She picked up the screen. “Hey.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. So, a friend of mine actually just came over. I didn’t know she was coming, but I think we’re going to watch the rest of the show together,” Jolie said tentatively.
“Oh.” Ana paused. “That’s great. I should really be sleeping now anyway, so it’s really no problem at all,” she rambled.
Jolie noted the drop in Ana’s confidence and was secretly glad she seemed jealous.
“Can I ask who it is, though? I’m just curious who would come all the way out there at this time of night,” Ana said nonchalantly.
“It’s Karlee.” Jolie knew as soon as she said it that she should have lied.
Ana’s face fell. “Right. Great. Well, have fun. If you want to reach me in the next two weeks, you know how. Bye, Jo.”
Ana signed off immediately, and Jolie stood there trying not to cry.
“Hey, are you ready for me now?” Karlee called boisterously from around the house.
“You can come around,” Jolie yelled back with little enthusiasm, her voice catching in her throat. As Karlee made her way around and bent to lay the blanket out, Jolie blurted, “I’m not sleeping with you. Just so you know. We’re just watching the meteor shower.”
Karlee reeled. “Well, that was a little presumptuous, don’t you think?”
“Don’t try to tell me that wasn’t on your mind.”
Karlee sat on the blanket. “Okay, I won’t tell you it didn’t occur to me. Although I don’t see what the big deal is. We’ve already done it. What’s one more time?”
Jolie knelt beside her. “Why do you settle for that? Why not find someone who’s actually available and wants to be with you, and go sleep with them?”
“Last I checked, you were actually available. Maybe that’s changed? And you came on to me in Nova’s room. Anyway, I don’t have time to date, and honestly, it’s more fun for me this way. I get that new hookup feeling every time.” She winked and ran a finger over Jolie’s hand. “Seriously, though, look at all the shit you’re going through with this girl. It’s because you’re trying to make it more than it has to be. Embrace the hookup.”
“You don’t understand. It is more. I mean, it was more than that. We were in love.” Jolie looked away. She felt ridiculous admitting this to Karlee, whose views on love were clearly more pessimistic.
“But it seems like that’s over now. You have to pick up and move on, not talk to her like you’re old friends or something. You broke up, right?”
Jolie shook her head. “God, you’ve been spending too much time with Nova. Is she feeding you this through an earpiece?”
Karlee simply smiled and put her arm around Jolie. They sat silently for a while, watching the sky. Eventually, Jolie settled in and began to enjoy her company. Karlee nodded off around midnight, and Jolie practically carried her inside.
“Here, you can sleep on the couch.” She deposited Karlee in the living room and handed her a blanket. She watched Karlee’s breathing even out, and was glad to have a guest. It brought some life back to the house.
Once Jolie got to her room, she crawled into bed and read Ana’s message again. It made her giddy to know that Ana was thinking of her, even though she knew she was giving in to false hope. She reached over and pulled a piece of paper out of a drawer in her desk. She hadn’t looked at it in two weeks, but tonight she allowed herself. It was a drawing of Ana, naked and peacefully lying on the couch. She’d drawn it from detailed memories of Ana’s curves and edges one morning by the river. She meant to give it to her as a present, a token of her love. Now Jolie regarded it in a different light. This image was an ordinary moment in an extraordinary life. It was meant to be saved and framed, and someday sent to an archive to mark this small moment in history. It was a reminder of her place in Ana’s past, and not her future. She tucked it into the ceiling of her bed pod so that when she opened her eyes in the morning, she’d remember everything.
Jolie vowed right then to do her part to make Ana’s next few weeks as drama free as possible. No distractions, no calls, no messages. No trace of herself when Ana returned.
Chapter Twenty-four
“Martine, I love it.” Ana clapped her hands together as Martine brought her into the finished laboratory pod. “This is incredible. I see you improved on the design since we saw it last.”
“Of course. Do you think I would sit around for two years and not make changes? This is a work in progress. I will make it better yet, up there.” She flicked her eyes to the ceiling, and Ana knew she was looking far beyond their camp.
“Thank you. You’re an amazing architect.” Ana touched her arm and Martine smiled. “Hey, where’s Liv? I figured she’d be eating breakfast with us this morning.”
“She is with Luke right now. I think they are sleeping together.”
“Doesn’t that bother you?” Ana knew that Liv and Martine had both been involved with others, and, eventually, many of the crew members would pair up, but she couldn’t wrap her head around her own jealousy toward Karlee. She didn’t want to think about the guilty look Jolie had given her the other night after Karlee had interrupted them, or what may have happened afterward.
“Oh, no, she can do what she likes,” Martine said. “Besides, you think he is a better lover than I am?”
“Point taken. Well, we’re almost done with this place and onto the real thing. How do you think it went?” Ana asked as she sat on her newly constructed bench in a laboratory she probably wouldn’t use more than a handful of times. At least it would be here for the next crew that would begin training almost immediately after they left. Ana hadn’t met them, but she knew they were a group of young adults similar in makeup to their crew.
“I think you should tell me what is going on with you. This whole time, you don’t seem yourself, and you brush it off when I ask you. We can’t leave like this, with you pining over someone. You don’t talk to anyone about it, you go crazy.” Martine leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. “So?”
“It’s nothing, really. It’s over. I made the mistake of falling in love with someone who isn’t part of this mission. Before I left, it ended. There was no other option.” Saying the words out loud forced Ana to realize how untrue they were. Being over Jolie would take far longer than a few weeks.
Martine cocked an eyebrow. “You would have ended it if you weren’t going to Mars?”
Ana sighed and let her head fall back against the wall. “No, but I guess we all have to make sacrifices.”
Martine laughed. “Yes, well that is the hard part. I had to leave behind some lovers because of this. I have Liv now, and she is the best parts of every one of them.”
“I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m a little jealous of you two.”
Martine sat down on the bench beside Ana. “You know, we worry about you. You have a job to do, that is for sure. But you also need another outlet. You cannot work all the time. You need to relax somehow. The question is, will your feelings for this girl mean you cannot love someone else?”
Ana looked into Martine’s eyes. “I don’t know.”
“Think hard. If you will spend the rest of your life pining for her, will it be worth it to leave?”
Congratulations, you just hit on the million dollar question, Ana thought. When she couldn’t answer, Martine left quietly, closing the door behind her.
Ana didn’t emerge from the lab until hours later. She had immersed herself in isolating a protein that could be made into a lotion that would help their skin retain water in case their humidifier malfunctioned. This project might not yield results for months, but she needed a reason to be by herself. Over computer analysis of each genome, and between targeting sequences that would prove useful to express, she thought of Jolie. She thought of being with her, and not being with her, and the uncrossable chasm between the two. Martine was right, she would be unfit to continue if she couldn’t get Jolie out of her mind. She’d j
ust have to try harder.
At the debrief that night, Liv and Luke sat close to each other, occasionally sneaking sidelong glances, while Martine kept near Ana. The rest of the crew either hadn’t formed any lasting intimate relationships, or weren’t interested in making those known. Udeme started the conversation by explaining the upgrades she had made to the wireless network that ran through almost every object in the base.
“I wrote a program that will allow us to control the temperature and humidity in each pod with any wall or pocket screen by using a series of swipe motions.” She took out her screen and, in three movements of her fingers, turned on the compressor in the main room. “See? Simple.”
A chorus of praise echoed through the room. “Nicely done, mate. Can you send me the code for that? I’d like to take a look,” Luke said. Udeme nodded. Luke continued, “I’ll go next. I’ve been mapping out the contingency plans if we have to land farther than one and a half kilometers from base camp. I’ll share them when I’m through, probably when we’re home.” He nodded in satisfaction and ran a hand through his floppy blond hair.
The team finished their updates quickly, and it was Ana’s turn to lead a self-improvement discussion. Liv had termed them “fireside chats,” to everyone’s amusement. Not only was fire dangerous to their compressed oxygen systems, the room was far from cozy, its shiny, sterile white walls forming a circular barrier around them.
“Since we’re almost done with our time here, I thought we should talk about regrets. Martine, do you want to start?”
“I have none. I have lived well, and will continue to live well with my best friends and my love.” She focused squarely on Liv, who blushed and smiled back. “I cannot imagine a life without this in it. Ana? I will pass the baton to you.”
Ana gave her a withering look, then turned to the group. “Okay. You may have noticed that I haven’t been as present as I should be. I won’t go into the details, but I will tell you that I’m coming to terms with a relationship that ended. It was my first relationship, and I made the mistake of falling in love.” She spoke matter-of-factly and nodded to commute the conversation to Luke.
“Wait. You didn’t talk about regret,” Martine said.
“Oh. Well, I regret not being able to have that relationship in my life going forward.”
“You don’t regret letting yourself fall in love with a civilian?” Carlos asked.
“As you may imagine, I didn’t exactly plan on it. And no,” she said pointedly. “I don’t regret falling in love.” She wasn’t sure where Carlos’s attitude was coming from, but she hoped that would shut it down.
To her annoyance, he continued. “I can’t imagine a scenario where it doesn’t affect the mission. How will you move past this? I do not think it is fair to the rest of us to be distracted. How will you be able to focus on your job in a few weeks when any distraction could cost us our lives?”
Ana cleared her throat. She didn’t know what to say. Carlos wasn’t wrong. Her main focus should be on making sure they all landed safely on Mars. “I can’t really answer that, because I don’t know. But I give you my word that I’ll put the safety of this group before myself. I always have, and I’ll continue to.” Except when you got yourself a roommate. Except when you kissed her and then fell in love with her, she thought. She felt her temperature rising and quickly asked Luke to continue. As he discussed leaving his family behind, she avoided looking directly at Carlos’s cold, hard stare from across the circle.
“I am proud of you, owning up to your feelings,” Martine said later, as they retired for the night. She reclined on Ana’s small bed and closed her eyes. She wore the standard-issue white antibacterial suit that would comprise her entire wardrobe on Mars. From her chair, Ana could see the outline of her breasts as the fabric draped over them. She let the view stir her, hoping she could prove to herself that future relationships were a possibility.
“Thank you. Especially for the talk earlier. I think it’s just easier to stay the course, and do my best to get over Jolie. I hope she’s not home when I get there. That would make things more difficult.” Ana leaned her elbows on her knees. “I know that no matter what I do, in a four-dimensional universe, I’ve already made those choices anyway. I just wish I could travel through time and see how I did it. Anyway, it’s no use trying to imagine things being different.”
“What’s done is done, you are right. In the grand scheme of the universe, it’s completely inconsequential. Humans are pawns. Inefficient, disgusting, crude. But we have a job to do. I can only hope that someday, something better and more evolved will come along and do it better.” She paused for dramatic effect. “In the meantime though, I’m going to do my best, as a lowly human.”
“When did you become so dark? I always thought of it as making a better society, a better life for humanity. And if we die trying…” Ana looked at Martine. She knew what they were both thinking.
“We destroy ourselves here, and we destroy ourselves there. So who cares? Be happy doing it.”
Ana let the words sink in. Be happy doing it.
Martine watched her mull over her happiness, and finally spoke. “Ana, come here.”
She froze. She knew what Martine was suggesting, the dangerous opportunity to decide if she could be happy right here and now.
“Ana, we are all worried about you. You are not going to spend the rest of your life resisting perfectly suitable relationships because you are in love with someone on Earth. That will pass. Just give it time. I will help you.” She reached her hand out and caught Ana’s, pulling slightly.
Ana responded to the touch and sat on the bed. Her mind swirled with static, drowning out thoughts of Jolie. This was her future. Jolie was her past, and that past was sealed up and put away deep in her mind, to be looked upon at a much later time. Martine drew her down on top of her in a fluid, skilled motion. Her practiced fingers pulled Ana’s face to hers and their lips met.
She felt a pleasantness in her body, but nothing like the all consuming hunger she had experienced with Jolie. Martine took Ana’s hair down from a loose ponytail and kissed her again, their tongues pressing together. Ana’s body took over, relishing the relief from pent up anxiety she’d hidden during the last few weeks. Martine undressed them both, then jockeyed to the top and pinned Ana’s wrists above her head. Her mind flashed to the first time Jolie made her come, her wrists pinned helplessly to the bed. She closed her eyes and pretended Jolie was there now, her hair tickling Ana’s breasts.
Ana breathed heavily, pinned under Martine’s nakedness, arching her back when Martine pressed her lips to her neck. The last time Jolie had done that, her skin had smelled like the rosemary oil Ana had given her. She breathed in the ghost scent and smiled. Ana retreated into her sensitive nerve endings as Martine kissed down to her breasts and put her lips around a nipple. Ana needed to be touched now, her body reawakening to the depths it had discovered with Jolie. Imagining it was Jolie on top of her heightened her senses and drove her crazy. Martine breathed heavily as she slid back and forth on Ana’s thigh, returning to kiss Ana fervently on the mouth. Ana found herself pulling Martine into her as if she couldn’t be satiated with what had been offered. She needed more. She needed control. She needed Jolie’s wetness on her leg.
She stopped Martine’s motion and, as if punishing Martine for who she was, thrust her fingers inside of her. Martine moaned and pushed them deeper inside. Ana could feel Jolie riding her hand, and she kept her eyes shut tight to preserve the illusion. Jolie needing her, Jolie moaning louder and louder.
Time seemed to stop completely. Ana was helpless to the circling of Martine’s fingers against her. She focused all of her energy on her fingers pumping in and out. She was vaguely aware of muscles clenching against her hand as Martine rode out her orgasm, settling on top of Ana, the weight holding her there, under someone who wasn’t Jolie, with a hand that didn’t belong to Jolie still moving against her. Ana came desperately with a release that brought a stunning cl
arity to her thoughts. She shut her eyes even tighter as the tears came, and Martine-who-wasn’t-Jolie, who would never be, curled up against her.
“That was nice, no?” Martine murmured, her eyes dark with desire.
Ana held a sob in her throat, burning in her chest, as she willed it to go away. She prayed Martine wouldn’t look at her. A deep emptiness replaced any pleasure she’d felt. She would never fall in love with Martine, or any of the other crew members. Not the way she had fallen for Jolie, with her entire body and soul, vulnerable to feelings she hadn’t known she could experience. She couldn’t bear the thought of never feeling them again. Finally, Martine reached over her stomach to hold her, and the flood of sadness she’d held so well escaped. Once she opened up, everything she’d felt since she signed the contract dissolved down her cheeks. Martine hugged her with all the compassion in the world, and Ana knew it was over. Eventually, when all her demons had fled, she broke away from Martine, whose eyes held a sadness she hadn’t seen since the moment she’d let Jolie go. She watched helplessly while Martine’s world crumbled as hers just had.
Chapter Twenty-five
Jolie let out a deep breath as she walked out of the admissions office and into the bright day. She folded the paper they’d given her and tucked it into her pocket. Nova waved from across the lawn. She beamed. Finally, her life was back on track. Finally, she could move on. She heard feet pounding on the sidewalk behind her, and turned around just in time to be accosted by Karlee, who flung her arms around her from behind.
“I can’t believe you’re going away for so long.” She pouted. “We’re both so sad. Will you at least hang out tonight?”
Jolie hugged Karlee’s arms close to her chest. Despite their brief flirtation with hooking up, their friendship had deepened and Jolie couldn’t imagine leaving her. “It’s only for a couple weeks. Anyway, I don’t plan to go back to the house, and I’m leaving tomorrow morning, so I’m all yours tonight.” She was elated at the thought of her upcoming trip, a chance to take a break while Ana was off getting blasted into space. They hadn’t spoken since the night of the meteor shower, and Jolie had blocked all incoming messages from her number. It was something she had to do to stay sane. She didn’t plan to be in touch with Ana again, even after she safely arrived on Mars. It wasn’t going to be easy to avoid Ana’s public presence, but she’d do her best. She’d go away for a few weeks, the media storm would happen, then she’d come back in January for the art show. This morning, she’d given all of her completed pieces to Professor Anderson, who promised to help her set up. She packed most of her belongings in the sorority’s attic, and the rest into the small green rental car she’d be driving home. The only trace she’d left of herself at Ana’s house was a handwritten note on the counter.
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