Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  She straightened her blazer and sat back, giving me a brilliant smile. “If you stop by the desk outside Celia will set you up with another appointment.” She nodded and finally stood, offering me her hand. “It was lovely to meet you. If you need anything, my number is on the card that you’ll get with your appointment info on it.”

  “Thanks,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say. I needed of things. I wanted a lot of things from this that I wasn’t about to just get. “And I know I’m not patient,” I said, realizing how annoying I must be. It was close to an apology but I wasn’t going to apologize for giving her my secret world and feeling like there was nothing in return for me but another thing to be insecure about. “I do want to try.” I repeated myself since she rejected my words the first time. I felt like I was making this sickeningly easy for her but whatever...

  Vivianne walked me to the door and opened it for me. The different vibe of the waiting room hit me and I was a little less comfortable as soon as the door closed behind me.

  At the desk, Celia asked me what days and times were best for me. I gave her Avery’s normal practice times. I wasn’t sure what was customary or how long this would take. Already I just felt a bit upset because it was almost worse than talking to a friend.

  A friend would say shit to you, they would push your buttons, and they would get you to places. I wasn’t sure what was happening with Vivianne. None of my thoughts in there were new and none of her advice was extra helpful, she told me the things I’d already been telling myself. I just felt stranger as I left, like I’d given myself one more headache.

  I called my mom and let her know that I followed through. She laughed at me and said she was surprised I actually made it through a whole session. That was enough to get me to sit through at least two. But I was doing this for Avery, for us. I wanted to be a better person. I didn’t want to keep making things hard when they were already a mess. If Vivianne could eventually help with that I was definitely all in.

  Being told to be patient still burned though. That was the last thing I needed to hear after three solid months of being wrong about being patient with Avery. After years and years of being patient with my parents and not exploding only to find out once I’d given in and exploded that things really did get better with impatience. It was a strange paradox. I needed to sit on it and let it all go. I felt extra tense now and I hadn’t expected that.

  I drove home, changed, had a glass of white wine, and shut myself up in the music room to learn something new. I played for a while to calm myself. At the very least, today I did some things I’d been sitting on doing, a few things that had weighed down on my mind. I really tried and, no matter what, that made me feel better.

  Chapter 9

  Avery

  I made it through another day of school and it actually wasn’t as bad as I expected, which is saying very little. There was no freaking out, no triggers, and no death defying acts on my part. Sad that I could be proud of that. I’d been so on edge that the smallest things could make me jump and feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

  Right now, I was sitting in the gym waiting for Skylar. We were going to try again. Both of us probably needed it. I needed a friend. I couldn’t keep putting all this pressure on Olivia. I was afraid for her. Our lives had come to be about trauma. It would kill us eventually.

  I heard the door on the far side of the bleachers open and close. It echoed in the open space, making me turn to see. Skylar walked toward me, carrying her bag on her shoulder. Her shoulders were slumped down and her feet dragged a little. She didn’t look like herself.

  “You look tired,” I said when she was close enough.

  “Yeah,” she sighed, letting her bag fall to the floor as she sat down at my side. She didn’t turn her knees in toward me. I noticed that. “So… What’s up?”

  “I just wanted to talk about what happened. I’m sure I scared you yesterday. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run off like that or say anything I said. I honestly can’t remember it very well. Sometimes I just get confused and snap.”

  I hugged myself, getting my arms as far around my body as I could get them.

  “Yeah… I got that,” Skylar said. “That sucks…”

  “It does but how are you? You look like shit, and I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just worried.”

  She pursed her lips and looked out at the water, her elbows were resting down on her knees. “I was going to quit today,” she said. “When you asked me to catch you after I went back in the locker room and changed but I was going to quit.” She looked so drained. I could tell she was trying not to cry.

  “Hey,” I said, sliding over to her on the bench and awkwardly putting my arms around her. I wasn’t sure if this was okay.

  “I’m glad you didn’t quit. Unless you really want to, I guess. That’s the only reason you should ever quit.”

  “It used to make me happy to be here with you,” she said. “But I get it. I fucked up. I broke your trust. I betrayed you. I’m not a good person,” her words barely made it out of her, she was trying that hard not to cry. “I think I’ll still quit. You're already having to dodge me in drama. I don’t want to make anything harder for you and I obviously have. I never wanted this Avery,” she looked over at me and I saw the tears hanging in her eyes. “I think I just felt like I was losing you anyway so why not? And that was stupid. It was wrong,” she was so bitter.

  “Skylar….” I groaned. “I’m not super fond of the way you did it but you are a good person. Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel bad about any of it. You’re a great person but it just happened at the exact wrong time. Don’t blame yourself like this. I want you to be happy. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It wasn’t just the kiss it was whatever was in that drink and that wasn’t your fault at all.”

  I rubbed her back and wondered if it was better or worse when I touched her. If it was me it would be worse.

  She stiffened. I felt her hand move around to touch mine and move it gently off.

  “I lied to you,” she said. “For a long time.”

  “You didn’t lie so much as not tell me that there was more to how you felt. I wish I’d known because I must have tortured you sometimes without knowing it. That’s why I feel so bad. I must have made it so much worse. “

  “I guess for a while I thought,” she laughed, feeling dumb. “I thought maybe you were just like me. Scared to do anything. Scared to ruin us. We were always so close and you didn’t have other friends like that. We were always doing these super gay things. Always reading love scenes alone. Always watching gay films alone. Always flirting and laughing, sleeping together on the same bed. I guess I just thought that you were in on it and then I had to find out that I was a fucking idiot. And then I had to ruin us too. For the longest time I was just happy to be your person. I didn’t want to push on that. I didn’t want to lose you or hurt you like I did.”

  Now, I felt doubly bad. I realized what they were talking about. If I’d been in Skylar’s position I would have assumed and wondered the same things. My weak grasp on the perception of my behavior had been the thing that ruined it.

  “Wow, I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’m the idiot. I should have realized what I was doing. Skylar, if this had been any other time it wouldn’t have affected me as much as it did. I’m just not alright right now and if you need some time and space I can do that. I just don’t want to lose you as a friend but if you can’t I completely understand.”

  I didn’t want her to do it because she felt guilty or obliged. She needed to be completely honest with herself on this. If she couldn’t be my friend right now then I’d be okay. I just wanted her to get back and get over this and me.

  I wasn’t worth all this trouble.

  She bit the inside of her cheek and looked over at me almost mad. “Are you kidding? The only reason I snapped and kissed you was because I missed you so much. Ever since the lodge, if you weren’t with Olivia you were usually a zombie. Of course I want to be you
r friend. I just don’t want to make things worse or weird or cause bad things to happen or make Olivia feel threatened and ruin things for you. I want to help. However I can. Even if that’s by disappearing. I’ve always wanted to make things better for you. Always. Being the person who makes you want to run the other way has been killing me. I’m not used to it and I hate it and I just need to calm down,” she said, scooting away from me a little. “You were yourself with me. That’s all I wanted you to be and that’s why I love you. All I want now is to be able to apologize. And I want to help if you want that. I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Neither do I but that’s normal, right? I’m glad you feel that way because I’ve only got two real friends besides Olivia and you’re one of them. No one ever actually knew me here except you. Olivia likes you, she actually defended you when we were talking after yesterday.”

  That made Skylar laugh. “She’s crazy,” she said, lightening up. “Hot… But Crazy…”

  “And, I know Avery…” She looked over at me almost pitifully. “I know you don’t have many people. Why do you think I was so scared to tell you? Our friendship was way more important to me. I knew I was a huge lifeline. I couldn’t stand the idea of knowing I’d chased you away for something stupid like one perfect kiss when I’ve had so many perfect moments with you, personal moments. Our friendship has always been more important. It always will be. Nothing could change that. Not even my weird feelings. And now I know it was one-sided on the love front. That’ll help me to be a better friend.”

  “I feel selfish for wanting you close as a friend when you have these feelings though,” I explained. “I don’t think I’m quite resolved about that yet but I know you’re probably unhappy that I feel that way.”

  Guilt was a two-way thing. I rarely ever had a day without it and I would always feel bad for not loving Skylar the way she deserved someone to love her but I just knew we weren’t meant to be more than friends.

  “I’d be more unhappy if we couldn’t even be friends,” she said. “I want you to do the things you want to do and be with the person you want to be with. If that’s not me, that’s how you feel and I respect that. I respect you. Love isn’t about forcing someone to feel things for you. I really thought you had feelings for a while. When I kissed you I think I already knew you didn’t. It’s kind of hard to explain… It’s almost like I kissed you because I was mad at myself and it made more sense for you to just hate me because of my secret… I like Olivia. I like her a lot. She’s ridiculous and honest and she makes me laugh. I’m just very jealous of her.”

  “Sometimes I’m jealous of her too but about different things,” I said. I bumped her shoulder. “Okay, I think we can do this but we should probably take a page from Olivia and just be really honest with one another about everything. I don't want to ever lose you again. Someday you’ll stumble into the right person.”

  “Yeah, let's not talk about that,” Sky said. “I wanna ask you something though…”

  “Okay, ask away,” I told her.

  “Can I come to your wedding?”

  “Are you kidding?! If you don’t come I’ll be really mad. Also, I need you and Holland to be maids of honor. I don’t think I can pick just one.”

  “Okay,” she said. “‘Cause I really wanna be there, Aves. I want to see you get your dreams. Even if I have to move off to LA and we eventually grow distant, I want to remember you happy like you are with her… It makes me happy. Eventhough you probably don’t believe that. It really does. It gives me hope. It’ll be good to know at least one of us got what we wanted.”

  “I believe you. I’m glad and you will. I’m serious. You’re an amazing person. Otherwise I wouldn’t have ever let you get as close to me as you are. I hope you realize how much I respect and love you. I’m always there for you too, you know.”

  “I know,” she said. I could tell she wanted to be done with the drama. “Can we stop talking about this crap now? It’s kind of a downer. Tonight will probably be the first night in weeks that I can actually sleep.”

  “Sure, we can. As long as you promise to hang out with me soon, really soon.”

  “Just name the time,” she said.

  “Maybe Friday night? I can give Olivia a break from me,” I joked.

  “You got it,” she laughed. “But I will be asking you inappropriate personal questions, just so you know.”

  “Okay, now I’m scared but as long as there is pizza involved I’ll be up for it.” My eyes widened and my nostrils flared a little, as I gave her my deer in the headlights look.

  “Deal,” she laughed again.

  “Okay, so can we move on from this deep talk stuff and get back to being excited to get out of this hell hole?”

  “Yes, God, please!” She whined and wiped her face with her hands.

  “Awesome. You wanna get something to eat? I need to text Vi and tell her but we could go maybe meet her. Unless, you’re tired.”

  “Confession, I may have already gone out with Olivia today.” She laughed. “Since we’re telling the truth!” She covered.

  “When?!” I tried to think. “This morning?”

  “Yeah, after I saw you I left swim and went to that cafe where I saw her last. I took a shot. Just wanted to let her know I was going to quit swim incase you asked. I didn’t want to upset you anymore.”

  “Oh. Well, are you still going to quit?” I asked.

  “Depends, I guess,” she tilted her head to the side and looked at me carefully. “Does it make you feel more comfortable to have me on the team? I don’t really care about winning anymore. I really am just here because I liked keeping you company. If it makes you feel safer to have me here I definitely want to stay.”

  “It makes me feel better but I want you to do what’s best for you too. If you don’t want to swim don’t.”

  “When there’s no drama swimming’s fun,” she said. “And healthy. And it occupies my crazy mind. So I think I’ll stay till the end. Especially if it makes you feel more comfortable.”

  “Okay! Good. I’m glad. Now, I have someone to hang out with when we go to state.”

  “Yup,” she said. “So what do you think? Should I burden your girlfriend with another visit today?”

  “Up to you but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

  “I think I’ll say no for now,” Sky chose carefully. “I’ve got a book to read by the end of the week. I’ll save Friday as my super treat.”

  “Okay, that sounds like a plan. Maybe we can do mini-golf or something. That sounds like fun.”

  “Only if you want to get your ass kicked,” she laughed.

  “Yeah right. You’re going down! Don’t even pretend to be better at mini-golf than I am,” I scoffed.

  I put my arm over the back of the bleacher bench. “Hey, I’m really glad we talked. Thanks.”

  “I’m glad too,” she said. “And thanks for not hating me. I was going a little crazy thinking you did… Anyway… You should getcher girl. Have some fun. I’ve got a date with Kerouac,” she stood up, grabbing her bag and pulling it over her shoulder.

  “Sounds hot… Don’t get in trouble or anything,” I joked.

  I held my arms open. “Are we allowed to hug?”

  “Yeah,” she said, bruised by the question. For a second she looked like I’d punched her in the stomach. She dropped her bag down and pulled me in by my hoodie, squeezing me tight. “I love you, Dumbass.”

  “I love you too,” I hugged her hard and sighed into her neck.

  Once we let go and said goodbye I hopped down the bleachers and jogged out the door and down the hall. I felt lighter and happier than I had in the last week. We were okay, Skylar and I. We were still friends, good friends.

  I immediately got my phone out and started to text.

  Avery: Baaaaaabe, I’m coming home.

  Olivia: Mmmm… Music to my ears...

  Avery: I love you and I have good news. See you soon.

  I got in my car and took off, not caring
that I was going a little fast. There were no cops around and I was feeling a little energized. I got out of the school lot, turned onto the highway, and drove like mad until I got close to the house and then slowed.

  Realizing that I was about to pass the drive, I turned in a hurry and pulled up, driving down to the guest house and parking. When I got inside she wasn’t there. I checked from room-to-room and then went out into the pool area.

  Avery: Where are you?

  Olivia: Music room… I’ve been playing.

  I liked the sound of that. When she played it sent me into raptures. The main house was quiet as I passed through on my way to the music room. It wasn’t until I was right outside that I heard the piano. She was playing something I didn't recognize.

  I opened the door and watched for a few minutes. It was amazing how different she was in the throes of music. I almost didn’t want to say anything at all but I needed her to interact with me so I went over and sat down, letting my eyes rest on her profile.