I watch her, biting my bottom lip anxiously as she calls three times. He doesn't pick up.
"He’s probably just ignoring it because he doesn’t recognise the number. If you ring, he will answer."
I shake my head again, firmly this time.
"No. I can’t. It screams of desperation. It’s only been one morning without him.” I reach for my phone anyway, staring at his name on my screen. Before I can stop myself, I press the call button.
I chew on my lip harder as I wait for him to answer. I have the same success as Samantha, it just rings out.
I hang up, looking at my phone as if an answer as to where he is will magically appear.
"He didn't answer."
"No shit Sherlock. Try again."
I take her advice and press the call button again.
This time it goes straight to his voice mail. I frown and hang up again. Something must have come up.
The bell signals the end of lunch and we stand up, heading towards our next class.
"Well, seeing as Drew is MIA, should we walk home together?"
Samantha gives me a playful shove.
"So you only want me when lover boys not around?"
I link her arm with mine.
"You know it's not like that. I still can't believe you are here with me. I love you."
She laughs, flicking her black glossy hair off her shoulders.
"I know you do. I will meet you in the parking lot. It's good to see you smiling again small-fry."
The afternoon goes quickly. I have work tonight but I decide if I haven't heard from Drew I would just drop by before my shift. All thoughts of being clingy had vanished, I just wanted to see him now. My heart was thudding wildly at the thought of seeing him again.
As I walk out of NYSSA that afternoon and catch Samantha in the parking lot, I feel truly happy. We chat about this and that on the way back, mainly about my weekend. I can't stop grinning as I give her the details.
"Wow, he sounds good. Not enough to turn me obviously. I like my lady kisses too much."
I burst into laughter at her words. By the time we turn down our road we were both in fits of giggles.
"Lover boy is waiting for you."
I look up to see Drew standing outside our building. I was so happy to see him standing there that it takes me a while to notice he looks different. He looks… wounded.
I run up, flinging my arms around him. He smells so good.
"Hi gorgeous. I missed you. Where were you today? Are you OK?"
I smile as I place my hand on his cheek, needing to touch him again. It had only been about nine hours since I had seen him, but I ached for him every minute.
He smiles sadly, it doesn’t reach his eyes. He takes my hand away from him.
"Hey you."
He’s stressed and upset about something.
I glance at Samantha nervously who is also looking puzzled by Drews mood.
"Dwarf was waiting for you today, you were a no show. What's the excuse?"
Drew stares at the ground, kicking a stone near his feet. He can’t look me in the eyes.
"I uh, I took the day off to do some thinking. And…."
His brow was shimmering with sweat even though it was a cool day. He hadn't bothered to do his hair and even though I thought it looked cute like that, I knew that he never left the house without doing something to it. We may have only been together a few days, but we had told each other everything. All our little secrets. His hands twitch nervously by his side as he continues kicking the stone. My head starts spinning, my stomach twisting in agony. My heart feels like it was about to explode. Whatever was about to happen would break me. Of that I was certain.
I can’t look at Samantha rises to her full height, prepared to do battle with him.
"And Curls? What exactly have you been thinking about? Spit it out."
She sounded angry. She knew as well as I did what was about to go down. It was written all over his face.
I glance at the both of them, not wanting to look but unable to look away. How come Drew could look at Samantha with no problem? Sure, he looked guilty…but he could still look at her.
"I need to talk to Louise. Alone."
He hesitates as he says my name, like it pains him to say it.
I take a step towards them both. Samantha steps back a bit so I can face him.
"Whatever you have to say can be said in front of her."
I didn’t know if this was a mistake or not. All I knew is I needed the support. All of my being was screaming that he was about to drop a bombshell on me. I could tell that whatever he wanted to say to me was making him as upset as I was about to feel. His eyes were the key to everything. In fact, I couldn’t be certain…but it looked like he had been crying. What the hell was going on?
"I can't do this anymore."
He said the words quickly, then returned his attention to the stone he had been kicking before.
"Can't do what exactly?"
My voice was small as I spoke. I knew. I knew what he couldn’t do. I just needed him to look at me and say it. How could he have spent the whole weekend saying sweet nothings staring into my eyes, and yet not even glance at me now?
"I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry."
Every word he said felt like a million daggers on top of a huge dagger stabbing me over and over again. There was no way I was going to cry right here in front of him. Not in front of him. Not in front of Samantha. No way.
"OK. If that's what you want."
Now he met my eyes. He had obviously been expecting a fight.
"You better get the fuck out of my sight Evans. If I ever catch you near her again, I swear I will kick the…"
"Samantha, it’s fine. Really. It’s OK."
I even manage to smile at her. My heart is breaking but I could smile. Maybe living through my parents dying so young had made me somehow immune to pain. I could feel my heart snapping….and yet…..I felt distant from it all.
"Louise, you have no clue how hard this is. I would do anything to make up for the hurt, make up for the pain. If I could make it up to you, I would.”
He takes my hand while talking, stroking the back of it with his thumb. I want to beg him not to do this. But I knew as soon as we walked up to him five minutes ago that his mind was made up. And yet……
"There is something you can do."
The fact I had managed to even speak surprised me.
"Anything."
I take a deep breath.
"You can look me in the eyes this time. Look me in the eyes and start again, say you can’t do it. Say it’s over. If you can tell me we are finished while looking into my eyes, I will know it’s real. I will know you mean it. I’ll let you go.”
He’s still holding my hand. He shakes his head, glancing at Samantha. For a second, I see the fear in his eyes. He doesn’t want to do it. My heart leaps as he pulls me close to him, our faces nearly touching. I can feel his breath on my cheek. For what feels like an eternity, we look into each others eyes as he carries on holding my hand.
His eyes fill with tears. He drops my hand.
"I don't want you anymore Louise. You gave me what I wanted. I won.”
I jump back as if I’ve been electrocuted. The pain is too much. He used me for sex. It turns out I could feel extreme pain, even after going through the trauma of losing my parents.
He was right. He had won. I had thought he had changed. None of it had been real.
Just before he turns away from me, I see a silent tear fall down his cheek.
I turn to Samantha, shaking my head as if to clear away what had just happened. The look of pity on her face was enough to make me want to throw up.
I smile at her, knowing full well the smile isn't reaching my eyes.
"Right. I need to go up and do some studying before work. I'll see you tomorrow?"
She puts her arm around my shoulders and it nearly breaks me. I want to fall to the ground and sob hysterically. Bu
t somehow, I straighten myself up and start climbing the stairs to our rooms.
"I thought we were going to eat together tonight shorty?"
She sounds like she is talking to someone who had just been injured or something. I suppose in a way, I have been.
I was anxious to keep things normal. The whole world had witnessed me crumble once before, I was not going to let it happen again.
"Sure. What are we having?"
We reach our rooms and Samantha is still holding me. I shrug her off to get to my room. She says she will be back soon with some takeout.
I nod, unable to look at her anymore and enter my room. As soon as my door is shut, I collapse against it. I keep waiting for the tears to come, but they never do. I jump half an hour later as Samantha knocks on the door. I have been sitting here staring into space since she left.
I let her in. She has cartons of Chinese food in her hands.
"Come on, eat up. You have a shift tonight."
I take the food from her and dig in. We eat in silence. The last thing I feel like doing is eating, but she would have bullied me into it anyway. After about forty minutes, I check the time.
"I'd better get changed and go."
She frowns.
"Louise, you have to talk to me. I know you are hurting."
I chuckle, but it sounds sad and hollow.
"My parents died a few months ago. It takes more than some jerk of a guy to hurt me. I’ve been through worse."
She raises an eyebrow at me, clearly not believing a word.
"Well in that case, I will see you tomorrow. We can walk to NYSSA together."
I smile and nod, holding the door open for her to leave. As she walks out, she squeezes my hand briefly.
"And when you want to scream, cry, let it all out and tell me how much that fucker has hurt you, I will be here. I'm not going anywhere."
I squeeze her hand back, letting her know I got it. And that I am grateful she understands. She leaves and I get changed to go to work.
"Woah. Who took Louise and replaced her with this misery I see before my eyes?"
I had just entered the staffroom, not realising that Brett was in here as well. I sling my bag down on the floor and head out to the bar, scrubbing the already polished wood.
"What's up sugar? Did your favourite boyband split up? Or no… let me guess, the shops ran out of your favourite shampoo and conditioner?"
I glare at Brett who has followed me out and is leaning against the bar with a smug look on his face.
"Wow, both of your guesses were right. Congratulations."
"Oooo sarcastic tonight are we? I like this fiery side of you."
I snap, having had about enough of this awful day.
"Oh just get out of my face will you? I'm not stupid Brett. You are an asshole. I've been warned about you many times. Just keep away from me.”
He laughs in astonishment.
"What? Who’s told you I’m an asshole? Has your Dad warned you about bad boys or something?"
I wince as he says the word Dad. I walk to the other side of the bar to polish the mirror. He follows me over. He had no idea about my parents, I couldn’t be angry with him for that.
"But of course it’s not your Dad warning you against me. It’s the guy who walks you here and back every day. My oh so lovely step brother."
I don't answer. I carry on cleaning the mirror instead.
"I bet he has told you how bad and wicked I am. And you believed him?"
He laughs and carries on speaking.
"Just curious Louise, but has he ever told you why I’m so bad? Or has he left that question unanswered? Because I can fill you in now if you like?"
Curiosity gets the better of me.
He sits on a bar stool and pats the one next to him. I sigh and give up on the mirror. I sit down, waiting for an answer.
"OK, I'm listening."
He takes a deep breath before launching into the story.
"Well, I'm not sure how well you know Drew, but to cut a long story short, he hates not getting his own way. And one night, there was this girl. You know when you just love someone? And you love them so much it hurts?"
I thought of Drew and nodded. I knew it too well right now.
"This girl was everything to me. Her name was Emma. I begged Drew not to go near her. He will sleep with any girl, regardless of how much he is hurting other people. Well, he tried it on with her, and she wasn't having any of it. She wanted me. I was so happy I could have burst. But of course, it made him angry. Ever since then, he has hated my guts. He poisoned Emma against me. She left me within a month, I am pretty sure they even ended up sleeping together. That is why he hates me Louise. I got someone he wanted first. He tells lies about me and makes out I am awful, when all along, it was him that caused the rift."
I shake my head, not wanting to believe it. But it sure sounded like Drew. At least, the old Drew. All this time he had been warning me to stay away from Brett. It was probably only because he wanted me to sleep with him before Brett had a chance. I had been such an idiot.
"I'm sorry I ever listened to him Brett. Do you still love her?"
I touch his arm as I speak, feeling horrendously guilty that I had believed a snake like Drew before ever even hearing Brett out. He looks down and sighs sadly.
"I guess I still do a bit. But I could never get back with her even if she didn't believe all Drews lies, because they slept together."
He shudders.
"Anyway, sorry to bore you. I just wanted you to know that there is no reason to hate me. I'm a good guy Louise, no matter what you have heard."
I know my face is probably full of guilt right now.
"You didn't bore me. I’m glad I finally know. I'm sorry I judged you."
I go over to the tables and start cleaning them.
"So, how about it?"
"How about what?" I ask, puzzled.
He walks over, hovering near the table I am cleaning.
"Now you know I'm not completely awful, would you want to go out on a date with me?"
My cheeks turn pink and I am just about to reject his advances when he speaks again.
"Or is there something going on with you and Drew? He always walks you here doesn't he? I understand if you can't go out with me because of that. Or, of course if you just don’t see me that way. I get it."
There is that pain again, a load of daggers stabbing at me. I had been through enough for one year. I didn't want to think about Drew ever again.
"There's nothing going on with me and Dar…. Him."
I can't even bring myself to say his name.
Bretts eyes light up at the news.
"So, Is that a yes?"
Even though I knew it was wrong, I found myself agreeing. I feel sick as he gives me a peck on the cheek and walks back into the staffroom whistling happily.
Could I really do this to Drew?
Then I remember with sadness that there was no Drew.
Chapter Fifteen - Louise
I agree to meet Brett the following night for our date. He had the night off and Samantha was doing my shift. I still couldn't believe she was doing that for me, I thanked my lucky stars yet again that she had come back into my life.
I worked on auto pilot that night, making small chit chat with Brett. Then I walked home, by myself. It was strange, ever since I had started my job, Drew had walked me there and back every night, even when we weren't together. But now I was alone. My mind must have been playing tricks on me, I could have sworn I saw a Drew shaped shadow at one point, but it couldn't have been.
Apart from the walk home, I refused to think about him. If I didn't think about it, then none of it happened. I had told the guy I was in love with him and all he ever wanted was a quick screw. Or a lot of screws depending on how you wanted to look at the weekend we had just spent together.
The cold, sharp pain that shot through me at the thought of the weekend was exactly the reason why I was choosing to blank it all
out. It hurt more than I could possibly describe. It was a different kind of pain to my Mom and Dad dying. My parents death had caused a huge hole in my heart that would never be healed. The Drew business was like somebody inside my body, making the hole bigger and bigger with a blunt instrument until eventually, it felt like I had no heart left.
The easiest way to deal with my heartache was to block it out. I was numb to it. I even managed to sleep when I got home, because in my mind, I had never met Drew Evans. He didn’t exist.
The morning came and I got ready for the day at NYSSA. Samantha came knocking on the door and checked me over, looking for any sign of weakness.
"You don't fool me Lou. You think I don't know you by now? You are crushed. And like I said last night, when you are ready to break down, I am here. Now let's go get this day over with."
I smile gratefully. I had no intention of breaking down over this, but I appreciated her words like she would never know.
As we stepped outside the building and started our walk to NYSSA, Sammy groaned.
"What's up?" My voice came out broken, it didn't sound like my own, I needed to work on that.
She links her arm through mine and groans again.
"I have work tonight. I wanted to grab some dinner and make you talk things through. But luckily for you it will have to wait for another time."
"You know I will take your shift Samantha. It's my shift anyway, so if you want me to do it, I will."
I can see the agitation on her face. She flicks her pony tail, the way she always does when she gets an attitude on her.
"I thought we talked about this dwarf, I am doing half your shifts…. no argument. I am not moaning about working, I am moaning that I don't get to spend time with you. And besides, you doing the shift tonight still means I wouldn't get to hang out with you, so it defeats the whole purpose.
Before I can stop myself, I shoot my big mouth off.
"Even if neither of us were working, we wouldn't have been able to hang out. I have plans tonight."
Why did I have to say that? If I had just kept my mouth shut, she would have been none the wiser. Her eyes are on me, searching me.
"Not to rub salt into your wounds or anything but… Drew ditched you, I have work and you don't so that leaves you with no plans."
I can’t help but laugh, feeling somewhat offended that she thought my only plans could revolve around her and Drew. I mean, it was true, but she didn’t need to be reminded.
Take A Bite Of My Heart Tonight Page 14