Tallulah Bankhead Slept Here

by Sam Lollar

  I didn’t see Miss LuLu the rest of the day and got busy with routine bellboy duties. Around seven thirty, a huge black Cadillac Fleetwood drove under the portico, and out stepped a well-dressed gentleman, all alone.

  Chapter Seven

  The Graveyard Fleetwood

  The elderly gentleman entered the lobby and marched directly to the front desk where Bob and I were standing.

  “How much?” the man said.

  “How many are in your party?” Bob asked.

  “Just me. Two nights. How much?”

  Bob provided the rates for him, the gentleman paid cash for his room.

  “Got any booze around here?” he asked brusquely.

  “The Oriental Blossoms Restaurant sells bottles of wine for our guests. Will that be all right?”

  “Wine? I want some booze, not that shit. Where can I get some Southern Comfort? Is there a liquor store around here?”

  “Yes, there’s one a couple of blocks from here.”

  “You want to make a tip, lad?” he asked me. “Go on over there and get me a bottle of Southern Comfort.”

  “He’s underage, sir. The store is only three blocks north of here.”

  “Well, give me the goddamn key, and I’ll go get my own booze,” he grumbled.

  “Aaron, show Mr. Barker to his room, please.”

  “I can find it all right. Just show me where to park.”

  I held the door open for him as he left the lobby and walked him to his car to show where his room was and where to park.

  “Thanks, sport.”

  “What an unpleasant old guy,” I said to Bob as I reentered the lobby.

  “Yeah. He’s wanting something all right, but I don’t think it’s just booze.”

  Mrs. Schuster entered the lobby about a half hour later and asked, “Have they arrived yet?”

  “No, ma’am, not yet.”

  “Who?” I asked, realizing as soon as I did that it was really none of my business who she was waiting for. “Excuse me, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

  “Oh, Aaron, relax,” Bob said. “Dollie’s niece and her new husband are due in this evening. Scott went to pick them up at the airport earlier. I bet he’s driving them around, showing off for them.”

  “I think I’ll watch the front desk, Bob, if you want to take off for a while,” Mrs. Schuster said. “I’m really too excited to wait upstairs, anyway.”

  “Thanks, Dollie, I think I’ll do just that. If you need me, I’ll be upstairs…”

  “Yeah, yeah, ‘playing with your wife,’” I said.

  “Aaron!” Mrs. Schuster said, startled at my comment.

  “Whoops. I didn’t intend to say that out loud.”

  “Aaron, sometimes you amaze me,” Bob said with a chuckle as he left the lobby through the utility room.

  “So your niece is coming for a visit?” I asked Mrs. Schuster, trying to change the subject quickly.

  “Yes. She’s always been the prettiest girl I’ve ever known. Her mom and I grew up together. We’re not really related, but we were the best of friends. I always wished Scott and Mimi would marry, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” Sighing heavily, she smiled at me.

  “How long will they be here?”

  “Oh, just for a few days. They’re going to Hong Kong for their honeymoon.”

  “Hong Kong. Wow, I bet that’ll be exciting.”

  “I’m sure. Mitzy, Mimi’s mom, lived in Hong Kong for a while when she was married to the ambassador, and Mimi has always wanted to return there for a visit.”

  “She was married to an ambassador?” I asked, amazed at how important Mrs. Schuster’s friends seemed to be.

  “Yes, but they divorced after only a year or two. I was sorry that marriage didn’t last. She was married six times.”

  “I wonder why she didn’t stay married?”

  “Who knows? I guess she was just never satisfied. When we were kids, she always wanted more than what everyone else had, so I guess she always wanted more than one man could provide her. That’s one of the reasons Scott and I chose El Paso to move to. Mitzi had visited Juarez many times driving to and from Los Angeles, and told me she kind of liked it out here.”

  At about that time, Scott drove up in the black Lincoln, and out stepped Mimi and her new husband. Scott held the door open as they entered. Mrs. Schuster went around the desk and embraced Mimi.

  “Just let me look at you,” she said. “Still as pretty as ever.”

  “Aunt Dollie, you just saw me at the wedding last week. I couldn’t change too much, you know.”

  “Oh, I know it, darling. It’s just so good to see you here.” She began to weep a bit.

  “Aunt Dollie, I forbid you to cry. We’re here to have fun. Now you stop that this minute.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetie, but you are just so beautiful. Hi, Ron,” she said as she embraced Mimi’s husband. “You look beautiful, too.”

  “I thought we’d give them room 250,” Scott broke in. “It’s in the back, and it’s quiet.”

  “I kind of thought they might stay in my apartment,” Mrs. Schuster said.

  “Dollie, you know you hate anyone making noise when you’re trying to sleep,” Scott said.

  “Now you two, stop arguing. Aunt Dollie, why don’t we take a separate room? That way Ron and I won’t disturb you, if you know what I mean, wink wink. Ha. I know how difficult it is for you to sleep. And that’s the end of it. Scott, let’s go to our room. I don’t know about Ron, but I could use a shower after that long flight.”

  “You’re right, Mimi,” Ron said. “I’m ready for a shower as well. Then I want to go to Juarez and see some of this spectacular nightlife Scott’s been telling us about. Aunt Dollie, why don’t you come on back with us and we can talk while Mimi and I get ready? You are coming to Juarez with us, aren’t you?”

  As they exited through the utility room, their conversation continued. I guess no one realized they had left the front desk unattended. After a few minutes, I figured no one was going to be coming back, so I phoned Bob’s apartment to tell him he better come back down. He appeared a few moments later.

  “I guess they got involved strolling down memory lane and forgot about business?” Bob offered as he entered the lobby.

  “Yeah, I didn’t want to bother them. Mrs. Schuster looked so happy to be with her niece and all. And I really don’t think I wanted to work by myself with Scott tonight.”

  “He’s going out with them anyway. Looks like it’s just you and me, kid. Did that old guy in the Caddy ever go out for his hooch?”

  “I haven’t seen his car leave this way. Maybe he went out the back way.”

  “Watch him. You’ll be able to make some good tips with that old fart.”

  “How?”

  “He’s gonna want something later, just you wait.”

  The evening was really quiet, with very few guests coming in. I guess no one wanted to come into town because the horses weren’t running this weekend. About nine o’clock, Scott, Mrs. Schuster, and her niece and her husband came into the lobby all dressed up and ready to go out on the town. “We probably won’t be out long, Bob. I think Mimi is pretty pooped, but they want to see Mexico, so off we go,” Mrs. Schuster said as she picked up some stuff from her office. “I’d say we should be back by midnight or so.”

  “Yes, ma’am. No problem. Have a good time,” Bob said.

  The rest of the evening was rather uneventful, so I told Bob I was going to wander around the motel to make sure no one was trying to walk off with the furniture again. Some weeks before, we’d found one of the rooms in the back of the motel stripped to the bare walls. Since then, periodically I would walk around to keep an eye on things.

  As I got around the back, I sneaked up the stairs so Miss Lulu wouldn’t see me. As I got to 250, where Mrs. Schuster’s niece was staying, I realized it was next door to the room I caught Scott masturbating in. Curious, I went to the room next door and used Bob’s pass key to get inside.
/>   I looked about, and in the darkness, I noticed a spot of light on the wall where I remembered Scott standing. I stepped over to it and realized it was a hole. And as I put my eye to it, I could see into the room next door. Scott had been spying on someone. I stood back from the wall, aghast at my realization, and glanced around to see if I could find any more spy holes. Sure enough, one peeked into the bathroom. I could see the toilet and also into the shower stall. My God, Scott spied on the guests in room 250. I was horrified that he would be spying on his own cousin, even if they weren’t real cousins.

  *

  “My God. He was spying on people? That’s just sick,” Three interjected.

  “Oh, it gets better, just wait,” I promised.

  *

  Getting really curious, when I got back to the lobby I tried to find who had been in the room the other day when I caught Scott masturbating. Looking through that earlier day’s receipts, I found out Barnie and Wilma Lockerbie had spent their honeymoon night there. Of course. Mimi and Ron were on their honeymoon as well. Before I aroused suspicion, I put the box of receipts back and wandered into the lobby, where Bob was watching something on Mrs. Schuster’s little television she kept under the desk.

  “Any furniture missing?”

  “Um, no, not that I found,” I mumbled, unsure whether to rat on Scott or keep it to myself.

  “You know, I’ve been thinking about this,” Bob said. “From now on, when you come in at three, why don’t you make an effort to check every room to see that no one’s stolen anything. We’ve lost three or four TVs over the last couple of months. We’re going to have to anchor them to the TV stand or chain them to the wall or something. And then we had that customer who stole every stick of furniture in the room, even down to those horrible velvet paintings on the wall. Most of the rooms are empty at that time, anyway. Lupe and the girls keep the curtains open, so all you’ll have to do is look inside. Hang on to that pass key, I’ll get another for myself.”

  “What if the curtains are drawn?”

  “Well, I don’t know. Why don’t you knock? If anyone’s inside, they’ll answer the door, and if no one’s home, just open the door and stick your head in. You could probably tell quickly if anything’s missing.”

  “Okay, that shouldn’t be a problem then.”

  “Of course, you’ll never be able to check Scott’s room,” Bob said with a chuckle.

  “Why not?”

  “Because he changed the locks. None of our keys opens his door. Really, I’m curious as hell to know what he’s got in there. Has he gotten you inside yet?”

  “No. He’s asked me to come inside with him once or twice, but I never did. You make it sound like he’s got something to hide in there.”

  “That’s what I don’t know. It’s just that he’s so secretive is all. He probably has porno lying around. He won’t even let Lupe get inside to clean. Imagine Scott scrubbing his own toilet,” Bob said, laughing at the image.

  “Wow. If he’s willing to do that, he must really have something to hide.”

  After an uneventful evening, I was pleased to be able to go home and sleep in my own bed. I had not seen Miss LuLu all evening and wondered where she had gone, but I wasn’t curious enough to find out. I drove home through the late night streets mulling over the events of the day: being drunk and naked in a strange woman’s motel room and finding out Scott was spying on the guests. I was glad to get back home to a more or less normal household.

  The next afternoon when I came in, as Bob had suggested, I went to explore the motel, looking for any equipment that might be missing. As I was leaving the lobby, Scott, who was behind the desk, asked me where I was going.

  “Oh, Bob suggested that I check all the rooms for missing TVs and stuff,” I said as I headed for the door.

  “Well, don’t go bothering my room or the honeymoon suite,” he admonished me.

  “I can’t get in your room, remember? And I didn’t know we had a honeymoon suite.”

  “Sure we do. You know, we put Mimi and Ron in there last night. It’s room 250.”

  “Oh, yeah. I suppose. But why is it called the honeymoon suite?”

  “It’s larger than the other rooms, didn’t you know that? It’s at the end of the building, so it’s about eight feet longer than the other rooms because it hangs over the downstairs walkway. You ought to go in there sometime when it’s empty. We have it fixed up pretty nice, really.”

  “Well, I won’t bother them, then. I don’t think Mrs. Schuster’s favorite niece is going to steal her TV set anyway,” I said as I was about to leave. “By the way, how was Juarez last night?”

  “We didn’t stay very long. Dollie’s such a drag. We couldn’t get a parking place near the nightclub I wanted to go to, so we had to walk about six blocks. Dollie pooped out because she’s so fat, and we practically had to carry her into the club. Ron didn’t want to dance, so Mimi and I ended up dancing. The walking hurt Dollie’s feet, so she wanted to come back after about an hour there. We’re going to go out again tonight, though, and Dollie’s not going with us.”

  “That doesn’t seem very nice.”

  “Oh, it’s okay. She doesn’t want to go anyway. Last night was just for show, really. She’s perfectly happy letting us go out without her. You know, you ought to come with us tonight.”

  “Me?”

  “Sure. There’s no legal drinking age. We could have some fun. Think about it. We could even ask your date to come, too.”

  “My date?”

  “Yeah, Miss LuLu.” He rolled with laughter at that.

  Grumbling obscenities, I left the lobby and went on my rounds of the motel.

  I was watching TV behind the desk around six when Scott came in the back way. “What’s cookin’?”

  “Nothing, really. It’s pretty dead right now.”

  “We’re going to eat in tonight, so why don’t you join us in about a half hour?”

  “Where?”

  “Next door. At the Oriental Blossoms.”

  “Is it all right, Bob?”

  “Sure, we’re not doing anything right now. If I need you, I’ll call over there. Go ahead.”

  “Okay, sure. That might be fun,” I said. I was excited and a bit apprehensive for some reason.

  Scott left abruptly, and as I turned back to the TV show, the switchboard rang. Bob answered it. A moment later, he said, “That was Mr. Stanton, the undertaker in 130. He wants to see the bellman.” Laughing, he added, “Here it comes. Get ready to make some money.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, you’ll find out. Now, hurry up. We don’t want to keep him waiting.”

  I walked over to 130 and knocked on the door. Moments later, a rather drunk Mr. Stanton answered, dressed in a frowsy shirt and baggy pants. “Oh, it’s you. Tell you what kid, come on in here,” he said as he held the door open for me.

  He smelled of booze and cigarettes, which I didn’t think was too pleasant, but I went in, and he closed the door behind me. The room was one of our “red decor” rooms, so with the heavy curtains, it was really dark. The air conditioning blasted away in the background as Mr. Stanton turned to me.

  “I want a woman,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I want a woman.”

  “Uh, you want a woman?”

  “Yeah. You’re a bellman. You’ve got women you can call for me, don’t you?”

  “Well, I’ll have to go check on that for you,” I said stiffly, exiting as quickly as I could and going to the office. “Bob. You’ll never guess what he wanted.”

  “A woman?”

  “Yeah. How’d you know?”

  “I told you last night he was going to want something more than just booze, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah, that’s right. How’d you know he’d want a woman?”

  “Well, either he’d want a woman or he’d want a boy. I figured if you went over there, we’d find out really quick which one it was. You came ba
ck here, so I guessed he didn’t want a boy. Therefore, he must have wanted a woman. Simple, no?”

  My mind was spinning with his logic, when Mrs. Schuster, Scott, Mimi and Ron walked in through the utility room.

  “What’s going on?” Scott asked as they entered.

  “Our undertaker friend in 130 wants a little live company.”

  “Hoo boy,” Scott said. “I guess I’m going to make a run downtown then, huh?”

  “I guess,” Bob agreed. “Dollie, do you mind?”

  “Of course not. This should be fun. Mimi, I’ve got a job for you.”

  “What’s that, Aunt Dollie?”

  “I’m going to call, uh, what’s his name, Bob?”

  “Mr. Stanton.”

  “I’m going to call Mr. Stanton on the phone, and I’ll introduce you as one of our ‘girls.’ Actually, I make a pretty good madam, if I do say so myself. Not to worry. He won’t say anything nasty or offensive. I run a clean house here,” she said as everyone laughed.

  “Aaron, you’ll have to be the middleman. When he’s ready to pay for his ‘date,’ you’ll have to go get the money. There’s a ten-dollar tip in it for you.”

  “Wow. Let’s do it,” I said.

  “Bob, please get our customer on the phone. Mimi, pick up that extension over there, and I’ll use this desk phone. Places, everyone,” Mrs. Schuster said, laughing with glee. I watched the proceedings, gape-jawed with wonder.

  Bob rang the room, and I heard Mrs. Schuster begin. “Mr. Stanton? Hi, I’m Lola, the ‘madam’ of the house. I understand you want to visit with one of my girls?”

  As Mr. Stanton responded, she was holding her hand over the receiver, laughing uncontrollably. Mimi was watching, a bit petrified, I thought.

  “Yes, I have Cookie here with me now. Say hi to Mr. Stanton, Cookie,” Mrs. Schuster said, cueing Mimi to say something.

  In her best Mae West imitation, Mimi said, “Hi, Mr. Stanton, how are you tonight?”

  “Now, now, Mr. Stanton,” Mrs. Schuster cut in after a moment. “We run a respectable house here. None of that gutter talk to our girls, or you’ll be spending tonight alone. That’s better. We charge a hundred dollars an hour. I’ll send Cookie over…” She whispered to Scott, “How long?”