by Sam Lollar
“No, ma’am, I can’t imagine,” I said as she waved the double barreled undergarment in my face.
“I’m going to leave it here. The next person wandering through this old shack will have a real surprise.”
“Yes, I suppose they will at that,” I agreed.
Laughing with abandon, Miss LuLu scooped up Pookie and dashed out the door back to the car. “Hurry, doll, let’s continue our adventure.” I pulled back on the highway, trying to be sure not to look at her somewhat exposed breasts. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why Bob insisted on calling this a “titty pink Mustang.” Those titties were nowhere near the color of this car. We continued driving, Miss LuLu humming along to the tune on the radio. Eventually we got to Anthony.
“God almighty, dahling. Do people actually live here? Look at these people. They look like they have given up on life.”
“Many of them are probably farm workers. I know a lot of people live out here because they work at the prison.”
“There’s a prison here? It looks like this whole area is a prison.”
“Oh, it’s not that bad,” I said. “There are a lot of good things about living here.”
“Oh, really? Like what? I bet you can’t name one thing good about living here.”
“Well, uh…”
“As I thought, you can’t even think of one.”
“Now, wait a minute. I’m thinking. I like the nights here in the summertime. When the sun goes down, it’s like the skies are alive with stars.”
“Yes, I did notice that last night when Madame Schuster and I went to dinner.”
“Did she go out with you?” I asked, eager to change the subject.
“Well, yes, of course she did. Why did you ask such a question?”
“She never seems to go anywhere. I’ve never seen her eat anywhere outside her apartment. And when she’s eating, no one is ever allowed inside. I think it’s weird, that’s all.”
“Oh, come now, dear boy. She’s embarrassed about her weight, that’s all. She is a full-figured woman, after all. She doesn’t like to go out in public because people tend to stare at her, and she feels everyone is counting up all the calories she’s taking in. I can’t say I blame her, really.”
“She’s just such a nice lady. I think it’s kind of sad that she is…well…”
“‘Fat’ is the word you’re looking for, dahling. She is fat. And yes, it is sad she is so heavy. But only she can deal with it, not me and certainly not you. Speaking of fat, I’m hungry. Didn’t you say we were going to a great little restaurant?”
“Well, yes, ma’am. If you still want to go.”
“Why in heaven’s name would I not want to go? I’m starving.”
“It’s just your…uh, your…”
“My tits? Do you think I shouldn’t be seen like this?”
“Well, I don’t know, I suppose…”
“Oh, for God’s sake. I’ll put this shawl around me so no one can see,” she said, reaching into the backseat to grab the shawl she had brought for Pookie to curl up on.
“In that case, I suppose it’s all right. La Posta is in Old Mesilla, just up the road a ways. I think it’s really neat, with the birds and all. We’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”
“Birds? What sort of birds are there?”
“I don’t know. Parakeets, I guess. But they just let them fly around.”
“God. Don’t they, um, ‘mess’ on the tables and people?”
“I guess not; I never thought about it before. Here it is, Miss LuLu. There are plans to fix it up even more and make it a real tourist attraction,” I said as we drove into the plaza area of Old Mesilla.
“It is quaint, isn’t it? Look, Billy the Kid signs. Did he eat here?”
“Before this was a restaurant, he supposedly hung out here. I don’t know how true that story is, though.”
“It looks absolutely charming.”
I parked the car and we got out, Pookie under her arm. “Miss LuLu, I don’t think they’ll let your dog in the restaurant.”
“Nonsense, dahling. Of course they will. If they allow birds to fly around and poop on people, they’ll have no problems with my dog. Come along.”
We entered the restaurant and, sure enough, the maître d’ came over, hands out in front of him, shaking his head.
“No dogs, lady, no dogs,” he was saying.
Miss LuLu turned away from me, and said something to him under her breath while she put a twenty in his hand.
“Oh, but of course. What a treat to have you visit us. Please come right this way. Carlos, clear the table in the VIP room.”
The room was abuzz as everyone turned to their dining companions and whispered about the mysterious woman. I was beginning to think I was the only person who didn’t know who she was. To my amazement, we were ushered into a back dining area, where Pookie was free to roam the length of his leash.
Shortly, we were dining on wonderful “New Mexican” food, Miss LuLu clearly enjoying herself. I was a bit concerned when she ordered a second margarita. “Come on, dahling, have one. They are simply too divine.”
“No, ma’am; I don’t think I should.”
“Nonsense, I insist. One little margarita isn’t going to hurt you. Don’t you go drinking with Dab, or Punt, or whatever you said your girlfriend’s name is?”
“Her name is Pat, and, no, ma’am, we don’t do that.”
“Well, shit. You’re going to have a drink, or we’re not leaving.”
“All right, but I’m underage. I’m not twenty-one.”
“Would you stop whining about this already? Garçon, a margarita for my dahling companion, here.”
Within seconds, they placed a drink before me. They never checked my ID or asked my age, and I must admit I was getting curious, having never tasted a margarita before. In fact, the only alcohol I ever had was the wine at Communion when I went to church with my grandmother, which wasn’t often. Before long, I had a second margarita. When the third drink was in my hands, I realized why they were so popular. I was feeling wonderful. “Miss LuLu. These are great.”
“Yes, angel, I know. Go on, have another.”
From the vantage point provided by the intervening years, I realize now she was deliberately getting me drunk. And it didn’t take long, either, since I never drank. After the third one, I was really loopy.
“Well, dear boy, I guess we better head back to town and the Rancho.”
“Whoa. I don’t think I can walk so good,” I said as I tried to stand up and broke into giggles.
“That’s all right, doll. Take my arm. Hold your head up and act like you don’t care what people might say.”
I tried, but mostly I tried not to stumble over my own feet as she led me to the car. I managed to crawl into the passenger seat, and she got behind the wheel.
“Now, don’t pass out on me, doll, I’m not sure how to get back to town.”
Somehow, I managed to give her the right directions, because the next thing I knew, it was sundown and we were pulling up to her room at the motel.
“Come on inside, dahling, while I get you some coffee.” She allowed me to crash on her bed. I had no idea how long I was there, but when I awoke, bright sunshine was streaming into the room. I was naked under the bedcovers.
Moments later, Miss LuLu entered the room with a tray of muffins and coffee.
“Oh, good, dahling. You’re finally awake. I brought you some food. I thought you might be hungry.”
As she placed the muffins next to the bed, the smell made me quite nauseous. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”
“Well, for heaven’s sake, don’t do it in the bed. Go to the bathroom.”
“I don’t have any clothes on.”
“For God’s sake, dahling. Just go. I promise not to peek.”
I threw the covers off and dashed into the bathroom, just in time to lose about a gallon of margaritas into the toilet. I retched for what seemed like hours, when I felt a cool w
ashcloth on the back of my neck.
“There, there, doll. I think you’ll feel better after this,” Miss LuLu said behind my back.
Too exhausted and hung over to care any more about my nakedness, I took the washcloth and managed to crawl back under the covers. She kept her room icy cold, so covers were definitely in order. “I don’t feel so good.”
“Well I guess not. You had four margaritas at the restaurant and a glass of wine when we got back here last night. I’m pleased to see you haven’t died altogether. But you’ll be all right. Just lie there for a while.”
“What happened to my clothes? Where are they?”
“After you barfed on them and passed out last night, I had Scott help me undress you. He gave your clothes to Lupe to wash. They should be dry by now, I suppose. Don’t fret, doll. You’re among friends. I must say, it was not easy getting you off the floor and into bed, though. Scott wanted to take you to his room to sleep it off, but you were too heavy. We decided it wisest to leave you here.”
“Where did you sleep, then?”
“Oh, next door. Since these two rooms join, I could come in and check on you from time to time. But really, it was too funny. It took both Scott and Bob to lift your dead weight up onto the mattress. We were laughing so hard they almost dropped you a couple of times. Madame Schuster kept yelling, ‘Don’t drop him. Don’t drop him.’ Fortunately, we didn’t.”
“You mean, everyone was here? They all saw me like this?”
“What do you mean, ‘like this’? You mean drunk? Or naked?”
“Well, both, I guess. Did they see me naked?”
“Of course they did. We had to get those smelly clothes off you. Though I think Lupe averted her eyes as she helped undo your trousers. She kept crossing herself and saying, ‘Oh, Dios mio.’”
“Oh my God. Lupe, too? I guess I should be happy you didn’t sell tickets.”
“I guess you’re feeling a bit better if you can manage to be snide. Your precious body is still virginal, doll. Nobody touched you.”
“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just really embarrassed about this, that’s all. I’ve never been drunk before. I guess I don’t really know much about drunk protocol.”
“You’re doing fine, dahling, just fine. You rest for a bit. You’ll feel better now that you’ve upchucked again.”
I drifted off to sleep, waking about two hours later. Miss LuLu was gone, but the ringing phone awakened me. I answered it with a very tired, “Hello?”
“Aaron? Is that you, boy?”
“Yeah, who’s this?”
“This is Bob at the front desk. Man, you were really plastered last night. What all did you do? Miss LuLu was pretty mum about it all. Said something about your first time. You didn’t screw her, did you, boy?”
“What? No. At least I don’t think so. I don’t remember. I told her I didn’t drink, but she kept pouring margaritas down my throat, and I just don’t know what happened.”
“Hoo boy. What a sight you were. I hadn’t seen that much vomit come out of one person since I left the Navy. Scott wouldn’t touch your clothes to take them off you until Lupe sponged you down. And for Scott to not want to take your clothes off, you had to really have been a mess.” He laughed out loud.
“Bob? What time is it? Where are my clothes?”
“It’s about one thirty. You want to work this afternoon?”
“Yeah, I’m feeling better now. But where are my clothes?”
“Lupe’s got them in the utility room. They’re clean and pressed, but I think you’re gonna want a new white shirt. The burrito stains don’t want to come out too good.”
“Could you bring them here for me?”
He just laughed at that. “Why? Everyone’s seen you naked. Why don’t you just come on up front and get them?” More laughter.
“Come on, Bob. I’m serious. I want to get out of here before Miss LuLu comes back. Can I take a shower at your place?”
“Sure. I’ll send someone back with your clothes.”
“Thanks.”
I sat up in bed and managed to eat one of the muffins Miss LuLu had left. Momentarily, someone knocked on the door, and I wrapped the bedsheet around me as I answered it. I was surprised to see Scott with my cleaned and pressed clothes.
“Oh, hi, Scott. I was expecting Lupe.”
Rather than hand them to me, he walked into the room and sat in the chair, putting the clothes on the bed. “Wow, Aaron, you were really plastered last night. Everyone was laughing so hard, we were afraid we would drop you. Good thing Dollie was here, or we might have. She was really concerned about you, wanted to call the doctor and all. But Bob convinced her that you were just drunk. You don’t hold your liquor very well, I must say.”
All I could do was mutter a thank you, wrap myself in the sheet, grab up my clothes, and wander into the bathroom. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to shower at Bob’s rather than have Miss LuLu see me like this again.”
“Well, you can’t put those clean clothes on your dirty body. Why don’t you shower first, then dress?”
“I can’t very well walk over to Bob’s apartment like this, can I?”
“Why not? It’s midday; no one’s around right now. Come on, I’ll walk you over there. No one’s at home at Bob’s anyway, so you’ll need my key. Let me call him and tell him we’re going on up.”
As he called Bob at the front desk, I gathered up my clothes, slipped my shoes on over my bare feet, and sat on the bed wrapped in the sheet.
“Let’s go,” Scott said as he opened the door for me.
I followed him into the bright sun, squinting in the blinding light. “I wish I had my sunglasses with me.”
“I bet you do. But sunglasses wouldn’t help much right now. When you’re hung over any light is too bright, trust me. Just close your eyes and hold on to me, if you like.”
“No, that’s all right. I’ll just stumble along somehow.”
We made it to Bob’s apartment, and to my surprise, fresh towels and soap were waiting for me in the bathroom. I suspected Lupe must have brought them.
I went into the bathroom, leaving my clothes on their bed. Showering revived me somewhat, and I was feeling a bit better as I went into the bedroom to put on my clothes. I was rubbing my wet hair with the towel as I entered the room, not realizing Scott had waited for me and was sitting on the chair in the bedroom. “Feel better?” he asked as I entered.
Startled by his voice, I looked up, and he was clearly enjoying my embarrassment as I tried vainly to cover my nakedness. “Oh, I thought you had left already. I guess I’ll get dressed in the bathroom.”
“Jeez, you are shy, aren’t you? What’ll you do when you go into the Army? You know, you have a really spectacular body, Aaron.”
“Who said I’m going into the Army? And so what if I am shy? And don’t worry about my body,” I said defensively.
*
“Granddad, he was making another pass at you.”
“You bet he was. That became a kind of running joke between us throughout the summer. He kept pestering me about having sex with him, and I kept refusing. He was basically harmless with me, but I never doubted that he would have been all over me like white on rice if given the chance.”
*
I went into the bathroom to change, even wearing my burrito-stained white shirt. Finally dressed, I entered the living room where Scott waited for me. “Let’s go get a bite to eat. Do you think you’re up to it?” Scott asked.
“Actually, I am kind of hungry,” I admitted. “But I don’t think I want any Chinese food. Maybe some nice oatmeal or something.”
“Let’s go next door, I’ll bet Dollie has some.” We went next door and entered Mrs. Schuster’s apartment without knocking. She was sitting at a desk, going over some receipts. She looked up and she smiled at me. “I’m glad to see you made a recovery from last night, Aaron. You were quite a mess, I must say.”
“Yes, ma’am, so I’ve been told. I really am sorry ab
out it all.”
“Oh, nonsense. You’re among friends. Whatcha need?” she asked me as we stood in the doorway.
“Dollie, do you have any oatmeal? I’m afraid that’s all Aaron feels up to at the moment.”
“Of course I do. Why don’t you sit on the couch, and I’ll get some for you.”
Moments later, I was devouring a bowl of oatmeal. By then, it was approaching three o’clock, so I excused myself to go down to the lobby to start to work.
“Oh my God, I forgot to call my roommate. He’s probably curious, wondering why I didn’t come home last night.”
“Don’t worry about it, Aaron. I called him and told him that you were going to stay the night here,” Mrs. Schuster said. “He was not too concerned about it, just relieved that I had called him.”
“Oh, thanks, Mrs. Schuster. Thanks again, and thanks for the oatmeal.”
Scott and I left together, walking toward the utility room. “Where’s the Mustang?” I asked.
“Hmm?” he said. “Oh, the one from New Mexico? I didn’t think you liked it much, so I didn’t buy it.”
“Yes, you did. I thought you said you bought it when we drove back the other night.”
“Well, I told him I would take it, and I’d send him cash if I liked it. But you didn’t seem too enthused about it, so I called him and told him to come get it.”
“You made him come for it? Wasn’t he mad about that?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. But if he wanted his car back, what choice did he have?”
“I guess. That just seems unethical to me, somehow.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Aaron. I was buying a car, not dealing dope to his kids. He’ll get over it. After all, I forfeited the hundred bucks I gave him as a deposit. He’s not suffering over it, believe me.”
I was still mulling that over as I entered the utility room to go to the lobby. Lupe laughed out loud as she saw me. “Aaron. You were muy borracho. Muy borracho.”
I turned different shades of red as I smiled weakly at her. “Yes, ma’am. Thanks for washing my clothes for me, I really appreciate it.”
“Sure, hijo, sure. No problem.”