Tallulah Bankhead Slept Here

by Sam Lollar

  That sank in. For a while, I was bewildered and unable to decide what to do. Rick knocked on the door again. “Aaron, don’t make me yell through the door. Please open up. Let’s talk about this.”

  I went to the door, Miss LuLu stepping away and letting me have access to the doorway. “Rick, I don’t think I can deal with you right now. You have me so confused.”

  “Aaron, sweetheart, I know. That’s why I want to talk to you.”

  “Miss LuLu, what should I do?” I asked over my shoulder.

  “I can’t advise you, but if you would feel safer, you can talk in here. I’ll either stay here with you or go next door to Ruby’s room, whichever you prefer.”

  “Thanks, but I may as well face this. I’ll just go outside and talk there.”

  I walked briskly out of Miss LuLu’s room and went to the front of the building so everyone who was around could easily see us. I wasn’t going to allow him any surprises. “Okay, Rick, what do you want?”

  “I’ve missed you so much, Aaron. I want you, that’s what I want.”

  “What’s the matter? Run out of other boys to play with?”

  “Ouch. That hurts, Aaron. There’s a lot of guys out there. But none of them makes me feel like you do. I really want to start over with you.”

  He took hold of my arm as he talked. His strong hands were like magic to me. They made me feel all tingly inside.

  “Why don’t we go out tonight?” he asked. “Just the two of us. I know a romantic place in Juarez that is gay friendly. We could talk and hold hands and get reacquainted. Please say yes.”

  I could feel myself weakening as he looked longingly into my eyes.

  “I need you, Aaron.”

  I had no morning classes the next day and had my homework done, so I really had no reason not to go. “I’m working, Rick. I don’t get off till eleven.”

  “I bet they’d let you go if you asked them. Let’s go call Scott right now and see if he’d mind.”

  I was still extremely apprehensive about the prospect of spending an evening with Rick. I missed his touch and his kisses so much that I could have easily been talked into going to bed with him again, even though I didn’t think it was such a good idea. He continued to hold my arm, rubbing my triceps with the other hand. Then he began to rub my back. “Stop that, Rick.”

  But he didn’t. “Come on, Aaron, let’s go out tonight. Please don’t make me beg. By the way, I really like your beard. Why’d you decide to grow one?”

  The reason I grew it, of course, was because it reminded me of him. I apparently telegraphed this message to him.

  “Did you grow it because I have one?”

  I probably looked like my secret had been discovered. “No, no of course not. No, I just wanted one, that’s all.”

  “It’s awfully sexy, Aaron. I like men with beards, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Well, I have a beard, Aaron. Don’t you like me?”

  “Oh, shit, Rick. Of course I like you, that’s why I can’t deal with you.”

  “That’s the whole point of going out tonight, Aaron. So we can talk things through. I want you to be a part of my life, babe. I’m having a hard time picturing my life without you.”

  “Don’t call me babe.” But his comment brought me up short. This was sounding like an invitation to a permanent relationship. I kept hearing Bob and Scott’s admonitions that I was too young to get involved too deeply, that Rick was always on the lookout for fresh meat. Miss LuLu had advised me to forget about him. I was looking forward to the trip to L.A. as a way to finally put him out of my mind.

  “Okay, I’ll go with you tonight,” I said, disappointed in myself.

  He grinned widely, and without regard to who might see us, hugged me and kissed me full on the lips. “Till tonight then.”

  “Wait a minute. What time tonight?”

  “Seven. Will that give you enough time to get ready? Tell Scott to go fuck himself if he doesn’t want to let you go tonight.”

  I did call Scott, who was less than enthused about my going out with Rick. “I don’t like this, Aaron. Remember it was only a few weeks ago you said he made you feel cheap and used. Has any of that changed?”

  “No, of course not. I just want him so bad that I can’t think straight. I know I shouldn’t see him again. But I want to in the craziest way. Oh, Scott, what should I do?”

  “What you should do is not see him. But what you will do is to see him, of course, so I may as well tell you to go ahead. But don’t come crying to me when he dumps you again.”

  That evening Rick came to get me. I didn’t want to be forced to go to his house, which could have happened if he drove to Mexico, so I insisted on taking both the Mercedes and his GTO. We parked at the bridge and walked over to the restaurant he had mentioned. The food was less than thrilling, as I remember, but it was gay friendly. In fact, very few men and women were sitting together. Mostly it was two or three men at one table, and two or three women at another. So we fit right in. I must say I felt pretty special when all the men’s eyes turned our way as we entered. We must have made a really attractive couple.

  After we had ordered and made the obligatory small talk, Rick leaned forward across the table and took my hand in his. “Aaron, I don’t want to go on without you.”

  “Oh, sure,” I said tartly.

  “I’m serious. I think about you all day and dream about you all night. I can’t get you out of my head.”

  “I think all you’re really interested in is some easy sex, and you know that I won’t refuse you. Or at least you think I won’t.”

  “That’s not fair, Aaron. I do not think of you as just a fuckbag. I’m crazy about you. Why is it so hard to believe I could actually be fond of you personally and not just your body?”

  “Because of what Scott’s told me and what you yourself have told me. You are always on the lookout for fresh meat. I’m yesterday’s news, Rick. Why do you want me?”

  “Because I love you, Aaron, that’s why.”

  That stopped me for a moment. “Why are you saying this to me, Rick? I can never believe you. You tell me we shouldn’t be seeing each other one week, and the next you’re telling me you love me. Do you even know what love means?”

  “Don’t get snappy, Aaron. Of course I know what love means. I’ve never told anyone I loved him before. That’s the only way I can explain these feelings I have for you. Look into my eyes, Aaron. Do you see lies or subterfuge there? When I say I love you, I’m completely sincere. Please believe me.”

  “Hmm, maybe you really do think you love me. But I also doubt that you’re serious. I think it’s your hormones telling you you’re in love, and not your heart.”

  “You can be so callous. Can’t you just accept the idea that someone could be in love with you?”

  “No, I guess I can’t. At least not you.”

  “That’s simply not fair. Maybe if you came over to my place tonight, I could prove how much I love you. I’d be so happy if you moved in with me. We could have a spectacular life together.”

  “And what happens when I’m no longer eighteen? What happens when I’m twenty-eight or thirty-eight? You wouldn’t want an old fart like that. It’s the teenagers that turn you on.”

  “No. How dare you say such a thing. You have no idea what turns me on. It’s only coincidence that you’re eighteen. In fact, I didn’t even know you were eighteen until we’d been seeing each other for a few weeks. I thought you were at least twenty-one. After all, you got served in the bar that first night. But I would have fallen for you no matter what your age. It’s not just your physical beauty I crave, it’s your mind, the quickness of it, the way you can see humor in anything, any situation.”

  “Not any,” I corrected him. “I have seen no humor in what’s gone on between us.”

  “But we can change that. Give me a chance, Aaron. The reason I broke up with you in the first place was because I was frightened. Frightened I was falling in love
with you. But I’ve conquered that fear and accepted it as fact. No need to worry anymore about falling in love, because I already have. I love you, Aaron. And whether you believe that or not, it’s the truth. Please spend the night with me. Let’s get to know each other again. We can share the hot tub and the nighttime swims, sitting on the patio at the end of the day together…sleeping together. Aaron, I can’t change the way I feel about you. Whether you love me or not, I do love you.”

  “I’ll make a deal with you, Rick. I’m going to L.A. with Scott and the others in a couple of weeks. We’ll be gone for two weeks. Let’s have this conversation again when I get back. If you still feel this way, I’ll be inclined to believe you.”

  “Can’t I see you before you go?”

  “Sure, why not? I could use a good fuck as much as you. You want to come to my room? It would be faster.”

  To my surprise, he began to cry. Tears flowed into his beard, and he looked into my eyes. “I can’t begin to tell you how much that hurts, Aaron. I don’t just want sex. If we never had sex again, I still couldn’t change my love for you.” He continued to cry as I looked at him, stunned into silence. I wanted him so bad, it scared me. What should I do? “Okay, Rick, let’s spend the night together. Let’s go get the cars.”

  We paid the bill and walked back to the parking lot. We searched for the Mercedes for almost an hour but could not find it. We finally admitted it had been stolen. And we knew someone took it to Mexico. Whoever stole it could sell it for a bundle in the interior. Resigning ourselves to the inevitable, we called the police. It took a long time for them to arrive, but finally around eleven, we had finished with the cops and were in the GTO heading back to the motel.

  With all the excitement of losing the car, Rick and I didn’t spend the night together, which I was both relieved and disappointed about. We woke Scott and told him about the car. “Are you sure? This is the second Mercedes that I’ve lost, guys. This is getting to be a habit.”

  “Well, Scott, technically at least, it’s my car that’s been stolen.”

  “Yes, of course, you’re right. But the insurance policy is in my name. I’ll call them first thing in the morning.”

  “Thanks for not being angry, Scott,” I said.

  “There’s no reason to be angry. Not with you two, anyway. You didn’t steal the car. And it is insured, after all.”

  I was exhausted, so Rick and I walked back to his GTO. He was still coaxing me to come with him, but I refused, saying I was too upset about everything. “I’ll call you tomorrow then, Aaron,” he said as he drove off into the night.

  I decided to go for a walk. I guess I wasn’t really exhausted, just didn’t want to be with anyone at that moment, especially Rick. I walked the perimeter of the motel a few times, enjoying the night air. I loved to watch the bats swooping down on insects that flew around the outside lights. The blueness of the swimming pool beckoned me. On the spur of the moment, I went to the pool, fully aware that it closed at ten, and stripped down to my undershorts. I jumped in the water and floated on my back in the enveloping warmth for the longest time. After a bit I glanced up and noticed Scott was standing at the edge of the pool, watching me.

  “I thought you were going with Rick.”

  “No, I told him I was too exhausted and upset about the car.”

  “I am sorry about the car. You look awfully contented in there. Mind if I join you?”

  “It’s your pool; come on in,” I responded.

  He joined me in the pool, and we floated on our backs, looking up into the night sky, the air so clear I felt like I could see every star in the universe.

  “Did you ever wish you were living on a different planet?” he asked after a few minute’s silence.

  “No, I don’t suppose I ever did. Several years ago I read Edgar Rice Burroughs’s novels about life on Mars. It seemed so different and unpleasant I didn’t think I would want to go to another planet.”

  “I don’t know, it seems like we should have a Planet of the Homosexuals or something. A place where we could be ourselves and not have to hide or fear the police.”

  “The police?”

  “Yes. Don’t you know? The police frequently raid gay bars and arrest any man touching another man. You can’t even dance with a man because the police can arrest you. Then your name appears in the paper, and you are publicly shamed. Men lose their jobs and their homes because of that. And then there’s the queer-bashers.”

  “That doesn’t sound too good, Scott. What are they?”

  “They are the lowest scum on earth. Three or four guys, generally drunk, will gang up on one man leaving a gay bar and beat him up. Sometimes they kill someone, and the police don’t even bother trying to find the culprits. They say the queer was probably coming on to the guy and deserved what he got.”

  I was quiet for quite a while, mulling over this unknown bit of frightening news. “Do you mean I could have been arrested that night that I met Rick? We were kissing and he had his hands all over me that night.”

  “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Remember I told you two to be careful? Rick was really doing a dangerous thing with you.”

  I was suddenly furious about Rick’s actions that night. He didn’t care a thing about me then. I was just a set of holes for him to plug. After another half hour, Scott and I exited the pool and went to our separate rooms.

  When I got in my room, I noticed the red message light flashing on the phone. I dialed the desk, which was answered by Larinda. She said, “Rick called and was upset that he couldn’t find you at your room. He said to call him back regardless of the time.”

  I dialed Rick’s place, still upset about the revelation from Scott. Rick picked up on the first ring.

  “Aaron, where have you been? I thought you were going straight to your room. When you didn’t answer, I got worried.”

  “You needn’t check up on me, Rick. I was in the pool with Scott.”

  “With Scott? What were you two doing?”

  “How is that any of your business, Rick?”

  “Whoa, Aaron. I’m not checking up on you or anything like that. I was just worried, that’s all.”

  “No, I don’t think that’s all. Whenever I’m not around to take your phone calls, you always start out by asking where I was. You make me feel like I have to check in with you whenever I want to go anywhere. I don’t like that, Rick.”

  “What brought this on? Earlier tonight you were set to come to my place, and now you’re snapping at me for no reason.”

  “Actually, there is a reason, Rick. You remember the first night we met at your bar?”

  “Yes, of course I do. I remember everything about it.”

  “Well, good. Scott just told me we could have been arrested if the police had seen us. Why didn’t you just talk to me? I could have been destroyed by you, a total stranger.”

  “To tell you the truth, I was so taken by you that my common sense went out the window. All I could think of was how much I wanted to kiss you. I apologize if I’ve upset you. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. I can’t take back my kisses. And remember, I would have been arrested, too.”

  “Oh, I know it, Rick. I just never realized the major problems that being homosexual can cause. I’ve always known I had to keep it a secret from others. But to actually get arrested or beat up just because of who I am is terribly frightening.”

  “I agree with you, sweetheart. But I think times will change, and in the not-too-distant future.”

  “I sure hope you’re right.”

  “I’m sure of it. Now, when can I see you again?”

  “Let’s wait until after I get back from California.”

  “Shit, Aaron. You’re toying with me, making me beg. No one likes a cocktease, you know. First you say you want to go to bed with me, and now you don’t even want to see me. This just isn’t fair.”

  “I didn’t realize I was doing that. I’m just ambivalent about my feelings for you.”

  �
��It sounds like you’re pretty clear on them. You don’t want to see me for four weeks. That speaks volumes.”

  “I’m sorry, Rick. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to see you in the worst way, but I guess I don’t trust myself right now. It would only take the slightest word from you to make me move in with you, and I think that would be a terrible idea.”

  “I think it would be wonderful. And I’m hurt you think it’s a bad idea. Why can’t you let go of everything and follow your heart?”

  “That’s what I’m most afraid of, Rick. If I followed my heart, I’d be there with you right now. And I’m really scared of doing that. Did I ever tell you about my friend who came out to me last spring?”

  “Yeah, I remember you saying he was the first openly homosexual person you ever knew.”

  “Well, actually, I guess that’s not strictly true, is it? I mean, I’ve actually known I was different since elementary school. Anyway, the point I was making is that in the last seven or eight months, he’s been passed around from man to man like a hot potato. One man will promise to honor him forever, then he’ll drop him. Another man will make the same promise, only to dump him a few weeks later. I’m terrified of going through that same process.”

  “You have learned from his mistakes, though. There’s a difference between jumping in the lake without knowing how deep the water is compared to jumping in knowing the water’s depth. You know what to expect. But I’m not going to hurt you, and I’m not going to dump you.”

  “Rick, I’ve come from a very mixed-up family. My parents were always threatening to take away their love if I didn’t do as they said. I guess that’s made me very wary of anyone who offers love. I’m always wondering what the catch is.”

  “That’s just the thing, sweetheart. There is no catch. I certainly can’t promise you eternal bliss, but I can promise you my heart. That’s all I’ve got to give.”

  “Oh, Rick, you say the exact right things. I can’t even hate you very convincingly. I want so much to believe you. But I’m scared. Please don’t push. I don’t mean to be a cocktease. I’m just really unsure of what to do. Despite all my reluctance to be with you, I hope you know you are constantly in my thoughts, and I want to be with you really bad. I just don’t know what to do.”