All The Fire

by Anne Mather

  ‘All right,’ Joanne nodded, and after carrying her cases up to the front door, Jimmy ran back and getting into the car he left her.

  After they had gone, Joanne entered the house, and closing the door she leaned back against it thankfully. There was relief in being amongst familiar things again, and this house had been her home for many years and retained a kind of homely atmosphere even though it was empty. Not that her mother had ever been a particularly demonstrative woman, but she had provided the necessary stay of a background and Joanne had loved her dearly. Even meeting her father and realizing that all was not what it had once seemed had not changed her feelings for her mother. Mrs. Nicolas must have thought she was right in what she was doing, and in any case it was too late now to rail against what might have been.

  In the kitchen, Joanne put on the kettle. She might not have any milk, but at least she could make herself some black coffee. It was quite a mild day and she didn’t need a fire yet, so she carried her cases upstairs and began to unpack. It wasn’t until she got to the bottom of the first case that she came upon the striped beach coat which Marisa had lent her. The inanimate article did what no amount of antagonism could have done, it brought the painful burning of tears to her eyes, and with a broken sob she sank down on the bed and buried her face in its soft folds.

  She was still sitting there crying quietly ten minutes later when the doorbell rang and she almost jumped out of her skin. Hastily, she got to her feet and went over to the dressing table mirror. She looked terrible. Her eyes were all red and swollen and her cheeks were streaked with tears. If it was Jimmy, come back to make sure she was all right, she would feel absolutely awful.

  Sniffing, she wiped her eyes, and went slowly downstairs. The silhouette was not big enough for Jimmy’s, and she drew open the door a couple of inches and peeped out. ‘Mrs. Thwaites!’ she exclaimed. ‘Oh, thank goodness, I thought it was Jimmy!’

  Mrs. Thwaites was standing holding a pint of milk and a paper bag in which Joanne was sure resided some bread and butter and probably something appetizing to have with them. ‘Hello, Joanne,’ she said, smiling apologetically. ‘I – I - er - don’t want to intrude, but I saw you come back and I thought you might not have anything in the house.’

  Joanne shook her head welcomingly. ‘Oh, Mrs. Thwaites, come in,’ she said. ‘You’ll have to excuse the way I look, that’s all.’

  Mrs. Thwaites stepped into the hall and Joanne closed the door, then she uttered a gasp and ran along the hall to the kitchen which was filled with steam from the kettle which was still boiling on the stove. When the kettle was successfully dealt with, she indicated that her neighbour should come through to the lounge and then said: ‘Thanks very much. I’ve been longing for some tea.’

  Mrs. Thwaites studied her face for a moment, then nodded. ‘Look, love,’ she said, ‘I won’t stay. You’ll have things to do, no doubt, and I’m just across the way if you want me.’

  Joanne wouldn’t hear of it. ‘Don’t be silly. I’m only too glad to see you,’ she insisted. ‘How are you? How’s everybody?’

  Mrs. Thwaites set down her parcels. ‘Well, we’ve all been to the doctor’s with colds,’ she admitted smilingly. ‘But we’re okay now.’

  ‘That’s good. We - we’ve had a marvellous time. Did Mrs. Lorrimer tell you about Jimmy coming out?’

  ‘Oh, yes. I should think everyone knows,’ remarked Mrs. Thwaites wryly. Then she shook her head. ‘Dear me, that sounds bitchy, and it wasn’t meant to be. She told us you were coming back today, of course. She said she and her husband were going up to town to pick you up at the airport.’

  ‘That’s right, they did. Mrs. Lorrimer wanted me to go there for tea, but I said I’d rather come back here.’

  ‘How was your father?’ Mrs. Thwaites frowned.

  Joanne sighed. ‘As well as can be expected, I suppose,’ she said sadly. ‘But he’s marvellous, Mrs. Thwaites, really! And I liked him on sight!’

  ‘That’s good.’

  Joanne nodded. ‘Yes, isn’t it? His - his wife is - nice, too. Andrea, she’s called. And they have a daughter, Marisa, my half-sister.’

  Mrs. Thwaites shook her head. ‘Well, I never. That would be grand for you.’

  ‘It was. But - but it’s nice to be home again.’

  Mrs. Thwaites nodded understanding. ‘Well, I’d best be going. Joe’s waiting for his tea.’ She hesitated. ‘Would you - I mean - do you want me to come back later, for a bit of company like!’

  Joanne compressed her lips. ‘Would you?’

  Mrs. Thwaites nodded. ‘Of course. I’ll be round about seven. Now you make yourself that tea and have some of the ham I’ve brought over. I just boiled it this morning, and I’ve put in a small jar of that chutney I made last September.’

  Joanne felt warmed. ‘You’re so kind,’ she murmured, biting her lips.

  ‘Nonsense! Now stop all this weeping and go and put that kettle back on!’

  Later in the evening, when Mrs. Thwaites returned, Joanne did indeed feel better, and she had washed her face and combed her hair and changed into a pair of purple trousers and a close-fitting polo-necked sweater of a dark green shade. Sombre colours always suited her fairness, and the tan she had acquired was rather attractive.

  However, the two women had scarcely settled themselves in front of the fire that Joanne had had to light as the evening grew chilly before there was another ring at the doorbell.

  ‘Jimmy!’ said Joanne gloomily, and Mrs. Thwaites got hastily to her feet. ‘Oh, please,’ Joanne exclaimed. ‘Don’t go!’

  Mrs. Thwaites frowned. ‘But he won’t like me being here.’

  ‘Then he’ll have to lump it,’ retorted Joanne, with a return of her old spirit.

  However, Jimmy seemed disinclined to stay after he found Mrs. Thwaites there, and although he sat down for a while he seemed glad enough to go after excusing himself on the grounds that he had plenty to tell his parents. After he had gone, Joanne heaved a sigh of relief and came back to her seat to relax completely.

  ‘I can’t marry him, Mrs. Thwaites,’ she asserted, suddenly almost shocking herself by the cold realization.

  ‘I never thought you should,’ remarked Mrs. Thwaites calmly.

  Joanne blinked rapidly. ‘What did you say?’

  ‘You heard me, Joanne. I said I never thought you should marry Jimmy Lorrimer. Oh, he’s a nice boy, all right. A reliable boy, and he’ll make some girl a good husband, but not you. You’re too much like your mother, I’m afraid. You’d break his spirit within a couple of years.’

  Joanne was taken aback. ‘That - that’s a terrible accusation to make!’ she protested.

  ‘I know. But I’m afraid it’s the truth. Surely you can see why I say this. He gives in to you, too much. You make him dance to your tune all the time. When did he ever make you do something you didn’t want to do?’

  Joanne bent her head. ‘You’re making me feel like a shrew!’

  Mrs. Thwaites chuckled. ‘No, I’m not. You’re just not suited to a meek man like Jimmy. Be thankful you’ve realized this now. What if you had already been married - maybe with children!’

  Joanne got to her feet and paced about the room moodily. ‘Jimmy loves me,’ she said defensively.

  ‘And you think that’s enough? For him to love you?’

  ‘I don’t know what to think.’

  ‘You were the one who said you couldn’t marry him,’ pointed out Mrs. Thwaites. ‘What did you expect me to say? Did you half hope I’d attempt to persuade you that you should?’

  Joanne compressed her lips. ‘Maybe I did at that,’ she said uncomfortably.

  Mrs. Thwaites heaved a sigh. ‘Honestly, Joanne, you need putting in a bag and shaking up! All right, go ahead and marry Jimmy. You know you’ll have my blessing, whatever you decide to do,’

  Joanne hunched her shoulders. ‘Marriage,’ she murmured. ‘What does it mean anyway?’

  Mrs. Thwaites sighed. ‘Well, it isn’t all a bed of roses.
And it means a lot more than looking after a home and family.’

  Joanne turned away, sliding her ring off her finger. ‘But how can I let him down?’ she pleaded unhappily.

  Mrs. Thwaites shook her head. ‘It’s your decision, Joanne. You must do what you think best.’

  But later that night, lying in bed, Joanne was still undecided. She was in the unhappy position of feeling obligated to the Lorrimers, and although she knew it was ridiculous, she would hate to let them down. Of Jimmy she was doubtful. He was not the kind of young man to allow something like this to devastate him. On the contrary, it was quite probable that he would spread it around that he had actually finished with her. But Mrs. Lorrimer - that was something else again. And Joanne disliked hurting anyone. She was not by nature a vindictive person and it seemed so cruel somehow.

  But then she thought of Dimitri, and she knew it would be even more cruel to marry Jimmy, letting him think she loved him, when all the time he was making love to her she would be deluding herself that it was the Greek. She had not wanted this to happen, until she actually met Dimitri she would never have believed something like this could happen, but from the outset she had been aware of him and the physical attraction had deepened to encompass his whole being, body and soul.

  A week later, Joanne was on her hands and knees in the front garden of her home endeavouring to clear the borders of weeds with a small trowel, when the gate opened and Mrs. Lorrimer came through. Joanne looked up nervously, noticing the older woman’s set face.

  ‘Can we go inside, Joanne?’ she said sharply. ‘I want to speak to you.’

  Joanne got to her feet, brushing the soil from her old jeans. ‘Of course,’ she agreed, leading the way up the path and into the house. ‘Shall we go into the lounge? Just let me take off my shoes. They’re rather muddy, but the garden was in such a state—’

  ‘That will do, Joanne!’ snapped Mrs. Lorrimer, marching into the lounge. ‘This talk about the garden is of no interest to me. You must know why I’m here. Jimmy has told us what you told him last night!’

  Joanne sighed. ‘Well, I’ve been trying to tell him since I got back—’

  ‘Enough! I want to know what you think we are? We’re not fools, Joanne! Jimmy’s father and I are absolutely astounded that you should imagine you can just call the whole thing off, just like that! What reasons have you for doing such a thing? What possible excuse can you make?’

  Joanne’s cheeks burned. ‘I told Jimmy the truth,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t love him, that’s all.’

  ‘That’s all! That's all! And what has caused this sudden change of heart?’

  Joanne shook her head. ‘Mrs. Lorrimer, please. I didn’t want to do this. But isn’t it better that we should find out now that we’re not suited than wait until we’re married and then have to get a divorce?’

  ‘Oh, how can you talk that way?’ Mrs. Lorrimer sniffed. ‘Jimmy’s a wonderful boy!’

  ‘I know, I know.’ Joanne pressed the palms of her hands together.

  ‘And you know very well that Jimmy’s father and I would see you were comfortably settled! Why, we’ve even been considering buying you a house outright, all of your own. And Jimmy has money - he can buy anything you want to go in it ...’

  Joanne heaved a sigh. ‘But, Mrs. Lorrimer, money has nothing to do with it. I know Jimmy will make some girl a marvellous husband. He’s kind and generous, and protective. But not me! Honestly, not me!’

  Mrs. Lorrimer stared at her for a moment, then she collapsed on the couch in tears, pressing a handkerchief to her eyes. ‘Oh, what will the neighbours think?’ she sobbed bitterly. ‘For the last four weeks I’ve talked of nothing else but your wedding. I’d made such plans for us. I was going to suggest we went up to town and chose some of that beautiful Italian lace for your wedding dress! Oh, Joanne, how could you do this to us!’

  Joanne felt terrible. She was shaking all over, as much from anxiety at Mrs. Lorrimer’s grief as from her own feelings. She didn’t know what to say, what to do. There was no way she could comfort the other woman. Unless ... Unless she went back on her word. But that would be stupid and futile. Sooner or later it would have come to this anyway.

  ‘Mrs. Lorrimer, please,’ she began. ‘Try to understand my point of view. I - I just want to do what’s right. I couldn’t marry Jimmy and deceive him in that way, could I?’

  ‘But why don’t you love him any more?’ exclaimed Mrs. Lorrimer, blowing her nose hard. ‘How can you have come to that decision? What happened to make you change your mind?’ She stared at Joanne intently, and as Joanne coloured under her gaze, she gave a sudden exclamation. ‘Of course,’ she cried. ‘Why didn’t I think of it before? It’s that man, isn’t it? That Greek - er - Dimitri something or other! Joanne, I am right, aren’t I?’ She got to her feet, going close to the girl. ‘Admit it! That’s what all this is about.’

  Joanne held up her head. ‘Maybe it is, and then again maybe it isn’t,’ she said tautly.

  ‘Oh, don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes, it’s as plain as day!’ Mrs. Lorrimer sneered. ‘So that’s why Jimmy’s been thrown over. For that filthy foreigner!’

  ‘It’s not like that at all.’ Joanne had to defend herself somehow. ‘I mean absolutely nothing to Mr. Kastro. Nor has this - this - affair anything to do with him.’

  ‘No?’ Mrs. Lorrimer frowned. ‘No, well, I suppose you’re hardly his cup of tea, are you? I mean - well, in these foreign places marriages are arranged almost as soon as the children are born.’ A thought struck her. ‘No doubt he’s married already.’

  ‘No doubt.’ Joanne was too tired to argue.

  ‘So that’s it.’ Mrs. Lorrimer nodded. ‘Well, I think you’re all kinds of a fool, Joanne. You won’t find another boy like Jimmy willing to fall in with your every mood.’

  ‘I believe you.’ Joanne was impassive.

  Mrs. Lorrimer stared at her for a moment longer and then with an exclamation of disgust she marched out of the house. Joanne waited until the front gate banged and then she sank down weakly on to the couch, uncaring of her muddy jeans. She didn’t cry. She just buried her face in her hands, feeling absolutely desolated. She was alone, completely alone now. Not even her father’s existence could assuage her devastation.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Joanne resumed her job at the group practice the following week. The doctors were all pleased to see her back, but as her replacement had worked so diligently in her absence she realized that workwise she had not been missed. The group practice was after all a busy machine that required so many wheels and so many cogs, and she was just another cog. She had written to her father immediately on her return telling him that everything was fine but omitting to mention that she had broken her engagement to Jimmy. She knew if she told him such a thing he would likely insist that she return to Dionysius at once, and while she would have liked to have spent more time with her father she knew that neither Andrea nor Marisa would welcome her news. No, she would wait until later when she was more able to face her problems sensibly.

  Life settled back into a pattern, and although naturally she missed her mother’s presence, now that she had the house to herself she found plenty to occupy her time. Mrs. Thwaites was of the opinion that she would be more comfortable in a small flat, but somehow Joanne was loath yet to leave all that was familiar. So she divided her time between working at the practice and housework, and used her leisure hours to experiment with various dishes and to make her own clothes. She didn’t go out a lot, although once the partners in the practice realized how she was situated their wives started inviting her to supper of an evening and produced several eligible young men for her to meet. Occasionally, she treated herself to a visit to a concert or the theatre, but mostly she occupied her time in other ways.

  And, despite their broken engagement, Jimmy still came to visit her. At first Joanne had been doubtful about this, but as the weeks went by she found she could enjoy his friendship now that the question of thei
r marriage was no longer a problem. If Jimmy hoped that by this method he might conceivably persuade her to change her mind, he was deluding himself, but gradually news filtered through to Joanne that he was dating another girl. Joanne’s initial reaction was one of impatience that he should have allowed her to hear it from another source when he could so easily have told her, and then she realized that he would doubtless imagine that she would be upset by the news.

  It was the middle of May and the days were getting long and warm. And there were even times when Joanne felt almost happy. She walked to and from the practice every day and spent her evenings in the garden. There was a stretch of lawn at the back of the house, and after supper she would take her sewing or a book and relax in a deckchair, listening to the lazy sounds of the insects in the flowers and the birds that were nesting in the eaves. She wrote regularly to her father and received occasional responses from him, but naturally he was looking forward to her second visit to the island with great anticipation while she avoided all mention of Jimmy and the wedding which was not to be.

  One evening, she was invited to a dinner party by Mrs. Hastings, the wife of Dr. Hastings, the chief partner in the practice. Joanne could think of no reasonable excuse why she should not go and she thanked her hostess for the invitation and considered seriously what she might wear. The evening of the party was wet, and at the last moment she decided to wear a chiffon trouser suit she had bought in a moment of weakness just before her mother died. It had an all-over floral pattern in shades of blue and green that toned with the violet of her eyes. She dressed her hair formally, looping it high on her head leaving only two strands to fall in curls beside her ears. She was immensely pleased with the result and from the enthusiastic reception she received from Alaister Scott, a young medical student whom Mrs. Hastings had invited to partner Joanne, she gathered he approved too. Most of the guests were middle-aged to elderly, but they treated her with deference and friendly indulgence so that she felt quite relaxed and at her ease. When dinner was over the older guests played bridge while the younger ones went on to a nightclub.