by Adam Cece
All these weird families living in the street only highlighted the fact that the Chans just weren’t that weird, and all her life Cymphany had secretly wished for a family that was even a teeny bit more weird.
Funnily enough, on the opposite side of town, Kipp Kindle wished for a family that was a teeny bit more normal, or, at the very least, not the weirdest family ever to live in Huggabie Falls. And now, with the extremely weird thing that had happened in Huggabie Falls, his wish had suddenly come true. But while you would have thought Kipp would be happy about this, he wasn’t. Instead, he had tossed and turned through a sleepless night. He wasn’t sure why he was upset, and then he was even more upset that he was upset when he shouldn’t be.
The evening before had been filled with normalness. The Kindles had eaten very normal lasagne for dinner, then watched some overly normal television, then brushed their teeth—while looking in a mirror! And finally, the most normal thing of all, as Kipp had kissed his parents goodnight, without even thinking about it, he had said, ‘See you in the morning,’ even though this was something he had never, ever said to them before.
When Kipp woke up the next morning, he had hardly slept a wink from worry, and big puffy bags had collected under his eyes. He desperately wanted his weird family back.
He dressed silently and quickly and made his way downstairs. As he snuck outside he saw his mother in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea in a wonky pottery cup. Kipp shuddered. This weirdness had to stop!
Out on the street, Tobias had been waiting for Kipp since dawn, and he, too, had droopy eyes.
‘You couldn’t sleep either?’ Kipp asked. ‘Is your family normal, too?’
‘I wish,’ said Tobias. ‘Mr Yugel, the bank manager, spent all night pounding on our front door, demanding our family pay back the loan we took out from the Huggabie Falls Bank four years ago.’ Tobias yawned and, because yawns are infectious, Kipp yawned too.
Tobias and Kipp didn’t have to wait long for Cymphany to come bouncing down the street. She was eager to get cracking on solving the mystery of the extremely weird thing that had happened.
She was carrying her satchel. Cymphany was always carrying her satchel. As far as Kipp and Tobias knew, it was bottomless, as it seemed to contain something for every occasion. Today she removed from her satchel an assortment of detective items, including a pen and notebook for documenting the interview they were undoubtedly going to have with Mr Felonious Dark. Cymphany had also packed a torch, a junior-detective fingerprint kit and some chocolate-chip cookies, which had nothing to do with detective work but a lot to do with the fact that children love chocolate-chip cookies.
‘Your parents aren’t the only ones,’ Cymphany said, reading the worried look on Kipp’s face. ‘Did you read the Huggabie Falls Gazette this morning?’
Kipp and Tobias shook their heads. ‘We don’t get the Gazette delivered anymore,’ Tobias said, ‘because we never paid our bill.’
‘Well,’ Cymphany continued, ‘a lot of Huggabie Falls’ weirdest people and weirdest things are suddenly turning normal, and no one can explain why. Mr Brumfoot, the man with the enormous hands, whose finger paintings are world-famous, woke up today with his hands shrunk right down to normal size. He’s lost his livelihood overnight. And there are others. It seems almost every hour a new person loses their weirdness. And it’s not just people. Someone found the top of the topless hill. Apparently, it was hidden under a bush. The town is in a panic. Everyone’s worried about this wave of normality and who or what is going to be next.’
Cymphany grinned. ‘It looks like my family will be the weirdest family in all of Huggabie Falls soon,’ she said, as if to say, wouldn’t that be ironic justice if everyone who has accused my family of being so terribly normal all these years suddenly became normal themselves?
‘It must have something to do with Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency,’ said Tobias. ‘We have to find it as soon as possible.’
‘We should skip school today,’ Kipp said. ‘I can’t concentrate on school at a time like this. I just hope it’s not too late to turn everything back to the way it was.’ Kipp looked at his home as he said this, and he sighed.
‘But what about Mrs Turgan?’ Tobias said, grimacing. ‘She hates truancy. Remember when Milo McFerny skipped class? They say she turned him into one of the toilet bowls on the second floor. Every time I use one of those toilets I wonder if I’m about to wee on poor Milo.
Cymphany shook her head. ‘Turgan’s always dangerous, whether or not we attend class, and we have to help Kipp.’
Tobias looked at Kipp’s worried face and nodded. Tobias was a loyal friend, and his loyalty seemed to override his cowardice on this occasion. ‘Okay, let’s do it.’ He gulped. ‘First thing we have to do is find this weirdness investigation and eradication agency.’
At this point in the story, I should mention that I, as the storyteller, don’t condone any children skipping school for any reason whatsoever. Obviously Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany thought that, considering the circumstances, it would be okay, just this once, to skip school. Parents of children reading this book would be horrified, I’m sure, if they thought for one moment that I encouraged this sort of behaviour, but then again parents of children reading this book would certainly understand that I am merely telling the story, ipso facto I cannot in any way control what Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany do. I can only report it.
Now, where was I?
Oh, that’s right, the three school-skipping children, Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, acting without the consent of me, the storyteller, soon found themselves searching for 123 Digmont Drive, the office of Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency.
I know you may be thinking here that I have incorrectly used the word searching. You may be thinking this because, according to the business card from chapter three, Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency is located at 123 Digmont Drive. And you may also have noticed, if you are one of the observant readers we talked about earlier, that the Kindles’ house is located at 1778 Digmont Drive, so you have naturally assumed that these two locations are on the same (long) street. It was very silly of you to assume that. You have made this assumption by applying a rule applicable to any normal town, which is if two buildings are addressed as being on the same street then those two buildings will indeed be on the same street. But we have already established that Huggabie Falls is no normal town. It is a weird town, the weirdest town on Earth, in fact, and therefore normal-town rules do not apply.
There are more than one hundred streets, roads, alleys and groves in Huggabie Falls, and all of them are named Digmont Drive. As with many of the weird things about Huggabie Falls, which I will one day write a big book about, it has been a long time since anyone has even thought to question why this is so. Whatever the reason, there is one major downside to living in a town where every street, road, alley and grove is named Digmont Drive, and that is the fact that addresses are basically useless.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany had the address of Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency, but they had no idea where to find it, or where to start looking.
‘Well, we know all the roads and streets around our houses, around our school and on the way to Mr Haurik’s caravan,’ said Cymphany. ‘And we know Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency isn’t on any of those.’
‘Maybe,’ suggested Tobias, ‘we should just start from one corner of town, perhaps over near the bottomless lake, and work our way all the way to the other side of town, where there’s that banana tree that grows microwave ovens.’
‘That’s going to take us all day,’ said Cymphany, wondering if she’d packed enough chocolate-chip cookies.
‘Well then, we’d better get started,’ said Kipp.
And so they did.
It took four long, muscle-wearying hours for the three school-skipping children to find Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency, at 123 Digmon
t Drive, which happened to be a small dishevelled stone building hidden away down a gritty alley beside the Huggabie Falls Public Library.
The children waited nervously in the cold and draughty waiting room of Dark’s Weirdness Investigation and Eradication Agency, sitting on uncomfortable steel chairs and being eyed suspiciously by a large receptionist, who had purple curlers in her red hair and yellow stains on her teeth.
It was some time before she gave them an unpleasant grunt, as if to say, they could go in and see Mr Dark now, and she pointed towards a rickety wooden door, which hung ajar. The room beyond it was inky black.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany made their way through the door one by one, pushing cobwebs aside as they went.
‘Nice place,’ said Cymphany, as if to say, this place is scary and I’m not so sure we should be here at all.
Once inside the room, Cymphany, Tobias and Kipp stood in total blackness and silence, before the striking of a match interrupted both the blackness and the silence. The flame from the match illuminated the face of a thin, menacing-looking man.
The menacing-looking man didn’t say anything, he just continued looking menacing.
Kipp took a gulp of courage. ‘Mr Dark?’ he asked.
The thin, menacing-looking man used the match to light two candles, which cast barely enough light for Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany to see that the man wore a pin-striped suit that was too tight even for his slim body, and that he sat at a dusty old desk with three child-sized chairs positioned in front of it.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany exchanged looks, as if to say, that’s very strange—was this menacing-looking man expecting us?
‘I’m Mr Felonious Dark,’ he said at last, although he didn’t speak as such; he sort of hissed. ‘Won’t you sit down? Excuse the candlelight. I haven’t been able to pay my electricity bill this month. Business has been a little slow, but I imagine with the extremely weird occurrences, it will soon pick up.’ There was a glint of mischief in Felonious Dark’s beady black eyes.
‘Actually, that’s what we’re here about,’ said Tobias.
A wry smile spread across Felonious Dark’s pale face. ‘Oh, yes?’ He lifted his eyebrows a bit late, as though pretending the news was a surprise to him, whereas it was obvious it wasn’t. ‘You want to know something about the extremely weird thing that has happened, or, to be more accurate, that is still happening?’
The children peered at each other. Cymphany rummaged in her satchel for her notebook, in order to take notes during the questioning of Felonious Dark they were about to commence. She soon realised, however, that notebooks are wonderful if there is actually enough light in the room to see what you are noting, which there is not by candlelight, so she stuffed her notebook away again, wishing she had thought to bring a miniature audio recording device.
Felonious Dark smiled. ‘Why would you think I knew anything about the extremely weird thing that is happening?’
‘Well, you must admit it is quite a coincidence,’ said Cymphany, in an accusing tone, still a bit grouchy at herself for forgetting a recording device.
Felonious Dark chuckled. ‘A coincidence?’
‘Well, as you mentioned,’ Cymphany said, ‘something is eradicating all the weirdness from our town, at about the same time as the appearance of your new agency that claims to eradicate weirdness.’
Felonious Dark upped his chuckle to a cackle. ‘I assure you, children, my agency is not new. I’ve been here for years. I simply change my agency’s name depending on where the business is. The occurrence of these extremely weird things is the reason for my latest name change.’
‘So,’ Kipp said. ‘How do you explain your business card being in my letterbox?’
Upon seeing the business card that Kipp held up, Felonious Dark upped his cackle to a guffaw. ‘Ah, you must be the Kindle boy. Yes, I was at your house investigating the extremely weird thing that happened there, just like you have come here investigating the same matter. But I assure you I had nothing to do with your family’s sudden bout of normality.’
‘Do you expect us to believe that?’ said Cymphany, getting a tad carried away.
‘I expect,’ said Mr Dark, suddenly slamming his hands down and standing up, making Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany all jump, ‘that children should respect their elders.’
‘But, what about your name?’ Cymphany blurted out.
‘My name?’ Felonious Dark frowned at her.
‘Well your first and second names don’t start with the same letter,’ Cymphany explained. ‘That’s not normal.’
With the mention of his unusual name, Felonious Dark’s large brow began to crease, and the children suspected that he was about to get very angry, a suspicion that was quickly confirmed.
‘I am about to get angry,’ boomed Felonious Dark. ‘You don’t want to see me get angry. I do very unpleasant things when I’m angry.’
Kipp tensed, and his eyes darted across to Tobias, who had said nothing for a while. Tobias was staring at a book that sat on Felonious Dark’s desk. In the weak candlelight Kipp could just make out the words on the cover:
HOW TO FOOL NOSEY CHILDREN BY TRENT THACKERY
Kipp only had time to think, that’s odd, before Tobias sprang to his feet. ‘Well I think we’ve wasted enough of your time, Mr Dark, sir,’ he said.
‘We have?’ Cymphany said, as if to say, this thin, menacing-looking man is obviously lying. We must question him some more.
‘You have?’ said Felonious Dark, alarmed.
‘We have,’ confirmed Kipp, and he and Tobias began to drag Cymphany from the office of Felonious Dark, under Felonious Dark’s untrusting gaze.
They were ever so close to getting out of there when Felonious Dark boomed again, ‘Aren’t you forgetting something, Ms Chan?’
All three children stopped, a little stunned that Felonious Dark knew Cymphany’s name.
Cymphany struggled free of Tobias’s grip. ‘Forgetting something?’ she said.
Felonious Dark curled his thin lips into a cruel sneer. ‘You haven’t stated a capital city yet. You’re running out of time? What about the capital city of Panama, that’s an easy one. Or… perhaps you don’t know it?’
‘Of course I know it,’ said Cymphany, standing up straight. ‘It’s Panama City.’
‘Good.’ Felonious Dark nodded. ‘Now run along, children.’ He waved them off with his bony hand.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany needed no more encouragement. They quickly exited through the rickety door from whence they had come, into the reception area. The large receptionist snarled under her breath, as if to say, don’t come back.
‘What’s going on?’ demanded Cymphany, as they stumbled out into the bright sunlit alley. ‘How did that strange man know about my capital cities and, more importantly, why did we leave all of a sudden like that? We’ll never find out what happened to your parents now, Kipp.’
Now, being the storyteller, I should know every twist and turn of this funny little tale, but I was just as surprised as you that Felonious Dark seemed to know of Cymphany’s tendency to declare capital cities. More concerning to me though, was Felonious Dark’s strange comment that time was running out, thus implying that he somehow knew this chapter was coming close to its conclusion. Of course, I am being ridiculous because for Felonious Dark to know such a thing would imply that he is somehow aware that he is a character in a book, but that is impossible. Characters are never aware of such things, even in Huggabie Falls. Nevertheless, I will have to keep an eye on Felonious Dark. So too will Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany.
Alas, I seem to have become sidetracked yet again. I really must stop doing that. Let us go back to the alley, shall we?
‘Cymphany, the man was obviously lying,’ said Tobias. ‘Didn’t you see the book on his desk? He had been expecting us all along. We’re not going to get any answers from him. We’re just going to get ourselves into danger.’
Cymphany stopped. ‘Book?’
‘Tobias is right,’ said
Kipp, and he told Cymphany about the book. ‘The thing that puzzles me is why Felonious Dark left it on his desk. He must have known we’d see it, even in the dim light. Did he want us to know he was lying?’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany thought this over. Then Tobias sighed, and Kipp and Cymphany thought he had the answer, but he only had another question. ‘What do we do now?’ he asked.
‘We wait,’ suggested Cymphany. ‘We wait for Felonious Dark to leave his office, and then we follow him.’
Kipp and Tobias agreed that this was an excellent plan, so the children hid behind a nearby tree and waited.
Unbeknownst to Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, but knownst to me, somebody was watching them as they hid behind that tree. It wasn’t Felonious Dark, nor was it his large receptionist. It was somebody much worse. Soon that somebody-much-worse strolled up behind the children, without them noticing, and tapped one of them on the shoulder.
That one of them was Cymphany, and when they all turned around and saw who that somebody-much-worse was, they knew instantly they were in big trouble.
The word petrified means paralysed with terror. For example a person who has a phobia of heights might be petrified to discover that they’ve been accepted into astronaut school.
Another example of petrified might be three children who have skipped school for the day to investigate an extremely weird thing that has happened, and who have suddenly run into their teacher.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany did not have a phobia of heights, but they did have a phobia of their teacher, Mrs Turgan, who was peering down her hooked nose at them and smiling a mouthful of brown, crooked teeth.
‘Well, well, well, what have we here?’ said Mrs Turgan knowing full well that what she had here were three truant students, whom she could now to turn into lavatory seats, if she so desired.