Love in the Light

by Laura Kaye

  “Don’t give it a second thought. That’s how I knew something was wrong,” Joe said, standing up beside him. “You’ve never missed a day of work in almost ten years until all this happened. And then Bear told me that Makenna had called a few weeks ago because she didn’t know where you were. Knowing you’d checked out on work and her, I knew something was wrong.”

  Makenna.

  Hearing her name out loud was like a punch to the gut. Caden pressed his fist against the jagged throb in his chest.

  Makenna.

  The sob came out of nowhere.

  Caden slapped his hand over his mouth, horrified to fall apart in front of Joe, to show him just how weak he really was.

  But it was like her name unlocked something inside him, and it felt like whatever it was had been the very last thing holding him together. “Fuck,” Caden choked out, falling heavily to the couch. He dropped his face into his hands, a vain effort to hide the unhideable. His tears. His sobs. His grief.

  His failure.

  Joe was right there with him. Hand on his shoulder, the man sat beside him. “It’ll get better. Just hang on. We’ll get you through this.”

  When Caden could manage to talk again, he shook his head. “She’s gone,” he rasped, sliding his wet hands to cradle his throbbing forehead. “I…I fucked everything up.”

  “Don’t worry about that. Worry about you. Fix you. Then you can work on whatever else you want. But it starts with you.” Joe squeezed his shoulder. “And I’ll be here to help.”

  Caden tilted his head to the side just enough to see Joe’s face. “Why?”

  His captain nailed him with a stare. “You really gotta ask?”

  “Yeah,” he rasped.

  “Because you’re a great part of my team, Caden. Excellent at what you do. More than that, after all these years, I consider you a friend. And if all that wasn’t enough, you’re a good fucking human being, and I’m not losing you to whatever bullshit lies your head is telling you. I know you don’t have any family, so I’m officially stepping in and stepping up. I will fight for you until you can fight for yourself. You hear me?”

  The words reached inside Caden’s chest…and eased him. Not a lot. Not permanently. But enough to take a deep breath. Enough to let his shoulders loosen. Enough to begin to think beyond the next five minutes.

  Caden respected the hell out of Joe Flaherty. Had for his entire adult life. And if Joe believed all that about Caden, maybe there was truth in what he said. And if Joe was willing to fight for Caden, maybe Caden could figure out how to fight for himself, too.

  It starts with you.

  That idea connected to something deep inside Caden. He didn’t know what it was. He didn’t know what it meant. But he grasped onto it, and he grasped onto Joe’s support. Because he had to grasp on to something.

  Before he lost himself forever.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Makenna pulled her car into her father’s driveway, her stomach a nervous, nauseous wreck. For once, that wasn’t her morning sickness talking. It was the looming conversation she needed to have with her dad and brothers. The one that informed them she was pregnant and nearly twelve weeks along. And that the father was out of the picture.

  Two weeks had passed since Caden had left his key. Two weeks since she’d left that voicemail. Two weeks of silence, although she had sent him a Christmas card. One last attempt to reach out.

  No. Don’t think about Caden.

  Heaving a deep breath, she nodded to herself. She couldn’t think of him without getting upset. And angry. And confused. And worried. None of which made her love him any less, though, which just made her so, so sad.

  Enough. It’s Christmas.

  Right. It would’ve been their first.

  The thought made her eyes sting.

  She forced her gaze to the ceiling of her car, pinching off the threatening tears.

  When she’d reined herself in, she retrieved the shopping bags of gifts from her back seat and made her way inside.

  “There’s my peanut,” Dad said when she walked into the kitchen, the nickname making her throat tight. The smell of pancakes and bacon surrounded her—Dad had made the same thing for Christmas breakfast every year since forever.

  “Hi,” she managed. “Merry Christmas.”

  Patrick sat at the breakfast bar, the newspaper spread out in front of him and a coffee mug in his hand. “Merry Christmas,” he said, an affectionate smile on his face. “Wondering when you were gonna get here.”

  “I know,” she said, guilt eating at her. She’d never missed a Christmas Eve at home before, but the holiday had really hit her hard the day before and she’d just needed the time to herself. So she’d called and blamed her inability to make the trip on a bad headache. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it yesterday.”

  “Feeling better?” her dad asked. She nodded. He wiped his hands on a tea towel and took her bags. “Let me help with these,” he said, carrying them into the living room for her. She followed him in and was just about to comment on how pretty the Christmas tree looked when he turned with his arms wide open.

  Swallowing the words, Makenna fell into his embrace, needing it like she hadn’t needed a hug from her father in years. Needing the support and the protection and the unconditional love she’d always found in this man, who’d managed to give her and her brothers everything they needed in a family, even though they’d all lost their mother.

  “Merry Christmas, Daddy,” she said.

  “It is now that all my kids are home.” He put his arm around her shoulders and led her into the kitchen. “Hungry?’

  “Famished, actually,” and she was. Being here was good. Being here helped. It beat back the loneliness she’d been battling. It proved she wasn’t alone, no matter what. It distracted her from her troubles. And it reminded her that, as much as she’d lost, she had so very much to be grateful for, too.

  “Where are Collin and Ian?” she asked, bumping her shoulder against Patrick’s. He pulled her into a one-armed hug.

  “They were getting cleaned up. Should be down any minute,” her dad said as he poured a few circles of batter onto the griddle.

  “How’s Caden? What’s he doing today?” Patrick asked.

  Makenna was prepared for this one. “Since he had Thanksgiving off, he had to work Christmas.” At least that’s what he’d said back at Thanksgiving. She wasn’t sure if he was back to work or not. She hadn’t let herself call Bear again, and he hadn’t called her.

  Patrick nodded. “I hear that. I’m on tonight, but at least I have the day.”

  Footsteps on the stairs sounded out, and then Collin and Ian joined them in the kitchen. Another round of hugs and greetings and Christmas wishes ensued.

  “How are you feeling?” Makenna asked Collin. His hair had grown in enough to begin to cover the scar on the side of his forehead.

  “Doing okay. Still having some headaches, but it’s better than it was,” he said. “I wish Caden had come. I would’ve liked to thank him for everything he did while I was actually with it.”

  Makenna hugged herself and forced a smile. “You did thank him. Anyway, he’d tell you he was just doing his job.”

  “Still,” her father said, pointing with his spatula, “he made a bad night better. Him and Patrick both. I’ll never forget that.”

  A knot of emotion lodged in Makenna’s throat. “Can I have blueberries in my pancakes, Dad?”

  “Heck, yeah. Blueberries, chocolate chips, M&Ms, whatever you kids want,” her dad said with a laugh.

  That set off a flurry of conversation about the pancakes that thankfully got them off of talking about Caden. Makenna ducked her head into the fridge as she looked for the blueberries and the strawberries Collin wanted.

  Christmas breakfast was its usual fun and rowdy affair. They talked, joked, laughed. Her dad told stories from when they were kids, including a few about their mom. That was part of their tradition. Their mother might not be with them anymore, but sh
e was still a part of them. Her dad made sure of it.

  And that was the moment it really hit Makenna that her baby was going to grow up without a parent just like she had.

  She made a quick excuse and slipped away from the table, hoping her exit hadn’t appeared as hurried as it felt. She made a beeline for the hall bathroom and locked herself inside. And damn if her first thought wasn’t about the time she’d locked her and Caden inside the very same room so she could talk to him about Cameron.

  She sagged back against the door, silent tears rolling down her face. She fought against them, knowing if she let the flood gates open she might not be able to close them again. Her quiet sniffles and shuddered breaths filled the room.

  Maybe the baby wouldn’t grow up without one of his parents. Maybe once she told Caden about the baby, he’d at least want to be involved in the kid’s life.

  Because she absolutely had to tell Caden. She knew that. And she planned to do it. The question was when. She hadn’t told him yet because she’d been hoping he’d realize he made a mistake and come back to her—and if he did, she wanted it to be for them. Makenna and Caden. Not because she was pregnant with his baby.

  So, at some point, she was going to have to talk to him again. To see him. At the very least, she wanted to give Caden the opportunity to see the baby during her next ultrasound. He deserved that. He deserved to be involved, to know his child.

  That appointment wasn’t for another six weeks, but Makenna was already excited because it was the one where she could learn the baby’s sex. She’d already decided that she wanted to know. For some reason, when she thought about the baby, she always thought of him as a boy. Maternal instinct or pure randomness? She’d find out soon.

  Pull it together, Makenna.

  Right.

  She cleaned up her face and took a deep breath, then walked out the door.

  And nearly walked into Patrick, standing in the hallway. Arms crossed. Clearly waiting. “Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” he asked.

  Leave it to Patrick to realize something was wrong. “Nothing,” she said, giving him a smile.

  He arched an eyebrow, his frown deepening.

  Makenna sighed. “Later.”

  “Promise?” he asked. She nodded, and he pulled her into his arms. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”

  A quick nod against his chest, and then she pulled away. “Come on. It’s time for presents.”

  * * *

  Later came faster than Makenna hoped. Certainly faster than she was prepared for. Though, honestly, there was really no way to prepare for what she had to tell her family.

  They’d exchanged presents. Watched A Christmas Story—because it really wasn’t Christmas without Ralphie wanting a BB gun and shooting his eye out. Helped their dad make their traditional beef tenderloin dinner. And now that they’d eaten and dinner was all cleaned up, Patrick kept giving her that eyebrow.

  If she didn’t say something, he would.

  “Can we all sit in the living room for a minute? I need to tell you guys something,” Makenna finally said, her belly flipping.

  “Is everything okay?” her dad asked, coming around the kitchen island to her.

  “Yeah, but, can we just go sit down?” she asked.

  The guys all gave her strange looks, but everyone followed her in and took seats around the room, Dad and Patrick on either side of her on the couch. The Christmas tree stood in front of the big window and threw off a multi-colored glow from the hundreds of lights strung through its branches. She’d missed decorating it yesterday, the day the James family had decorated its tree for as long as she could remember.

  “What is it, Makenna?” her dad asked.

  Makenna’s heart thundered against her breastbone and a tingly nervousness fluttered through her. “So, I have some news.”

  Beside her, Patrick heaved a deep breath.

  She met his gaze, and then her dad’s, and then Collin’s and Ian’s. “I’m pregnant.” Makenna nearly held her breath waiting for their reaction.

  For a moment, no one said a thing, and then her father moved closer. “Um.” A series of emotions flickered over his face. “A baby is, uh, pretty amazing news, Makenna. But why do I feel like there’s more?”

  She hugged herself and nodded. “Because—”

  “What does Caden have to say about this?” Patrick asked, his expression as serious as a heart attack. His narrowed eyes had her feeling like he’d already pieced this story together. It was the damn police officer in him.

  “He doesn’t know,” she said, giving him a look that pleaded for his support.

  “What?” Ian said.

  “Why not?” Collin asked.

  Everyone started talking at once, and her father hushed them all. “Tell us what’s going on,” he said, taking her hand.

  “Um.” She swallowed around the lump in her throat and fought back the emotion threatening to overwhelm her. “So, we broke up a few weeks ago. I’m not really sure what happened, to be honest. Caden had been really sick and stayed at his house. And then when I saw him after he was better, he just seemed off. He said we were moving too fast for him, and that was it. I’d just found out that I was pregnant and in the midst of everything, I didn’t have a chance to tell him. And then I didn’t want to tell him if that was the thing that would make him come back.”

  His expression full of concern, her father nodded. “How far along are you?”

  “Almost twelve weeks,” she said. “I’m seeing a doctor and everything looks good.”

  “Are you going to tell him?” Collin asked. All three of her brothers wore the same look on their faces—part concerned, part angry, but trying to rein the latter in.

  “Yeah,” she said. “I’m going to invite him to my next ultrasound, which isn’t for over a month.”

  “So, you’re keeping it?” Ian asked. Only the gentleness of his tone kept her from flipping out on him.

  “Of course, I’m keeping it. This is my baby, too.” The one bright spot of certainty in all of this was knowing without question or reservation that she wanted this baby. No matter what, he’d been conceived in love. And she already loved him. And if this was the only part of Caden she got to have, she was holding on tight with both hands. “So, that’s…that’s my news,” she managed.

  “Aw, you’re going to be an amazing mother,” her dad said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “And we’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

  The unconditional support beckoned the tears she’d been holding back. Finally sharing this news with her family took such a weight off her shoulders. “Thanks,” she whispered.

  “And I’m sorry about Caden,” her dad said as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I know this isn’t easy.”

  She gave a quick nod, sniffling. “I’m sorry, too.”

  “Do you want me to talk to him?” Patrick asked, sitting forward next to her.

  “About?” she asked, studying her brother’s face.

  He braced his elbows on his knees. “Just feels like something doesn’t add up, Makenna. The guy I met on Thanksgiving was way into you. Then two weeks later, he’s just up and done?” Patrick shook his head. “Something doesn’t add up. And I’d kind of like to know what it is since Caden’s presumably going to be in your life whether you’re together or not.”

  Makenna was torn, especially since his instincts were on the money. There was more to it. And it had to do with Caden’s history. In saying she deserved more than him, he’d all but laid that out. But his pain felt too private to share with them, even if it would help explain hers. “Let me think about it,” she said, scrubbing at her cheeks. “But I appreciate it.”

  “Okay,” Patrick said, clearly unhappy not to get the go-ahead. “Just say the word.”

  “Dad’s right,” Ian said. “You’re gonna be great, Makenna.”

  “Yeah,” Collin said. “And we’re gonna be the most awesome uncles ever.”

  That set off a round of jokes
and plans for the baby that had Makenna crying again, this time with happy tears. “Thank you,” she said, her cheeks hurting from smiling. “Thank you for being here for me.”

  “That’s what family’s for,” her dad said. “No matter what.”

  “No matter what,” Patrick said, nodding.

  “Absolutely,” Ian said.

  “No matter what, Sis,” Collin said. “Except for changing poopy diapers. That’s all Patrick.”

  Of course, her brothers couldn’t pass up a good opportunity to make jokes about poop, which had them all laughing again. The tension bled out of Makenna’s shoulders as she shook her head at them and laughed along. She was going to be okay, because she had these four amazing men standing at her side.

  But who did Caden have?

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  The new year hadn’t made Caden a new man, but at least he was eating more and showering regularly and basically fucking functioning. Thanks to Joe. And twice-a-week sessions the past three weeks with Dr. Ward. And the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals.

  Most of the time, it felt like he was making a slow climb up a steep mountain carry a big-ass rock on his back, but at least he was climbing. That was a victory in and of itself. And he was working on giving himself some credit. Baby steps, man, that’s what he was all about these days.

  Sitting on the bed in Joe’s guest room, Caden dragged the cardboard box full of unopened mail in front of him. Joe had brought it over from Caden’s house after his shift the evening before. Now that Caden was rocking out all this basic functioning, it was time for him to try to take care of a few other key parts of his life. Like paying his mortgage. And keeping the damn electricity current so his place would have heat. Last thing he needed was to come home from this little sojourn at Chez Flaherty to find his pipes burst and his basement flooded.

  He sorted through the box. Bill, bill, bill. Junk, junk, junk. Magazine, magazine. An invitation to the wedding of one of the guys at the station. More bills, some of them stamped Second Notice. Tons of fucking junk. A Christmas card.