by Adam Cece
‘You don’t suppose it’s anything too serious, do you?’ Tobias said as they ran.
‘I don’t know,’ Kipp replied as best he could, while running as fast as he could. ‘I don’t want to spend time discussing it. I just want to find out what it is as soon as possible.’
‘Wait a minute,’ yelled Cymphany, sliding to a stop as though she’d just run into in a large puddle of glue.
Kipp and Tobias screeched to a stop too. ‘What?’ they said in urgent unison.
Cymphany shrugged. ‘I forgot to tell Mr Haurik that Roseau is the capital of Dominica, an island in the Caribbean, which I thought Mr Haurik might be interested in, seeing as there used to be a lot of pirates in the Caribbean.’
Tobias frowned. ‘What is it with you and capital cities, Cymphany?’ You wrote that capital city sentence on the whiteboard, didn’t you?’
Cymphany shrugged. ‘I just like them, that’s all.’
Tobias looked confused. ‘You like capital cities?’
Kipp, on the other hand, had no time for confusion. He had already started running again, realising that right now talk of capital cities was far less important than getting home.
‘You’re weird, Cym,’ said Tobias, and he ran off after Kipp.
Cymphany looked quite pleased with herself, as if she wanted nothing more than to be at least a little bit weird, which of course she did.
And then she ran off after her friends.
Despite his name, Tobias Treachery was one of the most loyal friends anyone could ever have. This could not be said for the rest of the Treachery family, who lived their lives, as their family name would suggest, as dishonestly and disloyally as humanly possible.
So widespread was the Treachery family’s treachery that there was not one person in all of Huggabie Falls who had not been a victim of a treacherous Treachery family act. This had earned the Treachery family a reputation as the most disliked family in all of Huggabie Falls. So it was no surprise that the Treacherys had to barricade the doors and windows of their house with planks of wood to keep the endless stream of revenge-seekers out.
All of this meant that Tobias had a mild vitamin D deficiency from the lack of sunlight finding its way into his house, and he didn’t have many friends at school, or, to be more accurate, it meant he didn’t have any friends at school. Until Kipp Kindle moved to Huggabie Falls. Kipp’s family was the weirdest family ever, and so he didn’t have any friends at school either, so Tobias and Kipp had that in common. Before long they became best of friends and, subsequently, Tobias spent a lot of time at the Kindles’ house. Tobias really liked the Kindles’ house, especially the fact that it had no wooden boards over the windows, which meant the rooms were always full of sunlight, and the indoor plants didn’t die all the time.
Tobias spent so much time at the Kindles’ house that you could say it had become his second home. In fact, he spent so much time you could say it had become his second, third, fourth and fifth homes.
It was due to the fact that Tobias considered himself an honorary Kindle that Mr Haurik’s ominous warning that something terrible was happening to the Kindles created a rising ball of panic in Tobias’s stomach, which spurred him to run faster than he ever knew he could.
However, when Tobias, Kipp and Cymphany arrived at 1778 Digmont Drive, the home of the Kindles, Kipp held up his hand to stop his friends.
‘I have to go in alone,’ Kipp said. ‘And face whatever horror lies within—it’s my house, after all. You and Cymphany needn’t also be subjected to it.’ For all Kipp knew, the great horror might be dangerous. People don’t often talk of great horrors when they are describing gentle and completely non-dangerous things.
Tobias and Cymphany were quite upset by Kipp’s order. Cymphany, like Tobias, had spent so much time at the Kindles’ house that it was like a second home to her, too. When Cymphany had first moved to town she didn’t have any friends, due to the fact that her family was the most normal family in all of Huggabie Falls. It was ironic that Cymphany was an outcast due to her family being so normal, while Kipp was an outcast because his family was so weird. But Cymphany was lucky to become an outcast, because she became friends with Kipp and Tobias as a result, and in them she found a couple of loyal and wonderful companions.
So Cymphany was just as worried about Kipp’s family as Tobias was, and only after a period of whining, did she and Tobias reluctantly agree to wait outside. They plonked themselves down on the footpath while Kipp prepared to face the unknown situation inside his house, alone.
With a gulp of courage Kipp approached the front door, the words of Mr Haurik still echoing in his mind—th’ great horror that awaits ye there.
Now, as the storyteller, I should warn you that what Kipp is about to see when he enters his house is unbelievably scary, and anyone reading this who suffers from either a nervous disorder or a heart condition should put this book down immediately. I cannot take any responsibility for any insane fright suffered, or subsequent emotional trauma endured, if you, the reader, make the conscious decision to keep on reading at this point.
Wait a minute, what am I saying? I seem to be a little confused, because this book is The Extremely Weird Thing that Happened in Huggabie Falls, not The Unbelievably Scary Thing that Happened in Huggabie Falls. An unbelievably scary thing did happen in Huggabie Falls once, but I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to write a book about that. How silly of me. It must have been Mr Haurik’s exaggerated talk of a great horror. What Kipp was about to see was not unbelievably scary, at least not to you and me, so I must apologise, and you can feel free to read on at your leisure.
Kipp opened his front door.
‘Shocked’ is not nearly strong enough a word to describe what Kipp felt when he saw his home. It’s akin to using the word ‘minor’ to describe a head-on collision between a truck carrying a load of dynamite and a truck carrying a load of matches. But there really is no single word that adequately describes the complete and utter amazement and disbelief that a person feels when they look upon an incomprehensibly weird scene, so ‘shocked’ will have to do for now.
Kipp’s father sat, legs crossed, in his big brown leather armchair, with a copy of the Huggabie Falls Gazette open in front of him. As the door shut, he said, ‘Kipp, my boy, how was school today?’ He looked his son up and down, and his moustache twitched. ‘Good lord, you look out of breath, and you’re wet! You look as though you’ve been soaked in hot-tub spa water and is that’—he sniffed the air—‘the smell of marinated bats’ tongues?’
Despite Kipp’s shock, he had to be impressed by his father’s astounding olfactory accuracy.
‘What have you been up to?’ Mr Kindle asked, as if to say, I can’t imagine any activity that would involve you smothering yourself in marinated bats’ tongues and then climbing into a spa, fully-clothed.
But Kipp didn’t respond to his father’s question. He was too busy staring, mouth agape. In the background, his younger sister Kaedy sat crossed-legged on the lounge-room floor, watching cartoons.
‘I know,’ Kaedy said, without taking her eyes off the television. ‘They’re normal. It’s weird. Get over it.’
Kipp’s mother strolled into the room, holding wet-clay-covered hands out in front of her. The sound of a pottery wheel winding down could be heard coming from the other room—it may not surprise you to learn that Mrs Kindle had recently started attending pottery classes.
‘I thought I heard the door. Hello, dear.’ She stopped and wiped her hands down her apron, upon which were the words ‘Kiss the Cook’, although it would have been more appropriate if the words upon it were ‘Kiss the Potter’. As she wiped her hands, one eyebrow went up at Kipp. ‘Why do you smell of marinated bats’ tongues?’
‘I’ve already asked him that,’ said Kipp’s father. ‘And he just stands there staring at me like a fish. He hasn’t even blinked yet. A fly just flew into his mouth and he didn’t even notice.’
Kipp’s parents continued to stare
at him, and Kipp continued to stare at them. It took him a full minute before he could even speak, he was so shocked, although we have already established that he was far more than shocked, but I still haven’t thought of a better word so we’ll just have to stick with shocked.
When Kipp finally found himself able to speak, all he could think to say was, ‘What’s happened to you? You’re both so, so…’
Then it suddenly sank in. It was something Kipp had always yearned for, but now that it had unexpectedly happened it was not at all like he had imagined.
‘…normal.’
Kipp’s parents glanced at each other.
‘Yes.’ His mother smiled. ‘It’s awfully strange, isn’t it? But what about you? You’re acting very strangely, dear. Very…what’s the word?’
‘Weird?’ suggested Kaedy.
‘Yes.’ Kipp’s mother nodded. ‘That’s it, weird.’
Weird? Weird? Kipp could hardly believe the words coming out of his mother’s mouth. His mother, one of the weirdest people in all of Huggabie Falls, second in weirdness only to his father, was calling him weird.
‘Speaking of weird,’ said Kipp’s mother, as if she’d just remembered something. ‘A letter came for you today from your friend, Cymphany.’ Kipp’s mother pulled a piece of paper out of the front pocket of her apron. ‘It’s a letter that simply reads, “The capital of Brazil is Brasilia.”’ Kipp’s mother looked up. ‘What do you suppose that means? Brasilia? It’s a bit odd for Cymphany to send a letter like that, isn’t it? She used to be such a normal girl.’
‘She’s a looney,’ Kaedy chimed in, still butting into the conversation without ever taking her eyes off the television screen.
Kipp didn’t have time to wonder why Cymphany was obsessed all of a sudden with capital cities. Kipp was about to explode. He couldn’t believe what his eyes and ears were telling him: his parents were normal. Kaedy may have been okay with it, because all she cared about was watching cartoons, but it was too much for Kipp and he ran screaming from the house.
Cymphany and Tobias, who were waiting on the footpath, heard Kipp screaming as he bolted down the driveway. They jumped up just before Kipp ran them over.
‘What happened?’ Cymphany’s face was flooded with concern. ‘Was it as horrible as Mr Haurik described?’
Kipp took a moment to catch his breath. ‘Worse.’
‘No,’ said Tobias. He looked sick.
‘They’re normal!’ Kipp said. ‘My parents are completely normal.’
Cymphany and Tobias looked at each other, puzzled. ‘So,’ said Tobias, slowly. ‘To clarify, everything’s okay, then?’ Tobias said it not so much as a question but more as a statement, as if to say, maybe they could just forget all this talk of an extremely weird thing now and concentrate on enjoying the rest of this sunny day.
‘You don’t get it,’ said Kipp. ‘They’re n-o-r-m-a-l.’
‘You mean—’ said Cymphany.
‘Yes.’ Kipp nodded. ‘Completely.’
‘You mean they’re not—’ Cymphany started to say.
‘No,’ said Kipp.
It took a few seconds for this extraordinary information to sink in, and all three confused children said nothing for a short while.
Then Cymphany shook her head. ‘But what does all this mean?’
‘I don’t know, but I will bet you it has something to do with this card,’ said Tobias, holding up the card to which he was referring. ‘I found it in your letterbox, Kipp.’
‘I wondered what you were doing over there,’ said Cymphany.
They all huddled around the small business card that Tobias held. The card read:
Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency
PROPRIETOR: FELONIOUS DARK
123 Digmont Drive, Huggabie Falls
I find weirdness and I remove it.
Free, no obligation quotes.
‘Well,’ said Kipp, as if to say, that is a rather conveniently placed clue, isn’t it.
Now, you, as the reader, may suspect that I, as the writer, planted that business card in the Kindles’ letterbox, just to keep this story moving along. But I didn’t, I promise. I would never resort to such a despicable act of interference. Besides, I am not in the book so there is no way I could have planted it. I’ll admit it is an amazing coincidence that it was there, in Kipp’s letterbox, but I can hardly help that—coincidences happen, don’t they? I am not the god of coincidences, I can’t control them, so just leave me alone.
If we are quite finished with this business of god-of-coincidences accusations flying about, how about we get back on with the story?
Yes, good idea. I agree.
When Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany finished reading the card, Kipp said, ‘It sounds like Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency could definitely have been responsible for my parents turning normal all of a sudden. I mean look at this man’s name for starters. Felonious Dark! Have you ever heard of a first name and a surname that don’t begin with the same letter? That’s very unusually weird.’
Sorry to interrupt again, but I just wanted to point out that if you, the reader, are the observant type then you will have already noticed that Mr Felonious Dark is the first character to appear in this book whose first name and surname don’t begin with the same letter. If you haven’t noticed this, well, I’m sorry to say you might not be the observant type, or you might sometimes be the observant type but were just a little bit out of form as you sailed through the first two and a half chapters of this book, blissfully unaware that you missed this fact, and probably many others. Or you might have noticed it, but put it down to an amazing coincidence, and although there are many amazing coincidences in Huggabie Falls—such as the business card in the letterbox—this is not one of them.
One of the many weird things about Huggabie Falls is that everyone who lives there has a first name and a surname beginning with the same letter. So the fact that Mr Felonious Dark’s first name and second name started with different letters instantly makes him a highly suspicious character indeed.
This matching first name and surname thing is just another one of the many weird things about Huggabie Falls. If someone were so inclined, someone could write a whole book about how Huggabie Falls got to be so weird and how the many weird things came to be, and, now that I think about it, I very much intend to do that myself one day, but first I must finish this book, mustn’t I.
Now, I seem to have become sidetracked again. Where was I?
Oh, that’s right, I remember now.
As Kipp, Cymphany and Tobias discussed the unusually named Felonious Dark, and his weirdness investigation and eradication agency, Kipp’s mum appeared on the front porch and sang out, ‘Kipp, dear, come inside for dinner. No more playing with your friends now. I’ve made lasagne.’
It was now Tobias and Cymphany’s turn to be shocked—I say ‘shocked’, of course, because I still haven’t thought of a better word for their utter disbelief and amazement—at what they saw.
‘First thing tomorrow we are going down to that weirdness investigation and eradication agency to demand some answers,’ said Kipp. Cymphany and Tobias nodded in dumbfounded agreement. They couldn’t take their astonished eyes off Mrs Kindle. They’d never seen her like this before.
‘Look at her just standing there saying she’s made lasagne for tea,’ Kipp said, as if it was the most absurd thing ever, as if his mum had just come out and proclaimed she had built a rocket and was flying to Mars that evening.
‘I know,’ said Tobias. ‘This is all just too weird, even for Huggabie Falls.’
For as long as Cymphany Chan could remember, her family had been the least weird family in all of Huggabie Falls.
Cymphany’s father had only one weirdness, which was that he always stood slightly on a lean, as if he were attempting to impersonate the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Now, an askew stance is weird, that is undeniable, but it is such a minor weirdness that I wonder if it should really be clas
sified as a weirdness at all.
Next, there was Cymphany’s mother, who also had a weirdness about her that was sort of weird, in the way that vegetables with tomato sauce are sort of tasty. Cymphany’s mother could read a whole novel in fifteen minutes, which was not so much a weirdness as something she had learnt to do in a twelve-week speed-reading course. Again, I wonder if this should be classified as a weirdness at all.
Last but not least, there was Cymphany’s brother, Clark. Clark’s weirdness, on the other hand, was weird: he could do backflips. Not so unusual, I hear you say—many people can do backflips. But Clark had been able to do them since he was one and a half hours old.
At the time of Clark’s birth it was considered extremely weird. A picture of Clark doing backflips in his cot had even appeared on the front page of the Huggabie Falls Gazette, whose pages were only ever filled with stories and pictures of Huggabie Falls’ weirdest people and places. It was a source of great pride for Cymphany’s parents, who were highly disappointed by Cymphany’s normalness. About the only weird thing about Cymphany was that she was afraid of heights, and even that was one of the most common, most unweird, things to be scared of.
Unfortunately, Clark never did display any further signs of weirdness. He’d moved away to college, and now, because the picture in the Huggabie Falls Gazette had started a babybackflipping craze, many Huggabie Falls parents taught their babies to perform backflips before teaching them to crawl.
It didn’t help, either, that Cymphany’s family lived on a street that was home to some of Huggabie Falls’ weirdest families. There were the Kloveks, who were a family of happy elves, and whose house was an enormous Christmas tree, with each of their fourteen rooms contained inside enormous baubles. And the Tuggenmeisters, a family of inter-dimensional beings, whose house was upside down and inside out, so every time you entered it, you left it again and every time you looked up you saw down, which made hanging wall paintings quite impossible.