Seeing Stars

by Rachel Burns

  Baby, he had slipped that term of endearment in a few times already. I liked it. I wanted to be his baby, no matter what he looked like. It was better to be some fat ugly guy’s baby than to be nobody’s nothing.

  That meant that I had some time to start jogging and maybe start yoga so I could tell him that I did cool things like that.

  I looked back at the screen.

  Then I lifted my fingers to the keys and typed back to him. I’m not afraid of you. I have a really good feeling about you. I hope I can trust my women’s intuition, I confessed.

  I have a good feeling about us too, baby, he responded.

  I just had to get through one last weekend as a single because I was going to make this work. I would be nice, witty, and thin. I’d workout all weekend and just eat salad. I’d make him feel like he was good-looking no matter what he looked like.

  With our date all set, we went back to telling each other about our days. The routine was just in place. He wanted to hear everything, and he shared a lot, too. It was just so easy to talk to him. I figured that was the most important thing anyway. In the years to come, sex would be seldom, according to my friends. Friendship would be important then. Besides, I wanted to have a child before I got any older.

  I wanted what everyone else had, a husband who liked me and a family. One child would be nice. Two would be perfect.

  If I had to go to one more baby shower and listen to anyone tell me how lucky I was not to have children, I would flip out.

  Sure, I could do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I never had to fight with my husband or explain why I had spent money on a too expensive dress. But maybe I wanted a husband to notice what I did. I was alive, but I wasn’t sharing my life with anyone.

  I felt a need to tell him that. I like having you to talk to. Life isn’t worth living if you don’t have anyone to share it with.

  I know what you mean. I really hope that you aren’t disappointed when you meet me, he wrote back.

  Fat chance. I was more than interested in him. He was already more real to me than people I knew from my real life. I’m not like that. I have already come to be so dependent on you and on your messages. I need you. I hope I’m not chasing you away?

  He responded immediately. Of course not. You’re my best girl. Never forget that. Remember how well we get along when you see me. I’m really worried about you not wanting me. We get just along so well. Just keep that in mind when you see me.

  It was clear that he wasn’t the Mr. Perfect that every girl wanted. But I wasn’t the Ms. Perfect I was pretending to be either. I needed to let him know that I would give him every chance. After all, I wanted him to give me a chance too. Okay, this may help. I lied about my weight. Add thirty pounds, and then you have my real weight. I have been working out, but the scale just won’t go down. My muscle tone does look a bit nicer, but to make a long story short, I’m not a supermodel.

  I waited. No reply. I had driven him away. I should have just shut up. That was my biggest problem. I needed to think something through at least five times before I said something, and I never did. Now he didn’t want me.

  My chin grew heavy and tears were running down my face.

  As I reached for a tissue, my laptop went ping. I wiped my eyes so I could see where to click the e-mail open.

  Sorry, but I had to laugh so hard I almost fell out of my chair. I don’t care about what you weigh. But I have an idea. You lied about your weight, and I lied about my last name. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t being deceived, or taken advantage of by someone on the net. I worried that I would end up embarrassing myself. I don’t usually respond to spams, but the advertisement for the dating agency came at a moment when I needed it. No one wants to be rejected, or get hurt. I now believe that all of this is on the up and up. I no longer care what my friends, family, and co-workers will think when they find out I had to use online dating to find a woman.

  I wasn’t planning on admitting that to anyone. I typed back.

  Again I had to wait. He didn’t seem to have my problem. He thought about things before he answered.

  Ping. We’ll play it by ear, baby, and decide later.

  I nodded. He was right. He was taking care of things and making the decisions. I liked that. It took the pressure off of me.

  I folded my hands and looked up at the ceiling. “Please, God, let this be the real thing. I need him.”

  Chapter 8 ~ Sandy

  On Thursday afternoon, I sat with the girls in the lunchroom. I was eating a salad that I had brought along from home. They had stopped asking me about that. At first, they had made jokes because I had answered that I didn’t want chocolate anymore, and that I’d rather have a man.

  That had them rolling.

  I got the feeling that they didn’t think that I was going to find a nice man. They hadn’t tried to fix me up in over a year. All of their husband’s single friends had been taken care of and matched away. I was the only one left.

  They were talking about what they were going to do this weekend. Then they started whispering. I sat up a little straighter and tried to listen.

  They were mumbling about a new restaurant in town.

  “Are you guys going out to eat tomorrow?” I asked.

  They traded nervous glances.

  “We reserved a table for eight. You have to reserve by pairs of two. It’s a really fancy, dress up place. It’s romantic, for couples.”

  “But then why are you going as a group?” This had happened before. They wanted to do things as couples very often. They just called me when they needed a babysitter or a friend to go shopping with them. They needed someone who didn’t need to find a babysitter themselves or beg her husband to let her go along.

  I was getting the feeling that I needed new friends. Mine had outgrown me.

  I swallowed hard, wondering why everyone but me had found someone. This just wasn’t fair. Unless there was no such thing as love, and everyone else just paired up because they knew that. Had I wasted time waiting for something that was never going to come?

  ~

  I was glad when work was over, and I got to go home.

  I sat down on my sofa and looked around my apartment. Here I was thirty-four-years-old, and I didn’t have a boyfriend. I had nothing. And now my friends were pushing me away because I was unnecessary. Two is a couple; three is a crowd.

  I buried my face in my hands. I just couldn’t stop crying.

  Chapter 9 ~ Keith

  I was in the middle of the crowd, smiling, and signing autographs when I felt my cell vibrating. Someone was calling me. All the people that knew me in real life knew where I was tonight. It was at the premiere of my movie in New York. That meant it could only be Sandy.

  I continued to smile, but I had a feeling that I should take this call. Sandy didn’t usually call. I had given her my number, but we hadn’t talked on the phone yet. We were saving that for this weekend.

  My phone vibrated and then stopped. She had sent me a text message.

  I stepped away from the crowds and peeked at the phone.

  It said, Is this real?

  I closed my eyes and dialed. My girl needed me right now.

  “Hello, Keith. Am I bothering you?” I could hear that she was crying.

  “Baby, you never bother me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I just need to hear that this isn’t a game. That you’ll really be at my door on Tuesday evening, and that you sincerely what to have a relationship with me. I mean that you want to meet me and try.”

  “Baby, what happened? What are you worried about?” I asked, ignoring the cheering crowd behind me and straining to hear her.

  “My friends, like all of them, are going out this weekend. They didn’t invite me because I am the only one who is all alone.” I heard her sigh.

  “I really shouldn’t be dumping my problems at your door. This really wasn’t the first impression that I wanted to make,” she confessed.

  I had to smile. �
�Baby, make plans with your friends for next weekend. We will go together. That will show them. You can cancel if you don’t like me on Tuesday. Does that help?”

  I heard her giggle a little. “I won’t do that. We wanted to take this slowly. Besides, they might scare you away.”

  I was getting a feeling that nothing could scare me away. “Baby, I have to go into a meeting. I’ll call you as soon as I’m finished. We will talk all night. I promise, baby. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “Good bye, baby.” I hung up and turned back to the crowds. They were screaming again.

  The reporters asked who had called. I gave them a coy smile and told them it had been a very good friend.

  Chapter 10 ~ Sandy

  It was late when my phone rang. I had stayed up, waiting for his call. There had come a time in the night when I thought that he had forgotten me, but then my phone rang.

  “Baby, are you still awake?” Keith asked me.

  “Yes, I am.” I had to smile, hearing his voice. There was something comfortable and almost familiar about it.

  “Are you feeling better, baby?” he asked me.

  “Yes, I am. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you,” I apologized. It embarrassed me that I had called him to complain. It had been a stupid thing to do.

  “Yes, you should have. Besides, I helped, didn’t I?” He wanted to be praised like a dog after bringing you his ball so you could throw it for him.

  “Yes, you did. It felt good to have someone to turn to,” I confessed.

  “I’m glad I could help.” I could literally hear him smiling. But I could also hear a lot of people in the background. “I’m sorry your friends hurt you,” he told me. His words dripped with sympathy. He was such a great person.

  “This has been going on for a while now,” I confessed. “We’re growing apart. My friends seem to be done with me. They’ve moved on, and I landed in the acquaintance zone.”

  That made him laugh. “I’m sure they love you. They just want to talk to someone who’s also going through the same things they are. I’m sure they have no idea how much they hurt you. If they knew, they’d feel terrible about it.”

  “How can you be so sure? You’ve never met them,” I pointed out.

  “That’s how life is. In reality, we’re all running inside a plastic bubble that shrinks our point of view. They see your life and probably remember how great being single is. They completely forget that when they come home from work, there’s no one there to greet us. I mean them,” he corrected himself.

  “Yeah, that is the hard part,” I agreed with him.

  “I’m glad I was able to help.”

  “You always do. Talking to you is the highlight of my day. By the way, I like your voice. You should do radio.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” he responded. He sounded happy. The compliment made his day.

  “What’s going on there?” I finally asked. I could hear a constant commotion going on behind him in the background.

  “The meeting went well, and now we’re celebrating. The critics loved our product.”

  “Really? That’s great. What does your product do?” I asked him, fishing for information. He’d been vague about what he did for a living.

  “I’ll tell you all about it on Tuesday. I have a confession to make.”

  “What is it?” I asked him, hoping he would tell me his secret so I could get used to the idea of whatever it was.

  “I really like you, Sandy,” he told me.

  “I like you too, Keith. I’ll keep that in mind when we meet. You don’t have to be nervous,” I assured him.

  He was quiet for a while.

  “Is everything alright?” I asked him.

  “I lied about something on my questionnaire. I want more than a long-term relationship. I’m looking to get married.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I figured that he would want to at least look at me first.

  “I lied about something else too. Well, I didn’t lie. I just never mentioned it. It’s not really something that I’m proud of.”

  “Sandy, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

  “I think it might be easier to tell you on the phone. I’ll chicken out if were face to face because it’s kind of embarrassing.”

  “Okay, but I’m not pressuring you.”

  I had to keep in mind that he wasn’t alone, but I didn’t want to tell him later and have him say goodbye to me after we’d met either.

  “My parents are pretty religious. It was a big thing back home that my parents said that I should wait until I’m married.”

  He was quiet again. Then he finally spoke. “Wait for what, baby?” he asked.

  “You see the thing is … I’m a virgin,” I blurted out.

  He was quiet again.

  “I’m not crazy religious anymore,” I stuttered, trying to explain why I had announced that to him over the phone. “And I don’t plan to wait for marriage, but you should know that I don’t have any experience. I waited so long that I just never thought it would be right telling anyone. People assumed that I have, but I haven’t yet. I’m not prude or anything. It was just never the right time or the right guy. Are you mad at me?” I asked him when I stopped rambling on.

  He still hadn’t said anything. I knew that he would think about what he wanted to say before he said it.

  “Thank you for sharing that with me. It was important that I know. You’re a real lady. I’ll treat you like one,” he promised.

  Now I was the one at a loss for words.

  “I have to get back. I want you to get some sleep, baby. I love you. Bye.”

  “Bye,” I answered him and hung up before I really thought about it.

  Had he just said that he loved me?

  Chapter 11 ~ Keith

  Did I just tell her that I loved her? Was that wise?

  Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t. I felt so close to her. I knew that she might not be the same way she was online. She did have a tendency to overreact. Those were warning bells that I was choosing to ignore.

  If she didn’t behave, the palm of my hand would have a chat with her rump. I thought about her ass sometimes, wondering what it would be like when I gave her a slap. Now, I knew that it would jiggle for me. For some reason, hearing that she had more weight on her than I had thought made her more attractive. I wanted to have a real woman to come home to. I wanted someone who wasn’t in the business. I didn’t want to fight with her schedule and mine.

  I’d actually prefer it if she quit work. After all, she worked at what I considered a man’s job. I wanted better for my wife.

  I was getting ahead of myself again. We hadn’t even met, and I was planning our daily life.

  I decided that I wouldn’t mention her quitting until we were engaged. At that point, I would insist that she quit. Besides, planning a wedding was a full-time job. Our wedding would be something special.

  Suddenly, I heard what I was thinking, and it scared me. I wanted her too much.

  What you covet will never be yours. That’s what my pastor used to say. He explained that if you wanted something too much, you’ll never get it.

  I had wanted to become an actor, but I hadn’t coveted the job. I worked for it. That was the difference.

  I would meet Sandy and listen to my heart. If I wanted her, I would work to get her.

  I spent the rest of the night acting as if I were having a good time. I made the connections I needed. But while I did that, I thought about Sandy’s worries. She feared that her friends were pushing her away. What would they say when she turned up on my arm?

  I hoped no one would hurt her by pretending to like her more than they did only to get close to me. That would break her heart. She would turn to me at that moment, and I’d know that she had a problem because of me. A regular guy wouldn’t cause a problem like that.

  Sandy was already used to coming to me with her problems. I liked that. I needed to
hear real people problems and help her with them. It was good for me. In my life, I had people who kept problems away from me. They negotiated things to my advantage for me. I didn’t have to lift a finger.

  The only problems I had were personal. I had shared my fears with Sandy too, like a real couple would. I felt like a heel because I left out that I was famous. Maybe it would be fair to give her heads up.

  But would she believe me? Sandy had a sensitive soul that I needed to protect. Back and forth, I debated telling her, but I decided against it.

  She’d need to see me to believe me.

  I feared that she might send me away because I’d lied to her. It was too late to bail out. My heart was already involved.

  I feared that I would become her boyfriend no matter what because I was so lonely and dependent on her already. I didn’t want to do anything stupid.

  But it was already too late for that. She had me hook, line and sinker.

  Could people really fall in love over the Internet? Because I think that I did.

  Chapter 12 ~ Sandy

  I went to the store and bought more salad. I really didn’t want to blow this. That meant that I had to stay strong and eat healthy.

  At the check-out, I saw that Keith Davenport probably had a girlfriend. There were pictures of him, talking to his girlfriend while on the red carpet.

  Would I ever be that important to someone? So important that they would walk away from their big movie night just to talk to their girlfriend, me.

  Fat chance, I thought.

  I sighed and paid for my food.

  I was getting sick of eating healthy food. I longed for a cookie. I loved cookies.

  I wondered if I’d be the pretty one in our relationship. Like I’d told myself before, I would love him no matter what. Opportunity didn’t knock twice.

  I went home and spent the day working out with my DVD’s and watching videos online. I was learning a lot about weight loss.