Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “It’s not about me and I’m fine; now go with your husband and have a baby.”

  Using this as my opportunity to leave inconspicuously, I head off toward the bar. I need a strong drink after all that. Everyone else appears to have the same idea and when I’m about half way there I am suddenly jerked to a halt. “What the fuck?” I say, swinging around to face my opponent.

  “Let’s get out of here.” Dex says. I don’t fight him. I can see that whatever happened back there has really gotten to him; and at the end of the day, I do want to be friends with him. So I try to keep up as he walks outside past Sam and Morris.

  “Dex, where are you going?” Sam calls out, but he doesn’t answer. He just keeps walking, dragging me along.

  “You’re seriously going to leave after that? What was Amanda to you that you would fuck that whore when you should be around friends. Her memory only seems to mean something to me.” When she says that Dex stops walking, he turns and practically drags me back to where Sam is standing. I’m left wondering who Amanda is and why Sam seems to care so much. Morris seems to be carefully watching Dex’s every move.

  “Don’t you ever say that again, I loved Amanda with every single fibre of my being. She was your best friend, but she was my everything: my best friend, my soulmate, my wife. The air that filled my lungs every day and you know that, so just fucking drop it. Do you know every morning when I wake up, for a spilt second, I forget and I’m happy, I can’t wait to roll over and see her face, but then all the memories come flooding back and then it’s the worst part of my day, so what I do to forget the pain is my business.”

  “I’m sorry, when I saw you with her, it all became real and I’m forced to accept she is really gone forever.” Sam sniffles through her tears.

  “Sam, you seriously owe us all a huge apology. Firstly, for calling Ruby a whore; which she is not, she has been a friend to me. Second to Amanda, for suggesting I would forget her. And finally me, for thinking so badly of me. Look, Amanda has been gone for a long time now, and she would not have wanted me to live my life in mourning forever. So I suggest you get over your fucking self and leave well enough alone.

  Obviously Dex hasn’t accepted her apology and I’m left dazed and confused with all of this information. His wife has died and I think a small piece of my heart actually broke for him. This explains why he doesn’t want more in a relationship; instead of listening to him, I have just jumped to conclusions. I don’t say anything as we find his bike and I’m careful once again getting on, once I am settled, we start riding. I’m still processing everything that just happened, him having a wife and now being a widow, in his twenties; I thought my life sucked.

  He takes me to Big Moe’s House of Ink. “What are we doing here?” I ask, getting of his bike.

  “Starting your tattoo,” he shrugs.

  “Why now?”

  “Because, it’s the only way I can get out of my head.”

  “Okay,” is all I say as he unlocks the main doors and punches in the security code.

  Amanda is all I ever think about, but today it has been so much worse with Tiny Dancer being stubborn, and then Sam’s bullshit. I just cannot deal and I need to get out of my own fucking head, and for that I have to tattoo or play music. So that’s why I’m here, putting the stencil on Ruby’s back, I love her idea and what it stands for. I’m not sure what she has been through in her life, but it must have been truly fucked up. I can tell by the way and what she drew, that sadness in the woman’s eyes, the three layers the skull the face and the mask. It shows that underneath the surface, we are all the same, but as you put on the layers, we are all hiding something. “Ready?” I say, about to show her the stencil I have redrawn to put on her back.

  “I trust you.” She says. I know trust is something Ruby doesn’t give out easily.

  “Okay, get comfy, we will be here awhile.” She just gives me a weird look. “What?” I ask, “Is something wrong, have you changed your mind?”

  “No, I haven’t changed my mind; but I don’t exactly have anything on under the dress, remember?”

  “How could I forget that?” I say, putting a towel down for her on the table so it’s not so cold on her body; and again she looks at me like I’m crazy.

  “Whatever,” she mutters, then just drops the dress to the ground and stands naked in front of me. Now I’m beginning to understand, it’s hard to think of anything but her being naked and just standing here in front of me; she is absolutely stunning and I don’t think she has any idea. She smiles at me before she sets herself up on the table. I adjust my aching hard on and clean off her back. There is something sensual about tattooing a woman, which is why I will rarely agree to tattoo women. But the day I saw her design, I knew I was meant to do this one.

  “Let me know if you need a break, otherwise I will go until we finish, or you tell me to stop.”

  “Okay,” is all she says.

  She has so many tattoos but her back has been left bare. Maybe this was always the plan, to put this on her back. Just as I’m about to finish the outline I get the urge to explain about today. She deserves to know, especially since I can’t get her out of my head, and maybe she will understand why I can’t do serious relationships.

  “I’m sorry about today, it’s just hard….. Amanda was,” I break off.

  “You don’t need to explain Dex, I get it.”

  “I want to.” I say.

  “Only if you want to,” she says, I’m not use to this side of Ruby. Usually she demands to know what’s going on.

  “Amanda was my high school girlfriend and she was perfect, I couldn’t believe she wanted me; the dorky kid, but she did, and we were together for six years before she got pregnant. We had decided to get married before the baby was born – she was due to give birth in two weeks and my life seemed so perfect, maybe that was the problem; why everything turned out the way it did. How did I deserve her beautiful soul? Everything happened so fast that day and in the end, I couldn’t stop it.”

  “How did she die?” she asks me, I can hear the concern in her voice.

  “It was my fault - I fucking killed her. We were driving to our motel and a car slammed into us. I should have seen the car sooner, but I couldn’t regain control of the car. She was alive when we got to the hospital and they took her straight into surgery. The doctors who examined her told me that I had to choose her life or that of my daughters. Jesus fucking Christ, how do you make the choice between your wife and your child? It was a real life nightmare, and I just wanted to wake up and believe it was some sick fucking joke everyone was playing. The injuries she had sustained were monumental and there were no guarantees she would survive anyway after the head injury she had sustained. I knew I had to let her go, but I killed her - I made that fucking choice… Me.” I had finished the outline of her tattoo a few minutes ago and she sits up and turns around to face me, I see her genuine empathy. Most people when they find out, feel sorry for me. I don’t want people’s sympathy, or for them to feel sorry for me and my daughter, who will grow up without a mother. “Do I tell her how her mum died and place that burden on her tiny shoulders? That her father chose to kill her mother?”

  “STOP IT! There was obviously no choice, you said it before - how do you make the choice between your wife and your child. But you didn’t have to choose between them, you saved them both. You saved your wife from knowing the loss of a child.”

  “But she won’t have a mother.

  “She has a father, one who beyond his asshole exterior, obviously has a big heart. One who can love her enough for the both of you. One thing I have learned from not having parents is you don’t need them at all. All you do need is one person who you know will always be there, to love you no matter how much you screw up. Just love her, that’s all she needs… That one person, is YOU.” Still reeling, I don’t say anything else, but her words instantly make sense. How does she do that? This woman she has come into my hellish existence, then makes everything seem so lo
gical. It’s like she has been sent here for that sole purpose; it hurts because as much as I want to let her in to help heal the pain, I’m just not ready. I don’t say anything as no more words are needed. But tonight, I need all the memories gone; the pain, I need to numb it all; I know she can see it in my eyes when I look at her.

  She slides off the table and straddles my lap, “Fuck me.” she says. Undoing my belt, I don’t want to think any more; so I have to do this, I need to forget about being torn between Amanda and Ruby, my brain is fried. She kisses me so intensely, it’s like she has read my mind, I break away from her kiss and take one of her nipples in my mouth, her back arches and I hear her moan with each time I suck and nip at it. I start to rub her clit, I want her as wet as possible so I don’t hurt her. As I roll my finger on her clit, she starts to grind her hips into me, wanting more. I slide a finger down and feel she is wet and ready for me. I pull a condom out of my pocket, she wastes no time and snatches it from me and opens it with her teeth and slides it on my cock and runs a finger down to my balls, which makes my them jump and tighten with anticipation. I can’t explain how fucking hot it is when a chick does that. Ruby takes the base of my cock and teases it, rubbing it up and down her pussy, she positions herself on top of me and slides down slowly, until I fill her entirely., I pull her body close to mine and she rocks into me and I ram myself inside her, burying all the pain and guilt, because I know it will all go away once I can feel my cock inside of her. She leans in and whispers, “Fuck me.”

  “Bend over the table and spread those legs for me” I say. She wants to be fucked, then fuck her I will. She does what I say and for a moment I stand back and admire her perfect ass bent over the table, with her body lying flat and the slightest view of the back of her pussy just makes my cock throb with need to be back inside her. My heart skips a beat knowing another woman can make me feel this way. Fuck. I need to stop thinking, so I enter her hard and fast with no warning. Grabbing her hips to help pull her in as close to me as possible. The harder I fuck her, the louder her moans become, and I can feel her wetness sliding down my cock.

  “Harder, I’m about to come,” she says through heavy breathing. I lean in, being careful of her tattoo, and get my body as tight up against her as I can. With short and hard thrusts, she screams out in pleasure, one hand on her hip and the other playing with her clit, I feel her tighten around me as she cries out from her orgasm, I push myself in as deep as I can and let myself cum. I slowly pull out of her and go clean myself up. It might have been a shitty move, but that wasn’t just any old fuck, that had feelings involved I’m just not ready to deal with yet. I can’t let my feelings get involved, and I have promised her as much.

  I know I can’t feel anything for her. It wouldn’t be fair to her when today just confirmed my heart still belongs to Amanda; it always has and it always will. Amanda’s and my life together was something out of a fairy tale, but I have learned the hard way, fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending. When I walk back over to where Ruby is, she is sitting on the table with her back facing me. “What’s her name” she asks me.

  “Who?” I ask, confused.

  “Your daughter,” she says still not looking at me. I hadn’t considered having a child would be a complete deal breaker for a fuck friend.

  “Harlow, and she is three.”

  “Awesome name.”

  “It was Amanda’s favourite.” She still hasn’t turned around, so I know something is going on with her. “Are you okay?” I ask.

  “Fuck, I don’t know if I can do this, this all changes things. Jash is on his way to pick me up.”

  Damn it, why the fuck do I care so much? Fuck friends was all either of us were capable of, and me having a kid has made her change her mind. I should be happy, at least this is uncomplicated - but I’m not; I’m annoyed, so I grab my keys and say, “Make sure you wash your back and book in and I will finish the piece for you,” then walk out. Seriously I don’t blame her, I have enough emotional baggage for a lifetime. Something Ruby said to me earlier starts playing in my head, I have spent all these years grieving Amanda, I have neglected to build a relationship with my daughter, and I need to fix that. Harlow has lived with Winnie and Robbie since she was allowed to come home from hospital. Amanda had made me sit down one day and decide who would look after our future children if something where to happen to us, she said having a will was the grown up thing to do, Winnie and Robbie were our top choices, they have been together since high school. They have also both been my rock and have done more than they have ever had to. I speed over to their house, I know it’s late but I have the overwhelming urge to hug her, and tell my little humming bird how much I love her. Once I’m at Winnies, I quietly sneak in and try to avoid waking them up, I don’t get far before Robbie turns on the lights and busts me sneaking around.

  “What are you doing here?” she asks.

  “I had to hug her.” I try to explain.

  “What’s going on Dex, it’s not like you to show up late. Come sit, let’s have a chat first.”

  “I’m ready to take her back.” I say.

  “How about baby steps, Winnie will want you to be sure.”

  “I am sure.”

  “What changed your mind?” She says, sitting beside me.

  “I met someone.” I say, about to tell her about what Ruby said.

  “If this is all for some woman, then you can get your tattooed ass back out on that bike and go right back to your place.” She reprimands me.

  “Hear me out before you try rip me a new asshole. You sure can tell you’ve been with Winnie half your life. I met someone and it’s nothing serious, I don’t actually know what it is, but she made me realise something; I need to be here and I need to love her, she is my daughter. Amanda is gone and nothing will change that, but I can change, I can step up.”

  “You have been an amazing father Dex, even if you don’t think you have, but if this is truly what you want, we will support you, and you know that.”

  “You and Winnie have been so amazing to me, I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

  “We are family and family stick together. Now tell me about this girl.”

  “She is stubborn and crazy and likes to push my buttons, and I can’t stop thinking about her.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “The problem is, she has weaselled her way into my fucking heart, and every inch of her I let in, makes it feel like I’m letting out a small part of Amanda; and I don’t want to lose her, even if that means I will never be happy again, I refuse to let her go.”

  “Why don’t you talk to her, it might help.” She says.

  “I doubt she would want to talk to me tonight.”

  “I meant Amanda, go visit her grave. I know it helps Winnie.”

  “I can’t go and talk to a grave.”

  “We are going in the morning, Winnie likes to take Harlow and we can talk more tomorrow.”

  “Thanks.” I say.

  She walks off and goes back to bed. I sneak into Harlow’s room and crawl into bed beside her and pull her into my arms, I wish things were different, I wish I was a better father to her. I tuck her hair behind her ear and she stirs, I kiss her head and she rolls over and wraps he little arms around me. It’s moments like this my heart melts, and nothing in the world matters anymore.

  “I love you, my little humming bird.” I whisper into her hair.

  I wake up to my eyelids being pried open by little fingers and the sound of her giggling to herself. “Daddy, wake up.”

  “No, daddy is still sleeping.” I say with my eyes still closed.

  “Silly daddy, the sun is up, look.” She says, trying to open my eyes again – reluctantly, I open my eyes and look at her and she is the image of her mother, she is Amanda all over.

  “Aunty Win said to get your big butt out of bed and have some coffee.”

  “Did she now?”

  “Yep we get to go see mummy today.” I know Harlow k
nows her mummy is with the angels, and on occasion my sister takes her to visit her grave and take her flowers. Amanda’s brother Romeo, gives me a hard time about not going back and has even offered to come with me, but I was never ready to go, and now I know I need to do this. I haven’t been to Amanda’s grave since her funeral. I haven’t be able to see it again, the place I watched as they lowered her body into the ground.

  “Okay, let’s go and have some coffee then.” I say taking the hand she is holding out for me.

  “It’s nice to see you, are in the land of the living now, Theodore?” Winnie says.

  Why she cannot just call me Dex is beyond me, and there is no point arguing with her about it, she thinks Dex is stupid, so I just call her Winifred instead.

  “I love you to Winifred.” I say.

  “Don’t start you two,” says Robbie.

  “Okay, you can get a coffee later, we have to go.” Winnie says.

  They take their car and I follow behind on my bike Harlow loves my bike, I know how much Amanda would have hated it, she always said that they were dangerous, so what did I do as soon as she died - I bought one, as a screw you to the world.

  “Come on daddy, I will show you the way.” Harlow says, practically dragging me.

  Once we get closer to her grave, I start to second guess if I am ready to be here. My palms start to get sweaty, I tell Harlow to go ahead and I will be there in a second. She happily skips off and I take a few deep breaths and slowly keep walking, I need to do this, I have to try and move on with my life. I will never ever let go of her memories, but I need to be a better father. I feel sick every day with thoughts that Amanda would be so ashamed of me. Harlow is sitting in front of Amanda’s grave talking, she could talk under water that kid, I walk up behind her and just listen to what she is talking about.

  “I told you I would bring daddy to visit you. Aunty Win says he lubs you and misses you every day lotsa and lotsa. Daddy is here, and I do miss you mummy every day.”

  She turns to me and says, “I have to sing to mummy now.”