by Jennie Adams
‘I was so focused on making money as fast as I could. Instead of paying attention to what was happening to Alex, I let weeks go by without checking on him.’
He’d allowed the old adage of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ to take hold in him.
Cecilia’s expression sobered. ‘Go on.’
‘Brent had been keeping closer contact with Alex, but he got some work that took him away for a month.’ Here Linc’s eyes clouded over, as though in remembered pain. ‘He came and saw me one night and asked me to make sure I visited Alex often. Brent was worried about a new employee the orphanage had taken on. He thought the man could be violent. With him going away, he knew he couldn’t keep an eye on him.’
‘Oh, Linc...’ Cecilia wasn’t sure that she did want to know the rest.
‘I checked on Alex just once—asked if he was doing okay.’ Linc shook his head. ‘I asked him if he’d mind if I didn’t come in much because I was so busy. He didn’t want me to worry or feel I had to leave my work because of him, so he told me everything was fine.’
‘But it wasn’t?’ Cecilia almost whispered the words.
Linc forced the rest out. ‘When I finally visited Alex again, he was trying to hide that his ribs were bruised.’ Linc closed his eyes for a moment. ‘That man had beaten Alex where he knew no person would be able to see it. He’d done it because he was mean and because he could—and I’d allowed it to happen. I didn’t listen when Brent expressed his concerns, and I put it on Alex to tell me whether something was wrong or not. And he didn’t want to stop me being able to work.’
The self-condemnation and the agony of what had occurred while Linc should have been on watch were rife in his tone as well as in his words.
‘Oh, Linc. You must have been devastated.’ She offered the words carefully, and she had to add, ‘But surely you know that might have happened even if you were visiting? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who do such things any chance they get.’
‘I took Alex straight out of there, of course.’ Linc said it as though there couldn’t possibly have been any other option. ‘I walked him out on the spot and consequences be damned. Brent and I kept him hidden until he was old enough that the authorities couldn’t take him from us. It was only a few months. Why didn’t I do that in the first place?’
‘Because you didn’t know.’
Cecilia could only imagine how he must have felt—how hard it must have been for Linc to face Brent as well, knowing that he’d failed to give the situation the attention he should have at the time.
‘You removed Alex from the threat as soon as you could. That was a good thing.’
‘Yeah, but way too late.’ Linc shook his head, as though that just hadn’t been enough. ‘He’d been beaten for trying to protect one of the smaller kids.’
‘You know, none of us are infallible—’
‘Not like this.’ His tone was harsh and filled with self-directed censure. ‘I left my brother there to be harmed—and I did it even though Brent had brought his concerns to my attention. Thanks to me, Alex ended up being preyed on by that guy. And it wasn’t just about the physical beating. There are emotional scars from things like that, which last much longer.’
Had Linc and Alex talked about this? Did Alex blame Linc? Cecilia couldn’t imagine that. In fact, she was convinced that Alex not only would have forgiven him long ago, but that he would never have blamed Linc in the first place.
‘It sounds to me as though Alex had the bravery to step in where a lot of other young boys wouldn’t have to protect the other children.’
‘I guess that’s the irony.’ Linc glanced at his hands before his gaze met hers again. ‘Brent and me, we raised him well in there. His ethics were rock solid.’
Yet Linc couldn’t let himself experience anything that resembled forgiveness for his own actions. Cecilia could see that very clearly now.
His words as he went on confirmed it. ‘It was way too easy for me to forget about him. I’ve had to conclude it’s a character flaw in myself.’ He drew a breath. ‘There’s something wrong—wrong in me—to make me able to do that. They chose to become my brothers, and I let them down. I don’t deserve the kind of happiness they’ve found.’
Cecilia realised in that moment that this was Linc’s morning-after talk. He’d gone away and thought about what they’d shared, and he’d ruled out the possibility of any kind of a future for them because this part of his history was insurmountable for him. He couldn’t forgive himself. He believed there was a flaw in his make-up that made him unworthy.
Oh, Linc. How could you believe that about yourself when you’re such a good person?
Yes, he’d made a mistake—but people did that. He’d been young! He’d also been breaking himself, trying to secure things so they could all be safe, so he could make a life for all of them outside of their horrid upbringing.
Had Linc thought about and longed for a future with Cecilia as she had with him? Was that why he was saying all this now?
Cecilia couldn’t let herself think that he was saying it because he’d realised how she felt about him.
As she hesitated, trying to formulate words, trying to know what to say, to understand where she stood and try to figure out what to do, Linc got to his feet.
‘I had to tell you.’ He seemed to be experiencing a deep pain but also to be resolute. He drew a breath. ‘The time we shared together was the most precious I’ve experienced in my life, but I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen and...and I can’t let it happen again. You understand why now. You deserve more. I hope you’ll forgive me.’
Linc left the room.
* * *
‘We may still have no news on our wanted man, but I can give you some good news about the nursery.’ Linc spoke the words the following day as he sat back from his computer.
They were in Cecilia’s small office at the plant nursery. Cecilia wasn’t as jumpy as she’d been the day before. Maybe she should have been, but she’d had very little sleep...and her heart hurt. She suspected that if she let herself feel everything to the depths that she could at the moment, she might break down.
She’d made her decision. There was no other choice that she could see. Her love for Linc would never be returned. She was trying to accept it, to be grateful that he didn’t know how she felt. But mostly she was just trying to hold a great wall of pain at bay.
What news could Linc have? They were going ahead with the masked ball. They hadn’t told anyone other than their staff about the issues going on. If need be, they would bring in the biggest contingent of undercover security any place had ever seen, but they would go ahead.
Cecilia couldn’t actually think of any other good news to do with the nursery. She had news for Linc that would affect the nursery, but she doubted he would want to hear that. Then again, maybe it would be an answer to his prayers.
She forced her gaze up and away from her inspection of the catering lists spread across the desk in front of her. It wasn’t easy to look at Linc, but she did it.
‘What is it?’
‘I’ve finished the review, and it should be no surprise to you that everything’s fine.’ He drew a breath. ‘I’m more than happy to agree to the percentage share in the nursery that you proposed when you initially approached me about doing this review.’
For a moment she simply didn’t comprehend his words—and then they sank in.
‘I’m grateful for that, Linc, truly I am...’
She fought to say the rest of the words that needed to be said and to keep her chin up while she did it. Now was the perfect time. So she went on.
‘But I won’t be taking the offer up after all.’
She couldn’t stay here—be here while Linc reverted to stopping in periodically, expecting her update calls as he’d done before this review had started.
It wouldn’t matter whether those visits took place weekly or were months apart. Or that those phone calls would be all about business. She would hurt a little more each time she saw him. Because loving someone who didn’t share those feelings would do that to her.
Cecilia understood his self-blame over his brother, his belief that he wasn’t deserving of love. But she did love him. And it hurt her every single moment to know that in the end he simply didn’t share those feelings.
If he did, he would fight for her, whether he regretted his past or not.
‘I thought you were just keeping a presence here today because of the safety issues—though I am pleased about the review results.’ She met his gaze. ‘It’s just that I’ve decided to take up the offer from the Silver Bells flower show committee. I’m going to work for them. Actually, I’m planning to leave here as soon as the masked ball is over. In the end...it’s best. I’m— It’s an exciting new opportunity for me, really.’
She felt like two people. The one sitting there, saying those words and trying to appear calm, as though this was what she wanted to do, and the one who loved Linc and was being torn apart by that love.
‘If this is because—’ Linc’s words were strained.
‘I’ve just realised I’m ready for a change.’ She pushed the lie past her teeth. This was harder than she had thought it would be, and she prayed that she wouldn’t break down.
Linc got to his feet. ‘I—I wish you well. Would you excuse me, Cecilia? I need—’
He didn’t say what it was that he needed. Linc simply left the room.
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘IT LOOKS GOOD, LINC.’
Alex made the comment as he and Linc stood back from the area in the centre of Fleurmazing’s signature maze, which now held a fully constructed and functional raised and canopied dais, in readiness for the masked ball that would commence three hours from now.
‘People are going to love it. And you can relax now, knowing that guy has been caught.’
When Alex had learned that Linc was planning to assist with the construction of the dais, he’d put his hand up to come along and help. Linc hadn’t really wanted the company, yet Alex’s presence had done him good.
Now the construction was finished, and it was just the two of them admiring the result of their handiwork.
Linc glanced at Alex. ‘He was picked up in New Zealand. He’ll face charges and do jail time over there. It’s looking like at least a decade of accumulated charges.’
‘He won’t be allowed back into Australia after that.’ Alex said it with certainty. ‘How’s Cecilia taking all of this?’ His gaze focused on the maze beyond the dais as he went on. ‘She must feel as though she’s been put through a wringer, one way and another.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ Linc asked the question too quickly before he realised Alex probably meant nothing at all beyond the comment itself. ‘Sorry. It’s been a tense time. Cecilia is visiting her sister this afternoon at the correctional centre. I’m sure she’s relieved the guy’s been caught.’
‘You don’t sound real convinced about her state of happiness, brother.’
Those words drew Linc’s gaze to Alex, and he saw his younger brother was looking right at him now.
Alex searched his face. ‘Yet seeing the two of you together just days ago, I would have thought maybe both of you were on the brink of something special.’
Linc didn’t even ask himself how Alex had discerned that. ‘I’m not enough for her. She’s better off without me.’
‘That’s the most foolish rubbish I’ve heard in all the time I’ve known you.’ Alex’s words were sharp. ‘Give me one good reason for that belief.’
‘When the chips are down, I just think about myself.’ Linc fired the volley straight back.
He wanted to tell Alex to keep out of this and mind his own business. His heart hurt, and Alex prodding around in his emotions wasn’t helping. Instead, he flayed himself with their shared past.
‘You of all people ought to know that—considering you were the one who suffered thanks to my self-interest.’
Instead of backing off, Alex took a step closer to Linc to emphasise his response. ‘It wasn’t until recently that I even realised you blamed yourself for what happened way back when I was still in the orphanage. Brent and I always believed you were so locked down about it at the time because you were rightly angry—infuriated that such a piece of scum existed and had got into that place to smack around little kids. Just as we were.’
‘He preyed on you because I failed to keep watch. I failed to protect you—’
‘You’re not to blame. You weren’t the person who bullied me, who had been bullying other kids, as well.’
‘I should have made time to visit you. You and Brent let me into your lives.’ Linc said it with all the pain he’d carried for so long. ‘You chose to accept me as a brother. I was the oldest. I had a responsibility to look after both of you, and in your case I failed.’
‘You mean while you were working yourself into the ground so you’d be able to provide for me once I was old enough to leave?’
Ah, don’t make me out to be a hero, Alex.
‘I don’t think you and Brent realise,’ Linc said slowly. ‘You saved me. I don’t believe I could have handled that place without you both.’
He’d have died from lack of love without them. Maybe not immediately, maybe not for all his lifetime, but inside he’d have died.
Alex’s gaze held his as he responded, ‘We all saved each other. Do you think I shouldn’t have married Jayne because I wasn’t good enough for my parents to want to keep me? Or that Brent shouldn’t have found happiness with Fiona because his father shoved him into that place just as yours did you? Do you think we’re not good enough? Because it seems if you think that way about yourself, that’s how you think about us.’
‘It’s not like that. You’re twisting the situation.’
And yet...
‘This can’t just be about me punishing myself.’ Linc said it slowly. ‘If it is, then I’ve been using it as an excuse—’
To avoid something?
To avoid letting himself love in case he wasn’t loved in return?
‘I love her.’ He uttered it with complete knowledge. ‘I love Cecilia.’
And he’d pushed her away. Shoved her away hard in case—God forbid—she might love him in return. She’d handed in her resignation. After tonight she would be cut off from him.
Alex gripped his arm for a moment, and then let go. ‘Brent and I both love you, Linc. We want you to be happy. Neither of us blame you for the past. You held the three of us together and you should be damn proud of that fact. Just know that the past is the past. If we can both let go of it, so should you.’
As Alex started to leave the area, he turned and a satisfied smile came over his face. ‘Remember how we all went back to the orphanage the night after you got me out? It was probably wrong of us, but we were going to dish out a bit of justice of our own to that guy?’
‘Yeah.’ Linc remembered. ‘The police were there. One of the little kids you’d protected had sneaked into the office and made the call before we could—had told them the guy was there, beating everyone.’
‘The orphanage was shut down and the kids got shifted into better situations. Most of them got placed into loving families.’ Alex raised his brows. ‘Do you think that would have happened if I hadn’t been beaten that one time? For me, personally, I reckon that was worth it.’
Alex left then.
Linc felt humbled. And he had to ask himself: had he been hiding behind the guilt from his past in order to refuse to let himself look ahead and hope for the future? Had he been afraid to love because he hadn’t been loved by his father?
If that was the case, had he left it too late to
do something about it? Had he lost Cecilia forever?
Because in his heart of hearts he knew that he loved Cecilia with everything in him. That the idea of a life without her in it filled him with pain. That he wanted happiness with her if he could find it, and if she would be willing to take him on and try.
The masked ball was hours away.
Linc needed a plan.
He strode from the nursery.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘THANKS, JEMMIE, for all your help.’
Cecilia couldn’t believe the evening of the masked ball was here at last. But everything was in place. Jemmie had stayed after hours to give Cecilia time to go home and change in readiness for the ball itself, but now Cecilia was back, the guests would arrive within the hour and Cecilia’s heart was so torn she didn’t know where to start.
Jemmie said her goodbyes and left the office. At the entrance of the nursery, members of the Silver Bells flower show committee had started to gather. They would greet the guests and send them into the maze to begin what Cecilia hoped would prove to be a magical adventure for each of them.
All Cecilia had to do was get through this night, hold it together and then...
Leave.
Make a complete new start somewhere she’d have some hope of forgetting Linc.
The pressure for tonight to be perfect was even greater because she knew she would be leaving. She wanted to give Linc this one last thing and do it really well. Not that he would see it. With the way things had gone, there was no way he would be here.
But he would hear about tonight and know she’d done a good job.
With a sigh, Cecilia stepped out into the courtyard area, locked the office door after her and made her way into the maze. It was time to go to where the dais had been raised, to check everything one last time and then, as the guests finally began to arrive, to smile and make sure each of them had a night to remember.