Lord knew Keiffer had some, so he’d decided, what the hell. They rode hard. Hiked hard. Shot at targets—his favorite so far. Tonight, Kade mentioned was the topper. Something about a campfire and burning paper. And Keiffer still couldn’t figure out how the steel bat strapped to Kade’s horse came into play.
“Time for some letter writing. Here,” Kade said, passing Keiffer a notebook and pen as they sat around a campfire.
He smirked. “Who am I writing to? Santa?”
“No.” Kade’s gaze was somber. “Greg.”
What the fuck? For the first time in two days, tension gripped his body in a merciless hold. The muscles in his back, neck, and chest were bunched so tight his fingers shook.
“This is a type of cleansing,” Kade continued to explain. “A way to release the shit that weighs us down. It’s how I usually transition from combat boots to cowboy boots. It’s time, Keiffer. Time to open yourself up on paper. No one will see it because we fold up the papers and burn them afterward.”
Keiffer began to relax a little.
“So shake the shadows out. Let them be seen and addressed and put away for good. Not that our demons ever truly go away. But, trust me, Keiffer. This can help, if you let it.”
For several minutes Keiffer stared at the blank paper, fully aware his brother-in-law was scribbling away.
It wasn’t that he didn’t have anything he wanted to say to Greg. Fuck. Yeah, he had a ton to say. He just didn’t know where to start.
Invisible bands squeezed his chest tight again, and the more he thought about confronting Greg, the more Keiffer warmed to the idea. Soon, he had half a page filled. Then two pages. On and on he wrote, yelling at his friend. Then telling him how much he missed him, stated what he had hoped to do with him but now never could.
By the time he finished. He’d written five pages. His hand hurt, and his face was wet. Throat and chest were still tight.
He watched Kade fold his pages then toss them into the fire. Keiffer followed suit. He sat there, still hurting. Still pissed. Guilt-ridden. God, he couldn’t take much more of the guilt. On the last page he’d written, he’d asked Greg to forgive him. He need to hear it. To feel it.
God, he need to his buddy to forgive him for not being there. Not helping him.
Why hadn’t they done something like this?
It might’ve helped. He wasn’t sure what demons had followed his buddy home from Iraq. They all had them, but Greg couldn’t seem to shake them off the last time. As he watched his rantings and ravings and questions and pleas turn to ash, he once again asked his buddy for a sign showing him he was forgiven.
He sat and waited, but nothing happened. The flames crackled. The air crackled with all their pent up tension. It made the horses nervous. Tethered to a nearby tree, they pawed at the ground.
Then Kade rose to his feet, approached his horse, talking low, stroking its muzzle and the pawing eventually stopped. He repeated the process with Keiffer’s horse. Apparently satisfied, the guy left them to head for his pack and remove the bat.
What could he possibly do with a bat in the middle of the night?
Curious, he watched Kade walk to a large boulder furthest from the horses, and start swinging.
Jesus…
Keiffer flinched at the pinging sound. The suffocating energy spiked until Kade eventually stopped, walked over and handed him the bat. He stared at it a beat, then gripped it, suddenly eager to beat the shit of the rock. He’d wanted to beat the shit out of something for so long now he’d forgotten he carried it around, bunching his shoulders.
He shot to his feet and took over the pummeling. All the questions. Anger. Pleas. Every last damn one he’d written, Keiffer now sent them out into the universe with a hell of a swing.
Keiffer kept hitting and hitting and hitting, the impact rippling up into his arms, taxing his muscles, zapping his energy, but still he struck. The incessant ding echoed into the night, until he was too exhausted to go on.
Sweaty and so damn tired, he fell to his knees, silent tears streaming down his face, while his tight chest heaved from the exertion.
A second later, Kade was at his side. He clamped a hand on his shoulder, but didn’t say anything, or ask anything, just showed solidarity. Shared his strength. Silently urged him to work toward finding peace.
After a minute, Keiffer nodded. “Thanks.”
Kade released him, and they both sat back against the boulder, legs bent staring at the flames of the campfire several yards away.
“Why didn’t he talk to me? Tell me how badly he was hurting?” he asked, not expecting Kade to answer. “How could he do that to his family?” To me? “He had no damn right to…” Keiffer’s voice trailed off as his throat closed completely.
He didn’t have the right to leave me. No damn right. How could he leave me with this guilt?
“He wasn’t thinking straight, Keiffer,” Kade said, after they sat in silence for several minutes. “He was tired of trying to outrun his demons. Not everyone is strong enough to face them and overcome.” He clamped a hand on his shoulder again. “But you are. You already proved that tonight.”
He wasn’t sure about that, but he did realize his chest wasn’t as tight, and his head wasn’t pounding. But, damn, he was tired. So tired of running. Avoiding.
Keiffer swiped the wetness from his face. “Probably won’t feel my arms tomorrow.”
His brother-in-law’s lips twitched. “You won’t.”
“Now he tells me.”
Kade chuckled, and together they stared at the flames some more. “You going to talk with Caitlin?”
At the mention of her name, Keiffer’s whole body seized up. “I want her to be happy.”
“Hate to tell you this, buddy, but you make her happy.”
Shit. “I’m no good for her. She’s better off without me. I’ll only hurt her or let her down like everyone else I care about.”
“You haven’t let anyone down,” Kade said, surprising the hell out of him.
He jerked his gaze in to the guy. “How can you say that after I completely fucking froze while Brandi was bleeding?”
“That’s because you haven’t worked on your trigger,” Kade stated firmly. “I’m telling you, therapy does work. Not overnight. Hell, no. It’s going to take some time, but it works. Why the hell would you want to live with the constant pressure on your head and chest as if they’re in a vise? That’s just plain stupid, and you are not stupid, Keiffer. You’re a Wyne.”
A fierce emotion shot through him and woke something inside. “You’re right.”
Wynes didn’t give up. If they could help, they helped, and if they needed help, they accepted it. “You really think therapy can help?”
Kade nodded. “If it could help me deal with my shit enough to let Brandi into my life, it can help you.”
He was glad, damn glad the guy sought help. He was a good man, and loved Keiffer’s sister. The two deserved each other, deserved to be happy.
“So, are you going to talk with Caitlin? You owe her that much.” His brother-in-law’s words knocked the wind out of his sails.
Keiffer blew out a breath and thrust a hand through his hair. “True.”
Before he left Harland County, he’d make it a point to seek Caitlin out to explain, once again, that he was an ass. She deserved better. Surely she saw that now?
Chapter Seventeen
For someone who got a full ride to veterinary school, Caitlin was the most miserable student on campus. At home. At work at the clinic. And now, at the rescue. Even the sweet little kittens couldn’t take away her pain.
Done with work for the day, she sat in the cat room and chilled, letting the trio of cuteness climb all over her. They helped add some warmth to her cold heart, so she’d at least take that as a plus.
It froze when Keiffer told her to go, set her free, as if that was what she wanted. Well, it wasn’t. And she was trying to respect his decision, but his decision sucked. She would’ve told him th
at, too, except he was apparently on a three day trail ride with Kade.
Today was day three.
She was hoping to see the guy before she went home.
“You’re still here.” Sawyer smiled from the doorway. “How was your first week of classes?”
If only she knew. Oh, she went to her classes, but only her body showed up. Her mind was with a troubled cowboy who needed to realize she was good for him, because he was good for her. Dammit.
“Caitlin?”
She blinked and Sawyer’s concerned face came into focus. “Sorry. I was…elsewhere.”
“I can see that.” He grinned. “Focused on a certain long-haired cowboy.”
Rising to her feet, she nodded, thinking more like “troubled”, but long-haired would do.
“I heard he was leaving soon.”
Again, she nodded, and fought of another wave of pain. Her chest was just too wounded to take any more hits.
Sawyer set a hand on her arm. “He’s a fool if he walks away from you.”
At that, her throat heated and vision swam. “I agree.”
His chuckle echoed through the tiny room. “Well, in case you’re interested, I happened to notice him entering his cabin when I drove up just now.”
She straightened and her heart dropped to her knees. Was he going to get in his truck and leave now?
“Go. I’ll put these little guys away.” He pushed her toward the door. “Good luck.”
She’d need it.
And with every step she took to the cabin, her heart echoed that sentiment. Somehow, she had to make him see reason. The past few days had been horrible without him. God, how was she supposed to manage a whole lifetime?
Drawing in a deep breath, and as much bravado as possible, Caitlin knocked on his door. After a few seconds, it swung open and a freshly showered Keiffer met her gaze.
“Caitlin.” He blinked away the joy her appearance brought him and stared at her through a neutral gaze. “Come in. I was going to look for you after I finished getting dressed.”
Very civil of him. Not the getting dressed part. She had no objections to his shirtless form. Ever. But it would be easier to concentrate on what she wanted to say, instead of what she wanted to do. So, she waited quietly by the kitchen island, because there were a few spots they’d christened, and being near them sucked right now. They hadn’t gotten around to using the island, so it was a safe bet.
“Thanks for waiting.” He reappeared with a chocolate Henley that did nothing to lessen his sex-appeal. “I needed to talk to you.”
Her heart was back in her throat. That’s the second time he said that. Could he have realized his mistake? She searched his face, looking for any signs of softening, warmth. Heat. But she only got calm indifference.
She wanted neither.
“About what?”
“To apologize. Again.”
She raised a brow. And a spark of hope flickered through her. “For what?”
“Jesus, Caitlin. What do you mean for what? I was a huge ass the other day. You cannot give me a pass for that. I never thanked you for what you did for me, or for Brandi. You can’t just let that slip by. You have to hold me accountable. To see that I’m bad for you.”
She laughed without mirth. “I will when you see that I am good for you.”
Muttering a curse he walked away.
She followed. “We were good together. You were happy. I know you were.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Grasping his arm, she spun him around. “Yes, it does. You matter, Keiffer. You matter to me. So much.”
“Ah, hell, Caitlin. Don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” she said, swiping the wetness from her face. “I’m just frustrated. I know being with me was helping you. I saw it. I felt it, Keiffer. It was in your gaze. Your touch. Your smile. You were actually smiling.”
“Yeah, well, things change.” He cocked his head. “I don’t want to hurt you, Caitlin. I never did. That’s why I told you from the beginning I was leaving when Kade returned.”
“Yes, you did. You’re absolutely right. Falling in love with you…that’s all on me.” She pointed to herself. “But you falling for me, then pretending you didn’t? That’s not fair, Keiffer.”
He scrubbed a hand down his face and muttered several curses. “Look. I’m not in a good place. My life is screwed up. No way am I subjecting you to that. Risking your heart to it. No way, Caitlin. No way.”
“That’s not entirely your choice.” She poked his chest. “Since it’s my heart, I should have a say in the matter.” Her hands were shaking as she lifted them to cup his face. “My heart is already at risk, and by leaving, you’re going to shatter it.”
He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. “I can’t stay. I don’t want to let you down.” His eyes opened to reveal honest emotion. “I couldn’t bear it. Couldn’t survive it.”
“The only way you’d ever let me down was to not fight for us.” She caressed the stubble on his chin. “So fight your demons, Keiffer. Your fears. Your hang-ups, and I’ll fight mine.”
“What demons do you have?”
She wasn’t thrilled with the change in subject, but fair was fair. “Letting people I care about down. Yeah, I have the same one as you,” she said at his raised brow. “I didn’t lift a finger when my dad beat my mom and sister. And I don’t want to hear I was too young. I was old enough to call the police.”
“And you did.”
“Yeah, after witnessing several beatings. If I had called before, then maybe my mom would still be alive. Shayla would have her dancing career. Wouldn’t have been homeless. Wow.” She straightened her spine and blinked, her heart beginning to race, trying to outrun the disparaging thoughts in her head.
“Wow, what?” Keiffer stepped close to touch her face. “What’s going on?”
“I’m a jinx.”
“What?” His head reeled back. “No you’re not.”
“Yes. I am. My mom, Shayla all because of me. It’s like I am a bearer of—” Her heart literally stopped on the last thought. “Oh, my God.” She shifted her gaze to his. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry, Keiffer.”
“What’s your fault? You’re not making any sense.”
“It makes perfect sense.”
“What does?”
“Greg is dead because of me.”
“What?” His head reeled back. “Fuck that. No he’s not. He died by his own hands. You had nothing to do with it.”
“No?” she scoffed, as nervous energy had her pacing his living room. “I met you. I affected your life. My jinx caused your pain.”
He grabbed her arms and held her in place. “Look at me.” He waited until she did. “You are not responsible for Greg’s death. He is.” The conviction in his tone made her heart catch.
He didn’t blame himself that time.
“And you are not a jinx. You’re just caught in a ripple.”
“A what?”
He smiled. “Look, if your mother had lived and Shayla danced, she never would’ve met Kevin.”
Her pulse was pounding in her ears. “What?”
“You heard me. If you changed that one thing, look at the ripple effect.”
He had a point.
Her mind raced with possibilities. “So, you’re saying things happen for a reason?”
“Yes. I am.”
“Then you know that includes Greg’s death, right?”
He sucked in a breath and nodded. “Yes. No one could know what ripple affects us, or we affect.
“True.” She forced herself to ask the hardest question so far. “Where does that mean for us?”
His hold tightened. “It means a ripple brought you to me, Caitlin.”
She smiled, and burrowed into him. “And I’m so grateful.”
After a moment’s hesitation, his arms tightened around her and she nearly wept. “But, God, I don’t want to screw up and hurt you. I’ve already done that. Twice. What if it happens again?”
Blinking away her tears, she drew back, cupped his face and stared into his eyes. “We’ll get through it again. I want you in my life, Keiffer. There is no other option.”
Throwing his old argument in his face made him smile. “It’s like that is it?”
She nodded. “Yep. You’re stuck with me, Keiffer. I love you. I’m not going to ever give up on you, so what do you say to that?”
His hands slid down to her waist and his gaze was open and raw, and she basked in all she saw.
“I love you, too, Caitlin.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “That’s why I was trying so hard to push you away.”
“I push back.”
“Yes, you do. Thank God.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek, then stroked a finger over her temple, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Looks like you’ve got yourself another rescue.”
She brushed his cheeks with her thumbs. “You’re not a rescue, Keiffer. You’re a blessing…”
He caught the rest of her words in a warm, tender kiss full of the need, and hope, and longing they both shared.
Her heart was full to bursting as she kissed the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with all of those, thanks to a ripple.
Epilogue
As summer approached Harland County, Keiffer marveled at how damn different his life was compared to last year. The constant, merciless grasp pain had had on his soul was now replaced by a fierce warmth, belonging, and acceptance unlike any he’d ever known.
The folks of Harland were great, but Caitlin was responsible for the change in his heart. In his life. Her giving, and strength, and love, made him a better man. Made him want to be a better man for her and he blessed the day she stepped off that damn plane and rocked his world.
“Whatcha thinking?” She approached from the bedroom with a grin, Hewy, Dewy, and Louie at her feet. As usual. The terrifying trio had become a part of her the instant she’d started bottle feeding them back in December.
Her Troubled Cowboy (Harland County Series Book 9) Page 15