Ticklers

by David Fletcher

  • the length of the local ladies' legs - as exemplified (and very much shown off) by some of the local admin staff in the office…

  And so perhaps it was time to turn to the minuses of his initiation into Knighthood. What were the lumps in his gravy, the weeds in his garden? And could he do anything about them?

  He certainly couldn't do anything about the first one - which was simply the flip side of the biggest plus:

  • his absent friends: Madeleine and Boz. If only they'd been there on that halogen planet… If only they'd seen… If only they were here with him now… But they weren't. And that really hurt. He really did miss them, both of them…

  But this was futile. Time to move on quickly to something more manageable - albeit something that was still a real problem:

  • Meitchars' melancholia. His new best friend's deep-seated depression and his ability to see only the down side of his own achievements. Meitchars had put in a sparkling performance on their first joint mission and, as Renton had predicted, their report of events back at base had earned for them both the admiration and the congratulations of the entire Pandiloop contingent, and not least For-bin-Ah's. But still Meitchars had been unmoved. As far as he was concerned, the disaster in the Pei Valley overshadowed all his other achievements, and the only real tangible result of his efforts was client dissatisfaction and League management's disquiet - or even disfavour. And in no way, it appeared, could anybody convince him to think otherwise. Or could they?

  Renton began to wonder. And very soon his thoughts were entirely consumed by this puzzle - and the remainder of his list making was abandoned. The monotony of the Pandiloop flora, a dearth of sugared almonds in this place, and those damned hair-ruining space-helmets would all have to wait. He had more pressing concerns. Pressing concerns that required expressing - to For-bin-Ah. Now.

  So that rarest of rare events came about. Renton quit his mental tidying prematurely, and went to seek out the company of another - with loose ends still trailing about his mind. It was a measure of his unease - and maybe of how much he'd grown up of late.

  17.

  Renton approached For-bin-Ah's office. As always, the door was open. And before Renton could even think about hesitating, he was invited inside.

  'Ahh,' said his partner, from behind his desk. 'Come on in. You must be psychic. I was just about to give you a call. You and Meitchars.'

  Renton hadn't prepared himself for this meeting, and he certainly hadn't prepared himself for this announcement. It immediately confused him.

  'Uhh, Meitchars and me?' he responded intelligently. 'The two of us?'

  'Spot on, young man,' smiled For-bin-Ah. 'I can see you've got your wits about you this morning. That was as razor sharp a deduction as I've ever heard. And I've heard quite a few, I can tell you.'

  Renton blinked. For-bin-Ah was being ironic, and Renton needed time to absorb this, time that For-bin-Ah filled with another announcement.

  'And I see you have something on your mind. And I suspect it needs our attention first. In fact, I'm sure it does. So come on. Take a seat, and tell me all about it.'

  Then the smile went.

  'Oh, and you might want to close the door.'

  Renton stared at For-bin-Ah. He realised he wasn't being ironic any more. No, now he was being deadly serious. So he turned and closed the door behind him. Then he took the seat he'd been offered. It was on a chair facing For-bin-Ah across his desk, and it made Renton feel as though he was here for an interview. And in a way he was. Although who'd prove to be the interviewer and who the interviewee, he wasn't yet sure.

  Neither was he sure how to proceed from here. Although he knew what he wanted to talk about, he had no idea as to how he was going to initiate what would inevitably be a delicate conversation. So, instead of initiating anything at all, he just cleared his throat.

  And when he'd done this for the third time - but had still not said anything, For-bin-Ah came to his rescue

  'It's about Meitchars, isn't it?' he offered. 'I mean, you're worried about his manner. How depressed he seems after your little expedition. That's what it is, isn't it?'

  Renton's eyes widened. 'How the hell did you know that?' he asked. 'How could you have known that?'

  'A bit of deduction, a bit of observation. It's easy really, very easy. I mean, you've just shared an amazing experience with the bloke, haven't you? Something that has left you on a real high. But he's not up there with you, is he? No, he's down. And I mean he's about as far down as he can go. And you can't understand it. And you don't like it. You want it better for him. You want to try and help him. Renton, I'd have been surprised if you hadn't come to see me. I mean about Meitchars. It really is that obvious.'

  'Wow,' sighed Renton. 'You've got me taped, haven't you? You really have.'

  'Well, let's just say I've got the situation taped. But that's by the way. What you want from me is a little bit of illumination, isn't it? A little bit of light shone onto this dark mystery you've just uncovered. And then a bit of help. And then, of course, a bit of help for Meitchars - so he can be… well, "cured" as it were. And in that sort of order. And I'm right, aren't I? That is what you want?'

  'Yes it is. It certainly is,' conceded Renton, happy that his partner was running through an agenda for this meeting that he could have written himself - if he had ever thought about it. And immediately his mood lifted - in anticipation of the revelations to come - and how they might possibly help him.

  'Well, let's get realistic,' continued For-bin-Ah. 'I can shed some light on why Meitchars is the way he is, but don't start to think that either you or I can solve any of his problems for him. That just won't happen. Understand?'

  Renton nodded, his mood slipping back to the anxious.

  'OK, let's talk about your partner. And it's important to appreciate that what I'm about to tell you isn't confidential. I mean, in the sense that everybody else in this office knows it as well. It's just that you don't. And what I'm doing is simply bringing you up to speed. And I can't think Meitchars would be too upset about that. In fact, I know he wouldn't. So shall I go on?'

  Renton nodded again. His mood had slipped past the anxious to somewhere near the dread-zone. What the hell was he going to hear?

  'Right, well let me start by asking you a few questions. Like how long do you think Meitchars has been a knight?'

  'I've no idea,' answered Renton. 'Meitchars isn't very forthcoming on that sort of stuff. And I… well, I suppose it's some time. Ten or so years, I should think…'

  'Twenty-eight,' announced For-bin-Ah. 'And virtually all of them in this office.'

  'Streuth!' exclaimed Renton. 'He doesn't look that old. And he's so… well, he's so agile. I mean, he's like an athlete. I can't believe it…'

  'Mmm, he's something of a phenomenon in that department and that's for sure. But I can assure you, he's a good deal older than he looks. In fact, he's one of the veterans of the League. He's by far the longest serving member in this office. Easily.

  'OK, next question. How would you rank him as… as a warrior? You know, combative skills, combative insight, reaction under pressure, fighting spirit, general all round soldiering qualities, that sort of thing?'

  Renton tried to think of a suitably superlative word and then offered a batch of them.

  'Outstanding. Top-class. Impeccable. Mind-blowing. Well, he's just fantastic.'

  'Correct. Meitchars is a wizard. And in some areas he's simply unsurpassed - like in all that stuff he used to find Sereza. Mind, he's no slouch at the rough stuff either - as I'm sure you've observed. And believe me, if I'm ever in a corner, Meitchars is the man I'd most like to have at my side. No doubt about it. He's a star.'

  Renton began to nod in agreement, but his partner went on.

  'And how about chivalry? How do you think he scores on that one, Mr Tenting?'

  Renton didn't hesitate.

  'The same. No question about it. You could see it when we'd arrived at that Pei Valley. He'd failed som
e… some set of rules. Some really old fashioned rules - like the ones we debated on the induction course - only more so - if you know what I mean.'

  'Correct again,' confirmed For-bin-Ah. 'He's quite simply chivalry personified. Nothing more to say on that score, is there? But what have you got if you add it to his age and to his fighting abilities? What's the sum of those parts?'

  Renton continued his new habit of not hesitating. 'One of the most experienced and most capable and most genuinely chivalrous knights in the League. A model for everyone else. But I know that. I didn't realise he'd been going for quite such a time, but you couldn't fail to notice how good he is. It's just so obvious. And that's exactly what I can't understand. I mean, why he seems so upset. Even against his own standards, he must know he did a fantastic job…'

  'Did they show you a Kanker holofilm on your induction course?' interrupted For-bin-Ah, his voice flat and almost aggressive.

  'What?'

  'Did the image of Kanker come amongst you on your induction course? Did he reveal himself to you?'

  'Oh that. Oh yes. Oh yes, we had a Kanker revelation all right.'

  'And was it edifying?'

  'Edifying? Well, errh…'

  He stopped momentarily. But why was he hesitating? How could he be other than entirely honest with For-bin-Ah? He went on.

  'No. Or that's to say, yes. I mean, it was very edifying about how Kanker thinks of the League. As a business. As a way of making money. It was all a bit sick-making really. I nearly left the course…'

  'And what do you think Meitchars' reaction might have been?'

  'He'd have walked out during the speech…'

  'Renton, you've had the answer to your little puzzle all along, haven't you? Only you wouldn't recognise it. You wanted me to read through the guidebook for you. You needed somebody else to confirm it.'

  'You mean Meitchars behaves the way he does just because he doesn't like the commercial bit? He gets that upset? And he's been like that all the time?'

  'Ah, hold on, Renton. You're assuming the commercial bit, as you call it, has been there all along. That it's been as "upfront" as it is now - forever, for the last twenty-eight years.

  'Well, let me tell you, it hasn't. Meitchars isn't the only knight who's been around long enough to remember when things were very different. And they were very different, I can assure you. The League has had to be run as a business - and has been for generations. But it's only quite recently that the business aspect has overtaken it - and overwhelmed it - overwhelmed what the League was once all about: selfless adventuring, jousting at evil, acts of chivalry, all that sort of stuff. So Meitchars hasn't always been like this. It's just that he hasn't been able to adapt. You might say he hasn't learnt how to play the new game. Not like some of us have anyway…'

  At this point For-bin-Ah's eyes turned away from Renton and he seemed unsure as to whether to continue. But he did.

  'To say he lives in the past would be a little unfair. But in a practical sense, that's just what he does. Or tries to. But it doesn't work. And it hurts him. He's becoming more and more resentful. Almost bitter. And it won't go away. The League's changed and Meitchars can't. In fact, it'd be wrong if he did.

  'So all I do, all we do, here on Pandiloop, is insulate him - insulate him from the League as much as we can. And he knows we're doing it, of course. And he knows as well as we do how difficult it is. The League's pretty intrusive, you know - even out here.

  'So,' For-bin-Ah continued, but now with a chuckle, 'life has its few ups and downs, but we're still able to smile and whistle at all times. And it could be worse. We could all be based on Korpulund.'

  Renton was now in a very definite sitting and listening mode. He'd been rocked by what he'd just heard and he simply couldn't bring himself to actually discuss these revelations with For-bin-Ah. And not just as they concerned Meitchars' situation, but what they meant in terms of For-Bin-Ah's own feelings for League management. And presumably, his regard or otherwise for its ultimate management, namely their esteemed leader, his munificentship, Kanker.

  It was just as well that For-bin-Ah didn't seem to be expecting a discussion. He went on.

  'As I said, Renton, this little presentation is all about bringing you up to speed on Meitchars' behaviour. And I hope you take it as just that. Whatever I've revealed about myself or my attitude to the League is incidental - though I'm sure you'll form your own views. But, just in case you're in any doubt, I still intend to remain the knight in charge of this office - for some time to come. And I'll discharge that responsibility as well as I can. And, of course, in the way I see fit. And I hope you can understand that, Renton. I hope you can see what I mean.'

  Renton nodded - a little too energetically. He'd begun to realise how delighted he was with what he'd now learnt. Meitchars and For-bin-Ah were on his side. It was beautiful news. Even if, before this discussion, he hadn't properly realised that, here in the League, there were sides to take - despite the evidence of the Kanker visitation on his induction course. And then he spoke.

  'For-bin-Ah, you can't know how grateful I am.' And then he just sat and smiled. Until the door opened and Meitchars entered the room.

  Renton gulped, and For-bin-Ah sprang from his seat.

  'Meitchars,' he enthused, 'you're as psychic as young Renton here. You must have known that I wanted a chat - and with both of you together. Although I've no idea how.'

  'Manic intuition,' responded Meitchars in a deadly whisper. Then he broke into his odd looking grin, and in his normal voice added: 'And I wanted to borrow some chewing gum. I've gone and run out.'

  Renton went cold and giggled. For-bin-Ah let out a whooping laugh. Then he picked up a packet of gum from a pile on his desk, and threw it to Meitchars.

  'Well, chew on that, old friend,' he said. 'And I'd rather you took it than borrowed it. You may not know it but you suck all the god-damned flavour out. It's always useless after you've had it.'

  Meitchars and Renton both laughed.

  'And anyway,' he continued, 'you can buy me a new packet on your next mission, the one you're going on tomorrow.'

  Meitchars and Renton stopped laughing.

  'It's what I needed to talk to you about.'

  'Well, go on then,' said Meitchars. 'We're all ears. Go ahead and talk.'

  'OK, troops, this is it. Your last report's been through the system now, and somebody up there has taken a particular interest in it. More precisely your reference to the distress message being sent in League code; that's got somebody in Korpulund really interested. And guess what: it fits in with one of their little theories - the theory that Grader's been setting up some sort of terrorist organisation. Apparently this little clue slots in very neatly to a few other bits and pieces…'

  'It's the first I've heard about this theory,' interrupted Meitchars. 'They've kept it a bit close to their chests, haven't they? There's been nothing on the comms channel about it. All I've seen recently is that Grader's gone and killed another knight. But it didn't say anything about any terrorist set-up.'

  'Oh, you know what they're like, Meitchars. They think they're some bloody secret service all on their own. They can't share that sort of stuff with the likes of us.'

  Meitchars grunted.

  'Anyway,' he continued, 'they reckon they've got a lead on where Grader might be. Or at least on where some of his supposed band of followers might be. And they thought that two…'

  '…two hicks,' interrupted Meitchars, 'from the back end of beyond, might as well have a go at finding them - and probably getting their friggin' heads blown off in the process. Very thoughtful of them, I'm sure.'

  For-bin-Ah scowled. But then he shrugged his shoulders.

  'Something like that,' he admitted. 'Although if you want my opinion, you're about as likely to locate Grader's secret army as you are to find his reindeer. Cos he's about as likely to be Santa Claus as he is a war-lord. It just isn't his style. He's a loner. And I'm sure of it.'

  'Mmm,' murmur
ed Meitchers, 'you do sound pretty sure. But I won't ask why…'

  'I met him once. A long time ago,' explained For-bin-Ah. 'And, well, I tell you, I can't believe what he's doing now. And I certainly can't believe he'd be involving any others. It's just not his style.'

  'So this mission's all about getting you some more chewing gum. Which may well be the highlight of the exercise on account of how we're not going to find anything else. Well, I could do with a restful trip for once. How about you, Renton?'

  'Sounds fine to me. Only I don't like chewing gum.'

  But he did like the thought of getting his own back on that bastard, Grader. He certainly wouldn't let him slip through his fingers again. No way. And, even better, he'd have a proper chance to get to know Meitchars. And there was an even greater challenge there - to wrest him away from his despondency. And now he understood the reasons for this despondency, he might even succeed…

  18.

  …But things didn't work out quite that way. After a whole month in space, Renton had found neither Grader nor a way into Meitchars' malaise. And he was bored - and he was frustrated.

  He had spent the last thirty days of his life on a spaceship with just Meitchars for company. And he had discovered nothing other than that they were both engaged in an entirely idiotic wild-goose chase. They had found no trace of Grader, no trace of his army, and, as For-bin-Ah had predicted, no trace of his reindeer. They had visited a score of planets - all at the direction of Central League Intelligence - and had found nothing more than an illicit distillery on one and a stash of counterfeit space-mile tokens on another - but no Grader. It was a farce. Whoever was supplying the so-called information on the whereabouts of Grader's forces was either guessing at it or, for some reason known only to himself, playing a joke on the League. Or just maybe the League was playing a joke on Renton and Meitchars.

  After all, even Korpulund's most unintelligent intelligence officer must now have realised that they weren't going to locate Grader in a million years. The mission was a complete waste of time. It was just that obvious. So why hadn't it been called off? Renton could only think that it was somebody playing for time. That they were now involved in an elaborate exercise in the art of face-saving, one that would drag on until someone on Korpulund could think of a way to draw a veil over the whole fiasco - in a way that would attract the minimum of attention. And that wasn't going to be easy. Because the way it had been played to date had assured it of the maximum of attention.