ve ever found pretty. She makes me want to do things I’m not sure I even understand.
“I’m freezing. The heat is broken again.” I pull her as close as I can.
“Ok, Lenny. You can stay. But as soon as the sun comes up, you need to go.” She nuzzles her head under my chin. Her tiny body wraps around me. She is my salvation. She’s the first person I’ve ever had a connection with.
Kat has been here for about a month. The day she showed up, my world changed. The first night she was here, I could hear her crying and I snuck into her room to see if she was ok. She was so small and I wanted to protect her. She told me her dad had killed her mom and took off. She didn’t have any other family, so social services placed her here. I wanted to cry for her. She was so sad. I never knew my parents so this is normal life to me. I can’t imagine having a home and then ended up somewhere like this. This house is cold and dark and they hardly feed us. There are so many of us here and no one ever comes to check on us.
Until Kat showed up, I misbehaved to see if I could get reassigned. Once she showed up, I decided I needed to be here. I’ve been watching everything I say or do in order to stay. I’m not sure I’d survive without her.
I rub her back and she pushes her body into mine. I’m full of hormones. I want to touch her. I want to kiss her. I want her to know I think she’s pretty.
“Kitty Kat.” She looks up at me. “You make my stomach feel nervous.”
She blushes. “You make mine feel funny too.”
“I want to kiss you.” I tremble as I wait for her answer. She nods her head and I have the go ahead.
She scoots up so our faces are close. I close my eyes and my lips meet hers. Neither of us know what we’re doing. It doesn’t matter. There are fireworks. Our teeth clank together, my tongue is awkward but her mouth is heaven. She moans and my body becomes hard. I’m afraid to touch her anywhere. I don’t want the kiss to end. Her dark hair falls around me and it’s silk. She smells like honey. She’s perfect.
The door slams open and the lights flip on. Kat and I fly apart. It’s too late. He’s caught us.
“Lenny, go into your
room and pack your stuff. You’re out of here. Kat, get down to the kitchen and start cleaning. There’s no more sleeping tonight.” His voice booms and I’m sure he’s woken up everyone in the house.
I run past him in the doorway. I grab my duffle bag and throw my few possessions inside. I’m terrified he’ll try to hurt her. I wanted to protect her and all I did was screw it up. I’ll never get close to another woman again. If I can’t protect them, then I’m not a man.
“Let’s go,” he yells from the door, keys in his hands. “I’m dropping you off with the case worker. She’ll find you another home. I’m disappointed in you, Lenny. I can’t have that happening under my roof.”
“What about Kat?” I’m only asking because I want to make sure she’ll be safe.
“She’s gone as soon as they find her another place. Trust me, it will be nowhere near where you’re going.”
Epilogue
3 Months Later
“I’m starving.” I look over at Rachel and she rolls her eyes. “Come on, let’s go get donuts.”
“Max, it’s eleven at night. There’s nowhere to get donuts right now.”
“Jolly Pirate Donuts is open twenty-four hours a day.” I jump off the bed and grab my shoes. “Come on. Let’s hustle.”
She puts her book down and looks at me. She’s in her pajamas with her hair thrown up on the top of her head. She’s got a day full of patients tomorrow but I don’t care. Getting donuts is the priority right now. She can sleep another night.
“Any chance you’ll go without me?” She pokes her bottom lip out and I laugh.
“You can go like that. Come on. No one will be there this time of night.” I throw my pillow at her. “I’m starving.”
“You’re lucky you’re cute.” She throws on her flip flops and stomps her feet down the hall.
“I have a game we can play with the donuts later, too.” I want to laugh but I keep a straight face. “It’s like a ring toss.”
Her jaw drops and she shakes her head. “Oh my God. Get in the car.”
“You’ll love it.”
She laughs and it’s perfection. Her whole face transforms with pure joy and it’s contagious. I laugh right along with her as we pull out onto the highway. To further make her crazy, I change the radio to a country station. I know I’m pushing my luck but when I tease her, she gives it right back. She’s the perfect balance for me.
“I’m getting something with sprinkles.” I lick my lips.
“How old are you?” I lick my finger and stick it in her ear as my response.
“What is it with you and donuts anyway?” She checks her phone for missed texts and tunes out the country music.
“It’s my weakness, babe.” I pull up outside Jolly Pirate Donuts and clap my hands as we park. She shakes her head and smiles at me.
It’s quiet inside and I let out a sigh of relief. No bodyguards and pajamas make for an interesting combination. I drape myself across the counter to get a better look at what’s in the case. The sprinkles catch my eye first.
The waitress folds the donut box that looks like a treasure chest as I rattle off my ridiculously large donut order. Rachel orders two donuts and I fill the box with anything that has a cream filling. She’s staring at me like I’ve lost my mind but I’m nervous and I’m trying to stall.
“I need to go to the bathroom.” She excuses herself and it couldn’t be more perfect.
I pay for the donuts and grab the change. A line of gumball machines sit in the corner of the room and I run over to them. I put a quarter in the ring machine. The first ring that comes out is a blue ring that will probably fit on her finger. That won’t work.
“Shit.” I laugh and try again. This time, a tiny, pink, heart ring is dispensed and I smile. “Perfect.”
I walk into the center of the aisle and wait. And wait. And wait. Does she know and she’s just torturing me? My hands are shaking and I’m starting to sweat. The woman behind the counter thinks I’m crazy and is looking at me like I’m going to steal something. I want to laugh because she has no idea who I am or what’s about to happen.
The door opens to the hallway and Rachel walks through. I love this woman more than anything on Earth. She’s so gorgeous, standing there in her pajamas, her hair a mess and make up half rubbed off. I grin like I’m up to something and she tilts her head.
“What are you doing?” She laughs.
I drop to one knee and she takes a step back. I pull out the pink plastic container from the gumball machine and pop the top. She looks inside at the plastic, pink heart and starts laughing. She pulls out her cell phone and takes a picture of me down on my knee holding the plastic ring.
“Well?” I lift the plastic container higher and she laughs harder.
She flutters her eye-lashes and smiles. “It’s beautiful. It’s exactly what I wanted.”
She puts out her pinkie and I slip the ring just past her finger nail before it gets stuck. I show her the blue ring on my pinkie and she laughs even harder.
“I don’t like the way that fits you. You’re going to lose it. It was seriously expensive, Rach. I paid a quarter. You need to be really careful.” I look at it and it is wedged above her knuckle. It’s probably cutting off her circulation.
The smile on her face is a smile I will remember for the rest of my life. I groan as I get up off my knee. That makes us both laugh.
“Seriously, let me see it.” I take her hand and tug it off her finger.
“Max! Stop. I love it.” She tries to pull her hand away but I stop her.
I stand still and look her right in the eyes. This is the moment I’ve thought about since Christmas night. We hadn’t even been out on a date but I knew then.
I kneel again and pull the diamond from my pocket. “I thought you might like this one a little better.”
She gasps when she sees the ring. I’ve had it for months. When I saw it, I knew she had to have it. It’s simple but it sparkles as much as she does. It shines as bright as her personality and its beauty is matched only by the stunning woman who will be wearing it.
“Rachel Elizabeth Preston, I love you more than I ever thought possible. You saved me the day we met and you continue to save me every single day. You add joy where there’s always been sorrow. You add light where there’s only been darkness. You taught me to love and forgive. You make me whole and I want to spend the rest of my life walking by your side if you’ll have me. You’re my person. I don’t want to spend one day without you. Will you marry me?”
She throws her arms around me, tackling me onto the floor of Jolly Pirate Donuts. She kisses me and repeats the word yes over and over again. She’s all I will ever need.
My life has come full circle since the house on the hill in Newport Beach. I left there a broken man, lost and alone with no one by my side. Della found me and in an instant, I was saved. That day, I wasn’t Callum Maxwell, rich kid with the giant bank account and the future in politics. I was Max, drummer, best friend, brother. I no longer spent my time being a victim.
I wasn’t open to love the day I met Rachel. But I saw her and something inside me shifted. With just a brush of my fingers against her hand, I knew my life wouldn’t be the same. She walked into our lives in the darkest days we’d ever had as a family and she added sunshine, warm and bright, for all of us to heal and learn to love again.
She made me see that life is worth living. Not as my counselor but as my partner in crime. She walks by my side, never leading, never following. She loves me because I’m Max, not the drummer for Liquid Regret. She laughs at me, she cries with me and she keeps me grounded when this rock star life gets too crazy. She inspires my music and gives me something to rush home to after a long stretch on the road.
In the midst of all my fear and doubt, she shows me that there’s hope in tomorrow. It’s a lesson I will take with me and put out into the world. But most of all, she’s taught me to forgive myself. Because I’m worth it. Because she’s worth it. Because we’re worth it.<
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The End
Thank You!
First of all, I need to thank my daughter for being “my person”. She won’t read this for a very long time (I hope) but she is everything.
Thank you to Ripp Baker for being my “Max” and for letting me stalk your photos for inspiration. You’re awesome and I’m honored you were on my cover. I can’t wait to work with you again.
Golden with FuriousFotog! Good Lord. I have no words for your talent and I am so lucky to have worked with you on these books. I adore you and I look forward to many more years of kick ass covers together.
To Marisa with Cover Me, Darling. As always, I am in awe of your vision. You made these covers so beautiful. I will never be able to thank you enough.
To Kellie Montgomery. You are so much more than just my editor or my PR guru. You have given me amazing advice over the years and been my rock when I needed it. You were the first blog to ever share any of my work and I cherish our friendship.
Janelle and Hannah. I honestly don’t know how I survived all the years I did without you two in my life. Thank you for being my push when I’m stuck, my betas, my travel buddies, my therapists, my rocks. You have seen me through so much “real life” and I’m so glad we get to share the book world too. I love you both to the moon and back.
To Harper Sloan. Girl, you are just a rock star. I adore you. I’m so honored you let me use Maddox as Max’s kick ass body guard. Tell him thanks for keeping my boy safe. I’m so happy to have even just a small piece of you. Your friendship is a gift.