Meeting Destiny (Destiny Series)

by Nancy Straight

  “It’s my job, Lauren. I’m glad we were the ones on the scene.” He was just as nervous as I was. I could hear it in his voice. Why was he so nervous? Max wasn’t the one with crazy dreams about destiny, and his heart hadn’t stopped when he met me. I must be imagining it, projecting my emotions onto him to better justify them to myself.

  My heart rate began to climb again: it hit 122 as I again clutched his hand, feeling the same electric pulse race through me. I had to take a deep breath to steady myself. I was thankful that I was lying down, confident that if I had been standing, I would have lost my balance. “I can’t explain it, but I know I’m not going to be able to keep my heart from racing again.” A little nervous and fearing rejection, I asked, “I’m a little spent. I’m really glad you came to see me, and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind meeting me outside of the hospital? Nothing major, I just have weird memories from last night and wanted to talk to you about them.” There, I had said it and didn’t sound like a freak, just someone who had gone through a traumatic experience looking for some answers.

  There was a notable pause as he stumbled on his answer, “Lauren, I really . . . I’m not sure if . . . Maybe it would be better . . .” He trailed off and I was sure he was trying to find a nice way of saying no thanks. His tone was dismissive, but my stare never wavered.

  Not wanting to let him off the hook, I asked with a little more urgency, “Max, it’s important to me.” My eyes were pleading and my hand held his tighter. “The doctor says I’ll be out in a couple days, and I really want to see you, even if only for a couple minutes.”

  His expression gave him away and I felt like he was, what? Happy, maybe, to be put on the spot? “Lauren, I’d like to see you again. It’s just that I came here earlier and I thought, well, I was under the impression . . . Never mind . . . Yes, yes, I’ll call you.” I wasn’t convinced with his hesitation that he really wanted to see me again. Not wanting to take a chance, I added, “Would you mind putting your phone number on the back of this card. I’d hate to have to take another bullet to try to find you again.” I pulled the note card from the closest flower arrangement and handed it to him.

  He smiled more broadly than before and reached into his pocket and took out a business card, “Here, this has all my numbers.” He had an odd expression, which I couldn’t place. I was worried he was going to bolt out of the room when he remarked, “I talked to Doctor Gracie this morning after he had to stabilize your heart. He said he was planning to run some more tests in the next couple days. Did he say when he thought he’d release you?”

  He tucked the card behind the card from Melissa on the holder in the flower arrangement. I was thankful that he did because it was where I could easily reach it, yet it was hidden enough that I wouldn’t have to explain to anyone why I had it.

  “He just told me that if things keep going well, maybe two more days.”

  “I’m glad you’re going to call me, but do you mind if I stop back while you’re here? I’m normally at Saint Joe’s at least once a night and could pop in and see if you need anything?”

  I managed to get out, “I’d like that.”

  “I’d better go. I am really glad you’re okay. You’ve got all my numbers. Call me anytime… day or night . . . even if . . . well, call me whenever you want.” He squeezed my hand one final time and shot me another huge smile, then turned and walked away. He paused at the doorway just for a moment and turned back to look at me. “Lauren . . . I’m glad you’re doing so well. I’m sure this isn’t the most appropriate time to ask, but when you feel up to it and want to get together, maybe we could go out for dinner or something?”

  I managed to smile but could think of nothing clever to say. “I’d like that.”

  “Great! I mean . . . I’m really glad that you . . . never mind,” his face looked squarely at the floor. “I’ll stop by tonight if I have a run to the hospital. I need to get home and catch some zees.” He was blushing as he stepped out the door.

  I looked at the monitor: it was at 123, but slowly descending to normal. The next several hours were a flurry of doctors, nurses, and visitors. By the time visiting hours were over, I was completely exhausted and yearning for sleep.

  Dad had been out of town on a business trip but flew in late in the afternoon. I was glad to see him, but my mind was still preoccupied with meeting Max. After he’d checked his phone for messages and wore a particularly urgent expression, I told him, “It’s fine Dad. Mom and Seth are here. I’m okay. You don’t need to stay here.”

  He smiled, “It’s nothing that can’t wait a couple days.” He was a liar - a worse liar than I was.

  “Dad, it’s fine. I’m glad you came to check on me, but you don’t have to hang out. Go do what you’ve gotta do.” He was up for some big promotion at work; I didn’t want to put it in jeopardy, and the four of us were running out of things to talk about.

  Mom stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek, “Go home and get some sleep. You look like hell.”

  He winked at her, but didn’t argue. “All right, I know when I’m not wanted. Call if you need anything, Lauren.”

  For the next few hours Mom and Seth took turns getting coffee, changing channels on the television, reading the paper. The two were making me nervous sitting there. By nine p.m. I couldn’t take it anymore, “You both look worn out. I’m just going to be sleeping anyway, so why don’t you two go home and get some rest and come back tomorrow. If I need anything, the nurses are just a few feet away.”

  Reluctantly and after a great deal of prodding, they both decided they would go home for a few hours but promised to be back before breakfast. The nurses came back through at least once an hour, charting my vitals, refilling my water pitcher, checking all the gauges. My body was stiff from lying still for so long, so I asked the nurse if I could get out of bed for a little bit.

  “Sorry, Lauren, no activity for twenty-four hours. Your leg was all but shattered, and the swelling needs to go down from the surgery. We have to keep your leg immobile and raised above your heart to keep the swelling down, or you will never get out of here. Putting any pressure on it right now is not a good idea. Just sit tight and you’ll be mobile again soon.” She dimmed the lights in my room and walked toward the door, “I won’t be back until midnight to check on you again unless you call me. Do you need anything before I go?” I assured her I was fine.

  Once I was alone in my room, I looked at the flower arrangement with Max’s card sticking out - begging me to pick it up.

  Chapter Five

  I stared at the phone. This was the first time I had been alone all day. What was Max doing? It wouldn’t be too desperate to just call and say hi, would it? I reached for his card. He hadn’t been kidding; the card had his home number, work number, and cell. If I got him on the phone, what would I say? Let’s see, probably stay away from the whole, “I saw you in a dream” topic, and try not to mention that every time he’s near me my heart starts pumping in overdrive. I should avoid talking about Seth.

  Seth. As I stared at the phone, this call seemed like a huge betrayal. Seth was a great friend - my best friend for as long as I could remember. I had to admit that earlier today, for the first time ever, I almost believed there could be something more between Seth and me. I knew there was a reaction in me, but I dismissed it. I’d never felt that way about him. I knew I couldn’t ever feel that way about him. He had taken me by surprise by what he’d said: that was the reaction I’d had to Seth’s words - surprise. I looked at Max’s card again and couldn’t help but feel guilty.

  My mind wandered to Max again. After all these years, finding out that my dream was really more than a dream was too enticing a prospect. It wasn’t like Max and I had an official date planned, just a dinner. He saved my life; of course, I would want to get together with him to say thanks. Anyone in the same situation would want to talk to the person who was responsible for a second chance at life. It wasn’t like I was cheating on Seth or anything. A phone call to say
hello couldn’t possibly be a betrayal of Seth.

  Who was I trying to convince? I couldn’t even be within ten feet of Max without my heart trying to race out of my chest. When Max was near me, I felt like he was supposed to be there. Forgetting how he made my mind spin and my heart race - there was a physical draw. That heart monitor flying into a rapid alarm mode was embarrassing enough, but when our hands touched, I know I felt an electric shock. That surge of electricity couldn’t possibly be a normal attraction, but was it just me or did he feel it, too?

  I picked up the phone. I dialed Max’s home number, and after the fourth ring his message played, “Hello, Max and Missy are busy. Leave a message, and if we like you, we’ll call you back….beeeeeep.”

  I was shocked by the message and didn’t know what to say. I could only get out, “I, uh, was calling for . . . Max . . . ” I hung up abruptly. What was I thinking? He had a girlfriend and she lived with him! How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking? Max and Missy, well, wasn’t that cute? Why would he give me his home number? He wasn’t brave enough to tell me to my face that he couldn’t see me, so he took the easy way out and let me find out on my own. I’m such an idiot.

  I had never been gullible my whole life. Why hadn’t I realized? I thought back to our conversation and his hesitation was obvious. I hadn’t even considered his hesitation to be the result of a girl in his life. What was I thinking? Of course, he had a girlfriend. He was gorgeous. He had an exciting job. Why would I think he was available?

  I buried my head in my pillow, sure that Missy would hear the message and know what a jerk Max really was. Served him right. He should have just told me he was spoken for and that I didn’t have a chance.

  Then a thought occurred to me. What was I so upset about? Hadn’t Seth been with me nearly every minute since I got here? Seth put himself out there with his feelings for me loud and clear. Here I was sneaking around, and that answering machine was exactly the wake-up call I needed.

  It would be pretty easy to float effortlessly through life with Seth. He was intelligent, with an enormous heart, and he would do anything for me. I couldn’t say that for anyone else I’d ever met.

  Then reality set back in, and I reminded myself that I’d never felt any kind of passion for Seth. What was that crazy country song? “You can lead a heart to love, but you can’t make it fall.” I never realized that I would feel the poetic irony of that song. Seth and I had always been so comfortable with one another, like we were a matched set. Why couldn’t I make myself want him?

  My anger subsided a little. Why should I be upset about Max’s girlfriend? I wasn’t exactly unattached, and I wouldn’t hurt Seth for any amount of money. The only secret I had ever kept from him was my Destiny dream. Good riddance, Max, and I tossed his card with all his information into the trash.

  I fell into a restless sleep. Had I been in my own bed, I would have tossed and turned for hours. As it was, with all these tubes and wires connecting me to more monitors than I thought possible, movement was restrictive. I lay silent, immobile and restlessly asleep. My dreams haunted me throughout the night, full of seafoam green eyes, handguns, and old Army jackets. I don’t remember what woke me up, whether it was a noise or I felt as though eyes were watching me. I startled awake to see Seth sitting silently in the chair. He was looking blankly at the wall, no sound other than his breathing.

  Seeing him sitting silently in my room made me smile; that was my Seth. I had no idea what time it was, but was sure it was way before breakfast. “Don’t you ever sleep?” My voice startled him for a second, and just like earlier in the day, he was up in one fluid motion at my side. I noticed that his eyes weren’t as swollen as the last time I saw him. There were dark circles under them, but the white surrounding his irises had lost most of the bright red that had been so evident earlier.

  He looked behind him and used his leg to scoot the chair he had been sitting in so it was flush with my bed. Seth had a hopeful look, “I have an idea I want to try, okay?”

  I had no idea what he was about to do. There really weren’t that many possibilities, so I didn’t protest. He pushed a button next to the nurse’s call button on the bed’s remote control, and the bed lowered. After a full minute, it looked like the bed was nearly all the way on the floor. He moved his chair so that it was flush against my bed - positioned so that we were facing each other, the chair only slightly lower than the bed. He lowered the bed rail so that it was completely out of the way. He sat in his chair then gently laid his head on me.

  Still angry with myself and the whole Max situation, I guiltily tried to make light of Seth’s affection. “I never knew I looked like such a big fluffy pillow lying here in bed.” He opened his eyes, his mood was somber, and he didn’t give me even a hint of a smile. He rotated his head so his face was firmly planted on my abdomen. I couldn’t see his eyes.

  I felt him press his face into my stomach. It felt like silent sobs erupting against my stomach, but he said nothing and remained planted against me. I brought both my hands to his head, carefully running my fingers through his hair. Uncertain what to say, I murmured, “Really Seth, I’m fine…I’m going to be fine.” He stretched both arms around me and hugged me tight, tighter than was comfortable, but I didn’t tell him to stop. It began to be difficult to breath, but I didn’t tell him to let go. After a few minutes, I could feel that his emotional implosion had run its course. He took a few deep breaths and rotated his head so he was able to look at me.

  My arms were still loosely around him, and my fingertips gently caressed his neck. I felt the need to comfort him, to tell him I was fine. I wished we could go back to normal – closest of friends. Every other girl I knew would kill to have Seth’s heart. I willed myself to smile, but inside I knew the truth: I would never feel the draw to Seth that I had felt for an almost perfect stranger - Max.

  Sharing this epiphany with Seth would shatter him. Finally he broke the silence, “Lauren, what are you feeling?” It seemed an odd question. Since obviously I had pain medication coursing through my veins, what was he expecting me to say? I hoped he was asking about the feeling in my leg, the pressure on my diaphragm from his head, or the maze of tubes protruding from both arms. He repeated his question, “I really want to know, what are you feeling?”

  “Well, the nurses are keeping me pretty well drugged. I can feel a pressure sensation on my leg, but I wouldn’t say it’s even remotely close to pain. More like when someone kicks you in the shin one day and the next day when you are walking you can feel a tightness at that spot, but not exactly pain. I’m just anxious to get up and walk around.” I saw his wounded expression and knew my answer was way off the mark.

  “No” I heard a bit of shakiness in his voice, “I was asking about how are you feeling . . . about me. I’m not stupid. I know you’ve never felt . . . but I need to know if you feel anything.” He held his finger to my lips just briefly so he could continue without an interruption from me. “Lauren, my whole life, from the time I knew what a friend was, you were mine. Over the years you have grown from my closest friend to my entire life. When I got the call Thursday, I nearly ran two cars off the road to get to the hospital to be with you. I was in the waiting room when a nurse told us they had to restart your heart. I realized in that moment that all those years I had just assumed you knew how I felt, how deeply a part of me you were, but I had never told you. I never made you listen. I’m not as articulate as I’d like to be, and I can’t make myself sound like some romance novel, but I’ve done everything I can think of, and I feel like maybe you still don’t feel the same, maybe you will never feel the same.”

  He looked away from me briefly, as if the wall behind me was somehow interesting. I was speechless. “Lauren, if you don’t feel the same, I’m okay with that. I just need to know how you feel. I love you enough for both of us, but I just need you to tell me how you feel about me.”

  My eyes were completely clouded over; I tried to speak but nothing came out. I used a dry
patch of my blanket to wipe the moisture from my cheeks and take a deep breath. The silence seemed to last forever, while the monitors slowly hummed along and the beeps from my heart monitor beeped without a change. Seth hugged my body hard again, and I could tell he had interpreted my silence correctly. He knew I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

  I used all the strength in my arm to lift his chin, so he was forced to look at me. “I love you, I always have. Until today, I didn’t know how deeply you cared. I guess I thought you considered me closer to your sister than your . . . ” I couldn’t finish it - girlfriend, lover? “I can’t describe how I feel, because until the accident I thought we were both kind of resolved that we were a couple because it was convenient. It makes Gwen happy, it makes Mom happy, there’s no one on earth I’d rather spend time with, so it was okay, logical even to be a couple.”

  Seth could see exactly where this was going and cut me off. “It’s never been out of convenience.”

  My voice was still shaky, but this was a conversation we needed to have. “You’re right, but do you really think of me that way? I think my accident scared you and somehow now you think the only way to heal me is to change our relationship around. I’m not sure I want that.”

  “I’ve always worried that you just stayed with me because it was comfortable, and I’m not stupid enough to believe that you will ever have a passionate desire to be with me. I’d like to think that maybe I was missing something, and you do feel that way about me, you just aren’t ready for that next step.”

  “Seth, I…” I had no idea what I could say. He knew I didn’t feel the same, and he must have been waiting for me to say it. “I do love you. I am not ready for that next step. It really isn’t you, I’m not ready for the next step with anyone.” Great, the it’s not you, it’s me speech. Until I heard Max’s answering machine a few hours ago, I had myself convinced that I was ready for a next step – just not with Seth.