Sing

by CD Reiss

  I couldn’t take it any more. Her face was red and strained. Her voice had his a crescendo, and I had been a neglectful, indolent bitch. I bolted up from the chair and put my arms around her and let her cry.

  “It’s okay, ma. We’ll fix it.”

  “I can’t. I tried everything.”

  “I have friends who are lawyers. I can—“

  I could have them look at the paperwork, maybe explain the situation. But I stopped myself. Jonathan was going to offer to buy the house, no doubt, and I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want to go down a road where he started bailing out my family, then my friends. I didn’t want him to trade Jessica’s financial distress for mine. I could soothe my mother for the moment, but in the end, we’d have to let the house go. I’d tell Jonathan I was ok with it. Make it out like it wasn’t a big deal.

  A call came in. Still holding my mother, I slipped the phone out of my pocket. Margie. I missed it by a second and put it back in my pocket while it went to voicemail.

  “Let me see what I can do,” I said. She sniffed and stood up straight.

  “There’s nothing to do. I’m sorry you have to move.”

  “I’ll live.” I waved it off, but I knew I wasn’t convincing. So I changed the subject. “I should have come around sooner.”

  “Yes. You should have.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  A text blooped. My mother and I looked at each other expectantly.

  “This the man with the car?” The tone did not bode well for an intelligent conversation. If I had just learned to stop calling myself a whore, my mother hadn’t. She was in a depressive phase but that could change on a dime.

  “No it’s his sister, probably.”

  I looked. It was a text from Margie, as I expected.

  —Where the fuck are you?—

  The next one came immediately after.

  —He’s bleeding into his chest. Bad suture ripped tissue—

  It took me sixty seconds to say goodbye to my mother, promise her I’d do my best for her, scoop up the papers, and get in the car.

  CHAPTER 15.

  MONICA

  I texted Margie that I’d be there in two hours. It was getting dark already, and I’d hit Los Angeles right around rush hour, which would literally double the time it would take me to get to Sequoia. The hospital was inside a knot of traffic arteries that made it hard to move toward or away from during peak hours. Either poor planning for the sake of the ambulances and women in labor, but if you wanted a central, urban hospital accessible from the five points of LA, it was prime real estate.

  And Jonathan was in the middle of the best cardiac unit in the country, if the internet was to be believed. Whatever happened, I was sure it would be rectified in no time at all. I worried that he might face unpleasantness, and that I wouldn’t be there for him. But he’d be fine. I was sure, positive as a matter of fact, that it wasn’t a big deal.

  I finally got into the waiting room at 7pm, and was redirected to intensive care. I didn’t shake, nor did I panic, because in ten years, this was going to be funny.

  But when I got to intensive care, it didn’t look like anyone was laughing. Fiona blew past me without greeting. Deirdre smiled at me, but she wasn’t like the rest of them. She couldn’t hide her concern. Sheila, who always came off motherly and kind was talking to Margie like she wanted to bite her head off. Doing my own roll call, I counted off. Carrie not coming. Leanne in Asia. Theresa hadn’t been around in days. Eileen stood by Margie, twisting her diamond ring around her finger with her thumb. Her pumps had been traded for sneakers days ago, when her medication had been upped. She waved to me, but didn’t call me over.

  Margie’s presence made me bold. I walked forward.

  “This is unacceptable,” Sheila spoke in clipped vowels and hard consonants, he finger pointed at Margie’s throat. “And you treat it like another day in the park. This hospital fucked up. They as good as killed him.”

  I gasped, and the three of them paused, glanced, ignored.

  “Thanks for the drama,” Margie said to Sheila. “It’s exactly what we need.”

  “You need to start a filing a malpractice suit immediately.”

  “Like hell.”

  “You’re losing your guts.”

  “I want us focusing on Jonathan. Not legal battles. Let them do an inquiry—

  “And start the cover-up.”

  “This is not TV—“

  “I’ll hire my own counsel.”

  “Exactly what he needs.”

  “You—“

  “I agree with Margie,” I said. Six light eyes turned to face me and I got my first ever case of stage fright. “It’s going to take years to sue. A week isn’t going to make a difference.”

  Sheila turned her head, but didn’t commit the rest of her body to face me. She’s been kind to me from the minute I met her, but I had the feeling that was about to change.

  “Who are you?” she spit out.

  She knew goddamn well who I was. Nobody.

  I walked away and wasn’t followed. Good. Fucking Drazens, all of them. Except the one.

  I didn’t know the nurses in the ICU, so I went to the desk and put a harmless look on my face.

  “Hi,” I said to the dark-skinned woman with an armful of charts. “I’m looking for Jonathan Drazen’s room?”

  “He’s down in x-ray. Come back in an hour.”

  I had two choices. Go back and try and find out what I needed from the Family Drazen, or wait in the cafeteria until Jonathan came back. I knew Margie would tell me everything once she shook Sheila, and Sheila herself might even calm down enough to be nice to me. But there was no reason I had to stand there and be abused while I waited.

  As I walked into the cafeteria, I saw Daddy Drazen sitting with a long-haired man in sandals, who had his two year-old daughter on his knee. The man was talking fast with his head down. Declan leaned into hear, and put his hand on the man’s shoulder. He didn’t quite seem like a sociopath, which didn’t mean much of anything. I wasn’t an expert on either Declan or abnormal psychology.

  I got in line for a cup of tea. A song percolated in my head. I went to get my notebook, but dig as I might, it wasn’t in my bag. I must have left it home. Damn it. I took out a Sharpie and got ready to write it on my arm.

  “Monica?”

  I heard my name as I spaced out to the music in my head, trying to get words and rhythm to match.

  “Dr. Thorensen. I mean, Brad. Hi.” He had a white lab coat over his suit, with a nametag clipped to the lapel. “I’ve never seen you at work before.”

  “What are you doing down here?”

  “Getting something to eat. I just got in.”

  He took me by the elbow and sat me down at an empty table. We sat knee to knee on the same side of it.

  “What?” I said.

  “I just had to open a transplant assessment of Mr. Drazen.”

  I don’t know what I must have looked like. Maybe blank, because a sort of vacuity took hold of me, where I expected more information to be poured into my brain. Or maybe I looked puzzled.

  “I don’t understand. It was a bad suture. I know Sheila’s pissed but....”

  But I’d assumed she was flying off the handle. But I’d thought he got x-rays all the time. But I thought it was a complication, not ruination. But I was hanging on to my optimism because I missed it.

  He glanced around, then back to me.

  “Say it,” I said. “I don’t want to hear it from anyone else.”

  “It was a suture inside his heart. The tearing’s very bad. He’s bleeding faster than they can pump it out. If they go in and patch him up...well. They can’t. There’s no room. And the tear has moved into his left ventricle.”

  “Are you going to fix it?” I panicked. It was the panic of someone whose anxiety was a show, because I knew everything was going to be okay. For sure, there was an easy fix for all this, and Jonathan and I would laugh about how silly I was to worry so much
. I couldn’t wait for that laughter. I told the story in my head over an imaginary Thanksgiving dinner, describing the goosebumps on my arms, the dry feeling in my mouth, the sudden breathlessness in my lungs. I’d wax dramatic about holding back tears, and Jonathan would laugh that laugh from deep in his chest, and tears would stream down his own face.

  “I don’t know,” Brad said.

  “What do you mean you don’t know?”

  “We’re still doing the assessment. I have a lot of forms to fill out. I have to talk to the rest of the cardiac team. It’s tricky.”

  “What’s fucking tricky, Brad? You’re either fixing it or you’re filling out fucking paperwork.”

  “Take it easy.”

  “I’m not taking it easy. I will burn your fucking house down if you don’t tell me right now why you assholes can’t fix it immediately.”

  He took my wrists and held me to a sitting position. I knew he wouldn’t have done that unless he knew me, and the privilege of whatever information I’d already gotten was courtesy of a few hours of City of Dis.

  “There’s a good chance, and I don’t know for sure, because I need to review everything with the committee, but I’m pretty sure he’ll need a transplant.”

  “Okay,” I said. I breathed, which I’d forgotten to do. That was a thing. It was a course of action. “Then give him one.”

  “We need a heart, and his blood type? AB negative? It’s rare. He needs to get on the list. Monica, I hope I’m wrong. If the surgical team believe they can go back in and fix it, then this whole conversation is moot.”

  His eyes, deep blue and a little bloodshot, as if he’d been up too many hours, did not waver from mine. He had the confidence of a man who had held a human heart in his hands and made it beat again. A man who had made life and death happen, and for whom Jonathan was just another patient, another puzzle to solve, another career challenge.

  I slipped my hands down until I could hold his hands. I squeezed them and closed my eyes.

  “I want you to understand something,” I said. “That man. He’s not some boyfriend in a line of them. He is my alpha and omega. He is the sky over me. Without him, I’m lost. There’s no one else, no one whose soul balances mine the way his does. I waited my life for him, and when he came I didn’t recognize him. Not until very recently. If I lose him I swear, as God is my witness, I will be alone. No man can match him.”

  When I opened my eyes, Brad was looking at our clasped hands, head down.

  “I didn’t know,” he said.

  “I only live next door.”

  He looked back up to me. “I’ll do my best, Monica. I can’t promise anything. If he needs a new heart, I want you to be ready for a rough time. He doesn’t have forever to bleed into himself, and healthy hearts don’t come all that often. You need to sleep and eat and live your life while you wait.”

  I smirked. “My life is with him, Brad. That’s how I live it. The rest is unnecessary complication.” I felt like Jonathan was there with me, having quoted him.

  We sat like that for a few seconds, where I tried to transmit my seriousness. It felt good to just sit with someone and be, even if it couldn’t last.

  His cellphone beeped. He didn’t even look at it but let go of my hands.

  “That’s my office. I have to go.”

  “Will you let me know?”

  “You’ll know, Monica. You’ll know.” He stood. “Just the sleeping and eating. Do those. Okay?”

  My tea was cold. My granola bar looked more and more like a slab of pressed shit.

  “After I see him. Then I’ll go home and go to bed.”

  He looked at his watch. “Come with me. Hurry.”

  He waved and walked off, hand feeling into his pocket for his phone before he’d even turned around completely. I scuttled behind.

  Examination rooms inside offices inside suites inside wards, around corners and up secret stairs, I followed Brad to x-ray. He spoke to a lady in a pink smock while texting, and Pink Smock gave him the name of yet another space I never would have found on my own, and in that space was a gurney. On it was Jonathan.

  I assumed Brad said good-bye, because by the time I was standing over my lover, Brad was gone.

  Jonathan was either sleeping or unconscious, pale as death, an altar to IV tower gods. I took his hand, pressing my palm to his. He did not respond. It was just warm enough, which was the only way I knew he wasn’t lost. I stayed there until Pink Smock and an orderly came to push him away. I went with them, just to make sure he was okay.

  CHAPTER 16.

  MONICA

  I slept in a random waiting room, despite promising Brad I’d go home. I got up aching everywhere and sat in the cafeteria, writing a song on a napkin. Something moved on the table. I snapped out of it. My notebook, with the NOPA inside was being slid toward me. Declan stood over the table.

  “I thought you might want this,” he said. “You left it here the other day.”

  “Thanks.” I stuffed it in my bag. “You’re like a regular here, these days. Piece of furniture.”

  “Like fiberglass and cheap chrome?”

  “The Drazen sense of humor is genetic, apparently.”

  “Not so apparent.” He sat down. “I haven’t heard my boy crack a joke in twenty years.”

  “He’s funny.” My voice cracked. I put my head down. I couldn’t look at him, because I was about to say ‘he was funny.’ My eyes were stinging and my face got red. I didn’t want this man made of fiberglass and chrome to see me cry over his prodigal son.

  “Margaret told me,” he said.

  I sniffed and tried to get my shit together. “Why aren’t you ever upstairs with them?” I clutched my tea, letting it heat up my icy hands.

  “This is as close as I’m allowed. They don’t want me there. My wife, at least. We sleep on opposite sides of the house. Decades of neglect will do that.”

  “I’m sure it was purely benign.” My raw emotional mood made my feelings hard to hide, and in that unguarded moment, my voice dripped with inappropriately rude sarcasm. I wasn’t being a woman of grace.

  But he seemed to take it in stride. “I had a very, shall we say, intense mid-life crisis.”

  “You shared a mistress with your son. Pretty intense.”

  “Is that what he told you? Interesting. I guess he could have seen it that way. She was a very manipulative girl, but yes, I did plenty I was pleased with at the time, and now...well now I need a golf cart to get to my wife’s bedroom and my son won’t see me.” He massaged his coffee. “Would he be upset if he knew you were at a table with me?”

  “Yeah.” I suddenly felt guilty for being there. Jonathan would not like it. Not one bit. If he was going to get well, he needed to know that I was safe, and I was sure he didn’t think of me as safe around his father. I put the granola bar in my bag.

  “I should go upstairs. It was nice talking to you.”

  “Yes, it was.”

  CHAPTER 17.

  JONATHAN

  I’d already tried to take the fucking little tubes out of my fucking nose. The room lit up like Griffith Park at Christmas and it was Jingle Bells all over again. In my life, I’d be okay if I never get defibrillated again. Odds were not in my favor.

  I had a hard time staying awake for long. Exhaustion from lack of oxygen and a body worn out working for nothing, pumping blood that went down a tube, sucking up more blood from a bag. There was medicine too. Bags of it, going into my hand. And a bag of blood that kept getting replaced like a pot of coffee.

  I remember one of them saying was that I was a lucky man. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I thought it didn’t have a damn thing to do with my health. He was blond. Nordic looking, and I asked him what he meant, but he just went on with another battery of questions that seemed like every other battery of questions every other white lab coat had asked either me, or the person next to them. If I had a dime for every doctor that walked in and talked about me like I wasn’t there, I could b
uy and sell myself. The non-entity of me. The skin bag of pain and discomfort. I didn’t feel like I owned my own body any more. I felt like a piece of meat being kept alive until some day when something happened. Some miracle. Or some news.

  “I’m not here to make you upset,” I felt lucid when Margie said that, my brain snapping to attention at the thought that there was something I should, but shouldn’t be, upset about.

  “Oh, good. You’re here to tap dance.”

  “I love that you have the energy to joke, but not give a shit about your condition.”

  “I give a shit.” The effort it took to speak was monumental, but contact with someone wearing real clothes and not wielding a needle was too welcome to not answer in full. “Guy just came and told me I’m in a world of trouble. There’s just nothing I can do about it.”

  “They called us into a meeting. This must be what it’s about. What did they say?”

  “Let them do their jobs. I can’t...” I drifted off. I couldn’t repeat what the guy with the silver hair had said. Dr. Emerson. Like the poet.

  As if understanding she put her hand on my shoulder.

  “There’s something I took care of while you were down,” she said. “It’s going to create drama.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay, you have no problem with it?”

  “Okay, tell me what it is.”

  “Monica’s broke. She hasn’t been going to work because she’s been hanging around Sequoia Hospital like she works here.”

  “Fuck.” My life spinning out of control was bad enough, but I was taking Monica with me.

  “I’m giving her money and saying it’s from you. You’re going to back me up.”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.”

  “Margie?” I raised my hand a little and she took it, coming closer to me so she could hear.