Remember Me

by Roxanne Tully

  “Drop it, Liz.” His warning tone made her flinch. He took a breath and stepped away from her.

  She watched him for a short moment. “It’s not that simple, is it?” She raised an eyebrow.

  He turned back to her. An unreadable expression, “No.”

  “Okay. I’ll drop this,” she agreed, and stalked past him up the stairs.

  Chapter 29

  MATT

  Matt had a bad feeling about what Liz meant by dropping this. What was he doing wrong? All he wanted was to protect her. He only wished she trusted him. Most of the time, she did. Other times, she would gaze at him with doubting eyes. Either way, he needed to be more careful. He couldn’t have Liz remembering all the wrong things. Not yet.

  The doctors’ voicemail kept playing back in his head as they sat down to join the rest of the family at the table. Keeping her away from all things that could trigger memories of her being with Ben was all he wanted to do. Including Ben himself.

  “This all looks so good, Francis,” Liz commented.

  His mother raised both her eyebrows. “Let me know if you like it.” They all knew Francis had made Liz’s favorite dish without letting her know it. Eggplant rollatini wasn’t something his mother made often, but when she did, it was typically at Liz’s request. Matt looked at his mother thoughtfully. Apparently, she had decided to do a memory experiment of her own.

  “This is delicious,” Liz beamed. “Do you usually make vegetarian dishes?”

  “No, we’re all meat lovers here. But…once in a while…” Francis shrugged and dug into her own plate.

  Ben and Megan were quietly sitting across from Matt and Liz, barely looking around the table, much less each other. He spotted Liz lifting her glass as if she was about to toast.

  “Thank you so much for having me over,” he heard her say. “I was beginning to think I wasn’t welcome here, I mean after that fourth of July weekend.”

  The color drained out of Matt’s face as his eyes shot to his wife. She bothered with nothing more than a simple innocent glance at him, but held an overly enthusiastic grin as she waited for an answer. She didn’t seem to be addressing anyone particular at the table.

  Ben coughed.

  Megan set her fork down and put her hands on her lap.

  But the one person who didn’t seem surprised by Liz’s sudden interest in the last time they were there—was his mother.

  Matt tilted his head towards his wife. “Liz why would you want to talk about that weekend right now?”

  “What’s the matter? I’m simply stating the last time we were here and pointing out that no one had asked me to come visit since,” she paused. “Why is that?”

  Matt’s eyes shot to his mother, who caught his glare and lifted an eyebrow in question. His mother was never the type to feel guilty about anything, especially when she was the one telling the truth.

  He set down his glass and snuck a glance at his brother, who had his jaw clenched and staring at the rim of his own glass. Matt took a silent breath and let out a short laugh, “You’re always welcome here, Liz.” It was all he could think to say at that moment.

  “Mmm-hmm, well I know that now.” Liz smiled at her in-laws.

  “Liz.”

  “Apparently, they’ve been trying to get us to visit for weeks now,” she continued, beaming, yet her voice growing louder.

  “He probably just forgot,” his mother blurted. She didn’t seem so sure of herself now. Confrontation was never something his mother could handle.

  “I thought I was the one with the memory loss.”

  “I didn’t forget anything, Liz,” Matt announced angrily.

  “Can you two please do this someplace else?” Rob barked.

  “Fine.” Matt stood abruptly.

  “I meant another time, Matt, we’re having dinner,” his father softened.

  Matt ignored his father and held out a hand to his wife. “Lizzy?”

  She glanced at him. “You know I would, but I seem to get a lot more answers just from other people at this table,” she grinned widely at the others seated. Then turned to him, her eyes cold. “I get nothing from you.”

  He felt the flames traveling up his neck before they flashed through his eyes. He was surely turning an angry color and was about to raise his voice until he caught a warning look from both his parents.

  Breathing out slowly, he looked at his wife, thoughtfully. “Please.”

  Thankfully giving in to his pleading look, she rose from the table and followed as he led them into the first bedroom down the hall. Closing the door behind them, he spun her around to face him. “Look, I can see you’re angry, but that wasn’t necessary. there’s a— ”

  “What? A perfectly good reason for keeping me from your family, the only family I really have?” she insisted. “Telling them that I wasn’t ready? Why, why would you do that?”

  “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but Liz, I’m just—I’m following doctors’ orders, you need to trust me.”

  “What doctor’s orders?”

  “That your memories need to come back in a certain order.”

  “But he said they would naturally, Matt. You’re keeping things from me. No, you’re keeping something from me,” she insisted, pointing a finger at him. “Is it something that happened that weekend?”

  The look on her face suggested she wasn’t letting this go. She was growing tired, he could see it in her eyes every time he slipped and would reveal any type of resentment toward her. He couldn’t help it. It was all too fresh.

  He’d noticed a pattern, too. Every time he would try to remind her about their love and their history, he’d fall into the moment alongside her. And then remember that moments before her accident…he’d decided to let it all go.

  To forget it, forget her.

  Ironically, she’d been the one to forget it all.

  And it hurt. Even at no fault or control of her own, she’d forgotten all the amazing memories and years together. The only one he’d wished she’d permanently forget was when he left her to go to Ireland. When he told her he needed space. For years, he’d considered it to be the biggest mistake of his life. He never imagined how big a mistake it was, until a few weeks ago.

  “Honey, if there was something you absolutely needed to know, I would tell you.”

  She looked at him and frowned, as if that wasn’t a good enough answer. She ran her fingers through her hair and turned away from him, clearly frustrated. With her face in her hands, she quietly paced a small distance before lifting her head. Her exasperated expression slowly fading, she intently scanned the dimly lit room’s surroundings, with extreme interest.

  “I’ve been in this room before,” she muttered.

  Matt’s head shot up.

  “Recently,” she continued, almost in a whisper.

  Matt glanced around and wanted to slap himself. What was he thinking? His head screamed to get her out of there—as quickly as possible. But he was frozen in place.

  Liz took small steps, her eyes focusing on random objects in the spacious room, then the window and then finally settling on the chair.

  The chair.

  The damned chair where she sat and cried while he told her he couldn’t forgive her. Where her life was falling apart.

  Something between sadness, fear and scrutiny was in her dark eyes as she stared at that chair. Goosebumps shot up her arms and she hugged herself. Every ounce of him wanted to reach out, pull her into his arms and tear her away from one of her darkest moments.

  But he couldn’t.

  He should embrace his instinct to protect her. Protect her from any unforgiving memories scraping their way to the surface. Instead, he stood there, unable to fight the burning need for her to remember that night.

  To find out if she would fight for him.

  Snapping out of his thoughts, he paced to her side and lifted her chin. He stared deep into her confused eyes. They burned into his before pulling back as if to see him from a distance
.

  “I was here with you,” she recalled.

  “Of course you were, this is where we usually stay when— ”

  “No,” her voice louder and angrier. “No, no,” she blinked away. “I was upset. I was very, very upset.” Her voice grew louder in a panic.

  He instantly grabbed her shoulders, ready to shake her out of her cold memory. But he just held them, as she looked up at him with desperate eyes.

  “Why was I so upset?” she whispered.

  “Lizzy, why don’t you come back outside, we can—”

  She sprung loose from his hold. “Why was I so upset, were we fighting?” Her eyes flashed down and to her left. “No…no we weren’t fighting. We were—no you were calm.” She threw her hands in the air and shut her eyes. “God dammit, why can’t I hear anything you’re saying? Why?” She grabbed his arms and shook him, her eyes were pleading, but in a convicting way.

  His heart was being attacked by a massive shredder and everything seemed to move in slow motion. Everything around him a blur. She was breaking down in front of him and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He wanted more than anything to turn back time, so that he could have taken her into another room, or turn back to tell Megan there was no way in hell he’d bring Liz for a visit. Hell, he’d even turn it as far back as before her accident and have a do-over on that night if it meant she wouldn’t have to be living this terrifying moment.

  “I think this is normal, Liz. In—in fact, I’m sure it is.” He shut his eyes and rubbed the top of his lids, knowing he was going to regret taking the doctor’s advice. “What else are you feeling?”

  She turned away. “Nothing,” her shoulders slacked in defeat.

  “Look, why don’t I call the doctor and let him know you’re having—.”

  “Let him know the first memory I have of my husband is in this dark, creepy room and he’s saying things that are upsetting me?”

  “It wasn’t like that, Liz,” he whispered.

  She swallowed hard and tears started rolling down her cheeks. “No,” she said softly and shook her head. “My only memory of the one person I’ve doubted since the day I met him...doesn’t surprise me at all.”

  That hurt him more than if she had re-told the story of how she ended up with his brother. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that the woman before him needed help, not resentment. “Honey, it was a small, stupid fight, it happened just before your accident, you don’t even know what we were talking about.” And he hoped it stayed that way.

  At least for now.

  She turned her head slowly and walked back to the chair, gazing at it, as if waiting for it to reveal something else to her. “I may not know what you’re saying to me, but I know you’re hurting me,” she murmured.

  He came up behind her. He wouldn’t touch her yet, he just stood for a minute.

  “Please leave me alone.” Her eyes were closed, and her voice was exhausted.

  “I’m not leaving you alone here.”

  Hesitating for a moment, he turned her around. Then pulled her onto the edge of the bed. Kneeling before her, he took both her hands in his. She wasn’t letting this go, and if re-assurance is what she needed, then he was going to give it to her. He was going to save her his way.

  “Okay,” he whispered, with an exhausted breath. “The last time we were in this room, it wasn’t pleasant. We, uh, we had a bad night.”

  She looked back at him. “You said it was small and stupid.”

  “So you were listening.”

  She eyed him skeptically, “Who started it?”

  “Ha, probably you. Don’t remember, we didn’t have a chance to lay the blame afterwards.”

  “What was it about?”

  This was leading to more lies. Looking at her now, with her desperate expression, he knew there was nothing he could come up with to alleviate her doubts. Or justify the coldness she felt in this room.

  No. Lying wouldn’t help.

  He stood and knew his expression had turned a tad colder when she looked up at him. He took her hand and pulled her to stand on her feet. It was time he took back control of his marriage. “That’s not how this is going to work, Lizzy.” his tone more definite, insistent. “I’m not a stranger, I’m certainly not your enemy no matter what that fight was about. I’m your husband, your best friend. And you need to start trusting me.”

  She stared at him, her expression unreadable. But if he were to guess, she wanted to hear more of what he had to say.

  “I might have lied about some things, but only because I only want you to remember the best times. No matter what greater power is putting you through right now, I’m sure the intention isn’t to make you relive the harsh ones. All you need to know is I love you—truly and unconditionally.”

  It wasn’t until that moment, as he was proclaiming his unconditional love to her that he realized how much he truly missed Liz. He wished to God she could hear him right now.

  The real Liz.

  Liz arched an eyebrow, not tense, in the slightest. In fact, she watched him with the most amused yet grateful eyes. “That’s about as honest as I could ask. I guess you’re right. I guess I don’t need to know more. Not unless it matters, anyway,” she added.

  “To further my...honesty, I guess I was still a little mad about our fight for the few days you were back home from the hospital.”

  She seemed taken aback by that.

  “Which is crazy and selfish, I know. But I don’t care anymore.” He came closer to meaning it than he ever imagined possible.

  He surveyed the room once more, still holding her hand. “There’s nothing here for you.” He focused on her, urging her to do the same. “But there’s plenty for us at home,” he winked.

  Then she did the last thing he’d expected. She threw her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. The way Lizzy used to. He smiled to himself, knowing he’d made the right choice in healing her with his love. Not making her face her fears.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been difficult. And for over-reacting in front of your family.” She half covered her face.

  He shrugged. “It’s not like I just brought you to meet my parents for the first time,” he lifted her palm and kissed it. “You ready to go back out?”

  He recognized the hesitant expression now on his wife’s face, her lower lip being pulled on one side. There was something she needed to say. He smiled to himself at the fact that some things didn’t leave her.

  She released her lip and shook her head. “Only to say goodbye,” she replied, her eyes turning suggestive. “Take me home.”

  Chapter 30

  LIZ

  Matt made her request the simplest thing in the world. He took her hand and led her out to the now separated family members. Francis and Megan clearing the table, Rob reading in the den and Ben having a cigarette on the back porch. They said their goodbyes to the women and Matt’s father, but somehow Liz knew better than to suggest they do the same with Ben. Francis graciously accepted their early departure and relentlessly insisted they take leftovers, since “Lizzy barely touched her favorite dish.”

  A short hour later, they arrived at their home. The place suddenly feeling more like it to her. It may have been aggressive, back in the guest room of his parent’s beach house, but it was honest. And that’s all she had wanted. The man cared deeply for her, of that there was no doubt. Since waking up, cold, lost and disoriented as strangers surrounded her, he’d been the one person protecting her. The anger she’d often see in his eyes didn’t bother her as much as one would imagine. It was a strong feeling, and she preferred it over emptiness. Somehow, Liz never felt empty. She knew there were emotions within her—the real her—that were far away. She could feel she was an expressive person. Nothing like Megan. Since Megan was the only other younger woman Liz knew, she compared herself to her quite often.

  “Sure you’re not hungry?” Matt called from the kitchen.

  It was still early. The digital clock displayed just befo
re nine and it had been a long day.

  “I’m alright.”

  He emerged from the kitchen holding two glasses of red wine which seemed to have already eased her. She smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

  Matt motioned for her to sit with him on their sofa. She sat beside him and felt the most ease. She automatically placed her head on his shoulder. Though they’d been intimate before, she hadn’t completely trusted him until tonight. She’d caught him in a lie about their past and he didn’t even flinch. It was as though he didn’t regret whatever it took to protect her. Was it right to fall for him? Though the good doctor explained to her how memory recovery worked, she couldn’t help the sinking feeling that she’d lose him when her memory returned. She would disappear and the old Liz would reclaim her husband.

  It was silly to think of it that way, but it was nonetheless how she felt. Her inevitable disappearance was very real to her.

  Things will start coming back to her soon. She knew it. And she feared it.

  “What are you thinking about?” he murmured, his lips touching the top of her head.

  “How I wish I could stay here forever.” The strangely painful honesty.

  He pulled his head up and seemed to go somewhere for a moment. She looked up at him and found his eyes focused on the carpet. A memory? “Maybe I should ask what you’re thinking about.”

  He looked back at her, undeniable guilt on his face.

  “Liz, I know you think that I don’t understand what you went through those first few days after you woke up. And maybe I can’t fully, but I know it was unimaginably difficult. Frightening. If I didn’t say it enough, I’ll make up for it now, I am sorry. I feel like I failed you. As a husband. As your partner,” his voice faded. “You wouldn’t have even been in that—” he took a swig of his wine and placed it on the table, swallowing hard and then turned to face her. “I promise you will never feel alone again.” His words seemed to have a deeper meaning for him than her.

  She couldn’t control the need for him any longer. She’d held back long enough. Ever since that night they shared, his advances had been subtle and teasing. She wouldn’t hold back anymore. If she was going to lose him as she knew him right then, she needed to take advantage now.