As Needed

by Thea Dawson

  “Shall we say grace?” asked Wilson.

  Bryce glanced at Rachel, wondering if she’d mind, but she simply took Wilson and Vera’s hands in hers and cast her eyes down at her plate. Bryce followed her lead, reflecting that maybe he was the one who wasn’t comfortable with a prayer.

  “Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen,” Vera and Wilson said in unison.

  “And let me add how very thankful we are to have Bryce, Rachel, and Nora with us today,” added Vera. She opened her eyes to look at Bryce. “I hope we’ll see more of you all soon.”

  Rachel’s eyes opened and met Bryce’s. Somehow he knew without being told that she was thinking of her own grandmother and the close relationship they shared. Letting go of Wilson and Vera’s hands, he turned to face Vera, putting as much warmth into his smile as he could. “Thank you for inviting us up. We’re very happy to be here.”

  Out of the corner of his eye, he was aware of Rachel’s stare bearing down on him for a moment longer, then she was back to her normal chatty self, praising the chicken, asking more questions about the farm and the little town nearby, and begging Vera for her mashed potato recipe.

  Her cheery optimism had made a difficult day exponentially easier for him, and he was glad she was there. Of course, he reminded himself, if it hadn’t been for her, he wouldn’t have been in this position to begin with.

  Overall, the day was a mixed blessing. He was glad he’d made an effort to visit if only to put to rest once and for all any question of the Sullivans taking Nora back, and he had to admit the knowledge that Vera and Wilson didn’t hate him was a relief. On the other hand, there was the uncomfortable and growing realization that they probably would hate him once Nora’s impending adoption came to light. He couldn’t bring himself to broach the subject now, during a Christmas lunch with hosts who were trying so hard to be accommodating and kind, but he also couldn’t ignore the fact his plans for Nora would break their hearts.

  After lunch, Vera brought tea and cookies into the living room and suggested that they sit there. Rachel hopped up to clear the table and, despite Vera’s protests, began loading the dishwasher. Bryce followed her lead and did what he could to clean up. Vera had washed up most of the pots and pans before they’d arrived, though, so it was only a few minutes before the kitchen and the dining room were tidy again.

  Once they were settled with their tea, Vera and Wilson presented Bryce and Rachel each with a small gift-wrapped present, along with a third one for Nora.

  “My husband carves things,” Vera said proudly. Wilson looked modestly at the floor. “We wanted to give you something, you know, personal.” Some of her initial nervousness had returned.

  Bryce and Rachel opened their gifts. His was a glossy wooden bear, carefully carved and polished, standing on its four legs with its head turned to one side. It was smooth, with a stylized, almost abstract quality that Bryce wouldn’t have anticipated from the homespun farmer.

  Rachel unwrapped a wooden fox, graceful and feminine, done in the same style. Her eye shone with delight. “Thank you!”

  “These are beautiful, Wilson,” Bryce chimed in. “Thank you very much.”

  “Would you like to unwrap Nora’s?” Vera pushed the third present toward him. Despite the abstract style, it was immediately obvious that Nora’s present was a robin perched on a ring, just the right size for a baby’s hand to grip, carved from a single piece of the same dark wood and polished to a high sheen.

  Rachel held it out for Nora, who wrapped her pudgy fingers around the ring and burbled as she shook it.

  “It’s all non-toxic and safe for her to put in her mouth or whatever,” Wilson muttered, looking awkward.

  “It’s wonderful,” Bryce said. “It’s a very special present for her to have something her grandfather made.”

  Wilson gave a single stiff nod in response.

  They sat in the living room for another hour or so, making small talk while Vera and Wilson took turns holding Nora and helping her shake her robin toy. Outside, the sky continued to darken, until Bryce would have thought it was much later than it really was, except for an antique clock on the mantelpiece that kept time with a relentless ticking.

  Finally, after handing Nora back to her grandmother, Wilson excused himself and walked out the back door. After standing on the deck for a few minutes, he came back in.

  “I’m not in any hurry to see you folks off, but I gotta say, I don’t like the look of that sky. Take it from an old farmer: might be smart to get on the road sooner than later.”

  The day had gone better than he could have expected, but Bryce still heaved a sigh of relief at the thought of getting home. Maybe he could talk Rachel into staying for dinner. Since lunch, she’d alternated between giving him hard looks and not meeting his eyes at all. He knew she was upset, and he needed things between them to be right again.

  Vera bustled around getting their coats while he and Rachel stuffed Nora into her snowsuit, and Bryce collected her belongings. For as long as the day had felt, they were ready to go in just a couple of minutes.

  The Sullivans walked them to the door, where Rachel hugged them both.

  Vera turned her bright eyes to Bryce. “We’d love to have you all back up in the spring. I mean, anytime, of course, but it’s so pretty here in the spring. I know she’s still young, but I’d love to show Nora where her mom used to play. You’ll keep in touch, won’t you?”

  Rachel gave him a sharp glance and saved him the effort of coming up with an answer. “Of course we will,” she said firmly.

  16

  Rachel’s smile vanished as soon as he began driving down the long driveway that led to the main road, and she lapsed into a morose silence. They drove for several miles, the winter afternoon growing darker by the minute. Even Nora didn’t have much to say. A glance in the rearview mirror showed that her eyes were drooping. Between her long nap on the way up and another nap now, she wasn’t going to want to sleep tonight, he thought.

  The first thick drops of rain splashed the windshield as he turned onto the highway, and he slowed the car down. They drove for almost an hour in silence before he decided to address the elephant in the room.

  “I want what’s best for her, Rachel,” he said.

  “I know.” Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her. It was almost dark, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see she was staring out the window at the highway ahead of them.

  He passed a couple of exits before he spoke again. “Maybe I can arrange an open adoption so the Sullivans can stay in touch with her.” It would make finding a family more difficult, and it wouldn’t grant the Sullivans any legal rights to see Nora, but it would keep the possibility of a relationship open.

  Beside him, Rachel nodded but didn’t say anything.

  A car passed them then pulled into their lane, fishtailing slightly before speeding ahead. He swore under his breath and tapped his brakes. Wilson had been right; the weather was getting nasty. The rain was turning to ice as soon as it hit the ground, and the highway was becoming as slick as a skating rink. He tapped his brakes again, wondering if he should get off at the next exit and take local roads home. They wouldn’t be any less slippery, but at least there would be less high-speed traffic.

  “I know they’ve been through a lot, I get it,” he said, using his rational lawyer voice. “But they know they can’t look after her well, and they did the responsible thing by turning her over to me. I’m doing the same thing. They’ll understand.”

  “Who are you trying to convince, Bryce? Me or you?” Rachel’s voice was still soft as she continued to stare out the windshield at the darkening road.

  “She’s not your baby, Rachel—”

  “I know.”

  “I’m trying to do the right thing—”

  This time, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her turn her head sharply toward him. “The right thing for her or for you?”<
br />
  The dam that had been holding his emotions in check started to crack. “Damn it, Rachel, that’s not fair. For both of us, okay?”

  He risked a glance at her. She was looking at him now—God damn those big soulful eyes. She had no business judging him; he could do that quite well on his own.

  “I’m not a monster,” he insisted. “I want her to be safe, I want her to be happy, and yeah, I wouldn’t mind getting my life back. The one where I got work done without being interrupted every five minutes, and socialized with other adults, and slept through the night.”

  Rachel turned her attention back to the dark road ahead. “Sounds like a very meaningful life you’ve got going there.”

  When did she get so snide?

  He ground his teeth in frustration. In the distance, headlights gleamed from the other side of the road. He tapped the brakes again, aware that the traction was getting worse. “I don’t want to fight with you, Rachel.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe I want to fight with you.” She sat up straighter, her eyes still fixed on the road. “Do you really think things are just going to go back to normal after you hand her over?” she asked. “Do you really think a baby can drop into your life, and then you give her away and just get on with things like nothing happened? It doesn’t work like that, Bryce. When Jessie—”

  “It’s not the same, Rachel. It’s a completely different situation.”

  “I know it’s not the same, but—”

  “Enough, Rachel! I told you I don’t want to fight about this. I don’t even want to talk about it. Just drop it once and for all, okay?”

  “Fine,” she replied in a tone that said it wasn’t.

  “I’m making the best decision for all of us,” he insisted.

  “Keep your voice down, or you’ll wake Nora,” she muttered as if she hadn’t been talking just as loudly a moment ago.

  The car that was coming toward them on the other side of the road lost control suddenly and swerved toward their lane. Acting on instinct, Bryce jerked the wheel to the right and immediately felt the car slip out of his control. He tapped the brakes again and tried to steer into the steep turn that the car was taking, but it was no longer responding to his commands.

  Beside him, Rachel gasped. He opened his mouth to tell her he was sorry for yelling at her, then there was a bone-jarring crunch, and something hard and cold slapped him in the side of his face. Pain radiated through his temple and jaw, leaving him disoriented.

  He didn’t lose consciousness, but the world dipped and swayed for a long, strange moment. Even after it righted itself, it felt like a puzzle that needed to be put together.

  “Bryce? Bryce, are you okay?” Rachel’s voice sounded far away.

  There was something wrong, but he couldn’t think what it was.

  The anger had vanished from Rachel’s voice, replaced with anxiety. “Bryce, honey, look at me. I think you’re bleeding.” Soft fingers touched the side of his face, the side that hadn’t been hit.

  Some distant part of his brain was screaming at him, but he couldn’t make out what it was trying to tell him. He scrambled to get his thoughts back under control.

  “Bryce?”

  It was too quiet, that was what the problem was. And Rachel was paying attention to the wrong person.

  “Where’s the baby?” he mumbled.

  “She’s in the back. Bryce, can you look at me?”

  Panic washed through him in a sudden, sickening wave. “Where’s Nora, Rachel? Why isn’t she crying?”

  He brushed off her hand and tried to move, but his seatbelt had tightened around him. He fumbled for the catch, but his clumsy, gloved hand couldn’t get it to release. Terror gripped him. Terror that he couldn’t check on Nora, and terror of what he’d see if he did. Irrationally, he struggled harder against the seatbelt, which seemed to get tighter with every movement he made.

  “Why isn’t she crying, Rachel?!”

  He was aware of Rachel unbuckling her own seatbelt and turning her body to look into the back seat. “Hang on.”

  He could hear from her voice that some of his fear had transferred to her. Finally, she was getting her priorities straight. She scrambled past him, squeezing herself through the two front seats into the back.

  “Nora?” Her voice was gentle. “Nora, sweetie, wake up … Nora?” Now he could hear the panic in Rachel’s voice, and his own spiked to a new level in response.

  “Damn it, Nora, wake up!” Rachel shouted.

  A thin, sleepy wail sounded in response. The panic drained away, leaving Bryce weak with relief. He was pretty sure he’d never heard anything so wonderful in his life.

  “She was asleep.” Hysteria shaded the relief in Rachel’s voice. “She slept through the whole, stupid thing. She’s fine.”

  His hand found the release button again, and this time, he was able to click it. The seatbelt slid away, effortlessly, and he turned around. Rachel was slumped against the back seat. Nora was glaring at him through angry tears, her fury at being woken from a sound sleep evident.

  “Thank God,” he breathed. She could scream all she wanted to if it meant she wasn’t hurt. “Rachel, are you okay?”

  Rachel sat up stiffly and nodded. “I wrenched my shoulder, but it’s not that bad. What about you? Shit, Bryce, you are bleeding.” She began scrambling into the front seat again.

  “It’s not that bad. Just whacked my face against the side window.” His jaw still hurt, and he could feel a headache coming on, but the discomfort paled next to the relief of knowing that none of them had been seriously injured. Crouched beside him, Rachel was holding him by the chin, trying to get a look at his cheek.

  Gently, he pushed her away. “Don’t worry about it now. Get in your seat, and let’s see if we can get this thing back on the road.”

  The ditch they’d slid into wasn’t deep, but in conjunction with the icy rain, there was no hope of getting out of it.

  Rachel insisted on dabbing at his cut cheek with a diaper wipe before she allowed him to call for a tow truck. She fiddled with her phone while he made the call.

  He looked at her when he hung up. “It’s going to be a while. A couple of hours, at least. I guess cars are going off the roads all over the place. I’m not sure if the car’s going to be good to drive even once we’re out.”

  He stared out into the darkness, wondering how long they’d be trapped in the car and wishing he’d taken Vera up on her offer to send them home with leftovers. He had enough gas to keep the engine and the heat running for several hours, but he didn’t relish the thought of simply sitting in the car, possibly overnight, hoping that no other cars would slide off the road and into them. There was no telling how long it would be before the roads would be clear again, assuming the car was drivable anyway.

  Rachel held up a “wait a moment” finger, then tapped her phone and held it to her ear while it dialed. “Hang on. There’s a bed and breakfast about half a mile from here. It’ll beat spending the night in the car. Yes, hello?”

  He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes as she made the call, less aware of what she was saying than of the soothing sound of her voice. His cheekbone throbbed, but with the shock of the crash had come a clarity that was worth the pain.

  Beside him, Rachel hung up. “There’s room at the inn!” There was cheerful triumph in her voice. “They can’t come to get us, but if we go straight that way,” she pointed out her side window, “it’s mostly through grass, so it won’t be too slippery, then up the street. And the landlady says they’re salting down the sidewalk right now, so hopefully, it won’t be too bad. How’s your head?”

  “I think my head’s okay. My cheekbone got the worst of it. You sure you’re up for it? How are your shoes?”

  “Surprisingly practical,” Rachel answered, tilting her leg so he could see her feet. The leather booties were stylish but sturdy, with relatively short heels and thick rubber soles. She, at least, had listened to Vera’s instructions to wear farm-appropriate sho
es. “How about yours?”

  He, on the other hand, had worn a casual pair of loafers. They were old, and he wouldn’t have minded if they’d gotten dirty, but they weren’t the best choice for an ice storm.

  It didn’t matter. He didn’t relish being trapped in an iced-over car all night, and his priority was getting Nora and Rachel somewhere safe and warm. “They’ll be fine,” he told her.

  “Okay, let’s do it. Where’s her sling? I’ll carry Nora if you can get her bag.”

  “I’ll carry her,” he insisted.

  “You sure?” She sounded dubious.

  He nodded. He’d never been so sure of anything. “I’ll get her. You grab her bag. There’s a flashlight in the glove compartment.”

  Rachel called the towing company back to explain where they’d be, then collected her purse and Nora’s diaper bag, making sure Wilson’s carvings were zipped safely inside it. They donned coats, hats, scarves, and gloves. Once Bryce had strapped on the sling and installed Nora in it, they were ready to go.

  They had to scramble across the slippery ditch and climb over the guardrail before they commenced slogging through a field with soggy ground and ice-covered grass. His feet were soaked through in a matter of minutes.

  “I’m so sorry for putting you through all this, Rachel,” he huffed, snugging his coat more tightly around Nora and keeping his gaze on the distant lights of the next street.

  Beside him, Rachel gave him a reassuring pat on the arm. “We’re having an adventure. Think of what a great story this is going to be!”

  He stopped in his tracks suddenly as laughter bubbled up from somewhere deep inside him.

  “What’s so funny?” she demanded. “Oh God, tell me you didn’t hit your head so hard you’re cracking up.”

  He shook his head, still laughing. “You’re incredible, Rachel.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We’ve been in a car wreck, and we’re hiking through an ice storm in the middle of the night, and we’re having an adventure.” He laughed at the absurdity and wonderfulness of it all.