Searching for Beautiful

by Jennifer Probst

  "Guess this gives awkward a whole new meaning," she offered. "You look like you'd rather have a battle with a tarantula."

  A strangled laugh echoed in the air, but he still didn't meet her gaze. "We're definitely on unfamiliar ground. I've never done this before."

  "Had wild sex with a woman?"

  "Had wild sex with my best friend."

  "I'm still your friend," she said quietly.

  He sighed. "I know. But I wonder now if I'll always want more."

  She sucked in her breath. He turned. Gen ached to touch him, smooth the worried frown from his brow, but they needed the distance. "What if you could have more?" Her heart pounded as she threw the words out. An invitation to her heart and soul. No RSVP needed. Just show up and claim. She was so stupid. She so didn't care.

  Slowly, the hope and life drained from his expression, and a bone-numbing grief took hold. "I can't, Gen," he said. His arms lifted in supplication and surrender. "I can't give you what you need."

  "How do you know? Maybe all I need is for you to try."

  "And ruin our friendship? Turn something good into pain and resentment? Because that's what I do well. I can't get close, tell you who I am. I never will. I'm only half a man, and how can that be good enough for you? One day you'll hate me, and we won't be able to go back. If we stop now, we can salvage the good stuff."

  She hated his rationality and the excuses he made without trying. She hated him not wanting to fight for her, for them, for himself. Something terrible had happened to him, and he seemed to accept he'd never get past it. And since he refused to share, it was like fighting a ghost. Loss slumped her shoulders. No. She wouldn't beg anymore for something he didn't want to give her. Never again.

  "How?" she asked. "How do we move forward?"

  He took a step closer. "Let me stay a little longer. Give me a chance to get back to friendship."

  A humorless laugh escaped. "Are you kidding? Living together is what made this whole friendship thing change between us. You have to move out."

  He shook his head stubbornly. "No. I don't trust David not to pull something else. With a restraining order against me, it means he can't get near you while I'm here. I'll give you space, Gen. I'll prove we're meant to be better as friends. I swear."

  She groaned and buried her face in her palms. Ridiculous. All he had to do was walk in the room and she wanted him. Did he really think she could forget the most amazing sex of her life and get back to beer, darts, and being buddies?

  The voice inside her gut screamed, But it's what he needs. Losing her would damage him. Damage her. She couldn't walk away. If they both tried, maybe they could exorcise that one night and change it into something good. A bonding experience. She heard Kate's high-pitched voice yelling in her ear that she was batshit crazy, but what else could she do? If it didn't work out, she'd make him go back to his apartment.

  You want him here. You'd use any excuse to keep him close.

  So what? She'd get over it. Now that she knew there was no way for anything more between them, maybe she'd be able to let it go.

  Lie.

  Leave me alone.

  "And if it doesn't work?"

  His face reflected pure stubborn lines and an implacable determination. "It will. I'll never forget last night. You showed me things that were--" He broke off, but she needed him to finish.

  "Were what?"

  "Special." His lips tightened. "Beautiful."

  Tears clogged her throat. She swallowed past the burn. "But you don't want to try?"

  "No."

  His word exploded like gunfire. She wanted to yell and scream and cry. Shake him, beg him, hit him. Instead, she accepted because she had no other options left.

  "We'll try for another week. Eventually, you need to go home to your real life." Gen ignored his wince, reminding herself he'd been the one to choose the course. "If I'm uncomfortable, you have to promise to leave."

  "I will. I swear I'll make it right."

  She nodded, but he knew she didn't believe him. Not anymore.

  Gen went back to her pastry, but this time she didn't make a sound.

  GEN KNOCKED AND OPENED the door. Kate was muttering to herself, surrounded by files, and her dog, Robert, lay quietly on a worn doggy bed in the corner, sleeping in the sun. At the sight of her, the dog lifted his head and wagged his tail, canine joy vibrating his body as he rose and scrambled over to her for a greeting. His hind legs were paralyzed, but that didn't slow him as he dragged his rear over the floor and threw himself into her arms. She'd seen him fifteen minutes ago, but each time was like the first joyous encounter.

  Gen laughed, bent down, and caught him. Pressing kisses to his head, she allowed his presence to reach deep inside and soothe her. Kate had rescued Robert years ago when she found him on the side of the road, run over twice by a car. His back legs had been smashed. With Kate's usual stubbornness and all-encompassing love for creatures big and small, she'd committed to his operation and healing, and now had a companion for life.

  Besides Slade, of course.

  Gen had seen Slade with the dog, and a tight bond had been formed between them. The path might have been rocky, but now it was as if they were an adopted family. Seeing Kate settled and happy made everything worth it.

  "Do you want me to take him for a walk? You have his scooter here, right?" Gen asked, rubbing the sweet spot between his ears. He gave a doggy moan of ecstasy.

  Kate sighed. "Thanks, but he's good for a while. My sitter couldn't come today so I figured I'd give him a treat and take him with me. Slade has court so he won't be home till late."

  "Sounds good. You look stressed. Anything I can help with?"

  "You've already been saving my ass. Thank God for brilliant surgeons who turn to matchmaking. Hey, you want to shadow Kennedy tonight at the Purple Haze? There's a mixer and you can learn the ropes."

  "Sure. I have nothing else going on." The thought of Wolfe trying to reinforce their friendship when she only craved to jump his bones was a bit complicated. Better to get home late.

  Gen rose to her feet, wincing at the soreness lingering between her thighs, and turned.

  "Holy. Shit."

  She whirled back around. "What's the matter?"

  Kate's gaze sharpened, sweeping past her figure. "Why are you wearing a scarf today, Gen?"

  Her mouth fell open. The bright pink silk was light, fun, and covered the array of hickeys on her neck. Her heart pounded wildly but she tried to be cool. "Thought it looked good with the outfit. Why? You have a rule against scarves?"

  The joke fell flat. "Take it off. I want to see something."

  She forced a laugh. "No. It's hard to tie it correctly."

  "You had sex! Why didn't you tell me the truth? I know you decided not to see Charles anymore, but I had no idea it was because you slept with him. How was it? Bad? Good? Medium? Do you regret it? Are you happy? Did you have an orgasm?"

  The questions peppered her faster than a machine gun. Crap. She'd been so close to escape. After dodging Kate's texts on Sunday, she marched into her office this morning to tell her all about the date. Gen stuck to the main truth, saying the date had been good but they both decided not to pursue a relationship. Her friend took the news good-naturedly, telling her over and over that finding the right match took patience, time, and effort.

  Now she thought they'd screwed each other.

  "Umm, Charles and I didn't have sex."

  Kate blinked. Studied her hard. "Wait a minute. I know you're hiding evidence under that scarf. You've been walking funny all day, but I thought it was the shoes. Even your lips have that pouty look that says you've been sucking on something for a long time. I know you had sex, I feel it!"

  Why did Kate have to be so damn perceptive? Should she lie? She played the privacy card as a last resort. "Kate, please don't ask me any questions. I'm not ready to discuss my personal business, and I'd appreciate it if you give me some time and space and I'll give you more information when I'm ready
."

  Perfect. Textbook. Even Kate couldn't deny her.

  Her friend picked up the phone and punched out numbers. "Kennedy? Get in here pronto. And get Arilyn. I'm with Gen and she had sex and she won't tell me details. Yes, of course we need the Baileys!"

  Kate crossed her arms in front of her chest, leaned back in the leather chair, and glared. "Why don't you try repeating that bullshit again?"

  Gen closed her eyes in defeat.

  The door flew open. Kennedy held four bottles of miniature Baileys in her manicured hands. Her high heels clicked confidently over the floor, and her Donna Karan chocolate-colored suit screamed professional elegance. Arilyn trailed behind her in yoga pants, a soft cream tunic, and her long strawberry hair pulled back in a braid. She looked about twelve.

  Robert claimed his affection by both women, then slid back over to his bed to nap.

  Kennedy handed everyone a bottle, slid into the purple cushioned chair to Kate's right, crossed her legs, and twisted open the cap.

  "Who'd you have sex with, Gen?"

  Arilyn shook her head and sighed. "Kennedy, give her some time to feel comfortable and open up. You're scaring her."

  Kennedy snorted. "She's a doctor. She doesn't scare easy. She's also lying to us, which is a big no-no."

  "You lied to us," Arilyn pointed out. "Remember when you were dating Nate and refused to admit your feelings for him?"

  Kennedy waved her hand in the air. "Doesn't count. I was lying to myself, not you guys. Who'd you have sex with, Gen?"

  It was over. Might as well admit defeat.

  Gen opened the bottle, took a long drink of Baileys, and embraced the stinging heat as it hit her belly.

  "I slept with Wolfe."

  Kate sputtered into a coughing fit. Kennedy's eyes widened with admiration. Arilyn gasped.

  Silence settled over the room. The three of them took big slugs from their bottles, then settled.

  "I didn't see that coming," Kate admitted. "I mean, I suspected you guys were hot for each other for a while, but I thought you were doing the friend thing."

  "Is that why you're wearing the scarf?" Kennedy asked. "To hide the evidence?"

  "Yep."

  "Damn, girl. Was it amazing?"

  Gen collapsed into the last empty chair and slumped down. "Yes. More amazing then you can ever imagine."

  "I always knew you two would burn up the bedroom," Kennedy commented. "My main problem is your face. Why do you look miserable?"

  Arilyn reached out and took her hand. "Honey, what happened? You should be giddy and over the moon."

  "It was a night I'll never forget," she murmured. "I felt as if we were one. Completely bonded, and so deep inside each other we'd never be whole without the other."

  Kate sighed. "I know that feeling."

  "Best feeling in the world," Kennedy agreed.

  Arilyn remained silent.

  "But then morning came."

  "Fucking dawn screws up everything," Kennedy growled, taking another sip of liquor. "Did he get spooked?"

  "Majorly. Explained he didn't want to ruin our friendship and that he could never be in a committed relationship. Said he was broken and he'd end up hurting me."

  Kate shook her head. "Sounds like Kennedy when she fell for Nate."

  "Shut up, Kate. I came to my senses. Sounds to me like Slade and all his crap about divorce and oxytocin."

  Kate stuck out her tongue.

  Gen laughed, loving the way serious talk was always mixed with the wretched humor life threw at them. "He'll never tell me about his past. I know it's bad. How can I force him into a relationship he doesn't want? And what about our friendship? I don't want to lose him either. The whole thing is a mess. Stupid sex. Stupid fifteen orgasms."

  Arilyn gasped. "Fifteen?"

  "Holy shit," Kennedy whispered.

  "No wonder you're walking funny," Kate said. "These men keep upping the ante, don't they?"

  "Why does sex have to complicate everything?" Gen groaned.

  "Because it feels too good not to have to pay," Kennedy said. "Do we have a plan of action? What do you want?"

  Frustration and helplessness warred. Both won. "Doesn't matter. I need to deal with reality. I told Wolfe to move out, but he refused, swearing he'll get us back on the ground of friendship."

  Arilyn murmured in sympathy. Kate told the truth. "Men are brain-dead, sometimes. Each time you look at each other you'll be thinking of sex. Slade and I tried to ignore our attraction for a long time, but eventually we broke."

  "Yep. It's When Harry Met Sally all over again. Once you do the dirty deed, friendship takes a backseat," Kennedy quipped.

  Gen glared. "Not making me feel better about this, guys."

  Arilyn smiled and patted her hand. "Maybe he needs some time. I've found confronting men and demanding certain things make them defensive. But if you just continue as is, living with each other, dealing with the sexual tension, eventually he'll break. Drag you into bed. The body is weak, especially a man's penis. After enough times of sleeping together, you'll just fall into a relationship without needing to speak of it or define it."

  They all stared at Arilyn. Since she refused to talk about her on-again, off-again relationship with her yoga teacher, refusing to even name him, any nugget of information was gold.

  "Like Yoga Dude?" Kate asked.

  Arilyn shut down. "Just a general observation," she muttered, lapsing back into silence.

  Kate and Kennedy sighed in defeat.

  "He's using David as an excuse to stay close, but I don't think I'm in any danger. David has probably moved on, and there's been no contact since the night at the station."

  "He never pressed charges against Wolfe?" Arilyn asked.

  "No. The restraining order is still valid but he dropped assault charges. Probably knew the truth would come out in court."

  "Asshole," Kennedy said. "I still don't trust him. Abusers retreat only when they have a plan in place, and if he still wants you, he's coming back."

  Gen shivered. She knew Kennedy didn't mean to scare her, and it was a fair warning, but another reason she could never go back to the hospital was David. Just seeing his face brought the past roaring back. The way she'd become weaker and slipped away day by day. The control and abuse he finely wielded like a weapon, hiding it from everyone. She hated the woman she'd been during their relationship, but finally recognized she'd been strong enough to run when she could. How much better she understood now women who stayed. She remembered how badly David wanted to begin having children quickly. She would've been trapped in a nightmare, like so many others out there. Goose bumps broke out on her arms and her heart ached for strangers she didn't know but finally understood. Strong women. Independent women. Smart women.

  "I'm still being careful," she said. "I just don't like Wolfe using it as an excuse."

  "Hmm. Well, you have a few options. You can insist he leave and then deal with the fallout. You can allow him to stay and see how your relationship evolves. Or you can greet him when he gets home bare-assed naked with a smile. He wouldn't last three seconds."

  Gen laughed at Kate's speech and finished up her Baileys. "All good options. I'll have to think. Maybe see where the week leads."

  "Has your family come around? I know David manipulated them big-time."

  Gen nodded. "I've been spending more time with them. Being honest is hard. I was so embarrassed and hid so much it was easy for David to spin his own tales. But Alexa and Mom support my decision, and even Dad is slowly coming around. Izzy said I did the right thing. Actually called me brave."

  "You are. We're all here for you," Kate said. "You'll never be alone again. And when there's man trouble, best friends are the key."

  Emotion clogged her throat. The other girls nodded, and Gen felt embraced by bonds as strong as family, because of the choice they made to be together. Sometimes choice was stronger than blood.

  "Thanks. Love you guys."

  Kennedy rolled her eyes. "Let'
s get the group hug over with so we can get back to work."

  Robert barked.

  Laughing, they all hugged in a circle, and for the first time, Gen felt hopeful. She'd keep an open mind and heart and see how things went. She'd never stop loving Wolfe, but if it was possible to sustain a friendship, she'd try anything.

  twenty-two

  WOLFE GLANCED AROUND and double-checked the setup. A case of Sam Adams. Bacon cheeseburgers and fries from Mugs. A carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Stack of DVDs on the table, ready to fire up. Scrabble board.

  Yes. He was covered. Everything screamed all of their favorite things to do together as friends. Best buds. He wouldn't have any sexual thoughts, even if she wore something ridiculously skimpy. He already had the photo of pregnant nuns paused in his brain, ready to fire at the first sign of arousal.

  He could do this. He had to convince her they could be friends again or he'd lose her completely.

  Wasn't an option.

  She came through the door looking tired. Her hair was pinned back and loose waves escaped and framed her cheeks. The sun made her freckles stand out more, a cute smattering over her nose. Her lipstick had worn off, showing the natural pink of her lips. Her petite, lush frame was wrapped in a short denim dress that flirted above her knees and flattered her hourglass body. She kicked off her beaded flats, threw her purse down, and tore the clip from her hair.

  "I'm tired and cranky and you'd better not ask what's for dinner."

  She was magnificent.

  He grinned and got to work grabbing the plates and serving an ice-cold beer. "Got takeout so we didn't have to worry. Why don't you put on some sweats and I'll have this ready?"

  She grunted her approval, taking a deep sniff of the burgers, and trudged into the bedroom.

  He had everything ready when she popped back out in yoga pants and a purple tank top with the Kinnections logo on it. Her feet were bare and he caught the flash of bubble gum toenails. Remembered how her toes would curl under when he hit one of her sensitive areas, especially when his mouth was--

  No. Focus. Nuns.

  He breathed and motioned her to sit. "All ready. Shit day?"

  She took a big bite of the burger and whimpered. "So good. Nah, just tired. I didn't get much sleep."

  The words flew from her mouth like a cannon shot. Their gazes crashed together, remembering the reason they hadn't slept, and Wolfe cleared his throat, breaking the connection. "Uh, yeah. Anything new and exciting going on with Kinnections?" That should be a safe subject.