RENEGADE FIRE

by Jaxson Kidman

  “You always say that,” I said. “What are you going to do about it?”

  Willow was in a cute red dress. Some kind of summer dress thing. What the fuck did I know about girl’s clothes? It was really weird because her body was starting to change and really fill in the dress.

  Slowly, she started to turn, her lips quivering.

  “Hey, it was just some firecrackers,” I said. “Just a joke.”

  Fully turned I realized what I had done to her. Her dress had a big wet stain on it.

  I let out a ooohhh sound and then fought the urge to smile.

  She pissed herself.

  I scared her so bad that she pissed herself.

  “Holy shit,” I whispered.

  “Do you feel good, Gage?”

  “Hey, it was a joke,” I said. “You were playing with those dolls. You’re too old for dolls.”

  “They’re my only friends,” she said.

  Her eyes filled with tears and she ran inside.

  I stepped toward the house and stopped.

  “Shit,” I said.

  It was only a damn joke.

  I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me. Why I kept doing shit like that to her. All the time. It was the urge to make her cry. Or pick on her. Or just get her goddamn attention.

  I grabbed the two dolls on the porch and put them next to the door. I noticed the other two dolls were off the side, the ones with the fucked up faces because of me. She was poor. She had no friends. Everyone shit on her, mostly me. And I had ruined her dolls.

  I spent the next week cleaning those dolls until the black marks were gone.

  I told myself I did it because of guilt.

  The truth was that it was something so much more.

  chapter twenty-six

  (gage)

  *NOW*

  I took one more drag of the smoke and then tossed it to the floor. I blew out smoke and stepped forward. I threw a right punch and hit the prick in the mouth for the third time. His head snapped to the side and the chair fell over with him tied to it.

  “Oh for fuck’s sake, just shoot him,” Gunner said. “He’ll talk then. Start with the feet. Go up to his knees.”

  “Pick him up,” I said to Niko.

  Niko lifted the chair and the guy. His name was Tommy. He was running favors for J Mac’s crew, but more importantly he had tipped off the state police that the MC might have been messing with trucks crossing state lines. Shit, we were protecting those trucks, not robbing them. That brought unwanted eyes to the club.

  If that weren’t enough, Tommy owed Sid a couple grand on a loan gone bad from a year ago. Sid was in a bad mood over the state police thing and now he wanted payment. Either cash or blood.

  I wasn’t in the mood for this shit. Not tonight.

  My mind was floating around in the world of Willow. I hadn’t had a date with a woman in years. I didn’t date. I fucked. That was my rule and I was breaking it for her. Shit, maybe I was breaking it for myself.

  Niko took out his gun and put it to the top of Tommy’s head.

  “Wait,” I said. “You can’t kill him. Sid will flip.”

  “I’m telling you,” Gunner said. “Start with the feet. Make him dance a little.”

  I crouched down and looked at Tommy. He looked strung out. He was bleeding from my fists.

  “I’m not in the mood,” I said. “Is that what you want?”

  “Eat shit,” Tommy muttered.

  “What the fuck is with you?” Niko asked, looking right at me. “Normally you’re trigger happy.”

  I swallowed hard and stepped back, crossing my arms. I thought about having another smoke to ease my nerves but I held off. I had been cutting down quite a bit lately. Ever since Willow got pissed at me in her grandmother’s driveway.

  Shit.

  How could one woman get so drilled into me? I couldn’t stop thinking about all the shit I did to her when we were younger. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the times I went home, feeling satisfied, only to crash down into a pool of guilt and anger. We could have been closer together and helped each other.

  If I wasn’t such an asshole.

  If I wasn’t… this.

  A fuse blew in my head and I lost it.

  I jumped forward and threw my foot out. I hit Tommy in the face and sent him flying back. Niko jumped out of the way and the sick thud of Tommy’s head to the floor echoed in the garage.

  “Holy shit!” Gunner yelled.

  Tommy groaned on the floor.

  I stood over him and put my foot to his throat.

  Goddamn, it never bothered me like it did now. Hurting. Killing. Whatever needed to be done for the sake of the club and the protection of my town. The last thing any of us needed were state police or federal people wandering through, questioning how things were run.

  I applied pressure and Tommy tried to scream.

  “Where’s the money?” I yelled. “You want to die for this shit?”

  I stepped on him and his face turned a deep red.

  Niko shoved me back. “You’ll kill him!”

  I took a wild punch, cracking Niko in the mouth.

  He lifted the gun and Gunner jumped between us.

  “Yo! You two! Stop this.”

  I reached down with rage in my heart. I grabbed Tommy’s shirt and lifted him and the chair back up.

  I stepped away again. “You know what? I’m done with this. Fuck this shit. You two handle it. I’ve got something else to do.”

  I left the garage, leaving my brothers behind.

  That didn’t last long though as Gunner chased me down. He grabbed my leather cut and slammed me against the garage.

  “What was that about?” he growled.

  “Everything!” I said. “What the fuck are we doing here? Killing a guy over a few bucks?”

  “You want to change the club? You want to take the gavel?”

  “No. I just don’t want this bullshit anymore. I love riding outlaw with you pricks. I love protecting this town.”

  “That guy in there put us in danger.”

  “I know that.”

  “Your head ain’t here, Gage. Where the fuck is it?”

  Willow.

  I didn’t respond.

  “Shit. It’s with that pussy, huh? Goddamn. I knew it. The second you started floating around that…”

  “Easy, Gunner,” I said. “We go way back, me and her. This isn’t…”

  Gunner backed off me. “Go do what you have to do, Gage. Get your head right.”

  “I love you guys,” I said. “I’m just trying to make something go right here for once.”

  “Brother, just talk to me. Talk to us.”

  I hugged Gunner and then I grabbed his shirt. “Kill that motherfucker in there.”

  “You got him halfway there already. No worries. You good riding alone?”

  “How I feel right now, nothing can stop me.”

  I walked away, breaking out into a run.

  This shit with me and Willow couldn’t linger any longer. I couldn’t take it. I needed to confess the truth to her and see what she gave back to me.

  Sometimes facing death was easier than facing love.

  chapter twenty-seven

  (willow)

  *THEN*

  Grammie said it was okay to cry, but I never cried in front of her. I loved Grammie so much but she spent a lot of time trying to convince herself that everything was going to be okay now that Mama was dead. She talked to herself a lot, realizing she would have to take care of me until I was grown up. I demanded myself to figure out how to grow up fast.

  But sometimes I just needed to cry.

  Grammie left to go grocery shopping. The house was quiet. I had snuck into Mama’s old room and that’s where she would have been sleeping from drinking the night before. But her bed was perfectly made, new sheets, and it smelled clean. Her closet was already cleaned out and ever
ything. Grammie had gone right to work removing Mama’s memory from the house. That was okay. That was a good thing. I didn’t have to worry anymore about Mama. She was with the angels now. Whatever that meant. When I looked up into the sky I only saw clouds. Never any angels.

  Being alone in the house like that got to me.

  I ran outside and sat on the back steps and started to cry. The thing was… I wasn’t sure why I was crying. I guess I missed Mama. But then again, she was never around. I tried to talk to her about Gage and you know what she told me? She said I should rip his balls off and make him eat them. She said that anything with a dick between its legs was good for one thing. She never told me what that one thing was though.

  At least Grammie tried to help me with Gage.

  I really liked him, you know?

  He even showed up at Mama’s funeral. Just him. He rode his bike there. He had black pants on and a black shirt. They were two different colors of black and he looked awkward there, but it meant a lot to me. Gage actually being there and all. Grammie started to drink a little after Mama died. She would get upset, then get mad. Finally I saw her one night standing outside at the trashcan on trash night, yelling at the bottles of booze as she slammed them down into the can. I never talked to her about it though.

  All those memories kept coming to me as I sat there alone.

  I cried like nobody was watching me, even though someone was.

  I heard the sound of a shoe scratching the pavement and I jumped. When I looked up Gage was standing there. I never understood how he went from being a boy to such a man so fast. Like he skipped the strange teenager look, unlike me. He was tall, wide, almost rugged looking.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.

  He reached for me and I pulled back. “Please, no.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t do anything to me today, Gage. I can’t take it.”

  Gage froze, his hand halfway between us. “I’m not going to hurt you, Willow.”

  “You always say that.”

  Gage’s face dropped. He looked pissed off now.

  Great, just what I needed.

  Gage swallowed hard and thrust his hand at me again. He cupped my cheek. I let out a shaky breath and stared at him, my heart instantly starting to race. His thumb stroked my cheek, wiping away my tears. I reached down for the concrete step and gripped it tight.

  I had no idea what to do.

  “Are you upset over your mama?” Gage asked.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “Damn. I’m so sorry, Willow. I wish I could say something. I hate myself right now.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because sometimes I sit on my front porch and wish my parents would die. But now your mama is gone. I feel guilty. Like I wished the wrong parent away.”

  I started to cry again. I had never seen Gage so worried or humble before. It was so cute. And it made me feel good. Maybe he cared about me.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Gage,” I whispered to him. “Mama did this to herself. And I’m not even upset about her being gone. It’s just everything that happened. The way my life is. I’m too young to feel this way. Like I’m being pushed into growing up. Do you feel that way?”

  Then the most amazing thing happened.

  Gage slipped his hand to the back of my neck. He pulled at me as he came down at me, our lips crashing together. It was just a simple kiss, lasting maybe three seconds at the most, but it was… a kiss with Gage.

  He broke the kiss and took his hand away. He stepped back. I was in complete shock.

  “You deserve more,” Gage said.

  He then turned and started to run away.

  I realized then I had been gripping the step so tight that my nails started to crack and break.

  I think that was the day I fell in love with Gage.

  chapter twenty-eight

  (willow)

  *NOW*

  I couldn’t believe when I heard the motorcycle engine out front of Grammie’s house. I ran through the house toward the door seconds away from freedom. Deb was at the table with Grammie, having coffee. It wasn’t decaf and I warned Deb she was going to pay for that later.

  But it wasn’t my problem.

  I bolted through the front door and ran down the steps and the sidewalk.

  Gage climbed off his motorcycle. He took off his helmet and handed it to me. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Ready to go?” he asked me.

  I nodded.

  I was more than ready.

  I put the helmet on and climbed onto the back of his motorcycle. Gage’s motorcycle. We rode to a little bar at the edge of town. He opened the door and everyone stopped to look at him. For a second I thought something bad was going to happen, but it didn’t. Instead, Gage was treated like royalty. Drinks were poured. Seats were cleared. People nodded to him, shook his hand, wanted to be near him. There was a group of guys playing pool and they were all wearing Bitter Aces MC leather cuts.

  “So you brought me to a bar?” I asked with a smile.

  “For the moment,” he said. “We have to eat. Then we’ll go somewhere else.”

  “Where’s that?”

  “That, babe, is a surprise.”

  The bartender came up to us and Gage took control of ordering everything. He was like a king in the bar and I couldn’t help but notice the way he reveled in it. He eased back against his seat and grabbed his beer.

  “A toast to us,” he said with a grin.

  “For what?” I asked.

  “For the years. The good. The bad. And everything that was in between us. All the fucked up shit, babe. There was always us.”

  He pushed his glass toward me and I pulled mine back. “Wait a second. We weren’t friends.”

  “Yes we were,” Gage said.

  “You picked on me.”

  “Because I liked you, babe. I didn’t know any better.”

  “You made me cry a lot.”

  “I made a lot of people cry a lot.”

  I sighed. “Gage…”

  He put his beer down and leaned in at me. He put his hand to my leg. I told myself to shake his damn touch away but I couldn’t. The warmth that spread up through my body was beautiful.

  Our eyes locked.

  “Go ahead,” he said. “Say what you want.”

  “I never got it,” I said. “I tried so hard with you, Gage. All we went through…”

  “I was afraid of losing you,” he said and took his hand away.

  Gage faced forward and pounded his beer really fast.

  The bartender was there a minute later and Gage declined another drink.

  Our food showed up and I reached for his arm. “Gage…”

  “No, babe,” he said. “Let’s just eat up, okay? I’m out of my element here.”

  “No you’re not. Don’t be afraid.”

  Gage smirked. “Afraid? I’m not afraid of anything.”

  “You just said…”

  “I was afraid,” he said. “Leave it be, Willow. Eat up.”

  I barely took a bite of food. I put it down and turned to face Gage. “No, I won’t leave anything be. You’re fucking mad at me right now? For what? Because I wouldn’t play your game?”

  Gage made a fist and slammed it on the bar. He stood up and reached into his back pocket. He took out money and threw it on the bar. Then he whistled for the bartender.

  “Box these up for us,” he said. “I need to get the fuck out of here right now.”

  “Oh, you’re leaving me?” I asked. “Some date.”

  Gage slipped his hand around to my back and pulled me off the barstool. My body collided to his.

  “Some date,” he said. “You’re going to regret that. And if you think for a second I was leaving you, you’re out of your damn mind. You’re the one who bailed on this town.”

  “Fuck you,” I blurted out.

  �
�Yeah, that’s right, babe. Talk dirty.”

  I shoved away from him. “You’re an asshole. You’ll always be an asshole, Gage. There’s no getting away from it. This was a mistake. Take me home.”

  “You know what?” Gage said with a nod. “That’s exactly what I plan on doing… taking you the fuck home…”

  I clung tight to his leather cut. He was riding too fast and I couldn’t get him to slow down. We barreled through the streets of Bishop like they were on fire and we were on the run. Whatever had happened back at the bar really hit home for both of us. Maybe it was something I said. Maybe it was something he was feeling guilty about. One thing was for sure - I was back on the Gage train.

  I loved him, okay?

  I always had a spot for him in my heart. But it never worked then and there was no way it would work now. I was too busy. He was too distracted. And the past would be our only thing in common.

  My plan came to me as we rode. I’d get back home and talk to Deb. We’d come up with a concrete plan on what to do with Grammie. My focus would remain there until the decision was made. Then I could figure out where to go and what to do. Coming back to Bishop was one thing. Seeing Gage was another. I’d never really have the closure I wanted and that was that.

  Or so I thought.

  Gage took a few turns I didn’t expect and before I knew it, I was on my old street. My entire body started to shake when I put two and two together and realized what Gage meant when he said he was taking me home.

  Gage slowed and stopped right in the middle of the damn street. The house on the left was his old house. It had been a beat up house for years with a gravel driveway. Now the driveway was paved. There was a garage built in the empty lot where the house had burned down. The yard was well kept and landscaped beautifully. The house itself was put together so nice. A tan color with black trim and black shutters.

  Then I looked to my left.

  My old house. Grammie’s old house.

  It was a piece of shit.

  Chain link fence… the same one I could never climb over. The yard was overgrown. The house totally neglected. The front window cracked and the one upstairs with a board across it. It looked like maybe nobody had been in there since Grammie and me. It was the house where I fell in love with Gage. The house where I last saw my Mama alive.